The Lover

Dominical-LegsUpI’m not sure whether this post will resonate with anyone, and that’s okay. I’m not writing it for you. I’m writing this for me.

Over the past few days, I’ve been sitting with what to do with sex. I’m not sure physical sex fits into my life anymore. In many ways, I seem to have come all the way full circle to the very first blog post I wrote nearly five years ago about Why I Practice Celibacy.

And I thought about how radically my life has changed in five years. I used to have a full-time job and also be blogging several times per week, building a business in the evenings and weekends, and running around the country on my “vacations” giving speeches. In essence, I had two full-time jobs.

Life is so different now. Life is so quiet now.

I have learned how to be peaceful. I quit my job, paid off all my debt, downsized my possessions, and I keep two very clean and quiet home bases.

Tonight I considered attending a conference here in San Francisco on Monday. It’s only a few blocks from my home, I could walk. The money for the ticket would show up, whatever I buy always gets reimbursed by the Universe.

Yet I found myself unwilling to go. What are they going to teach me there, that I don’t already have? I feel no motivation to go. They might tell me I could make more money, or have more blog traffic, or be more famous … and I would not be able to get enthusiastic about that at all. I’m off the hamster wheel.

I see other people still rushing around the world, attending festivals, practicing BDSM, frantically making more and more money … and I feel the way that I imagine John Lennon began to feel when he wrote the song about “I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round” …

Where do people find the motivation to flog each other in bed? That sounds exhausting to me.

(And don’t get me wrong, I used to be into it. That feels like five lifetimes ago.)

Where do people find the motivation to make more and more money when they already have enough? That sounds exhausting to me.

I’ve completely lost track of time and days. Today I went to bed at about 9 am and woke up at 3 pm. I keep a very light work schedule with a few wonderful private clients and a lot of open space to record EFT tapping videos. And the more videos I record, the less I care about … just about anything.

So I was thinking about what kind of sex would even fit into this lifestyle. I do cook for myself, organic vegan cuisine, so that is physical but even that is very minimalistic. I do booty workouts here at home, and I’m happy to say said workouts are turning out to be effective with minimal time and effort invested.

I rarely leave home. Why would I? There’s nothing “out there” that I don’t already have “in here.”

So other people’s frantic lifestyles feel very strange to me now, even though just a few short years ago, I was living it.

Having children? Forget it. Unless a child is going to be as still and peaceful as I am, that simply is not going to work. There’s no way I’m giving up my peaceful nights of sleep and my effortless minimalistic lifestyle.

So what kind of sex would fit this lifestyle?

Well, nothing that requires any effort. You want me to give fancy blow jobs and drive to your house? It’s never going to happen. It’s not that I’m trying to be one-sided or unfair about it either, it just simply would not happen. I can barely motivate myself to drive to Tahoe a few times a year … and what gets me up there is knowing I’ll be able to stay for weeks or months at a time.

My life is all about being now. It’s not about doing anymore. There’s nothing out there to get. When I let go my need for external validation, it became abundantly clear how much EVERYTHING I was doing in my life was trying to fill some role or void or social programming. And none of it made sense anymore. So I stopped pretty much all of it. It’s a big week for me if I make it to the bank to deposit a check and the farmer’s market to pick up some organic pumpkin seeds :)

So where would physical sex fit into that?

Well, it wouldn’t be about orgasm or toys or athleticism. The only kind of sex that could possibly fit my lifestyle now would involve being. This anonymous Lover who is faceless to me right now would always come to my home, would never expect a blow job or any other kind of rote “reciprocation,” would not expect me to look after his kids or his house or anything else. I clean up after myself and am very, very clean, so that’s not it. Doing just simply does not fit me anymore.

I need to be. Just be. Effortless and peaceful, as often as possible.

There would be no BDSM, no floggers, no elaborate positioning, no fetish costumes, no “performing” in bed, no porn star oohing and aahing, no elaborate courtship rituals, none of that … it’s too much trouble. It’s too much work. We’d probably just lie here, holding each other and breathing. :)

Sound boring? Not to me. How to Attract Money with EFT Tapping is the best gift I’ve ever given myself. And somehow, month after month, God provides. Money seems to show up almost out of nowhere. From everything I can tell, this being is exactly what God wants me to be doing, because He is supporting it in every way.

Or maybe sex isn’t part of the picture at all … I don’t really know.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. I have been ‘feeling’ into where you are at. I love that you have found peace in your contemplation of sex… after the events of the last few months.

    You said: “I don’t know anyone on the planet who would share sex the same way they would a kind word, or a hug, or a handshake.”

    I think this is a problem for many, yet it is precisely the philosophy we believe in. And I agree with Jack and Orn that holding someone and just breathing with her/him is not boring at all. That is precisely the beauty of loving sexual energy… it is what it needs to be, and no more or less… a place of total safety that one can breathe and relax in.

