Is It Possible to Have Egoless Sex?

Is It Possible to Have Egoless Sex?

That is the question on the table, and I am enjoying the question so much that I’m going to percolate for a while before addressing it. I welcome your comments in the meantime, to help me find some clarity about this issue.

Why is having sex any different than having a nice meal or a nice Starbucks hazelnut cappuccino, for example? Why couldn’t one become so detached from the outcome and actually use sex as a way to become more present and wake up from the dream?

Red Leader wrote a really intriguing piece about this on his September 17, 2008 blog: Also, Red Leader and Fran both provided very thought-provoking comments to my earlier blogs about this subject:

The Belief System Behind Sex – Are We Ready to Let This Go? and

Why I Practice Celibacy

I will say this about egoless sex. I am pretty convinced by now that exclusive relationships are not in line with the Course in Miracles, so unless someone changes my mind about what the Course in Miracles is saying, I wouldn’t even consider having one:

“5 It is sure that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living, and use them for any purpose which they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than die of it. 6 This is the choice they see. 7 And love, to them, is only an escape from death. 8 They seek it desperately, but not in the peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them. 9 And when they find the fear of death is still upon them, the love relationship loses the illusion that it is what it is not. 10 When the barricades against it are broken, fear rushes in and hatred triumphs.”

Love is freedom. To look for it by placing yourself in bondage is to separate yourself from it. For the Love of God, no longer seek for union in separation, nor for freedom in bondage! As you release, so will you be released. Forget this not, or Love will be unable to find you and comfort you.”

“Those who choose freedom will experience only its results. Their power is of God, and they will give it only to what God has given, to share with them. Nothing but this can touch them, for they see only this, sharing their power according to the Will of God. And thus their freedom is established and maintained. It is upheld through all temptation to imprison and to be imprisoned. It is of them who learned of freedom that you should ask what freedom is. Ask not the sparrow how the eagle soars, for those with little wings have not accepted for themselves the power to share with you.”

– A Course in Miracles

So is it possible to have egoless sex? Ok, let the percolating begin … :-)

Meanwhile, I wanted to share an experience last night. I did such a crappy parking job on Scott Street (seriously, it took ten minutes, and I’m usually a pretty efficient parker) that I got a standing ovation from some guys at the nearby bar. My old self probably would have been feeling embarrassed. It shows me how much things have changed. I just laughed, felt happy that I could provide them some entertainment, and got out of the car and took a bow.

One of the guys shouted “that was priceless.” :-)


erika awakening

(Visited 17 time, 1 visit today)


  1. M8kingMoves says:

    To me I view sex this way. Is hugging somebody free of ego? Is it giving value? I think it is. To me sex, acted out properly is similar to a hug.

    When I hug somebody, I give value. I provide comfort. I let somebody know they are accepted. I provide warmth. I offer a sense of attachment. We are connected to one another in a physical way that sparks something emotionally/ spiritually.

    Sex without corruption, without ego can be essentially as pure as hug. A phsyical exchange of love. A symbiotic (win/ win) situation. I am not taking/ stealing from you and vice versa. We are sharing a moment. There is value sharing w/ people on an emotional level. And there is value sharing w/ people on a spiritual level. And there is value sharing w/ people on an intellectual level. And I believe there is value sharing w/ people on a physical level. It doesn’t [have] to be sex but it doesn’t need to [exclude] sex either. It’s a matter of what you’re personally comfortable with and how much of yourself you want to share with somebody. To me sex is enabling yourself to be vulnerable. And I don’t think there is anything more attractive then somebody who is able to be vulnerable with you. It’s the most sincere and raw form of connection. IMO.

  2. If it’s anything like Tolle’s work, I might have to at least have a read of this book then… I just got 2/3 way through ‘the power of now’ where it mentions it…

  3. Red Leader,

    When I talk about the “Course,” I’m talking about a book called A Course in Miracles. These are not unexamined quotations, they are words that I’ve absorbed over a long time now.

    It’s the most powerful book I’ve ever read, an incredibly effective way to dismantle the ego. On her Gorgeous for God blog, Lisa put it this way:

    “Someone asked me a great question yesterday: Has A Course in Miracles really brought you peace and happiness?

    Yes, it has. This course really has brought me peace, clarity and joy. It’s astonishing. …

    Before I’d trained my mind to think differently, the misery and fear was like mud or cement where I’d get stuck in it for days and months, and couldn’t get out.

