Everyone Knows that Monogamy Is Wrong: Now What Are We Going to Do About It?

10 Biggest Lies We Tell Ourselves Many of the historical images in this post were borrowed from the Wikipedia commons at http://wikipedia.comRecently I have been sharing my view that monogamy and racial segregation are the same thing. Some people think this is hyperbole, that I’m overstating the case. Many people have responded with fear or knee-jerk reactions. Many people, to their credit, are at least willing to consider the possibility that there could be something to this. And frankly I haven’t done a good enough job of explaining why monogamy and racial segregation are the same thing.

Before we get into today’s article, I want to express my gratitude for the many people who commented on our last monogamy article, Five Reasons Why Monogamy Is An Absolute Bar to World Peace. We have had over 200 comments so far, and dozens of different views and experiences expressed. Whether you agree or disagree with me, I still appreciate your comment. I am a firm believer that if we will all stay connected during the heat of our biggest conflicts, we will come out on the other side as friends and with a new consensus about what kind of world we want to create together.

Okay now, let’s not try to sugarcoat this and get right into it … Everyone knows that monogamy is wrong. Monogamy is the ultimate form of bigotry. Monogamy is based on hate and fear and is one of the ugliest practices on the planet today. Not only are we excluding an entire race or culture from our intimacy … we are excluding the entire planet except our “special snowflake” partner (read why specialness ruined sex for everyone here). And almost none of us are being honest about WHY we insist on excluding everyone …

Monogamy Is Like Racial Segregation

Now wait … For some people, this article will be VERY challenging to our belief systems. So before you have a knee-jerk emotional reaction that will almost surely be the wrong reaction … If there is any temptation to blast ahead to the comments section and tell me all the reasons why what I am writing here is OUTRAGEOUS and horribly misguided … Please be aware that all the arguments you are making have already been made. They were made during the Holocaust to justify first segregating and then killing the Jews. They are made today to justify killing animals for meat and leather, even though it’s clearly murder. And these same arguments were all made during the times of racial segregation in the United States.

How is it any different to hang a sign on a water fountain that says “whites only” … than it is to hang an invisible sign on your “special snowflake” partner that says “John only” or “Julie only – all others excluded”? It’s not different. It’s exactly the same. It’s bigotry.

And people try to make the same different for one reason only: making baloney and excuses and pretending the Emperor has clothes seems easier than actually facing our fears and hate honestly and doing the disciplined inner work that is required to remove that fear and hate … so that we can finally love the way God loves us … loving and including all of our brothers and sisters equally IN EVERYTHING.

We Need to Stop Making Excuses And Face Our Fear Together

The arguments made to justify monogamy are EXACTLY THE SAME ARGUMENTS used throughout history to justify segregation, apartheid, hate, harassment, lynching, murder, and even genocide. Yes, it’s time to get present with that super-charged emotional reaction and be honest for once. The arguments for why you can’t possibly SHARE your “special snowflake” partner are EXACTLY THE SAME ARGUMENTS.

When I was a student at Harvard Law School, I was fascinated by studying the Civil Rights movement in the United States. What I was most fascinated by was their courage. They KNEW racial segregation was wrong. The truth is, EVERYONE knew it was wrong. The Emperor had no clothes and secretly EVERYONE knew. But what is absolutely fascinating about that era of history is that almost nobody was willing to admit it. I was inspired and intrigued by the courage it required for this group of rather humble people to stand up to an entire society and hold their ground until the laws and the customs finally gave way to truth. In my own small way, I’ve been emulating them ever since. We think we understand courage in this day and age. We don’t have a clue. Yes, by writing this article, I may attract a few more internet trolls or haters who leave nasty comments here.

This kind of hate and stigma like nasty comments and blacklisting that I have experienced have at times felt painful … yet is nothing really compared to what people like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks went through in service of helping the world let go of one of the ugliest forms of hate we have ever seen: racial segregation. Those who participated in the American Civil Rights Movement and helped bring some modicum of racial justice to this country risked their lives and were subjected to all kinds of punishment, humiliation, and threats for one reason and one reason only: They stood up to fear and hate. They stood up to disgraceful social conventions and laws that most people accepted as “just the way it is,” and they said out loud, “The Emperor has no clothes.”

Like me, Rosa Parks was tiny AND she was speaking the truth. She was hated. Does it make any sense? No. Fear and hate lead us to do things that make no logical sense, and then defend ourselves with “rationales” that could not hold even one drop of water.

So Before You Go Having A Knee-Jerk Emotional Reaction to This Article, Remember That Is Exactly What the Defenders of Racial Segregation Did

monogamy racism segregation

Sometimes if we have been living with a practice our whole life, it seems “normal” even though it’s not. I would count eating meat and fish as one of these practices, but we will save that topic for another day (you can read the beginning of my views on vegetarianism here).

