I feel scared to have sex again …

Grappling with My Little Fear Monster

sexual fearSo … I’m going to write this “quickie” little blog article before my ego persuades me not to …

I feel scared to have sex again. There, I said it. What coaches are not supposed to say because we’re supposed to have it “all under control” and be graceful all the time … and, well, I’m not. Sometimes, I feel decidedly ungraceful. In fact, I embrace messiness as part of my transformation process because very often a feeling of chaos and “everything going down the toilet” precedes my quantum leaps …

So this is me. Raw, uncensored, perfectly imperfect … I’m still feeling scared to have sex. So scared of it that my ego interposes all sorts of strange obstacles and “noise” between me and it. Convincing me that all my worst fears are coming true and I had better … stay very far away from sex. I had better manufacture a wall of words and conflicts to put between me and sex.

And this actually used to seem … believable.

It’s just not believable anymore. I go in and out of feeling intensely triggered. Wow, there must be gold beyond this veil because the ego really, really does not want me to move through this. In fact, it wants to jettison every opportunity to move past it before I even get there …

So I’m just patiently working through my triggers and fears as they arise, and … not believing it anymore. I will move through this. I do not care what it takes.

For now though, I’m doing nothing. Waiting, listening, in quietness.

Erika Awakening

If you missed our earlier article about this, you can read it here:

No More Celibacy

If you missed our earlier articles about monogamy, check them out here:

What Is Monogamy?

The Quiet Desperation of Monogamy

Five Reasons Why Monogamy Is An Absolute Bar to World Peace

How Monogamy Is Like Racial Segregation

How Specialness Ruined Sex for Everyone

Saving the Planet One “Orgy” At A Time


Erika Awakening, Teaching People How to Create Everyday Miracles at TAPsmarter

Erika Awakening is one of the world’s foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and living life on your own terms.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Dane Sorensen says:

    I do not know you or your situation well enough to be of much value, but I can share a video I once watched on fear by that provides an excellent technique for identifying the feeling, and ultimately being free of it. I hope it provides you some benefit, best wishes!


  2. I think sex will be revolutionized when we stop attaching so much meaning to it. At present we have made it into an instrument of fear, a way to fulfill our needs, the ultimate acquisition that will supposedly give us security, power and control. Many women use sex as a way to get love and commitment, while many men pretend to love a woman so they can have sex with her. Once we have sex with someone we believe that they have become ours, like property that cannot be taken or enjoyed by any other. Religion was manipulated to turn sex against us. As its influence spread, we saw the rise of a sex negative world, a sex starved world, a world where people became desperate to get sex and would do anything to hold on to it.
    On the other hand, when sexual intercourse becomes social intercourse, a way of connecting with each other, just as we now hug or shake hands, then it loses the heaviness of having to mean something. It becomes purified to mean nothing except that which it is …. pleasure and connection. We work so hard, do so many things, accumulate so much. Why? For pleasure. But who said we have to run through all these hoops to get pleasure. Pleasure is available freely, it is in the air, in nature, in our food, in our bodies, in connecting with each other. Religion made us pleasure averse. Its not enough to reject religion, we must reclaim all those parts of ourself that we gave away to its pleasure averse doctrine. The time has come to create pleasure-centric communities where we relearn how to enjoy the bounty of nature, of being alive and of enjoying each other. And thats just the beginning, a place from where we can begin to enjoy heightened forms of pleasure as we raise our consciousness and extract pleasure from everything, everyone, everywhere.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Rohit,

      Thanks for commenting. I feel curious how you use the word pleasure as I find not everyone uses it the same way.

