Monogamy = Death … do you still want it?

Part 1 re Monogamy.

If you are not ready for your most cherished beliefs to be challenged, please don’t bother reading this article. I’m not interested in hearing how offended you are, because that’s just your ego.

If you are one of these people who spend your time on websites, torturing yourself in the endless and ultimately futile search for the “special” relationship with the “special” partner who is going to make all your problems go away, you are probably not ready to read this article. Likewise, if you are one of these people who spend your time on websites, torturing yourself in the endless and ultimately futile attempt to make yourself happy by having lots of emotionally disconnected sex, you probably are also not ready to read this article. Those two searches are the same thing, despite their superficial differences … the attempt to find happiness outside of yourself in the symbols of separation. Which, try as you might, is never going to work, because all you are doing is belittling your True Self.

Haven’t you noticed that all these months and even years later, you’re still on that same website, with the same problems you had before, seemingly going nowhere? The same anger, the same frustration, the same bitterness … the same judgments … going round and round in circles. Aren’t you ready to try something that will actually work?

Then you must be willing to let go of the symbols of separation. Because as long as you are seeking after impossible and petty ego goals, you are never going to find what you really want, which can be boiled down to this: HAPPINESS, EMPOWERMENT, AND PEACE.

Some people just starting out with Emotional Freedom Technique or tapping report that they feel frustrated with the haphazard results they get. Why is it not working consistently?

You are not going deep enough. Tapping starts working consistently when you know how to use it in the context of the BIG PICTURE. Your ego self is never going to see the big picture. The ego fragments off little bits and pieces, hoping to find happiness in separation. And that is never going to work. Just like sitting there on websites getting angry over and over again about what this guy did or that guy said is NEVER GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. Because you are missing the boat completely.

If you want Happiness, you must get yourself ALIGNED with the WHOLE PICTURE. If you are only seeking happiness for your little tiny isolated self … good luck. If you think you’re going to find happiness in a white picket fence prison where you have “separated off” your “perfect” partnership and ignored the rest of the world and how you fit into it … good luck. If you think you’re going to find happiness in a bunch of unconscious sex with partners you despise deep down … good luck. The Universe is set up in such a way that if you do not honor and love every single person on this planet and understand how your life fits in to the salvation of the entire world, and if you are not sharing yourself fully with that world, you are going to suffer. Guaranteed.

You are also going to grow sick, old, and die, because you have separated yourself from the Source of Everlasting Life.

Let’s get very clear here about what the “ego” is. It is the idea of separation, and it expresses itself through the symbols of separation. Every symbol of separation is the same, because it means you have separated yourself from God. And you cannot separate yourself from your fellow humans without separating yourself from God because every person on this planet is an extension of your Higher Self and God.

And this is how you can see that Monogamy and Death are both the same thing: symbols of the ego and the separation from Oneness.

Oh, the ego is very clever, because it wants to convince you that it is “saving” you from exactly the fate it is actually imposing on you. The ego would like you to believe that monogamy offers some sort of “protection” from death. Many people choose monogamy because they are terrified of sexually transmitted diseases. Or they choose it as a “protection” from sickness, old age, and dying alone.

Can this seriously be viewed as a “protection”? Who would ever choose this protection if they knew what they were giving up … connection to all that is and the Source of Everlasting Life? Do you not realize that by allowing yourself to continue to fear something you are giving reality to the thing you fear?

So let’s look deeper at what monogamy is … a promise of sexual exclusivity to one person … often indefinitely. Sexual energy is one of the most powerful forces we have in this world … and you are going to limit that energy to ONE PERSON for the REST OF YOUR LIFE while there is an entire world out there that you have symbolically disconnected from by making this ridiculous promise? Puh-leeeeeeze.

A Course in Miracles makes no bones about this, although it appears that even many ACIM devotees want to “rationalize” why the text “doesn’t mean what it says.” I assure you, the text means what it says, and this is what it says:

In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone. All these must be understood for what they are. Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty. I have spoken of this before, but there are some aspects of what is really being attempted that have not been touched upon.

Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God. For the ego would have you see Him, and Him alone, as guilty, leaving the Sonship open to attack and unprotected from it. The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it and why, you will realize what it must be.

The special love relationship is the ego’s most boasted gift, and one which has the most appeal to those unwilling to relinquish guilt. The “dynamics” of the ego are clearest here, for counting on the attraction of this offering, the fantasies that center around it are often quite overt. Here they are usually judged to be acceptable and even natural. No one considers it bizarre to love and hate together, and even those who believe that hate is sin merely feel guilty, but do not correct it. This is the “natural” condition of the separation, and those who learn that it is not natural at all seem to be the unnatural ones. For this world is the opposite of Heaven, being made to be its opposite, and everything here takes a direction exactly opposite of what is true. In Heaven, where the meaning of love is known, love is the same as union. Here, where the illusion of love is accepted in love’s place, love is perceived as separation and exclusion.

It is in the special relationship, born of the hidden wish for special love from God, that the ego’s hatred triumphs. For the special relationship is the renunciation of the Love of God, and the attempt to secure for the self the specialness that He denied. It is essential to the preservation of the ego that you believe this specialness is not hell, but Heaven. For the ego would never have you see that separation could only be loss, being the one condition in which Heaven could not be.

To everyone Heaven is completion. There can be no disagreement on this, because both the ego and the Holy Spirit accept it. They are, however, in complete disagreement on what completion is, and how it is accomplished. The Holy Spirit knows that completion lies first in union, and then in the extension of union. To the ego completion lies in triumph, and in the extension of the “victory” even to the final triumph over God. In this it sees the ultimate freedom of the self, for nothing would remain to interfere with the ego. This is its idea of Heaven. And therefore union, which is a condition in which the ego cannot interfere, must be hell.

The special relationship is a strange and unnatural ego device for joining hell and Heaven, and making them indistinguishable. And the attempt to find the imagined “best” of both worlds has merely led to fantasies of both, and to the inability to perceive either as it is. The special relationship is the triumph of this confusion. It is a kind of union from which union is excluded, and the basis for the attempt at union rests on exclusion. What better example could there be of the ego’s maxim, “Seek but do not find?”

Most curious of all is the concept of the self which the ego fosters in the special relationship. This “self” seeks the relationship to make itself complete. Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away, and tries to “trade” itself for the self of another. This is not union, for there is no increase and no extension. Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. And he feels guilty for the “sin” of taking, and of giving nothing of value in return. How much value can he place upon a self that he would give away to get a “better” one?

The “better” self the ego seeks is always one that is more special. And whoever seems to possess a special self is “loved” for what can be taken from him. Where both partners see this special self in each other, the ego sees “a union made in Heaven.” For neither one will recognize that he has asked for hell, and so he will not interfere with the ego’s illusion of Heaven, which it offered him to interfere with Heaven. Yet if all illusions are of fear, and they can be of nothing else, the illusion of Heaven is nothing more than an “attractive” form of fear, in which the guilt is buried deep and rises in the form of “love.”

The appeal of hell lies only in the terrible attraction of guilt, which the ego holds out to those who place their faith in littleness. The conviction of littleness lies in every special relationship, for only the deprived could value specialness. The demand for specialness, and the perception of the giving of specialness as an act of love, would make love hateful. The real purpose of the special relationship, in strict accordance with the ego’s goals, is to destroy reality and substitute illusion. For the ego is itself an illusion, and only illusions can be the witnesses to its “reality.”

If you perceived the special relationship as a triumph over God, would you want it? Let us not think of its fearful nature, nor of the guilt it must entail, nor of the sadness and the loneliness. For these are only attributes of the whole religion of separation, and of the total context in which it is thought to occur. The central theme in its litany to sacrifice is that God must die so you can live. And it is this theme that is acted out in the special relationship. Through the death of your self you think you can attack another self, and snatch it from the other to replace the self that you despise. And you despise it because you do not think it offers the specialness that you demand. And hating it you have made it little and unworthy, because you are afraid of it.

