Reflections Before Co-Hosting A Non-Monogamous Erotic Party This Weekend

sex specialWould you do it? This weekend I am co-hosting a large erotic party at my home for the first time in my life. Aside from two men I have met once or a few times, I have never met most of the guests. The intention behind me co-hosting this party is simple. As I have talked about in other well-commented articles (read one here), I do not believe in “special love.” I have come around to the view that “special love” is really hate. And that all the programming we have received from Hallmark, Hollywood, Disney, and frankly even our parents … has ruined sex for everyone. What ruined sex for everyone? Specialness. Monogamy and every other form of specialness.

What comes along with specialness? Expectations, agendas, timelines, bizarre romantic fantasies, “rules” that must be followed, exclusion of anyone other than the “special snowflake” (which no matter what anyone says otherwise, is the ultimate form of bigotry) … Specialness is the beginning of all relationship nightmares. Yes, most people have still convinced themselves they want the monogamy, the white wedding, the children. Not me. I am done with specialness. I have learned that specialness leads to nothing in the end but pain. Those people who tell you that pain in life is inevitable are always believers in specialness. Without specialness, everything becomes presence and pain goes …

So I go into this weekend with the intention of loving strangers as friends and loving everyone equally. No specialness.

What I most notice about this shift in mindset is how dramatically it reduced my level of fear and how radically it increased my ability to see the entire weekend as practice in presence. No past, no future, no special relationships. Just pure connection. Notice that there is no possible way to get your heart broken with this mindset. Heartache becomes impossible. Breakups can only happen when you created something that can be broken. When love becomes unspecial, there is nothing to break.

Not to say there is no fear at all. The party invitation was very artfully drafted by my friend Philippe Lewis (read more about him here). And he is having everyone disclose their history of STDs right up front. Although I have no STDs to disclose and have been celibate for nearly two years, I noticed that I felt fear about hearing about what any one else might divulge. There was a moment of “do I really want to know that information about all these people?” And “how am I going to handle this information, is it going to be a limitation on connection?”

And then I realized what a beautiful thing it is, how much fear is being faced and let go just in the radical honesty of this sharing.
How much mutual respect there is in being straight up about it from the very beginning. How unlike any traditional dating I was ever taught. I found myself noticing my own embarrassment about some scars on my body. Although not contagious, perhaps I will talk about those right up front with everyone about my embarrassment as my way of being vulnerable and fully engaged. And as for finding out information that may trigger fear in me, I’ll just take it as it comes, letting intuition be my guide. Ultimately all STDs will be healed so at least I have the faith in that.

Another thing I notice about my shift in mindset away from special love and special sex is that I can go into this party with no agenda whatsoever. I’m not trying to “meet Mr. Right.” I’m not seeking out a particular kind of person for any particular kind of purpose. So I can just be and let it unfold and do my best to … love and connect with everyone equally …

This comes as no surprise to anyone who has studied A Course in Miracles. With so much focus nowadays on being present, it’s important to know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be truly present while holding on to special love. As the Course explains:

“It is impossible to let the past go without relinquishing the special relationship. For the special relationship is an attempt to re-enact the past and change it. Imagined slights, remembered pain, past disappointments, perceived injustices and deprivations all enter into the special relationship, which becomes a way in which you seek to restore your wounded self-esteem. What basis would you have for choosing a special partner without the past? Every such choice is made because of something ‘evil’ in the past to which you cling, and for which must someone else atone.” – A Course in Miracles

[Erika aside: Actually, re-reading that passage now is a very interesting perspective on my last article … It feels interesting because I actually DON’T any longer want a special relationship to atone for the past. Which raises the question why I am still looking at the past at all … well, we will let God answer that one, since He was so insistent that I go to Vietnam …]

Anyway, I digress …

So there it is. For me at least, poly sex and love is not about being titillated by girls kissing girls and big orgies in my master bedroom or hot tub lol. Poly sex and love, paradoxically, for me is much quieter than “special love” ever was. Special love always had drama attached because it’s not really love. It’s hate. The intention I hold now is simple, quiet, and peaceful. Whether I actually have sex or not really doesn’t matter to me. I will if it feels right, and I won’t if it doesn’t. Whether I do or don’t is not the point.

The point is to learn what real love means. And what it means is loving everyone equally. So we’ll see what happens, and I’ll report back next week … :)


Erika Awakening, Teaching People How to Create Everyday Miracles at TAPsmarter

Erika Awakening is one of the world’s foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and living life on your own terms.