How to Attract and Keep Women – Harem Management Revisited
How many men are truly skilled at harem management? What would our world look like if harem management were an everyday skill?
Just in from a manicure and pedicure, and off soon with Player Girl, but in the meantime …
A little while back, when I was not feeling nearly so placid as I feel today, I wrote a not-so-complimentary article about harem management.
I was also recently in a heated exchange with a guy who happens to be a proponent of so-called harems where I pointed out that Rori’s website is called “Have the Relationship You Want” and NOT “Be in the Harem You Want.” My attitude was, yeah right, just try marketing “Be in the Harem You Want” to women and see what happens. (His version of harems, btw, is very boring. It involves a bunch of f*ck buddies and no coherent community. As you’ll see below, that’s not what I’m talking about.)
Mmmm … wait just a second now … that got me all inflamed … what’s going on … I’ve also written some on this blog about embracing the Shadow Self.
So, well, yeah, if the word “harem” gets me that pissed off and pouty, then it’s something I need to look at … it’s part of my Shadow.
Teacher interjection here: Very often, whatever it is that we resist the most is actually something we want, but we are judging ourselves for wanting it, so we push it away, try to keep it at arm’s length. An example would be, “wow, if I wanted to be in a harem, then I wouldn’t be a ‘good’ girl, so I refuse to admit myself that I would ever want that.”
The problem with the Shadow Self is that it’s not easily kept at bay. If I’m resisting Harems, Harems will haunt me until I’ve faced the Shadow Self.
Integrating the Shadow Self often means doing a 180. Meaning, whatever direction I was going in, in order to integrate the Shadow Self and become more whole, I need to do a 180 reversal. If I thought I hated the idea of a harem, I need to look at the parts of it that attract me.
Am I making any sense at all? If not, read Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.
Anyhoo, then Daria and I got to riffing on Facebook about our secret fantasies of being in a harem. Then a few other women were brave enough to chime in, and a guy from Casanova Crew graciously offered to provide space, music, and creative consulting. Lol :-)
So here’s my Shadow Side riff on why I would actually love to be in a harem.
First of all, let’s not forget the romance of it. As Daria says,
“I’ll sign up. I have a beautiful and deep fantasy about being a dancing girl to a pharaoh who falls in love with me.”
Daria also said:
“Yeah… love Sheherazade and the 1001 nights… she was a real Goddess.”
And then another woman said about harem management:
“The harem has been my fantasy ever since I was little. Definitely feelin’ some past life energy there. I have always dreamed of creating the Neo Harem. There’s something about the baths, playing instruments, lounging, royalty, enticing dance…”
Well, when I heard women saying those things, it got me in touch with a side of the harem that I wasn’t in touch with when reading PUA articles about “harem management.”
“Management,” after all, is not a very romantic word. It’s a masculine word, and it does have a certain masculine appeal, but right now we’re talking about the Feminine version of harems.
We’re talking about Harem Creation. Harem Community. A voluptuous, sensual way of living.
This is what I love about imaginative 180s:
Once I stepped out of my little angry judgmental box, my mind kinda got set free and started meandering down fantasy paths. Well, I could enjoy a harem. Imagine if Daria and I were in the same harem, and we could loll about on cushions drinking ice wine. Having manicures and pedicures and massages. Maybe a little tantric yoga here and there, and a lovely walk in the woods, hand in hand.
Maybe we’d get to wear sexy, fairytale costumes, and it’d be like being at Burning Man every day of the year. It’d be like hanging out with all my best girlfriends and then adding our favorite sexy men. (Of course, we’d need to audition the men. They’d need to have a LOT of physical AND emotional stamina.)
And so many of the things I don’t like about casual sex wouldn’t be an issue. If it’s a community, then even if the guy or guys are sleeping with other women, well, they are still there. They are available. It meets my emotional needs for knowing I have a masculine presence to turn to, confide in, play with … it doesn’t feel anonymous and cold and like it could disappear at any time. It feels like a real home.
I imagine little walking gardens with ponds and waterfalls, lots of beautiful women lounging about on the grass. I imagine Daria and I being fanned and served little sandwiches and sparkling fresh water and fresh figs and champagne. I imagine women sharing clothes and dressing each other, and everyone always having someone luscious to sleep with.
Truly skillful harem management and community living actually sounds very wonderful … I wonder if it could ever happen in real life.
Love,
The trick in real life is commitment. You can create a harem for a day, or a week, or a month, but people in the modern world are going to be comparing it with their other options, and the moment someone squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube (or whatever their pet peeve is), they are out of there.
One solution is to have the place be so awesome that people will put up with anything to be there, or there’s a long waiting list of people to replace anyone who leaves. Hugh Heffner did that.
Another solution is to be really good at picking people, and use an extensive interview process to make sure it’s a good match, and then have really good conflict resolution processes in place. I’ve known several communities that use this approach with varying degrees of success, for instance, the More House, the Living Love Fellowship, and the Possibility Alliance.
Other communities seem to achieve greater harmony and longevity by eliminating or carefully regulating sexual activity. It’s definitely a chaotic and potentially destructive force to be reckoned with; I wish more people would work on setting up healthy happy poly communities, it would be really useful to have more contemporary examples to follow.
I love where strong emotions can lead us. 180 indeed… best times of my life are 180s.
I know it can happen in real life.
The harem you're describing sounds wonderful. But real harems weren't like that. They were full of women competing for attention (and therefore resources) from the *1* man who *owned* them. It was also not a choice to be there.
I prefer the geisha fantasy. Incredibly accomplished, independent, *picky* seductresses. The did not sleep with most of the men they entertained. They chose one to be their patron if they wanted.
And we could still all live in a big house and talk pedicures. ;-)
Mmm hmm. Now the hound has picked up the scent.
Sometimes what we resist isn't actually something we want.
Sometimes what we resist is something that's just lame.
Compared to the version we do envision as a possibility and would much rather make instead.
If the harem the guy in front of you is thinking about is as wonderful to you as the one you're thinking about …
"Teacher interjection here: Very often, whatever it is that we resist the most is actually something we want, but we are judging ourselves for wanting it, so we push it away, try to keep it at arm's length."
I like this.
Should we do my harem, or yours?
Glad to see you happy. :-)
Ron.