    We have nothing to sell, no soapbox to climb on. Only a simple belief that sexual energy is not what our patriarchal society portrays, but a deep, abiding, beautiful energy that is intrinsic in every living thing we see… and indeed, in the very fabric of the universe.

    Thank you for sharing so openly.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Thanks Manning … :)

    • I too see sex the same way. I too like the idea of just hugging and breathing. Just holding on to somebody and breathing. It’s not boring at all. In fact, I’d rather just do that and just BE than have actual intercourse.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Yea one of the things I like about just being is it’s not “special” … we can just be with anyone. I don’t see anyone practicing that kind of universal love with sex. Too many agendas enter into it …

  2. Ryan Orrock says:

    You don't go to conferences to learn something. I go to them to meet people and often end up with deep, meaningful connections. Doesn't that happen for you?

    • Erika Awakening says:

      It used to … when I still was living in the world of “story” to some degree … I’m hoping it’s just transitional, and yet I find myself at a stage where connecting with people is … for lack of a better phrase … not working. My very existence seems to be a threat to ego at such a deep level that I’ve practically become a pariah. I don’t know what else to say about it for now … except that I’ll keep tapping through it …

      • My very existence seems to be a threat to ego at such a deep level that I’ve practically become a pariah.

        … I resonate with that, and have felt that deeply… – just today received a comment from someone around me offering support to friends of a friend’s passing- that I was looking for attention- and that I was not qualified to offer my “gift” … I’m glad to know though – that that was the exception, – there were a number of others that reached out…

        To me the pause of “just being” is like the zero point of the inhale/exhale… From stillness/beingness inspired action can arise, unbidden, and spontaneously.

        “We’d probably just lie here, holding each other and breathing. :)” probably so. ;)

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Yea I’m not even gonna try to figure it out anymore … just gonna let whatever wants to happen happen :)

        Thanks for stopping by the blog again :)

  3. jeannie frou says:

    I am so humbled by your honesty and clarity. Your vulnerability and strength. You have helped me to dive deeper that’s for sure. Sending you much love sweet sister. BJ not included.

  4. Mina Piñeiro Letra says:

    Patricia, your comments are on target. It is interesting how many times this person has used the pronoun "I."

  5. Patricia Likakis says:

    Oh my, Erika. It is very interesting that I "happened" across your blog today. So ok you have it all. So do I. But I wonder if something is missing. No intent here to offend. You say you have peace, but do you have joy? Do you have love ? Without love we are like clanging symbols as it says, true? Perhaps a change in perspective from getting to giving and truly loving another selflessly and unconditionally might change things. Just my humble opinion because I think we are at the same place, sort of. There is always more to know about God. Wishing you joy and love!

    • Erika Awakening says:

      If only anything anyone talked about in this world were really love … and that is where we are … with an open question mark about what love means … It surely does not mean the special relationship nor any of the ways one ego relates to another, which pretty much wipes out our entire “civilization’s” definition of love …

  6. Orn Snorrason says:

    Holding someone and just breathing with her/him is not boring at all.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing – I agree :)

    • Not only is it not the least bit boring, it can be the height of intimacy.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Yea what I wrote on FB though: “In my experience also, still doesn’t remove specialness from it though. I don’t know anyone on the planet who would share sex the same way they would a kind word, or a hug, or a handshake. And it’s still got body identification which is the recipe for pain. So I don’t really see how it will fit into my value system at this point.”

  7. David James says:

    Also from the David Mosher perspective, it looks like your sexual script of choice is Partner Engagement or Trance State, as opposed to Role Enactment (skills, role playing, etc)

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hmm interesting … I don’t see it as a “script” at all … It’s more like what is left after all the baloney is stripped away … :)

  8. David James says:

    Sounds like you are becoming an ascetic.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Interesting … perhaps … it’s not a form of “deprivation” though … It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. It feels restful and like where I want to be right now. Doing all that “stuff” just feels like hard work for no substantial reward. Thanks for commenting :)

      • David James says:

        From the link:

        “They practised asceticism not as a rejection of the enjoyment of life, or because the practices themselves are virtuous, but as an aid in the pursuit of physical and metaphysical health.”

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Yea that resonates :)

  9. It seems to me that there’s no need to ever make a life-time decision about sex/no sex, what if you just make a choice of what works for you right now? What if you could simply ‘be’… open to whatever choices that show up over time?

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Jack, yea I do feel open … I am in a continual process of sorting out my values though … I won’t ever go back to eating meat and fish, it just doesn’t fit with the world I want to create. Thanks for stopping by :)

      • Thanks for replying, I feel the same; my eating habits haven’t included meat and fish for decades and that won’t change. Still, in my experiences of our conceptual reality, when I’ve made a decision with that degree of certainty, sometimes it’s come back to me later as an unexpected lesson or as another layer of even deeper knowing.

        For me, keeping those doors of possibility even the slightest bit ajar helps me to better understand opposing arguments because I end up informing myself with a broader variety of content to draw my conclusions from. I want to be persuasive on anyone’s field of play, not just my own.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Thanks Jack, nicely put :)

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