The Difference Between “Falling” In Love and Loving

So I’ve been spending time with this guy who says his biggest “problem” is that women fall in love with him. He goes on one or two dates with them, and suddenly they decide that he is “the One,” whatever that means to them. They project all their fantasies onto him about marriage, kids, and whatnot.

This guy has great energy. It feels amazing being around him. So I’m not surprised this happens to him.

I told him though that he doesn’t need to worry about that with me. Why? Because I don’t believe in “falling” in love. Now before anyone goes and says I’m un-romantic, let me explain what I mean. The concept of “falling” in love is about as unromantic as it gets, if we really take a look at it.

I’m going to take a wild guess about what is happening for these women, based on what used to happen to me several years ago. A girl gets around a guy who has a relatively clear energy field, and she feels his energy. She feels GOOD around him! But because she has no inner “space” between feelings and reactions, she immediately assumes that her good feelings mean that she and the guy have this great “connection” and that he is the one to take care of her and be the One. She usually doesn’t bother to check in to see whether the feeling is mutual.

In short, she immediately gives all her power away. She may become dependent on his energy field to feel good. And this of course is the beginning of the end. This is how “love” turns into “hate.”

ACIM teaches:

Love is not an illusion. It is a fact. Where disillusionment is possible, there was not love but hate. For hate is an illusion, and what can change was never love. It is sure that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living, and use them for any purpose which they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than die of it. This is the choice they see. And love, to them, is only an escape from death. They seek it desperately, but not in the peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them. And when they find the fear of death is still upon them, the love relationship loses the illusion that it is what it is not. When the barricades against it are broken, fear rushes in and hatred triumphs.”

“Falling” in love is NOT love. It is desperation.

Love is constant. It is calm and quiet. This is why I love everyone, and why my love for them does not change no matter what they do. Under this view of love, the concept of “falling” in love loses all meaning. I love at the beginning, I love in the middle, I continue to love even if we are not communicating at the moment. I have total faith that all rifts will be healed. There is nothing to “fall” into when love is always there and never changes.

Once the concept of falling in love has lost its meaning, a new type of relationship becomes possible:

“A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself. He sees no difference between these selves, for differences are only of the body. Therefore, he looks on nothing he would take. He denies not his own reality because it is the truth. Just under Heaven does he stand, but close enough not to return to earth. For this relationship has Heaven’s holiness. How far from home can a relationship so like to Heaven be?

“Think what a holy relationship can teach! Here is belief in differences undone. Here is the faith in differences shifted to sameness. Reason now can lead you and your brother to the logical conclusion of your union. It must extend, as you extended when you joined. It must reach out beyond itself, as you reached out beyond the body, to let yourselves be joined. And now the sameness that you saw extends and finally removes all sense of differences, so that the sameness that lies beneath them all becomes apparent. Here is the golden circle where you recognize the Son of God. For what is born into a holy relationship can never end.”

The only way a woman can prepare herself to have this type of relationship is to find the place within herself where she feels just as good on her own as she feels with any man. She can find that space using all the tools I mention on this blog, such as EFT, meditation, ACIM, and non-violent communication (lots and lots of empathy :-). Or anything else that feels good and is not dependent on a man, which for me is skiing, mountain biking, sitting in front of a beautiful warm fire, enjoying a glass of wine, going out by myself or with girlfriends, blogging or participating on a forum, and on and on.

Once her center is solid, she is finally prepared to have an entirely new form of relationship. A relationship where she never becomes needy or dependent because the moment such feelings begin to arise, she immediately turns to the stately calm within herself. She is now free to enjoy the company of men in a way that enhances her joy but is not the basis of it. It is very easy for her to walk away from anything that doesn’t feel good. And this frees her to be her sexiest, most romantic and playful self.

It is a blessed place to be.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Hot Alpha Female says:

    Hey Erika,

    You recommended me to read this a little while ago.

    Things have been crazy on my side over here, so it could seem like i have disappeared of the face of the planet.


    I think this is a very insightful post and as you know I LOVE reading your work.

    I agree what you say about what real love is.

    I guess it is a hard to grasp for a lot of women who believe that if they find that ONE guy, their whole world will be complete.

    This type of love, results in desparation, attachment and large amounts of craving. None of which are healthy.

    The ego loves all of these. Which is why romantic comedies do so DAM WELL! lol

    Hot Alpha Female

  2. Love isn’t desperation. I think the desperation is more in that search for love, and the actions taken to either discover, maintain, or reclaim it.

    As a term, “falling” is more about the caught-up-in-the-moment swirl, that feeling of shift and alleged helplessness as internal compasses realign and perspective shifts.

    You can and should entirely love at the beginning, middle and end, but there is a graduation there, a tier. Over time, through the growth of expression, love develops and expands…like sunlight over the horizon. Yes, the sun is always present, but you see more and more light as time passes on.

    Be more like the sun.

  3. Thanks for the great blog post t’was quite interesting. I found great comfort in it as it confirmed a few ideas about feeling good. :)

    Thank you so much for being a strong positive female influence.

  4. Good stuff. Same sort of idea seems to go for men as well.

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