Questions About Practicing Celibacy – The Belief System Behind Sex
So I got another question about celibacy. The truth is that celibacy began with a feeling, a vague intuition. Each time I found myself in “that moment” of decision, something deep inside me said “no.” It didn’t matter the situation or the guy, the “no” inside was loud and clear.
The “reasons” for saying no to sex have changed over time, and will probably change again, but this is my current view.
What is the belief system behind sex — do some of these sound familiar?
– I am a body. I am separate from the person I’d be having sex with, and this is a way of joining or merging.
– Sex is necessary for the continuation of “my” genes and of the species.
– Men who have sex with a lot of women will gain some weird form of immortality — the men themselves will inevitably die, but at least their genes will carry forward (not sure what good this does them when they are dead).
– Women need to procreate by a certain age or else they will die without “recreating” themselves.
– If another person commits to giving me exclusive use of their body, then somehow I have a form of safety. Of course, I’m still going to die, and I’ve cut myself off from connecting with other people, but at least I have some pleasure and safety in this relationship.
– Some people are of higher “social value” than others, and this means that even though they are destined to die, their genes will carry on because of their beauty, intelligence, social skills, strength, etc. etc. etc.
– The greatest gift that I as a woman can give a man is exclusive access to my body. Oh, but he has to do all kinds of things and prove his “value” to make that “exchange” worth it to me (boy, that sounds absurd even just saying it out loud, doesn’t it?) Check out my later article about Trading for Sex.
Notice a theme? Sex and procreation and exclusive relationships ultimately, when it comes right down to it, are all premised on the assumption that we are all going to die. This is our best hope of a little bit of pleasure now and a strange form of immortality (through our genes) from which we are excluded because we are … well, we are dead, so how can we possibly enjoy it???
Seriously, does this make any sense at all? Or, if you really think about it, is this a “story” that we all made up before we incarnated here because it was the most convincing way to persuade ourselves that we are not, collectively, the Force behind all Life.
Now let’s turn this whole belief system behind sex around:
– What if we are all eternal?
– What if we are not bodies but eternal immortal Consciousness?
– What if this is all just a dream, a giant virtual reality program?
– What if we are the ones who made up the dream, and we created all these “stories” about evolution, genetics, etc., to make the dream believable?
– What if in truth it is One Mind that is running all of these little bodies that seem to be running around as separate consciousnesses?
– What if I am already connected, through my mind, to every other mind in the Universe?
– What if our beliefs are the “software programs” that create the physical Universe we see?
– What if there is no death, and the entire reason we are here is to awaken from the dream and realize that fact?
Someone far wiser than me said it this way, and to me this helps us understand the belief system behind sex:
“4 Salvation is looked upon as a way by which the Son of God was killed instead of you. 5 Yet would I offer you my body, you whom I love, knowing its littleness? 6 Or would I teach that bodies cannot keep us apart? 7 Mine was of no greater value than yours; no better means for communication of salvation, but not its Source. 8 No one can die for anyone, and death does not atone for sin. 9 But you can live to show it is not real. 10 The body does appear to be the symbol of sin while you believe that it can get you what you want. 11 While you believe that it can give you pleasure, you will also believe that it can bring you pain. 12 To think you could be satisfied and happy with so little is to hurt yourself, and to limit the happiness that you would have calls upon pain to fill your meager store and make your life complete. 13 This is completion as the ego sees it. 14 For guilt creeps in where happiness has been removed, and substitutes for it. 15 Communion is another kind of completion, which goes beyond guilt, because it goes beyond the body.”
Love,
Erika, I’m so thrilled that you’re feeling so wonderful…for me, sex involves a great many aspects of who we are, and one of those aspects is in the “animal” realm of our beings, just like so many other of our instincts and functions. To where, when we’re having sex with someone (or even a group of someones)it’s like “happy animals” sumshing face and just feeling good with one another.
It’s in other parts of our beings – our emotions, our hormones, the way our physical functions feel and interact with other of our physical functions, chemical reactions, thoughts, beliefs – where every experience of connecting in any kind of way with other people gets “filled out” and “filled in.”
So, for me, I’d like my journey on this planet in this body to encompass as much adventurous and pleasurable experience as possible – both in and out of my comfort zone – in a mindful, aware, joyful way. A way that can help me decode all those thoughts, beliefs, feelings…that otherwise would run my life.
I really get that this is what you’re doing…decoding, experiencing…using the way you choose to connect with people not necessarily to limit yourself, but to expand in other ways. It’s all a grand experiment, as far as I’m concerned, and you’re the scientist of you. Brava to you for your thoughtful life.
Two Course quotes come to mind in this moment:
“While you believe that your reality or your brother’s is bounded by a body, you will believe in sin. While you believe that bodies can unite, you will find guilt attractive and believe that sin is precious. For the belief that bodies limit mind leads to a perception of the world in which the proof of separation seems to be everywhere.”
“Today I will judge nothing that occurs.”
Wow, I am so enjoying these comments. Thank you all. This is really fun!
Red Leader actually posted what looks like a very interesting contribution to this discussion on his blog on 9/17/08: http://expressexpression.com/blog/
Fran and Red Leader, I am totally intrigued by your questions. Can there be sex without the ego? Hmmm… I’m going to percolate with your questions and maybe blog about this again.
I feel so happy these past few weeks that anything seems possible right now! :-)
Nice post.
But I might disagree with you.
We are not dead.
Sure we might not yet be alive or quite as alert, but that doesn’t mean we’re dead.
I think actively refusing sex with someone of great personality and who you have a great time with is a bit unnatural and egoic.
It’s like when people refuse money or they earn too much and believe they don’t deserve it.
Thought getting in the way of evolution.
If deep down is what you want is to experience sex, then it’s already happening – it’s whether you’re open to it or not that will decide what will continue to happen.
I think in this post you’re identifying a lot as to who you are with the act of ‘not’ having sex.
To me, this is an egoic build up of ‘I’m good because I don’t have sex.’
Which is fair enough, a lot of women have been castrated in the past for being promiscuous.
I am completely non-judgmental with a girl if she wants to have sex with me.
I think that there ARE big egos generally attached to sex, but I also think it’s possible to have a completely free and enjoyable sex without the ego involved.
I also think ‘accepting’ that we are human and we are yet to evolve into just spirits of energy floating around denotes us from completely detaching from sex altogether.
I am also enjoying this post. I agree that sex is used by our egos to knock us off balance for all the reasons you mentioned. If this is reframed, can’t we see sex as an opportunity to look at how ego attached or not attached we are. If you know you are living mainly through ego (which I am), than abstaining is a great option. But I see it more as a challenge. Can I have sex and be in relationshiop without needing anything from my partner or getting any ego payoff? Can I have sex as an experience like any other? Every experience we have is an opportunity to be awaken. I can being awakened just as easily having sex as meditating.
Fran
Your writing is very powerful. You would appreciate The Second Ring of Power by Carlos Castaneda. it focuses mainly on the female warrior – and it reminds me of you – really coming to know your own power and being acutely aware of that energy.
I loved this post. I had to twitter it. Thank you for your honesty, and what a proper quote you picked from A Course In Miracles. The light just turns everything around, effortlessly, and it never gets old. So glad you found me.
Alban