Sex: the Electric Fence

Someone sent me a text message asking how I reconcile the last two posts (transmuting karma and tandem sarging).

Easy. Either it’s the same guy for both, or it’ll be tandem sarging with last minute resistance (LMR), my specialty. There’s a lot to be said for cuddling and hanging out without doing the deed.

On that note, I have pretty much come back around to the view I had a year ago: I have accepted that sex and Erika simply do not mix.

For me, sex is kinda like an electric fence. Fascinating to look at, terrifying to touch. I feel like I get shocked every time I go too close.

I know exactly how to get myself out of this quagmire: be with a guy who realizes that when we have sex, I’m going to have a shock/trauma response, and who is willing to be present enough and stable enough to help me become desensitized to the stimulus.

Does such a man exist? He would be giving me the greatest gift of my life. I would also be giving him the greatest gift of his life. Among other things, my access to the subtle realms creates a whole new level of connection and intimacy that most people have never yet experienced.

But I do not know if there is any man out there who has the kind of emotional strength I am talking about. A man who has the presence and strength to help me transmute the electric fence into a veil and a whisper so we can walk through it to each other.

(And, yes, I realize that nothing outside myself will save me. I’m articulating my vision of the man I want to be with so that my inner self will have the clarity and awareness to match that vision.)


Speaking of which, I have been reflecting a lot on Gayla’s concern about the statement “we are not responsible for each other’s feelings.” At one level, I do still believe this is a helpful statement. All of us are coming together with past karma that triggers feelings in us, and it’s not helpful to feel guilty about someone else’s feelings or blame someone for our own. But at another level, we are all responsible for everyone’s feelings. Deep down, we know the kinds of things that are going to trigger pain for other people — dishonesty, for example.

How rewarding it would be if all of us reached deeper inside ourselves to find ways to spread gentleness and help each other.

And as for a potential partner, you better believe I expect him to stay present with me and cherish my feelings until I feel better. If I’m in pain, I don’t expect him to “fix” it, but I definitely expect compassion and his best efforts to give me what I want and need. Wouldn’t he want the same from me? How else can we possibly have a solid and meaningful relationship?

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Willard Libby says:

    Were you sexually abused or raped?

  2. Lisa,

    It can mean different things in different situations, but no, it generally means the guy and the girl hit on girls together, as a team.

  3. Anonymous says:


    I'm still not sure. Does that mean you sit at the bar, smile at guys, and invite them to approach you, while your friend hits on nearby girls (at the same venue)?


  4. When this split sits there, it needs a kind of no nonsense healing… to dive into the depths of it and stay present… so, in a sense, if a woman has this path for herself, she is looking for a lover who accepts the responsibility of triggering places in her that need healing… for himself, he has to prove that he has the fortitude and power and courage to connect with the illusions inside of

  5. Hey Erika,

    I'm so feeling you girl.

    This wasn't obvious to me, congruent in me, let's say, until a conversation this week with a friend… about what "AWAKENING" means. And how EFT benefits the process…

    My own intimacy and sex have been riddled with so much turmoil and also blessed with blissful triumphs…

    My version of it

  6. Anonymous says:

    You're trying to control everything.

    In the words of Tyler Durden, "just let go"

  7. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, sex is just something that just happens. If people go looking for it, they are really looking for lack of themselves.

  8. Jason Miller says:

    There are men out there who will love you enough to walk you through this fear and pain to bliss. :-) You already own your fear so have faith that your honesty and openness will carry you through.

  9. At one level, you are right, Anonymous. It is nothing.

    At another level, the body is a metaphor. So sex is the symbol of union (the transcendence of the dualism of masculine and feminine). Seen that way, it's a very big deal.

    Lisa, I'm mostly talking about connecting as a team. Does that help?

  10. Anonymous says:

    Sex isn't that big of a deal unless you make it out to be. It really is just nothing.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Hi Erika,

    I love your ideas and expression. Please let me know if you do something special to get in the mood for writing!

    I do want to ask though, what does tandem sarging mean to you? I looked up sarging, got that, but from your last post I'm a little lost as to what you would specifically do in Las Vegas. I know a guy I could refer you to… but I don't know

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