How can you grant unlimited power to what you think you have attacked? So fearful has the truth become to you that unless it is weak and little, you would not dare to look upon it. You think it safer to endow the little self you made with power you wrested from truth, triumphing over it and leaving it helpless. See how exactly is this ritual enacted in the special relationship. An altar is erected in between two separate people, on which each seeks to kill his self, and on his body raise another self to take its power from his death. Over and over and over this ritual is enacted. And it is never completed, nor ever will be completed. The ritual of completion cannot complete, for life arises not from death, nor Heaven from hell.

Whenever any form of special relationship tempts you to seek for love in ritual, remember love is content, and not form of any kind. The special relationship is a ritual of form, aimed at raising the form to take the place of God at the expense of content. There is no meaning in the form, and there will never be. The special relationship must be recognized for what it is; a senseless ritual in which strength is extracted from the death of God, and invested in His killer as the sign that form has triumphed over content, and love has lost its meaning. Would you want this to be possible, even apart from its evident impossibility? If it were possible, you would have made yourself helpless. God is not angry. He merely could not let this happen. You cannot change His Mind. No rituals that you have set up in which the dance of death delights you can bring death to the eternal. Nor can your chosen substitute for the Wholeness of God have any influence at all upon it.

See in the special relationship nothing more than a meaningless attempt to raise other gods before Him, and by worshipping them to obscure their tininess and His greatness. In the name of your completion you do not want this. For every idol that you raise to place before Him stands before you, in place of what you are.

And if you think I’m overstating it to say that monogamy = death, I invite you to read this passage from the Course a few times, and really let it sink in:

The ego is alert to threat, and the part of your mind into which the ego was accepted is very anxious to preserve its reason, as it sees it. It does not realize that it is totally insane. And you must realize just what this means if you would be restored to sanity. The insane protect their thought systems, but they do so insanely. And all their defenses are as insane as what they are supposed to protect. The separation has nothing in it, no part, no “reason,” and no attribute that is not insane. And its “protection” is part of it, as insane as the whole. The special relationship, which is its chief defense, must therefore be insane.

You have but little difficulty now in realizing that the thought system the special relationship protects is but a system of delusions. You recognize, at least in general terms, that the ego is insane. Yet the special relationship still seems to you somehow to be “different.” Yet we have looked at it far closer than we have at many other aspects of the ego’s thought system that you have been willing to let go. While this one remains, you will not let the others go. For this one is not different. Retain this one, and you have retained the whole.

It is essential to realize that all defenses do what they would defend. The underlying basis for their effectiveness is that they offer what they defend. What they defend is placed in them for safe-keeping, and as they operate they bring it to you. Every defense operates by giving gifts, and the gift is always a miniature of the thought system the defense protects, set in a golden frame. The frame is very elaborate, all set with jewels, and deeply carved and polished. Its purpose is to be of value in itself, and to divert your attention from what it encloses. But the frame without the picture you cannot have. Defenses operate to make you think you can.

The special relationship has the most imposing and deceptive frame of all the defenses the ego uses. Its thought system is offered here, surrounded by a frame so heavy and so elaborate that the picture is almost obliterated by its imposing structure. Into the frame are woven all sorts of fanciful and fragmented illusions of love, set with dreams of sacrifice and self-aggrandizement, and interlaced with gilded threads of self-destruction. The glitter of blood shines like rubies, and the tears are faceted like diamonds and gleam in the dim light in which the offering is made.

Look at the picture. Do not let the frame distract you. This gift is given you for your damnation, and if you take it you will believe that you are damned. You cannot have the frame without the picture. What you value is the frame, for there you see no conflict. Yet the frame is only the wrapping for the gift of conflict. The frame is not the gift. Be not deceived by the most superficial aspects of this thought system, for these aspects enclose the whole, complete in every aspect. Death lies in this glittering gift. Let not your gaze dwell on the hypnotic gleaming of the frame. Look at the picture, and realize that death is offered you.

If you want happiness and immortality, you must relinquish the “special” relationship. And you cannot promise sexual exclusivity to another person without making that person “special.” You have blocked the flow of Universal Love and Healing Energy by doing that, and it will lead to suffering.

Is this what you want?

Is death what you want?

Is death what you want?

Is death what you want?

If death is not what you want, you must let it go in every form it takes. Choose “special” love, and you have chosen death and unhappiness. Open yourself to sharing love and communion with everyone, and the door has been opened to Reunion with the Source of All Power, Life, Love, and Happiness.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. You wrote….”I still believe that if you realized you would lose nothing in the world I am describing, it would make absolutely no sense to hold on to the beliefs that you have. And that you’re holding on to them is based on the belief that you would lose something. … ”

    I guess I am not being clear enough when I am saying, I choose to believe what I believe NOT because of ignorance, or fear, or thinking I am going to lose anything. In fact just the opposite. I have nothing to lose because all I have is my inspiration (breath) I choose these beliefs because I understand what a world without all the texture and richness in it looks like and I am not interested.
    What you call pain , suffering, again and death I call a rich playground for my humanity. My greatest growth has come from asking why me in the midst of a crisis. On the flip side I have grown from immense pleasure. I choose both. Sometimes in the biggest pleasure I have found the darkest pain.
    The most beautiful things in nature have some of the ugliest starts. Death is rebirth.
    I do not fear suffering, or aging, or heart break and in fact my practice embraces all it is to be human and all it is to live in the universe as it is. I am not apathetic to the humanities plight anymore than mine. I just do not believe in the eradication the very things which can create the ability to expand our containers. I do not believe we should put out the fire I believe we should eat the fire and dance with it.
    I used to believe as you did and then I found a different truth. I used to want the world to get that they needed … to be happy.. get rid of their beliefs or what have you.
    I now have an understanding that getting rid of things is actually another form of attempting to control things our ego believes are not right. I instead realize and teach that if we need protection or eradication we are not standing in our full empowerment. I do not need to get rid of evil to feel safe. I do not need to eradicate death to not die. I do not need to get rid of suffering to not suffer. AND I am capable of desiring to feel EVERYTHING I am able to feel in this human condition.
    If others are suffering I feel for them and as I feel for myself. MY heart aches when my daughter has pain, AND I teach her to not fear it. I teach her to understand it’s value. I teach her about being a human.
    I take action when someone is hurting someone else, I take action to change myself to change the planet, but I appreciate the organic nature and process of it. I am not for universal peace.
    I believe that if we took away one aspect of feeling we would take away others. AND I know you believe you can have it how you want it… AND I want to FEEL it all.
    As far as the man who killed himself, he didn’t do it because he was caught cheating.. he did it because he couldn’t stand the pain he caused and the guilt he felt when he didn’t keep his word and hurt someone else, as he should feel.. and that sums up my point. If he learned to really FEEL and expand into his feelings.. Had he been taught what to do when his feelings were that big, he would have been able to feel the pain he caused and he would have moved forward into it and created something different. Instead he sought to eradicate pain and suffering and he caused even more.
    Most addiction is caused because we do not know how to cope with our feelings. Most good relationships break when one person causes the other pain ( as will happen) and the person who caused it CANT handle the feelings and neither can the other. Pretty simple really.
    I would rather teach people to feel it all and expand their containers to feel it all ( all includes pleasure) than to only feel a few emotions that were “good”.
    I understand being a catalyst and standing up for what I believe even in the face of challenge. I do not need divine guidance for that. I have myself and my connection to everything here that is visceral and for now real AND I completely and fully believe we can make changes in an instance and I have done so.
    It isn’t the belief I lack, or the power, of the knowledge or the understanding, or the vision. I completely understand what you are saying and projecting, been there done that and moved to a different place. I admire your conviction, your beliefs, your desire for the world, your action, and all you bring and perhaps one day you will see the value of what I bring as well. I will never stop learning and exploring the depth of humanity and the universe, and I love that once I believe I know it all, or have it all worked out, the universe shows me something else. That’s why I have no outline when I teach and all my coaching is free form, cause I am plugged into what is out there right now.. you, me, everyone and everything. Not what want my ego thinks is the best.
    I noticed you never answered any of my questions.

