Why Erika Needs to Be Coaching Guys ;-)

First off, yay, the Woo Woo blog made it into another article, this time by Bobby Rio, you can see it here.

Second off, also found on Bobby Rio’s website, go Jennifer Aniston (click here). What an inspiration she is.

And now, settling into our regularly scheduled programming. I just got back from a super fun ski weekend with one of my smoking hot Eastern European girlfriends. We’ll call her Czech Girl. A couple of years ago, she was one of the bachelorettes on that show Joe Millionaire, so that gives you an idea of how hot she is. And, yes, she does have a very sexy accent, which leads us into our story for today.

When Czech Girl and I go out, we get approached A LOT. This weekend was no exception. We had two nights of apres-ski, and both nights we had dinner and drinks at a very sociable restaurant in Squaw Village called Twenty-Two. Both nights we were sitting at the bar.

The first night, we were very innocently minding our own business when the guy on the other side of her started talking to us. (We’ll call him 22 Guy.) Neither one of us are the type to blow guys out unless they are really rude, so we were giving him a chance. Unfortunately … and you regular blog readers know How EFT can take your game to the next level PUA, the conversation started going something like this:

Him: Where are you from?

[Oh God, I can’t take it! Czech Girl and I have been approached so many times, and her accent is of course immediately noticeable, but seriously, do you want to be the 999,999th guy to ask this question?!? Puh-leeeze.]

Me (interrupting before she answers because I can’t take it): How about if you guess where she is from? That’ll at least make it interesting for us.

Him: Ummm… well if I had to guess, I’d say Brazil.

Czech Girl: Brazil?! [looking at me and continuing:] Can you believe he thinks I’m from Brazil?! Do I look Brazilian?!

I have been to Brazil, and admittedly it’s a diverse population down there, but she really does not look Brazilian :-)

[OK, so he is way off base, but at least she is engaged now. Better to get a negative reaction than a comatose one.]

So finally after a few more guesses, he guessed she was from the Czech Republic, but then he reverted right back to asking “interview” questions again.

Him: Where in the Czech Republic?

Him: How long have you lived here?

Him: What do you do for work?

Czech Girl: [She tries to make polite conversation, but after a few more questions like this, her body is turned almost 180 degrees away from him, the “energy” of the conversation has dropped into the floor, and she turns to me and says:] Let’s go over to the other bar, Erika.

At this point, I can’t hold myself back any longer. When I tune into this guy’s energy, he’s so in his head that I can literally feel gears whirring up there. All the energy has been sucked out of us within about five minutes, and I just can’t let a guy continue on like this, so …

Me (to him): Ok, stop. Hold everything. 22 Guy, I want you to look at Czech Girl’s body language right now. What is her body language telling you?

Him: *deer in the headlights look*

Me: Does she look like she is connecting at any level with what you are talking about? Noooooo… look at her. The energy of this conversation has dropped to lifeless, and she wants to get the hell out of here.

Him: Yeah, I’ve been living overseas and just got back here again, and I’m having trouble with the transition.

Me: Ok, look, 22 Guy, we have a lot of work to do here. First things first, you have got to stop asking questions and start making statements. Can you feel how every time you ask us one of these questions, there is an awkward pause? Do you feel how the energy level of the conversation drops?

A look of vaguely dawning recognition passed over his face.

Me: Do you have any idea how often we get hit on and that guys ask these same boring questions in every single conversation? Do you know how tired we are of answering them? Do you understand how tired I am of hearing Czech Girl answer that she is from Prague, and blah blah blah every single time?

Him: So what am I supposed to do? I’m trying to get to know you guys.

Me: Well, we need to get you doing everything differently. And the first thing you must do is stop asking these inane questions and start making statements. Start guessing, playfully guessing the answers instead of asking.

Anyway, from here I gave him a coaching session. (I give credit to Mark Manson How Not to Attract Women for providing an easily teachable way to avoid “interviewing” a girl into an early death from boredom. He talks about it in his e-book. Instead of asking, a guy guesses and does a series of cold reads. “You seem like you’re Brazilian, you’ve got that mischievous look that I’ve seen with Brazilian girls,” etc.)

I also gave 22 Guy instruction in Kino and Using Sexual Imagery – Attraction Seduction Tips. But I emphasized that he shouldn’t even TRY those things until he can get basic rapport with a girl using statements instead of questions. I explained how the girl needs to be imagining having sex with him in her mind long before he ever actually tries to have sex with her. We also talked about inner game issues because a lot of his statements about his ex-girlfriends revealed a victim mindset, and a guy needs to reorient himself to positive beliefs about women if he’s ever going to have fulfilling relationships with them.

Anyway, Czech Girl and I moved on to another bar. To 22 Guy’s credit, he actually sought us out later, and joined our group so he could get more coaching. And the whole interaction was a huge gift to me, too, because it made me realize how much this coaching thing is my passion and calling in life, and that I really need to be doing it professionally. When I see a guy “get it,” even if he’s only getting some little piece of the overall puzzle, it lights me up inside. Every single guy on this planet is capable of “getting it,” and I want to see men and women having much more exciting and fulfilling relationships, so seeing a guy get it at any level makes me very very happy. :-)

This was also really fun because Czech Girl finally got to see why I am so fired up about this seduction stuff. Indeed, the very next night, at the very same bar, we got approached by another guy (we’ll call him Second 22 Guy). He opened us with a low-pressure situational opener (“is that dinner for you guys or just a snack?”) and then proceeded to engage us in a lively conversation that quickly deepened. He unapologetically told us he was divorced with kids, and that led to a conversation about what went wrong with his marriage. He didn’t blame his wife at all though and showed how much he had learned from the relationship, so that was a turn on. We ended up inviting him to a party that was happening later at our house. I went to bed early, but Czech Girl told me this in the morning:

Czech Girl: Erika, you were so right about this. Second 22 Guy did all the things you were telling 22 Guy to do. Second 22 Guy was using statements instead of questions. He started touching me at the party, and touched me more and more as the night went on, and I was feeling more and more comfortable. And I really did start imagining what it would be like to do more with him. It was such a contrast to the night before. It felt completely different. And now I see what you mean about teaching this stuff to guys.

