Two Styles of Seduction: Fear-Based and Love-Based

First off, on the theme of “ask and it is given,” I’m very excited that since posting yesterday about I can’t stand that question, bad questions if you’re trying to attract a girl, I’ve had two blog readers offer to refer clients to me for coaching. Hooray! If anyone else out there is so inclined, please email me at

Now … on to our topic of the day.

Since starting this blog back in September, I have received a LOT of emails and commentary from people (blog readers and friends) who are worried that the seduction community is all about “taking advantage” of women, preying on their insecurities, etc. That it’s shallow and deceptive and on and on. Is there a “dark side” of the community? Yes, there is, just like there is a dark side of just about every profession or hobby. It’s called the ego, and it can show up anywhere in our lives. Although this topic could span many blog posts, I want to take up just one piece of the puzzle today: what I see as two styles of seduction.

The first style is fear-based. Fear is always of the ego. An example of fear-based seduction is the “neg.” Here I don’t mean playful teasing. I mean the sharp comment that is designed to lower a woman’s self-esteem so that she will feel less good about herself and see the man as more attractive by comparison. This style of seduction goes way beyond negs though. It encompasses things like trying to keep a woman off balance by making comments intended to get her to question her own judgment, feelings, and so forth. If the woman has hesitations or doubts, the guy takes this personally and calls her “needy” or some other criticism. It would also cover “freeze outs” (where if the woman doesn’t have sex with the guy right away, he withdraws affection from her). The idea behind this style of seduction is that if the woman is always feeling a little insecure, then she will have sex with the guy (or do other things) in order to win back his approval. Blech! I find this style of seduction to be revolting!!

The second style is love-based. Fear is entirely absent. It doesn’t matter if the two people have sex and never talk again or if they end up being life-long soulmates. It is always based on natural attraction and aligned intentions (i.e., if it’s a one-night stand, then both people are happy with that outcome — Entropy called them “same night loves”). If the girl feels hesitation about having sex, the guy doesn’t invalidate that with a freeze-out. He stays with her energy until she gets past her hesitation. Maybe he even gives her MORE affection. And maybe he cares less whether they actually have sex because they are both just enjoying being together. It is not outcome driven. There tends to be a lot less drama and no game-playing, and both people can simply immerse in the divine pleasure of intimacy and connection. Ideally, the two people are supporting each other, appreciating each other, adoring each other. Afterwards, they both feel uplifted.

Sinn, you asked on your blog “how do you leave her better than you found her?” My answer is that you always employ a love-based model and make sure that the intentions of the two people are matched.

I count some of my “almost sex” experiences with guys as highlights of my life, and many of them have led to incredible friendships. Why? Because we were both honest about our intentions (including, from my side, that I’m not interested in having sex with a guy unless we are moving toward a deeper, more committed — though not necessarily monogamous — relationship). When I stay within my own integrity that way, I don’t end up feeling resentment or second thoughts about the experience. I keep all my good feelings about myself and the guy. So this is a matter of honest, open communication about intentions. There are plenty of women out there who are fine with having same night loves and so forth, and if they are acting in their integrity, more power to them. At least for now, that is not what feels good to me, and I *always* pay attention to how I feel.

Of course, the Higher Powers are so clever that they will turn even the “negative” experiences into gifts for us, if we let them, but why learn through pain? For me, a successful seduction is one where both people continue to have good feelings about each other, indefinitely, regardless of the form the relationship takes after sex.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Sorry Erica, but we aren’t looking for incredible friendships. Although i do agree that the love part is better, a good pua needs to have both. Everyone doesn’t connect with everyone, and that’s where the lines and negs and freeze outs come in. The girls that guys do connect with of course will go along the lines of love, but the others will go along with what you call “fear”. This isn’t “fear” at all. You remind me of the teacher from Donny Darko, which is where i think you came up with this. She says that every thing in life can be described by either love, or fear, to which Donny Darko tells her she can shove the exercise up her ass. What this really is, is what we call “game”. Being confident works wonders, and I mainly am on the part of “love”, but when there’s nothing in common and I just want to have sex with a girl, that is where the game, or “fear” as you call it comes in. Now if you have good game, then both people will benefit from being together even if they do use what you call, “fear”. It will not be a bad negative experience. The only reason is would be is if the guy doesn’t treat the girl right, such as kicking her out after having sex. I might use game and freeze-outs and “fear” sometimes, but in the end both the girl and I leave feeling happy about what happened. I guess if you want to use “fear”, then just be very affectionate about it.


  2. EroticRockstar says:

    I love this post. There is a saying, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.”

    How do you approach other areas of your life? Do you act/react from Fear? Or do you act and make choices based on Love?

    If you aren’t quite sure, a great place to start is by noticing your primary self-talk.