    • Yeah, I appreciate your willingness to talk about it, and I don’t think this is the place to do it. We are talking in circles. It is not my ego that will heal this entire planet, and it will be entirely healed, until not a tear drop or wound is left, and then it will disappear into light. You have my word on that. And sexual exclusivity will go. You have my word on that too. In the meantime, we can enjoy the journey. But we aren’t going to get anywhere with this conversation here. Perhaps at some point an opportunity will arise for you to experience my work personally (and I yours), and then we can have a very different conversation.

  2. I believe these things because I choose to believe them, not because I don’t understand that everything is within my power to change or my power to believe otherwise.
    What I am attempting to tell you is I CHOOSE these amazing processes of life as it is. Not only do I choose them, I embrace them as fully as I am capable, and my practice is to expand my capability… to expand into experiences even more fully. I am not interested in having my ego tell me the universe got it all wrong. I am guided by the universe and the experience of being human, the very mundane aspects as well as the ecstatic ones.
    I had not realized that you were in belief of being divinely guided. In that case very little anyone has to say is going to have any impact at all and essentially you are closed to being connected to anything but your guided divinity. Nothing wrong with that it is just going to be tough to have an exchange with you if you are not willing to look beyond that. As always I find interacting with you of value because I enjoy as much as you do the process of exchange.
    BTW I do not believe death is the end, so the fact it happens is not a problem… aging is awesome (well not the hairy face part), and my vision of a happy world is about people being authentic and experiencing all the depth life has to offer, the beauty, the ugly and the mundane. I would hate to be in a state of happy happy love love all the time. I am tantric I revel in the messy physical aspects a lot of spiritual people are trying to escape from.

    • Thank you for acknowledging that they are choices. Are you hearing what I am saying as either/or?

      It’s not. My near-death experience was excruciatingly painful and it was part of the perfection. My chronic shoulder and back pain was excruciatingly painful and it was part of the perfection. Because those things helped to wake me up so I could get out of pain and then become a healer who could release others from pain.

      And yes, my work is divinely guided. It being so is what gives me the strength to express views that I know will piss people off, because them going around pretending everything is “fine” while it’s clear to everyone else that it’s not is not helping anyone. I attended a seminar recently where one person after another after another expressed the pain in their families about “affairs” … including several suicides resulting from said affairs … yet not one single person was questioning the idea of sexual exclusivity. I am here to make sure these unconscious patterns do not continue.

      I still believe that if you realized you would lose nothing in the world I am describing, it would make absolutely no sense to hold on to the beliefs that you have. And that you’re holding on to them is based on the belief that you would lose something. Honestly I don’t know that we can get deep enough into that discussion here to feel satisfying to either one of us. It’s something I’m still grappling with, how to bring the magic of what happens in my sessions to the written word.

      • You agree with these statements?

        – I realize everything is my choice and I can choose differently, yet I choose a world where suffering, aging, and death continue?
        – if someone else is suffering, it’s okay with me if they continue to suffer
        – what I have is so important to me that I am not willing to consider the possibility of a world where I could still keep what is important to me yet not have any more suffering, aging or death

    • Nobody got up at that seminar to say “My father committed suicide because he was caught having breakfast (or sharing his jacket) with a woman who was not his wife.”

  3. Well because once you change that, you change a whole bunch of other things directly and indirectly… and while nothing’s wrong with that.. how is it that you feel you have the divine knowledge and understanding of ALL things to make the decision that change is for better not worse.

    For instance, when I cured one incurable illness that changed the course of my life. Was that the right decision?
    IS my life so worthwhile that the course I changed now changed things around me and now it is better simply because I am alive?

    NOW you know that just because you do not belief it does not make it real, it takes more than just changing a belief or you wouldn’t even be in business.

    It takes a cellular understanding to transform the belief in your mind, then in your subconscious, then in your cells, then is your energy body.

    Otherwise YOU could believe that everyone was healed and the planet was perfect .. AND it would be. Problem is it would be your idea of perfect and that is not mine.

    I believe we can transform DNA, the planet with a collective breath, transform death into life.. BUT should we?

    Here is my thought.. is there anything even really wrong?

    What if it is all how it should be and we are divined to our process and our feelings and pain and testosterone?

    What if part of life is suffering and madness and inequality?

    Why are we all so afraid of that? Isn’t it fear based to want to not have any of the so called ugly stuff?

    I believe just as the tantricks that we are a reflection of the universe, the macro and microcosms connected, and that ALL our fallibility ARE really divine and with purpose.

    Our job is to become aware of everything and how we connect with it. My path, inhale what is and exhale what will be… and in that moment of exhalation everything is AMAZING .. just the way it is

    • Oh yes indeed, one of the things inexperienced tappers don’t understand is that you cannot effectively change a belief in isolation. Tapping the way I do it is divinely guided, and beliefs will only change if they serve the highest good of all.

      And yes I can say flat out that I am unwilling to accept suffering. It does not serve the highest good of all, so I choose to abolish it from the face of the planet. Nor do I believe that my idea of a happy planet is different than yours. We just haven’t had enough of a conversation to agree … we haven’t explored the beliefs deeply enough. I guarantee you if we went that deep, we would agree. Absolutely, positively guaranteed. Because we are not separate. We think with One Mind, except for the ego overlay that creates an illusion otherwise.

      I respect many healing modalities, but tantra hadn’t solved the problem of aging and death, nor has any other current modality, so I know we don’t have “the answer” yet, and I’m not content with the limitations of the answers that have been given. Not when I’m receiving direct divine guidance saying nobody ever has to suffer again, and the world is just going to keep getting more and more wonderful.

      Now … with the belief I mentioned, that “testosterone kills oxytocin,” we would need to go deep into that to understand all the belief structures that belief is interwoven with. That to me is an adventure. And it would result in a miracle.

      And then we would keep going, because I would want to know …

      – Why do you want to keep the belief that you “are 50” ?
      – Why do you want to keep the belief that aging or death or suffering is necessary or inevitable?
      – Why do you want to keep the belief that my vision of happy world is different than yours?

      And so on …

      I choose to transcend the world of survival and live in the world of possibility …

  4. I appreciate the conversation… and no I have not experienced your brand of healing. I am a tapper however and NLP practitioner, in fact have 30 credentials and several things I have founded (just like you)AND all of that doesn’t even come close to the realization that EVERYTHING we are and think and do is a matter of belief and perspective (including believing that HRB is the bomb, and I am sure it is and will help thousands)
    What I am telling you is we are talking about the same thing AND that I AM choosing my beliefs based not on fear, or any limitation, but on knowledge beyond the knowledge or experience of 99.9999999 percent of people will ever even hear about let alone know. You realize that Tantra is the reason for almost everything we even understand about healing, existence and ACIM included. It is over 600o years old in recording and older than that.
    I am asking you not to limit yourself either :) AND i enjoy the conversations. I think monogamy on the whole stinks as most people practice it. I think open relationships are the same just opposite sides of the coin.. so we do agree I’m suggesting something that has not even been used yet, as I created the term, evolving relationships… A place to grow and choose and not be limited by terms or beliefs of how it should be ..only what it is a couple wants to create in that moment… BTW when I was as young as you are, I said the same thing about experience and years… At 50 I am speaking differently, from experience of those years ( AND there are people who no amount of years they live will make a damn bit of difference)… At 16 I already was setting the world on fire in my field (different then) and I do have to say there is something to the deciding to live in the physical world and abide by some of it’s mundane aspects that is so amazing and fulfilling as I said otherwise.. just leave it.. I want to glorify in it, feel gravity, all the pain and love all the amazing texture and depths that as a human I can expand into. I want to push my container and feel the opposition.. What other reason is there to even exist like this otherwise?