      In my vocabulary, pleasure is not actually something I value. To me, the pain/pleasure duality keeps people stuck on the hamster wheel, and sex for “pleasure” feels empty to me. Of course, that’s using the word the way I mean the word. To me, physical pleasure has no value. And the intention of my system is to collapse dualities so that instead we can experience a state of constant joy which depends not at all on external stimulation …


      • I love your question Erika. When I first come to the awakening about Polyamory, I looked down on swingers as something crude, shallow not able to access the “high” states of love, romance and sexuality I had discovered. As I searched within myself, going even deeper, I began to see the judgment, the arrogance in my attitude. I meditated on the relevance of casual sex. The insight came very clearly that everything has its place. Casual sex, swinging, free love as it was called in the 60s was a way for us to break free from the brainwashing of religion and society. It was a way to shake off the the romantic love paradigm. To get past the selection of mates based on mentally concocted criteria. To come closer to the ideal of universal, unconditional, free love. To break free from the linkage between love – sex – commitment.
        I found that the lowest common denominator that i had to breakthrough was pleasure. Religion and society have looked down on pleasure for the sake of pleasure, people hooked on pleasure were called hedonists, self serving or selfish. We were taught to work hard, struggle, earn, deserve, be worthy of pleasure. Thus pleasure was linked with pain. And then to lose the object of pleasure was also painful. From this came the unconscious pleasure / pain syndrome.
        The pleasure / pain cycle is a myth, an illusion that has trapped us so deeply that we rarely step outside it or challenge it. Like most issues I find 2 perspectives to view everything: as a physical being, a fragile ego, trying to survive in a competitive, fear filled world or as a spiritual being, indestructible, fearless, connected to the unlimited source of joy, love, peace, wisdom, energy, perfection and timelessness. When I view the world from the latter perspective I am clear that the only purpose of life is pleasure, that everything is here is for our pleasure, that this is the garden of eden, this is heaven, this is the kingdom of god … if we choose to look past the veil. Pleasure is our nature, our essence our birthright. Struggle, pain, hard work, suffering are optional, an option to disconnect from god / source and experience that which we are not.
        In reading the book “Sex before dawn” I found that we knew this for millions of years and lived this way. Even today the Bonobos (apes) live in promiscuous tribes, sex is a form of social interaction that holds the tribe together, generates warm loving feelings between everyone, generates lots of oxytocin, lots of pleasure filled energies that make them live in harmony and peace. In contrast humans limit, restrict and deprive each other of their natural birthright of abundant sex and this leads to the need to possess, grab, fight, control and make war. The hippie slogan of “make love not war” suddenly makes a lot of sense.
        Having said all this, there are many levels of pleasure. The first level is pleasure for the sake of pleasure. No conditions about deserving, earning or being worthy. Unrestricted pleasure! Then in time you realize that what felt good at first gets routine, boring and you want more. This opens the door to heightened states of pleasure. Some seek the dark side, such as pain, bondage, submission and find pleasure where none could imagine it existed. Some turn to substances to simulate pleasure. I use the term “dark side” for contrast and without any negative connotation. Others explore ways to raise their energy, clear their wounds, meditate, raise their consciousness and experience heightened orgasms. Even this is a lot of work. I prefer a more natural aligning with my soul / essence and letting it guide me, knowing that I am perfect, knowing that everything I need is already inside me and all I have to do is to allow myself to enjoy this magnificent world, this beautiful body and this wonderful opportunity called life.

  3. Toby Neuendorf says:

    I believe that 'sex' will be revolutionized when more and more men start honoring the sacred feminine… in themselves and in the women they interact with.

  4. Disbelieve everything your mind tells you. Say NO! to everything it tells you. Absolutely Everything! And you will be free at last. Free from its control over you. From its tyrannical, fear filled rule. The monumental edifice that it constructed throughout your life will come crumbling down. From its ashes the true ruler of your being shall arise, the Self that know you can do no wrong, that is shameless, fearless and free.

  5. Andy Liew says:

    Erika, you are doing well. Our minds are created with fear embedded in it. and we just can’t wake up one day and be free of fear, and to be loving, grateful and all that. but as you are experiencing, to be aware of the feelings, is to be liberated from it. so rather than being propelled to act / or not based on your fear, just do what you are doing now – wait, listen,

  6. Daniel Holeman says:

    Thank you for your courage and insight that serves to awaken others in various ways. I see you Erika. And I love what I see, imperfections and all. Many Blessings,
    Daniel (a fellow sojourner in Life)

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