    But now I know how to change my mind in an instant. It’s a tremendous gift to see you have the power to see things differently, in each and every moment. I’ve been given the tools I need to go from fear to love. I have been given vision to see everything clearly. …

    Now whenever there is confusion or darkness it is like a flimsy veil – I’m in it … then I’m quickly out of it. Like unexpectedly walking into a cobweb. You don’t see it. You walk into it. You’re quickly amused or surprised. And then you untangle yourself from it. It doesn’t take any time, and it’s painless.”

  4. hey, thanks for your comment – nice job on the parking.

    honestly, I cant agree with any of those quotes. I don’t think they answer the question.

    To me, they’re like a weird way of controlling someone.

    I’m not to sure what course you’re talking about though..

    Naturally, humans are sexual beings. We are born with sexual organs.

    That to me is enough that it’s ‘fine’ to have sex.

    I think also you might be a little bit too into the ‘we are YET to be enlightened’ idea.

    I think we slip in and out – you actually seem quite intelligent and self reflective so to me you have awakened a great deal more than others, so from a practical point of view you are fairly enlightened yourself.

    You seem to mention exclusive relationships and sex fairly much as the same topic.

    To me they are very different things.

    Tolle says that words on paper are never truth – but merely signposts to the truth, it doesn’t even mean they are correct sign posts at times…

    The truth can only ever be found from within.

    I think the question ‘is it possible to have egoless sex?’ is similar to ‘is it possible to have an egoless back massage?’

    Both feel really good. Sex just has a stronger pull on the body. If you disidentify ‘who you are’ from your body and realise you are the energy behind that and steps you take, then I think THAT is egoless sex.

    I think the only time ego comes into it is perhaps after it’s over or just before it happens. During sex I think there can be a form of enlightenment.

    Say for example, after sex. Perhaps you get attached and identify with having it ‘on tap’ and you get a sense of loss or feeling of neediness when you aren’t getting it.

    That’s where the moment comes into it.

    FULL and TRUE presence brings abundance.

    IF you have a solid realisation of abundance and CENTREDness you don’t NEED ANYTHING, you are you and that’s by FAR enough.

    ‘You are enough’….always…

    Any guilt, needy feelings after sex are purely due to thought….

    The moment at hand after sex… is after sex, it means there is no sex happening now – perhaps it’s the day after… you are in the moment, that is primary.

    conversely, any pride and or super lust before sex, or for abstaining form sex is ego to me. Sure some people aren’t right for you, but if he/she is a perfect match and there is sexual chemistry, I don’t see a reason to hold one self back other than to fulfill the needs of some ulterior motive, perhaps some mind conjured reason.

    But then again, sometimes I think it’s different for a girl. For me, I’m open to it, I’m good at it and I enjoy it. so yeah, heh.

    “Notice a theme? Sex and procreation and exclusive relationships ultimately, when it comes right down to it, are all premised on the assumption that we are all going to die. This is our best hope of a little bit of pleasure now and a strange form of immortality (through our genes) from which we are excluded because we are … well, we are dead, so how can we possibly enjoy it???”

    Practially, we are going to die.

    Right now, we are not dead.

    In a sense of the ‘moment’ yes, we only have a small time on earth.

    life IS short. But there isn’t ever a reason to feel scarcity. It’s just a way to make sure you aren’t MISSING the moment. Because the moment is where abundance lies… It’s where we become alive.


  5. I don’t know of any other way to have sex! I mean, good sex anyway…I’m really glad the days of ‘outcome-based sex’ are behind me. Bleech.

    I’m confused though, what does being present sexually and letting it flow naturally have to do with “exclusivity?”.

    I’m also confused about why monogamy would be considered “bondage”? Have you experienced bondage in monogamy?

    I like monogamy b/c it’s a heck of a lot simpler than polyamory (and I’ve tried both). Not because I feel trapped or something. It’s just a choice either way, right. I mean, can you imagine an ego-less partnership? Maybe that’s the point.

    I must admit I don’t really jive with some the language of the Course. It seems to make some assumptions I don’t. For instance that partnership amounts to “using someone for a purpose” – ouch! I don’t really think I ‘use’ my girlfriend.

    I do think people do that – use their partners as a way to avoid the fear and uncertainty of living. But it certainly doesn’t mean all monogamous relationships are about that!

  6. Great blog post. I have really been into exploring this lately, namely being super present with the sexual experience and not very concerned with the outcome. Ironically, the more I focus on the present, the better the outcome!

Speak Your Mind