  5. Erika, loving the discussion and I do not know if you are aware of me in terms of education and training. I am a Classical Tantra (not Neo though I teach that as well) teacher and what that actually means is I hold 3 ancient lineages that are all about transforming energy. In fact one of my teachers did not believe in death and he transformed death into some pretty amazing things. I dare say I hold less beliefs that most people about what we can create and uncreate, and I am living pretty miraculously. I have also cured 3 “incurable ” illnesses. I do believe that there is a point to some of this mundane and physical body stuff, which is also why I am tantrik. to embrace the here and now and the experiences and emotions of this moment, in this body and with these senses. Otherwise quite frankly I would have offed myself a long time ago and intertwined with the cosmos and forget this whole physical experience.Fear is part of humanity although I use it for growth not holding back.
    I agree most people are fearful and make decisions from that space and I think it is wonderful to open up the doors and talk about things and get different perspectives, AND as someone who is almost 50 and has lived a life of 100 people this time around in terms of experience, I tell you that our decision to be exclusive is from understanding that for us, the growth and hard work is being exclusive (right now) and this aspect will allow both of us to grow in these bodies and souls in this life. I think that we should neither be open or monogamous as both are contracts that are constraining. I think we should be evolving with each other, either sexually or not sexually.

    • I hear ya. I’m sure you have experienced some things I have not experienced, and vice versa … I don’t put much stock in how many “years” it appears anyone has been on the planet, in fact I consider it to be irrelevant to anything.

      And I’m not trying to talk you into not being monogamous.

      What I will say is that I can tell by the way you speak about experience that you have not experienced what I see on a regular basis with my method … that’s not a judgment that it’s “better” … it’s just an experience that you haven’t had.

      And I’d be very very curious how you would feel about all of this if we did a very powerful HBR session on the beliefs you listed.

      This also is not to get you to sign up, so please hear my intention for what it is. Opening doors of possibility.

  6. Well that is a good question, and what if the answer is, to live here in a new way…

    Let’s take one belief and look at it. ‘Testosterone is an oxytocin killer.’ once I realize that belief is not true and that I don’t have to ‘live with it,’ why would I want to keep it?

  7. We treat sex differently because of evolution as well as the hormones created when engaging in sex, as well as brain activity and energetic activity that we do not create elsewhere.
    When engaged in sex we create bonding hormones as women and while men do create these hormones they are destroyed once the man ejaculates, as testosterone is an oxytocin killer.
    This leaves women (even if they do not believe so) at a disadvantage when sharing sex freely with multiple partners.
    And then there is societal influence and religious influence.
    When I share dinner or my jacket with someone I am not taking their body fluids, or energy into my body either, so there is an issue of physical and energetic management.
    Pregnancy is great reason to not just have sex with everyone you meet.
    I see no different between just having sex with whomever you want when you want and polyamory. Yes you communicate in poly but then again if you are truly going to be free to have sex with whomever you want you would always get your way.
    Also you are celibate right now because you want to have sex in a committed open relationship if I understand you correctly. How does that make sense?

    • All right … thank you … see this could be an interesting discussion …
      I appreciate you sharing all those beliefs because I think most people’s sexual choices (mine included, probably) are affected at least in part by those beliefs …

      And I’m going to invite you to consider the possibility that none of those beliefs is true …

      … that each of those beliefs is frozen fear …

      … and that without those beliefs, all of us would have access to an entirely new, and totally miraculous, world.

      • Those beliefs are all based on the fundamental core belief that you “are a body” and that you “are limited to your body” .. a fundamental core belief that blocks miracles, keeps each person locked in their separate cell, and precludes any form of Oneness …

  8. Maybe once in the last year. Erika, amongst other things I am a sexual educator and talk to men, women and couples about sex and other very intimate topics and so I do create intimacy in my coaching so one could say we already share in some ways. I believe max and I are very clear about what our needs and desires are and that at THIS Point in our journey not sharing our sexual needs or desires with others is how we want to role. If things change for either of us we will be talking. And I trust we both are being authentic and fear will not stop us from discussing the hard stuff. Granted it is easier in some regard not to have all your eggs in one basket…. for some people.

    • Yes, I hear you, you have an agreement based on current needs and desires, and I respect that. I’m more curious about the beliefs that support the agreement, because I’d be willing to bet that most monogamous couples treat sex differently than they treat anything else. For example, they would not feel they were “cheating” on their partner by working with others at their job, by having lunch with friends, by sharing a jacket with a friend who is cold, by attending a spiritual or religious event with others … and so it begs the question: why do we treat sex differently?

  9. ” at this time we are not interested in sharing that area of our lives with others because we want the quality of going deeper with each other, time is a factor, no outside interest.. I am 50 he is 41, we both have had a lot of experience. We found each other and once we did, neither one of us felt the need ( we simply do not see anything other than the beauty of others with no need or desire to even query anything) to look anymore. Not because we are afraid to be alone(we weren’t alone when we met) not because we think monogamy is the only way, not because there aren’t other beautiful wonderful loving people in the world, it is because we truly deeply are happy we found each other, it was like coming home and we fit, we belong, and no one else fits what we need, want and desire from another like we do for each other..

  10. And thanks for opening the discussion in a different way..and yes tantra and tanja kinda of go together :)

  11. it is our preference at this time to not share sexual touch with others.

  12. BTW, Tantra is the oldest technology for persoanl transforamtion, and the sexual arts of Tantra, the ones that teach how we can utilize our powerful sexual energy, are all about bonding a couple for a long period of time. Using sexual energy with one person, as long as it is conscious, (which most regular relationships are not) is a tool to reach the hands of God and become one with everything. Mnogamy is not the problem it self, our lack of training around sexuality, ourselves and life is the problem. Well that and the fact that there is so much shame guilt and addiction around sex, it keeps perpetauting this myth we need to get to and stay stuck in the 3rd level of sex (there are 5 levels) The 3rd level is getting bigger and bigger charges from sex by adding other people or things or roles. Once we realize that it is not going to fulfill us either we can start to move towards a more healing and conscious sexual model, which may or may not include loving one or more people. It sure won’t include casual free for alls though. Conscious relationships with God, ourselves and others is definitely needed. And as someone who was a serial monogamist (with cheating partners), as one who was the cheating partner, as one who was in a poly relationship and now as one who is in an evolving relationship, I get actually know about all these facets not just theorizing here. There really is no monogamy because very few people have only ever had sex with one person in their whole lives. I don”t believe poly is the complete answer either..

    • Hey Tanja, (kinda cool how your name is the first same three letters as tantra, huh?)

      So I feel like we are going around in circles with this conversation, and I take full responsibility for that. I’ve been allowing something to happen that I advise my clients not to do, and that is keeping a discussion at the level of “strategies.” Which doesn’t create the possibility for something new to happen.

      Let me ask you a question in a different way, with the intention of opening up space for a new kind of conversation here, about beliefs and values rather than strategies.

      If I ask you to finish this sentence, what would you say:

      “Erika, you cannot participate in my sexual relationship with my partner because _________”

    • All right, well you are telling me a conclusion. You are not telling me the values behind that conclusion. And to me that’s where the heart of this discussion is, especially if we are going to be more authentic than we have ever been before. Celibacy has met a lot of needs for me, but ultimately if I’m honest, it is partly based in fear. And only if I’m honest is there space for anything new to happen.

      So … you are of course free not to share, I’m just inviting you to go deeper with us if you want to … “it is our preference not to share sexual touch with others because _______”

  13. “Right dear. That’s why we have a 55% divorce rate and the vast majority of married people cheating on each other.

    Wake up.”

    Interesting your response is like that when the poster had no intentions of rejection poly/open relationships. Now besides stating percentages it would be REALLY scholarly of you to actually delve into that 55% of divorces and see the actual cause of separation. How many started a new relationship and got remarried? Is the second marriage more satisfying than the first? Was communication practiced more thoroughly.