Need I say more? :-)

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. fantastic! awesome entry. You know, that’s one thing all of my girls tell me they dislike, boring, interviewing guys. The type that dull you out of your mind asking questions that make you want to consider moving to another country, where at least someone else with an accent can ask you the same questions. I think you should really go for coaching if you really enjoy it, you only live once :’)

  2. Paul,

    That sounds great. Let’s connect and do this :-)

  3. @ Anonymous #2, you’re welcome. And … I really need to get around to revealing Connection Guy’s identity so you all can get his book, which like I said before, is one of the most concise explanations I’ve seen of all this stuff.

    @ Bobby Rio, thanks for commenting. I agree completely, girls will all too often go along being polite even if they are feeling zero attraction. And … You just made me realize something really fascinating, which is that I break rapport with guys all the time. I don’t do it with the intention of creating attraction, usually I do it because I’m feeling bored or rebellious. But the side effect is usually that it creates a lot of attraction (sometimes when I’d rather it didn’t ;-). Interesting.

  4. hey Erika,

    i'm working with clients to do shadow work with intention to significantly clear out past programs, experiences, limit beliefs. i want to get to the point where they are so unconditionally accepting&loving of themselves and others i.e. christ-consciouness. once that work is done, my interest is to put 'em on an accelerated learning program to modeling top pu skills. when u get to christ-consciousness learning everything becomes super easy. most children have christ-consciousness… then parents and them education sys start to mess 'em up.

    since you also come from a deep spiritual consciousness, i'd be interested in possibly sending clients to have you rapidly install pu skills. once i feel these folk have gotten rid of their junk, we may have an opportunity to work together. my spiritual acceleration skills are way deeper than pu skills since i unplugged from the community quite awhile back. so Erika, be ready to take on jedi knights! namaste, paul

  5. Hi TheRajNYC,

    Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting. Hope to see you here on a regular basis :-)

    @ Halffull and Entropy,

    Yeah, I’ve said before that vibe and intention trump words. You two are both operating at such a high level of compassion and empathy that you can probably say almost anything and maintain the connection with the girl.

    But for most guys who are not yet advanced at this, think of it from the girl’s perspective. She’s having a lively conversation with her friend, and the guy comes in and starts asking a bunch of questions that she has answered five million times. This is taking value, not adding it. There are an infinite number of conversation topics in the world, why stick with those?

    Most people will answer that they need to know the “basics” about someone at the beginning. But is that true? All too often (and this is an intention that can be felt), people are asking questions about jobs, neighborhoods, background, age, etc. as a way of categorizing the person they are talking to instead of connecting with that person’s present moment aliveness. Categorization is disconnecting. So for example in this case, he was asking her a bunch of questions about her being Czech, and later we find out he is paranoid about girls trying to marry him to get a green card. My friend is the last person in the world to get married for a green card, so it feels disrespectful to her for a guy to hold that assumption.

    By the same token, how does a guy feel when he is being sized up by a girl for how much money he makes, etc.?

    The details of someone’s life will come out organically in a lively conversation. No need to “interview” someone to find out these things.

  6. I’ll drop maybe one interview question per set to get the ball rolling on a topic. I don’t feel like they kill you unless they’re ALL you know how to do.

    Also, tons of girls will interview question me, but once she starts, I let her go. She’s showing genuine interest in me and I’ll never punish a girl for being interested in me, even if that’s the only way she knows how to show it. :)

    I’ll just take the question, spice up my answer big-time and create an interesting thread about it.

  7. I have a confession to make… I use interview openers all the time :).

    Sometimes, like in this case, I can tell the girl immediately writes me off as just another chode… so I make fun of her for writing me off like that.

    Other times, the girl doesn’t judge right off the bat, and we don’t need to go through that step to begin finding out more about each other.

  8. I just found your blog from El Topo’s site and really enjoyed this post. I am subscribing in my RSS reader ~ thanks for adding value to the community.

  9. Hey Erika,

    Your blog post was very helpful for me. Yes, I admit it–I am one of those guys who is prone to interviewing-approach! And you can guess where that has gotten me, even though I am confident and good-looking.

    Anyway, you gave a really simple way past that.

    Many thanks

  10. Getting out of interview mode is one of the hardest things for guys to overcome… what makes it more difficult is that women have been trained for so long in this type conversation that they are just as big culprits…

    I’ve learned to catch myself, if a woman begins to iniate the whole “what do you do?” type of convo.. i will immeidately break rapport… and ask her opinion on some bullshit imaginary question just to shift gears… or as you said.. stop her and make an interesting comment about something I notice on her.

    But yea, my point was… that if you’re going to tell guys to avoid intervciew mode, you need to warn them that many times girls will be just as guilty.. and when that happends they need to break rapport, and lead the conversation as they please.

  11. Hey, are you from Brazil? Because you look Brazilian.

  12. Czech Girl says:

    Yes it is HOT to see a confident guy approach me. Finally! Anyone can learn this and Erika, you should help them all, so that I am not bored anymore.

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