Bear with me for a moment while I say it out loud: In the same way that the participants in the Civil Rights movement KNEW that racial segregation was wrong, that is what I KNOW about monogamy. The truth is that ALL of us – every single one of us – know in our hearts that monogamy is a form of fear and hatred that separates us from others. I have been searching for the right words to express what I have known in my heart for a LONG time now. Forgive me in advance if I don’t always find the right words. The truth in my heart could not be more clear.

So now let’s delve into some of the reasons why monogamy and racial segregation are exactly the same thing:

Monogamy and Racial Segregation Are Both Forms of Separation. Separation is the Cause of Every Problem on This Planet.

Some people may think I’m overstating it to say that monogamy and racism are the same thing. I’m not. They both arise out of the belief that we are ever “safer” or “happier” or “better off” when we separate from others. When the truth is that only by facing all our fears and joining and sharing with others will we ever be truly safe.

All of us, every single one of us, need to be done with the baloney of moral relativism. I have had some commentators on the last post say that we need to accept all views equally. No, we do not. We need to accept all PEOPLE equally. Which means we CANNOT ACCEPT the inherently discriminatory view of monogamy, just as we cannot accept the view of violence, genocide, or racial segregation. Unless anyone thinks we should “accept equally” the views of Hitler and Pol Pot, please be honest that we are not going to accept all views. The reason we are not going to accept all views is that some views, including all separation beliefs, create a world that feels shitty to live in for EVERYONE. We are so numb and conditioned and brainwashed in this culture that we have actually bought into the idea that “absolutism” is “bad” – when in fact honest absolutism is the ONLY thing that will heal this planet.

I do not say it lightly that I see the belief system behind monogamy (the refusal to share, for example) as the core birthplace of all of this world’s problems and suffering. I KNOW – as all of you also know – that we CANNOT keep monogamy and get the world’s problems solved. Because monogamy is based on the idea that “this is mine and you can’t have it. You are excluded.” That is the same idea behind racial segregation and every other form of separation. And separation is what causes disease, death, suffering, hate, and so forth. So there is nothing “relative” about what I’m saying in these articles. It’s a simple matter of honesty. It’s a matter of us having deep enough conversations about this that people realize it’s not that we want to take monogamy away from them. It’s that they do NOT want monogamy. It will never get them what they want in this world.

Special “Love” Kills

As soon as we make love “special,” it becomes possible to justify giving so-called “love” to one person and not another. It becomes possible to give “love” to one race and not another. It becomes possible to give “love” to one species and not another. And the result of that is murder and war. Specialness is how every atrocity on this planet has been justified since the beginning of time. We must all commit to abolishing specialness and loving everyone equally by the fastest means possible.

All of the Reasons Given to Justify Monogamy and Racial Segregation Are Fear-Based

Oh, people will give you a hundred reasons “why” they need to practice monogamy and exclude all others from their relationship. Every single justification given is a fear or limiting belief.

I won’t rehash the “I can’t because of my responsibilities” and “I don’t have enough time” baloney that 10 Biggest Lies We Tell Ourselves. We heard lots of the fear- and hate-based rationales on the last article. These arguments are dressed up the same way racial segregation was: “Separate but equal.”

Well, the Supreme Court ultimately agreed with what everyone knew all along – separate is NOT equal. Separate but equal is BALONEY. And that is also true for monogamy. Equal love will never exist in a world where people create “separate” households and pursue “private interests” apart from all of our brothers and sisters.

Take a moment to read carefully the dozens of comments we received in defense of monogamy on that last article. At first it gets dressed up as, “I just want to have this beautiful special intimacy with my special snowflake partner.” But it doesn’t take much poking around before the real reasons come out.

– “I have to be very ‘selective’ about people.”

– “Other people have lower energies.”

– “It’s like rolling around in the dirt like a pig.”

– “You’ll get lots of horrible diseases.”

Anyone who pretends that any of that is anything other than hate and fear – and that it’s ANY different from the arguments made to justify racial segregation – is 10 Biggest Lies We Tell Ourselves. The Emperor has no clothes.

Why did the white people not want to sit with the black people? Why did the Nazis exclude the Jews? All these questions require is simple honesty. We all know the answer.

Why did South Africa practice apartheid? And why do people exclude others from their “oh-so-special” relationships? All for the same reason.

Hate and fear. Hate and fear. Hate and fear. The Emperor has no clothes.

Oh and don’t even TRY to pull the wool over my eyes with so-called “science” … Are you aware that “science” has been used throughout history to justify appalling practices like racism and sexism?