    I suspect your response, if you so choose to, could be similar to those who stood up for monogamy, or even serial monogamy. I came to this site to learn, and I’m learning alright and some articles you’ve wrote are eye-opening so I’ll you credit for that, but it is very clear you have an agenda and you type just to type for provocative sakes. I mean, don’t have something better else to do than to demonize and belittle a lifestyle that is opposite of yours?

    • It’s not opposite of mine, dear. I am currently celibate. Nor am I demonizing it. It’s already ultra-destructive, causing endless pain and suffering. I’m simply bringing conscious awareness to what is already there. People keep trying to “fix” the special relationship. It can’t be fixed. It’s designed to fail and then to make the people for whom it failed feel unworthy. That’s not life-serving, and I’m not going to be silent about it.

  14. fun-da-mental says:

    Absolutely fascinating discussion so far.

    I just want to add this:

    The ego has just one problem: It is terrified of death!
    But what is this ego actually…? Have we really investigated? If ‘we’ find out what the ego really is, all concept-confusions simply dissolve.

    Then, living together with one person simply happens in the here and now, till it ends. Having sex with many people simply happens till it ends. All kind of relationships or celibacy just spontaneously appear and disappear… Just coming and going…no problem with nothing for nobody.

    And then – Samadhi!

  15. In my belief, there is such a thing as karma and karmic lessons people need to work out in their lifetimes. That is why you can’t point the finger and try to use guilt to make people feel bad about the lives they have created.

    Maybe you hold onto a lot of guilt yourself, Erika, particularly around sex, which is why you try to challenge other people’s ideas about it. It’s a way for you to work out your own insecurities and limiting beliefs.

  16. Erika, how can you write: “It sucks, the world you made, and you deserve better”?

    Who are you to judge what “sucks” in the world someone has created or what they “deserve” in life?

  17. I’m going to have to beg your pardon, dear. And I will also have to beg to differ. JUST because I do not yet have an IPhone 4, does not necessarily mean the world I have created sucks. OK, it sucks because I do not have an IPhone 4. How do I get rid of this self-limiting belief? No IPhone 4 = Death. I cannot live like this.

    OK seriously, I am very thankful for the world I am told I created, but now that you have given me permission, you have NO idea what is in my imagination that I can’t WAIT to create!!

    I don’t even need tap dance lessons!!



    • Erika Awakening says:

      @Elizabeth, I recently helped someone manifest a SmartPhone because he thought that was out of his reach. But he took responsibility for his reality, and now he has a SmartPhone.

  18. I also feel “dear” has a condescending tone to provoke and trigger others.
    I think you like arguing and getting a rise out of people and “prove” your point. Almost like a lawyer or something.

  19. I will agree to disagree, Erika.

    Have a wonderful evening,
    thank you for chatting.

    continued success,


    • Erika Awakening says:

      It’s okay, dear. You will agree soon enough, because truth cannot be denied, and you don’t want the world you made. It sucks, the world you made, and you deserve better. Good night :)

  20. Erika Awakening says:

    Actually, I use “dear one” as a term of affection and equality, a recognition that you are not separate from me, and I may as well be talking to myself.

    There’s no room for negotiation on this one, dear one. I know you want to cling to the illusion of the special hate relationship, because that’s what the ego bids us do. But it’s time to let it go. It doesn’t serve you, and it doesn’t serve anyone else either.

  21. Erika, once again, I disagree.

    It is fully possible to be free from suffering, no matter WHAT is going on.

    Obviously you have dismissed me, which is OK, but I make some very salient points worthy of an intelligent discussion.

    Just curious, are you using the word “dear” with me in a condescending way in order to prop yourself up?

    Some people do do that. I don’t care, because people are not behaving towards me because of anything I do, it is about how they are feeling in that moment.



  22. Did you not say that limiting oneself in terms of sexual partners was an egoic maneuver and such manuevers would prevent the salvation of the world? By salvaging the world, I am equating that to the word liberation and freeing the world from bondage.

    Also, if we are going to consciously choose words, perhaps let’s consider leaving the word “ego” out of it, shall we? Ego has gotten a bad rap, and I find that using the word confuses the issue more. The ego is necessary in order to survive in physical form. I prefer to use “sense of separation”.

    So, you take quotes from A Course in Miracles and then make your own assertions like:

    “Monogamy is ego belief built upon ego belief built upon ego belief. If it weren’t for these ridiculous beliefs in separation, nobody would want monogamy. And nobody will want it, when they are healed.

    I could write about all the assumptions that underlie the “choice” of monogamy for months … every single one of them comes from the ego and must be released.”

    You say nobody will want monogamy when they are healed.

    I disagree that monogamy is necessarily any less open, sharing or
    limiting than polyamory. I was not knocking polyamory. I am definitely open to it. Let consenting adults do whatever they want.

    Communal living ala Osho is in no way a measure of freedom, liberation, openness and sharing, it has been seen, although communism can work and in its purest form is brilliant. But is it practical? Not really.

    I maintain that your view is yet another fundamentalist view, more rules, and not very practical. Your view, of necessity, must also include the belief that all persons will be bi-sexual when they are healed, no heteros and no gays.

    I reserve the right to prefer to have another, just as valid and conscious opinion as yours. My opinion is that my view is a more all- inclusive approach, that does not so readily ascribe cause and effect judgments extrapolating beliefs to behaviors as yours does.


    Feisty Elizabeth

    • Erika Awakening says:

      @Elizabeth, It’s okay, dear. You will change your mind. When is not important. Anything you do not share will make you suffer, and I know you don’t want that.

  23. “Monogamy is not love. It is the exclusion of love, because it chooses one brother or sister and forsakes all others. That is not love, and it will never be love. Period.”

    Nope. In the Big Picture, it’s ALL Love. Period.

    Not sure what kind of “love” you are talking about.
    The kind that supports your own process in the moment, I guess.

    Your statement(s) still reflects belief in one of the subtle veils of ego illusion.

    Here’s how:

    Your stance purports to illuminate a means towards final liberation. It uses a debate between two sides of the same coin, namely monogamy vs. polygamy, positions which are included in a field of impermanent, dependently originating objects.

    Choosing monogamy or polygamy as a lifestyle makes not one iota of difference. It’s a lifestyle choice. Period.

    It’s no different than choosing a vegan lifestyle vs. including meat in the diet.

    Sorry, but it’s just business as usual. Try again!



    • Erika Awakening says:

      My, my aren’t we feisty today, Elizabeth? Not interested in sharing your partner, dear … what is it, exactly, you are scared to lose? :p

      Notice that I did not use any of the words you are using … polygamy, “final liberation,” etc. The words I use are very consciously chosen … sharing, opening, letting go of limitations.

      Monogamy is ego belief built upon ego belief built upon ego belief. If it weren’t for these ridiculous beliefs in separation, nobody would want monogamy. And nobody will want it, when they are healed.

      I could write about all the assumptions that underlie the “choice” of monogamy for months … every single one of them comes from the ego and must be released.

      “Be not afraid to look upon the special hate relationship, for freedom lies in looking at it. It would be impossible not to know the meaning of love, except for this. For the special love relationship, in which the meaning of love is hidden, is undertaken solely to offset the hate, but not to let it go. Your salvation will rise clearly before your eyes as you look on this. You cannot limit hate. The special love relationship will not offset it, but will merely drive it underground and out of sight. It is essential to bring it into sight, and to make no attempt to hide it. For it is the attempt to balance hate with love that makes love meaningless to you. The extent of the split that lies in this you do not realize. And until you do, the split will remain unrecognized, and therefore unhealed.”

      – A Course in Miracles

      “Love is freedom. To look for it by placing yourself in bondage is to separate yourself from it. For the Love of God, no longer seek for union in separation, nor for freedom in bondage! As you release, so will you be released. Forget this not, or Love will be unable to find you and comfort you.”

      – A Course in Miracles

      “Those who choose freedom will experience only its results. Their power is of God, and they will give it only to what God has given, to share with them. Nothing but this can touch them, for they see only this, sharing their power according to the Will of God. And thus their freedom is established and maintained. It is upheld through all temptation to imprison and to be imprisoned. It is of them who learned of freedom that you should ask what freedom is. Ask not the sparrow how the eagle soars, for those with little wings have not accepted for themselves the power to share with you.”