    Would you say that your inner voice is largely self-critical, speaking to your lesser qualities, the things you like least about yourself?

    Or is your inner voice largely positive, self-affirming, speaking to your greater qualities, the you that you strive towards being?

    The first is a fear-based approach, the latter a love based approach.

    The love based approach to life starts with a love for one’s self. This is NOT the same thing as being an egotistical self-centered dick. In fact, that tends to actually stem from a fear based approach to self at its deepest core.

    When you have a true love for self that is integrated with a love for others, it is FELT by most people. Women and men alike. They respond to it. They are ATTRACTED to it.

    If you are looking to increase your success with women, this is THE place to start.

    till next time…

  3. Anonymous #1, thank you :-)

    Anonymous #2, yes I agree with Paul. Thanks for chiming in. And Paul thanks for sharing your new blog, I will check it out…

  4. hi Anonymous,
    Thank you for opening your heart, sharing your divinity and growth. I feel you have much clarity in life and can feel your love and the beauty of your consciousness.

    What you wrote… it gives me great hope that more and more people are waking from their sleep…. and that brings me immense joy:)

    I’m glad that folk like you are sharing and that is going to make a huge differences and may inspire who knows… hundreds and thousands people reading this blog. You are a shining example of reaching deep and finding happiness and inspiration from within.

    Btw, I’m finally decided to blog
    and it is wearing my heart on my sleeves and my passion that we transform the consciousness of this planet… (it may not be as elegant as your writing or Erika’s but I’ll do my best :p)
    Namaste, Paul

  5. About YOU as a coach for men (and may I also add, for women, and this I say not because you are part of the SC but because you are speaking to people authentically about your own experiences)… you have a lot to contribute, Erika.

    Reading about the SC is healing to me in a weird way… because the illusions of finding your perfect partner aren’t being sold here, I can trust certain things about it… and that’s a start!

    I’m also completely grateful that it has exposed some of the player techniques I experienced in past “relationships”… I feel more at choice now when a guy sends his energy into me before speaking to me… rather than thinking I’m hearing a Divinely guided message about some guy when he stands in front of me after having scoped me out, read my body language and calculated his approach, I can tune into the fact that the guy is projecting his energy forward and I can accept or pass on his thought projection… and BTW, stay on purpose with my life or vere off it if it what he’s selling is what I am buying…

    I realize I am also feeling more inspired to dig deeper inside myself and reveal deeper truths about myself as a woman now that I know there are men out there who are learning how to bring out the very best in a woman (and I do think that the PUA community has the involvement of some men who will serve to represent the path to show the way to how to bring out the best in a woman. I think some part of me gave up… the parts that would be most alive, most attractive and most passionate… because I wasn’t aware that there are men out there who could and would want to be present with all the depth a woman has within her or, if you prefer, handle the full package… (not to sound egotistical, it’s probably a common thing women do… is hide because if they were as full out and as big of an energy as they are, finding men who wanted to meet all of that in a woman would be a challenge)

    One other thing I like is the retraining of the thinking that turns people into possessions… relationship on a long term level must and only will arise naturally… what doesn’t arise naturally is a set up for some difficult life lessons…

    It sounds like in the SC… that there is a higher likelihood both men and women are on to themselves, figuring out that they have been hiding out… keeping a lot tucked away… a lot of vitality and uniqueness… and worthiness… and passion… living mundane lives…

    Everyone’s innocence matters… and everyone’s journey to free themselves of layers of their innocence is such a profound rite of passage… if the SC is providing a means to support a more provocative and loving, more beautiful way to blend innocence with carnal knowledge… I’m certainly willing to dip my toe in…

  6. You, sir, are no Dan.

    -The real Dan

  7. Erika,

    I’ve thought the same thing for a while. I’d suggest you look at Steve Pavlina’s blog at Do a search on lightworkers and darkworkers. He has applied a lot of the same stuff to business and life.

    I love your blog.


  8. joerockandroll says:

    It’s funny, I don’t study pickup anymore. I thought it was stupid until this girl told me about her crazy friend johnny soporno, and talked me into watching those movies. I have a lot in common with the guy and really I feel like I’m at a certain level now where only more experience of life can add to what I’ve got, you know?

    Your blog is the only thing pickup related I have looked at in months, just because you added me on fb and I thought it was too rare a thing not to check out a girl’s blog on pickup. I’m glad you did because your post from yesterday gave me a really awesome idea… I can work WITH women… women can teach me things about myself I can’t see or understand, or would go mad trying to think about on my own.

    A guy working with me has to translate everything he learns about me, wheras a woman possesses the neurology and emotions herself.

    Other than a session with you, I realize I can take it to the next level by working WITH women instead of ON them, so I can understand how they experience me, and what I really am. Great stuff

  9. You are very wise…and you will be a great coach.

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