“To justify segregation, officials publicized complaints by white women, who were thought to be threatened by black men’s sexuality and disease.” http://www.pbs.org/wnet/jimcrow/stories_events_segregation.html

monogamy segregationIt’s high time we stopped bowing down to science as if it were a god and started finding the power within ourselves. How about instead we have the courage to stop hiding behind science and be willing to talk about VALUES? What kind of world do we really want to live in and what kind of world do we want to create? It takes COURAGE to stand for your values instead of hiding behind some baloney external “authority” like science or religion. I for one would like to see a world of absolute non-violence, freedom, inclusion, and equal love for everyone. And that means a LOT of our current practices will have to change. Who’s with me?

Monogamy and Racial Segregation Both Violate the Principle of Sharing

The message of monogamy to anyone other than the “special snowflake” partner is “This person is MINE AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM. YOU are EXCLUDED.” Just as water fountains in the days of segregation said “No colored people allowed.” If you can persuade me that’s not separation, I will be very surprised. Can you imagine parents teaching this to their children? “Johnny, I want you to go to the sandbox and hoard your toys and shout to the other children ‘these toys are MINE and YOU CAN’T PLAY WITH THEM.” Sounds ridiculous if a five-year old child does it – yet we condone it in adults … why?


monogamy segregationNow here’s another thing about monogamy and another way that it is based on fear. Once we’ve decided to separate from the whole world and create our own “private kingdom” that nobody else is allowed to enter, guess what? Now we have to defend it. We could have just invited everyone to the party but instead we barred the door. Now we have to be fearful. Someone might steal “my” partner. Someone might harm “my” children. “My” interests are separate from “your” interests and I have to be very wary all the time lest my private kingdom be “invaded” by the “other.” Specialness has a very high cost folks. And what happens when we unbar the door, systematically let go of all our fear, and let everyone in? Freedom, that’s what happens. Freedom happens.

Isn’t anyone else sick and tired of the melodrama that always goes with “special relationships”? The cheating, the divorces, the abuse of children, the endless hatred I hear about from my customers and clients that occurred in their supposedly “loving” nuclear families. The nuclear family is so messed up it’s hard to believe that ANYONE still defends it.

We Need to Start Thinking About “Our” Instead of “Mine”

Let me share here one of the shifts that has happened for me as I let go of “special relationship” consciousness (monogamy). It used to be if I went out somewhere, I was concerned only about MY stuff, you know my purse, my friend, my my my. I don’t pretend to have shifted completely, yet I have noticed when I go out now, and I see someone else’s purse unattended, I use my energy to safeguard that purse (or someone’s child or pet) the same way I would if it were my own. From my perspective, the perfect safety of all our children is in everyone no longer seeing anything as “mine.” If the whole Universe belongs to me, then I want all of it to be safe. And that is what I’m trying to say on this thread. As long as we view any relationship as “special,” we are not living in the consciousness where our safety is guaranteed.

When I want to feel safe though, I see the whole planet as protecting me. Angels everywhere. And when I really, really feel safe, I could never wish to tie myself down to any one person, place or thing. Because all of it belongs to me. So when I am tempted to tie myself down to any one person, place, or thing … I know I am experiencing fear that I need to address.

So Where Do We Go from Here?

In the last article, our commentator ART raised some awesome questions, which I’ll re-post here –

– What SPECIFICALLY should we do if somebody wants to have sex with us but we don’t find them attractive?

– What CONCRETELY do you recommend if we live in a polyamory relationship with 2 other people and we find that we feel more love for the one partner than to the other?

– How do you INDIVIDUALLY react if you get some proposal for marriage, but you don’t specifically like the man in question?
What if you are offered a threesome? (Which I understand happened on your Costa Rica trip.)

– Do you accept? If not, why not? If not, why not although you claim that monogamy means exclusion and hate?

THESE are the questions we need to be asking ourselves. And instead of taking the easy way out and putting a “Whites Only” sign on our relationship, we all need to make a commitment to clearing out our fear systematically.

In no way am I suggesting that you should go out and have sex with 12 crack addicts this evening. But don’t let that become a cop out where we retreat once again into our little island of monogamous fear. The 12 crack addicts are a mirror for all of us. We cannot escape from them by separating. We must all heal the fear and ugliness inside ourselves so that the world we perceive “out there” will be healed along with us.

And then guess what will happen? When we face our fear and hatred with courage and without avoidance, the world we see will be transformed. And there will eventually be NOBODY we do not love with equal love and gratitude.

Monogamy is cowardice. It is just like racial segregation. A way of staying “comfortable” in our assumptions, our judgments, our hatred, and our fear. And none of us can continue to accept it if we wish to see a healed planet.


Erika Awakening, Teaching People How to Create Everyday Miracles at TAPsmarter

Erika Awakening is one of the world’s foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and living life on your own terms.