      – A Course in Miracles

  24. Erika Awakening says:

    @Sasha, I’ve been very consistent about not wanting monogamy and have said over and over and over and over again that commitment and monogamy are not the same thing. In all my relationships, I choose commitment and freedom simultaneously. It is not necessary to sacrifice when everything has been re-imagined in the light of Oneness.

    Behavior matters tremendously because, as I’ve said over and over and over again, the body follows the mind. A separate mind leads to unaligned behavior. Right thought leads to right action.

    Monogamy is not love. It is the exclusion of love, because it chooses one brother or sister and forsakes all others. That is not love, and it will never be love. Period.

  25. @Angela “For some people, there is a freedom in their commitment – meaning, they have chosen to commit.”

    This. There is monogamy from a place of love and monogamy from a place of fear. Demanding your partner to be monogamous

    @Erika: You are where you are. You’ve been bound by a fearful monogamy and you got freed from it – great! You needed marriage and a ring to have sex and now you are free from these limitations – great! Given how far one way your pendulum was, tt’s only natural that it is swinging ALL way in the other direction and that you can’t see a possibility of monogamy in a different light – in a light of LOVE.

    I’ve come from a monogamous culture but have been monogamous (by conscious choice for myself) for a total of 2 month in my life (both times there was a clear expiration point to a relationship). Those were very calm and enjoyable months in my life. I’ve shun monogamy the way you do – until I arrived at the point where I see monogamy as freeing rather than constricting. There is so much freedom in committing to a partner of my choosing, there is so much freedom in creating a tight container.

    In the end, behavior doesn’t really matter. One can choose to be monogamous, one can choose to be polyamorous, one can oscillate between these poles throughout love. Are you making a choice from a place of love or a place of fear? Spirit is limitless and boundless, but while in flesh, there are boundaries and limits.

  26. I don’t need to have sex with someone, to show them or let them know that I love them. For some people, there is a freedom in their commitment – meaning, they have chosen to commit. A lot of those people who cheat, regret it, and realize what an awful thing they’ve done to their significant other; some manage to stay together, working through whatever problems led to that in the first place, and others split. Even some of those who decided to open their marriage, found that it didn’t make things better for them.

    I know what I want for myself, I know what I feel comfortable with, and I trust that God doesn’t think any less of me for it.

  27. I don’t need to wake up, dear. :)

  28. I don’t know about all the Course in Miracles stuff, as I’m not religious at all myself, but I do know this…. There are many ways to limit oneself, to push the responsibility for my life off on to someone else or something else. Some external source I can blame for whatever problems…. OR, I can choose to be responsible for all of it.

    I can be myself – mercilessly and recklessly, perhaps – or I can choose to be someone else’s idea of what I should be. Should I bow to this diety or that government official; to this church or to that teacher; to my parents or to my lover? Or should I be myself in all my glory and flaws? Shall I be open or closed? In the realm of the possible, or in the realm of the impossible?

    The tighter my grasp – the more effort is required to hold on.

    As you have pointed out, Erika, just look at the rate of divorce and cheating to see how well trying to stop the flow works.

    I personally don’t require gods or spirits to arrive at this same answer. For me, it is simple math. My odds are better this way. To obtain the results I desire (living authentically) from life, the best plan is to go with the flow….

  29. Erika and Lance,

    I appreciate your loving intentions and the emphasis on sharing. I have no doubt you are sincere in your desire to share love with others.

    Yet, Erika, no matter how you conclude your assertions by saying, ‘Period.” — I find your understanding of the Course to be limited and selective. Yet, even if I am right, why should I try to change your point of view?

    On that issue, I admit that I was triggered by both your tone and your claims, and yes my reaction shows a lack of forgiveness in myself.

    However, I would suggest to both of you that even if people (like myself) are triggered by the tone or content of your messages, this is not necessarily a confirmation that they are merely fearful and that your message is obviously so pure and true that they can’t handle it.

    ACIM teaches that you cannot really commune with another through the body anyway. What if you were to go find those quotes in the text and paste that all over your website, and then see how many people get stirred up by it. They will be! People can get stirred up by things that are true, and also by things that are false, if there is fear or defensiveness present.

    You are both right that sexuality brings up deep feelings, but Erika you may be overlooking the fear that is in your own mind around sexuality — fear of limitation — and which may be hiding within your strident call for others to abandon the supposed “death” that lies in monogamy.

    Regarding love-versus-fear in ACIM, it is taught that the presence of love and peace in the liberated mind radiates outward impersonally throughout the entire Sonship to all your fellows, and that includes animals, plants, everything. Jesus says that the miracle should not be chosen by you, but is to be allowed to happen through you, and that you may not even be aware of the impersonal and far-reaching nature of the love or miracle that extends effortlessly from your mind to other minds. The Atonement is entirely abstract and spontaneous.

    What you are saying, Erika, is that once you agree to use the body for sex with someone (instead of not engaging in sex at all) then suddenly the body and the sex are important.

    From this premise you then conclude that if you limit the sex to one person, you are making that person special and limiting the love. Yet the error is in seeing sex as the thing that determines the specialness or not.

    You are making the sex too important, and as I already showed, even in going polyamorous, you clearly are not willing to have sex with absolutely anyone — in order to not make ANYONE special — and so it just does not work.

    The Course speaks to a level of mind that is beyond ALL of this.

    Let’s get specific: You quote the Course regarding total sharing and the Son of God having Everything. And then you go on to challenge people’s anger and fear about sharing their partner with the WORLD.

    You say that putting a limit on intimacy would limit “my” ability to have or enjoying everything, so it must be based on hatred.

    HOWEVER — The Course mentions the need to give up our idols. One of those idols, Erika, is the body and the ultimate satisfaction that we think comes from the body and from sex, from money or from anything — absolutely anything that is material.

    You error is this: You are advocating the unlimited sharing of IDOLS, rather than the consciousness that moves beyond all idols.

    Your inheritance as the Child of God is NOT in having everything material and physical that this world offers you. It is in having the sublime Everything (which is No-thing) that exists in God or the Kingdom.

    If you want to know what this is, you can read accounts of complete Revelation from people who are advanced in the Course, or come from other traditions. It is a state of complete oneness in which you cannot even dream of being limited, because you know your true nature is NOT limited.

    It is not, my friend, a state in which everyone has — “Ahh, finally!” says the ego — agreed to share all the idols and limited pleasures of this world by sharing the BODY of their partner with everyone.

    That’s the ego’s idea of heaven — an unlimited feast of idols. And the clever ego of postmodern spirituality always focuses on making these really honest, business-like agreements with people, like, “Let’s agree that I get what I want and you get what you want.”

    That’s basically the ego trying to make alliances within its jail-house so that everyone has more of the goodies. It’s a step up but that is not what Heaven or gnosis is. It’s such a joke, this business of trying to arrange a lack of limits within the world of limited things.

    So, your strident call to transcend monogamy does not demonstrate your freedom from physical idols. It demonstrates your belief in them. This is a classical confusion of levels, as ACIM says.

    More personally, I speak from direct experience. In my “deathly” monogamous lifestyle, I have slept with 4 people this year. I was sincerely dating and relating with each of them, except perhaps one of them.

    It happens that the most significant experience was with someone who engaged in a form of “white tantra” with me, whereby the intimacy was held in a great stillness and receptivity, without a goal orientation. Of course there was even more pleasure in that, but also a deeper innocence and beauty that we both found to be very healing. This is just natural to me, not really a practice but an expression of where “I” am at.

    I was able to be with her in this deep way through the virtue of the spiritual realization that occurred for me several years ago, and continues to unfold. There is a whole lot less of the lust and “mind-activity” in me as a result.

    However, Erika, I can affirm to you that the love and peace that I realized then (and clearly am not entirely embodying–it takes time to mature) has an impact and function that cannot be limited by my monogamous lifestyle. While you rather righteously proclaim monogamy as “death,” I can say, along with many similarly awakened teachers, that monogamy makes no difference whatsoever. Look at the sages of the world. Many have gone celibate, and perhaps many more have lived a simple life of marriage. They live the fullness of God, without regard to how many dollars, bodies, or years they can enjoy in this physical realm. It is all irrelevant because of love.

    Your description of monogamy seems to stem from your own sense of hoarding a body. In the realization of freedom, you are not hoarding anything at all — neither the one body of your partner, nor having the need to share with many bodies. It is irrelevant. There is nothing to hoard because physical conditions don’t matter.

    You and similar teachers find yourselves so revolutionary. You are really beating an old drum and calling everyone to a non-revolution, while you blazon nude pictures on your site and fantasize about a life of happiness through lots of open sex. Awakening gives a fullness that has nothing to do with whether one is having sex with no one, one person, or many.

    I shared all this in the hope it may be useful. I have considered your words sincerely and will do so if you respond, but I am truly finished debating it. I have to work on allowing others to unfold and teach as they see fit. Much love and peace to you.
    Best wishes,

    The Urtext of ACIM (which includes strange capitalization of words) is the original dictation of the Voice speaking to Helen and Bill. It includes discussion of sex that was addressed to Helen and Bill, and so much of it was deleted from the final ACIM text. Yet the Voice is clear about the limits of sex, and in one quote, it says that the choice of a partner with whom to create a household and possibly have children will be aided by allowing Him to guide. Want to include this quote in your articles?

    The Voice of Jesus said:
    “NO fantasies, sexual or otherwise, are true. Fantasies become totally unnecessary as the Wholly satisfying nature of reality becomes apparent. The sex impulse IS a miracle impulse when it is in proper focus. One individual sees in another the right partner for “procreating the stock” (Wolff was not too far off here), and also for their joint establishment of a creative home. This does not involve fantasy at all. If I am asked to participate in the decision, the decision will be a Right one, too.”


    • Erika Awakening says:


      You do not understand my method, so you judge it instead, and you do so based on unexamined assumptions that merely reveal exactly the fear I am talking about in this article. If you have had four partners this year, you are not monogamous. To the extent you are still holding on to the idea of monogamy, I would ask you to explore why that is … because I can get into a deeper conversation with anyone about this, and I guarantee you we will find fear there.

      Just because “prior sages” have done it a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the path of salvation. Monogamy cannot be squared with the Course. It cannot be squared with the Course. It cannot be squared with the Course.

  30. Mike, I must confess and also to everyone who has posted on here, I never read any of your posts. My post that I wrote was a general statement based on observation of my experiences, both personal and what I’ve witnessed others go through. Let’s face it, sex is the fastest trigger puller on the planet. I Love you all, from my heart, and just to put it out there, maybe this is a topic that you could work into your HBR program Erika, I would have sex with anyone as long as there was a conscious connection and open communication. Oh yeah they would have to get along with my wife too, and vise verse. ;) Peace and Love to all.
    “Don’t look at it like it’s a free for all, Look at it like it’s a possibility.”

  31. Lance,

    The fact that I question what is being said about the Course does not mean that I am living in a box of fear. What stirs me up, O self-made enlightened teachers, is not your overwhelmingly radical teachings of truth and love.

    It is the deception of claiming that you speak for a spiritual teaching that hardly advocates open sexual boundaries as the cure for guilt or that such would amount to “right action” after one loses guilt. It is a gross distortion of ACIM. The Course talks about a state of mind that is utterly at one with God and not one that is now free to have sex without guilt. And I’m not saying it’s wrong to have sex with more than one partner at all.

    But tell me, Erika, are you ready to have sex with absolutely anyone and everyone who walks in the door, or is it rather that you would choose to do so only with those to whom you are drawn? Let’s get real. You wouldn’t. No one would.

    It’s love that’s the real issue of the Course, not sex. And it’s lack of love that gives people trouble with monogamy, not guilt about sex.


    • Erika Awakening says:


      There is exactly zero way that monogamy can be squared with the Course. I have already quoted one main passage. Here’s another:

      “You cannot enter into real relationships with any of God’s Sons unless you love them all and equally. Love is not special. If you single out part of the Sonship for your love, you are imposing guilt on all your relationships and making them unreal.”

      There is absolutely no way you can justify reserving sex for one person unless you are making that person “special,” somehow unlike all the rest of God’s Sons. And that cannot be reconciled with the Course. Period.

      If sex is not important, then don’t have it with anyone. But if you make it important enough to have it, it must be shared to be holy.

      I see this going one of two directions. Either sex becomes completely irrelevant and I don’t have it with anybody. Or I have it with quite a few people, and it becomes similar to how I live the rest of my life, following the current of connection and engaging, as you suggest, with people who feel drawn to me. That’s certainly how my teaching goes for the most part. As a practical matter, I’m not going to teach everyone right now, so I allow God to choose my students for me.

      That is a far cry from insisting that I will only teach one student, or that I am reserving my teaching for some exclusive group. Why do I publish this blog, post on Facebook all the time, and even share my mostly naked photographs with the world? Because the Course has convinced me that sharing is the only way I would ever want to live. So I move toward more and more sharing. Monogamy is totally inconsistent with moving toward more and more sharing. It is a fear-based system of hoarding one “body” for oneself, and it cannot be justified nor sustained. No matter how prettily it is dressed up.

      Monogamy is a lack of love. A lack of love for the rest of your brothers and sisters, and therefore a lack of love for yourself.

      – Erika

  32. Erika,

    According to your reading of these sentences, it is false/fearful even to choose to live with someone (or a few friends) as a housemate, for that would be to make them (and not someone else) a partner in some aspect of living.

    Is that the error, or is the Course simply saying that the error is in using the person/activity for a purpose that is not shared. In ACIM the purpose is always love, which is shared with all.

    The fact that one has sexual intimacy with someone doesn’t mean you are using them or using the sex for a purpose that is less than love. Likewise, the fact that one has intimacy with many people doesn’t mean that one isn’t using them or sex for the purpose of love. ACIM teaches that nothing but love can be shared by all. It doesn’t teach that you have to expand sexuality to all so that love — or as you said, healing “energy” — can be shared with all.

    The Course says it focuses on changing how the mind relates to things (the level of cause) and not to changing behavior.

    I feel that you are leaping to conclusions to support what you think is a behavioral injunction by the Course, but I won’t argue it further. Lastly, I do trust you help many people to attain happiness, but I think you can understand why I also perceive a sexual focus in your work.


    • Erika Awakening says:


      No, that’s not my interpretation of it at all. It says “aspect of living … which THEY WOULD NOT SHARE WITH OTHERS.” It’s rare to find a house of people living together where they would not invite others over for dinner or to spend the night as a guest. And yet … not sex? Why not sex? When a guest comes to stay, why not share your bedroom and your sex with that guest?

      And the answer, if people are honest about it, is guilt, shame, and fear about sex. Otherwise, sex would be shared freely and treated no differently than other things we share freely, such as meals we are perfectly willing to share with friends.

      Also, I disagree completely with the idea that the Course is not talking about changing behavior. With right thought comes right action. As I said, let go of the fear and monogamy will go. It will be voluntarily and organically let go, because nobody will want it anymore when the fear is gone.

      There is a sexual focus in my work. I personally am still working out exactly where sex fits in with all this. One thing that is very clear to me is that monogamy fosters guilt and must be let go. Whether that means no sex or sex with everyone I don’t yet know. The one option I’m certain it will NOT mean is sex limited to one “special” person. I’m open to the possibilities. I’m on the road to find out …


  33. Opening to Love. When you live in a box of fear surrounded by shadows everything is a button waiting to be pushed. The sex topic has quite a knack for pushing those buttons in a lot of people. I shared this article on my page and it stirred up some stuff, lets say. Thank You Erica, Just what the world needs, more opening to Love.

  34. Hi Erika,

    It is baffling to me that you use A Course in Miracles to claim that sexual exclusivity with anyone blocks universal love to all. That is absurd. Never does ACIM say that you have to give up marriage or monogamy, only the special relationship.

    ACIM says that the Holy Spirit will turn your special relationship(s) into holy ones. Being sexually exclusive with someone cannot limit universal love, precisely because what we do with the body is not important — whether we sleep with many people OR just one person.

    People cheat on each other out of the alienation, dishonesty (refusal to deal with the actual issue) and sexual restlessness that is inherent in the fearful ego. An awakened spirit can happily live one person if that’s what they enjoy doing. The reason divorce and cheating are so common is the lack of peace and healthy relating in the ego. Notice that ACIM talks about awakening from ego and not on changing the rules or norms of monogamy and marriage.

    Neither evolution nor monogamy are the problem here. Yes, we are spirit, but ACIM teaches that we came here not because we thought it would be fun but because we became fearful and made this world out of fear. At the core of the ego we made is the belief that we make the rules here. So, do you study and teach A Course in Miracles, or are you making up your own version while you help some rather sex-obsessed people to achieve their “goals”?

    Care to quote ACIM regarding the false importance the ego places on the body? That might spoil your business, it seems.


    • Erika Awakening says:


      ACIM is unequivocal about this. It says:

      “It is sure that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living [yes, that includes sex], and use them for any purpose [yes, that includes sex] which they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than die of it. This is the choice they see. And love, to them, is only an escape from death. They seek it desperately, but not in the peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them. And when they find the fear of death is still upon them, the love relationship loses the illusion that it is what it is not. When the barricades against it are broken, fear rushes in and hatred triumphs.”

      Many, many people would like to pretend that ACIM does not say what it says … but it’s pure self-deception. Monogamy cannot be sustained under the teachings of ACIM. Monogamy is based on fear, and when the fear goes, monogamy will go with it.

      My clients are mostly not focused on getting sex. They are mostly focused on attaining happiness, which fortunately I am able to help them attain.


  35. Erika Awakening says:

    Right dear. That’s why we have a 55% divorce rate and the vast majority of married people cheating on each other.

    Wake up.

  36. A lot of people happily and freely chose monogamy. :)

  37. I get that using the word death will get the message across :) but really death is not to me a form of separation, rather in death we become one with all.

  38. Men are not designed for monogamy according to evolution. They are designed to spread their seed with as many genetically compatible women as possible in their life time.
    Women were designed to have babies and to create tribe and community.
    Monogamy was created by the church. It has rarely worked.. men have had lovers ( as have women) for centuries. Today 78 percent of men cheat on their wives and wives have emotional affairs in the droves.
    Whether you are in monogamy or poly you are still in a static box and that needs to change. We are not static beings.
    I have coined the phrase “evolving relationship” which means we have to keep the channels open to communication with our partners, whether in monogamy or poly. Anytime we decided to rigidly define how we are going to live for 40 years with another person we leave the possibility to spiritual death. We should evolve and grow and leave open the possibility of life.
    I have both types of relationships and at this time I am with that special person,who does fulfill everything for me… in an evolving relationship that at this time is monogamous. The fairy tale can come true and thats just another possibility of life, and I am surely not dead spiritually or any other way.
    I am not an advocate for or against monogamy nor poly, I’m an advocate for authenticity.
    Tantra and Karezza can teach men and women how to live a life of authenticity and happy monogamy is desired, and quite easily.

    • Erika Awakening says:


      To be clear, I do not agree at all with the statement “Men are not designed for monogamy according to evolution.” We are not here because of evolution. We are here because we decided it would be fun to have this incarnated experience, and we invented all of it, the entire world we see.

      As long as people “buy in” to evolutionary theories about how we got here, they will be living in fear. There is no way for women to fearlessly accept sharing partners if they buy in to those ridiculous theories. There would always be a fear that the man will leave them for a younger woman blah blah blah.

      We are not bodies. We are spirit incarnate. We wrote all the rules under which we live. And we can now rewrite those rules so that everyone on this planet can live in perfect harmony and safety by rejecting fear in every form it takes.

      – Erika

  39. Sigh. Polys are convinced people who choose monogamy are unevolved. Maybe, some polys are simply sex addicts that can’t handle entering into sacred relationship. As soon as you judge someone, you are not loving them, and you are not truly poly.
    Beyond that..monogamy and polyamory is just apples and oranges. And there are people in both that should do some serious healing before they are in any. But one or the other will not be the end of the world or the spiritual or literal death of humanity. Why reduce A Course in Miracles to a conversation about how many people one has sex with? I can appreciate your attempt to have ACIM support your agenda, but honestly, “You are not a body” so what’s with the obsession with sex?
    I know provocation is your “thing.” And the ego tempts us to want to make other people see our point of view/experience as the only one that’s right. Keeping in mind the main objective here is to sell your techniques, which probably have been successful in helping many people lead more fulfilling lives, not just have more sex.
    It’s the utter lack of humility, loving respect and understanding in your message that is so removed from the teachings of A Course in Miracles which for me speaks volumes without saying a word.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      There are many instances, Martha, where so-called “understanding” is just keeping people stuck and unconscious.

      My work is mostly at the level of ideas, but ideas are what create the world we see. Sex is not just sex. It’s a whole complex of beliefs that have profound impact on the way our society is set up. Exclusive sexual relationships stem from ideas (exclusivity, defenses) that are at the root of conflict, war, disease, and suffering in the world we experience. So no … I won’t be “understanding” or “humble” about it … The ego’s version of humility would just keep the world in chains.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        “The special love relationship is an attempt to limit the destructive effects of hate by finding a haven in the storm of guilt. It makes no attempt to rise above the storm, into the sunlight. On the contrary, it emphasizes the guilt outside the haven by attempting to build barricades against it, and keep within them. The special love relationship is not perceived as a value in itself, but as a place of safety from which hatred is split off and kept apart. The special love partner is acceptable only as long as he serves this purpose. Hatred can enter, and indeed is welcome in some aspects of the relationship, but it is still held together by the illusion of love. If the illusion goes, the relationship is broken or becomes unsatisfying on the grounds of disillusionment.

        “Love is not an illusion. It is a fact. Where disillusionment is possible, there was not love but hate. For hate is an illusion, and what can change was never love. It is sure that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living, and use them for any purpose which they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than die of it. This is the choice they see. And love, to them, is only an escape from death. They seek it desperately, but not in the peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them. And when they find the fear of death is still upon them, the love relationship loses the illusion that it is what it is not. When the barricades against it are broken, fear rushes in and hatred triumphs.”

        – A Course in Miracles

        Beliefs create the world we see. If you’d like to continue seeing a world of sickness, suffering, and death, then continue clinging on the guilt-based ideas of exclusivity and separation. If you’d like to see a world of harmony, health, and happiness, I invite you to free your mind from every notion of exclusivity, separation from the whole, or defenses against the whole that you placed there. Because your mind is creating all of it.

  40. i understand this article. however to a spiritually advanced person monogamy versus polyamory really makes little difference.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      No venom on my blog, Katherine. If what I write triggers fear in you, which obviously it does … own it. Otherwise your comments will not be published here.

  41. I’m not offended, and I don’t see monogamy as death.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      “Prisoners bound with heavy chains for years, starved and emaciated, weak and exhausted, and with eyes so long cast down in darkness they remember not the light, do not leap up in joy the instant they are made free. It takes a while for them to understand what freedom is.” – ACIM

  42. Fascinating (if not particularly digestible) read, Erika! :) I have to wonder about how the death of monogamy affects your view on bearing a child, or raising a family? I find myself unneverved at the thought finding out the anwers (if they are any just now) yet there’s something utterly compelling about the quest for higher truth…

    Perhaps material for another article in the series?

  43. But I love death :-)

  44. right on Erika!!! Awesome article!

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