Response to Mark PostMasculine Article About Values and Boundaries
It doesn’t happen very often anymore that a blog article impresses me. In fact, I stopped reading blogs because most of them are just words on a page, regurgitating old tired ideas and creating no real transformation or healing for anyone. Yet when I saw one of my customers post an article about Values and Boundaries by my ex Mark PostMasculine, I felt drawn to read it. And I am glad I did, because it’s a really solid article that is very much in alignment with Holistic Belief Reprogramming.
The gist of the article that Mark PostMasculine posted today is that the ability to set healthy boundaries in your life is contingent on having highly clarified personal values. I was delighted to see Mark PostMasculine saying this because it is a principle that I have been teaching for a long time, yet I rarely see anyone else articulate the connection between values and boundaries.
As I have written elsewhere, I took the plunge into personal development about seven years ago, soon after my near death experience. One of the first forays I conducted was an attempt to understand this vague concept called “boundaries.” I read a pile of books by “experts” and came out with no more clarity about boundaries than I had before. Indeed, my confusion had increased after reading the books. Unfortunately, this is all too common in the self-development world – the guidance is so poor that consumers end up worse off than they were doing previously by simply following their own common sense.
It took years of feeling my way along via intuition and experience before I came to the same conclusion that Mark PostMasculine expresses in this article: boundaries are not something that you arbitrarily set based on ideas of “right” and “wrong” behavior. Setting healthy boundaries arises organically out of having clarity about your values. And the higher your degree of clarity about your personal values, the easier it gets to set healthy boundaries. I explained this connection between values and boundaries in the free Personal Power Challenge video that you can view here.
Mark PostMasculine mentioned several life areas in his article where this principle can be applied. In truth, this principle applies to ALL life areas. Two of the obvious areas are romantic relationships and business.
1. Values and Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
The number one reason that I opted out for quite a while of the entire romantic relationship arena is the lack of clear values that most people are bringing into their relationships. I needed to spend a significant amount of time in solitude unraveling the crappy conditioning and unclear values that I had taken on from my family upbringing and early relationships. I had taken on an additional level of crappy conditioning by reading a lot of dating advice books that were totally misguided.
Romantic relationships are simple, in my book, now. Get super clear about what you want. Communicate what you want to the world, and let the right people show up. Assess every opportunity that is offered to you based on your values, and say “no” to anything that is not what you really want.
Sounds insanely simple, right? But how many people are actually doing it?
I myself have been in fairly long-term relationships I never should have gotten involved in, because I did not have clarity about my values and did not have a deep enough sense of worthiness to hold out for what I really wanted. Now that my values are so clear, I think it would be impossible for me to get deeply involved in any relationship that was not fully in alignment from the beginning.
It was my recognition of this connection between values and boundaries that led me to write a lot of my recent articles on this topic, including:
In many ways, clarifying my values and setting healthy boundaries is what allowed my sexuality to come back to life. I feel safe now expressing my sexuality because I know that my clarity and boundaries keep me safe. And in that self-created safety, I can play to my heart’s content :)
2. Values and Boundaries in Business
I love, love, love what Mark PostMasculine had to say about values and boundaries in business. As he points out, if you think you just want to make money, and do not have clarity about some of your other important values, you are quickly going to get into a bad situation. It sounded so great to be a work-at-home entrepreneur until you end up turning it into a “grind” for which you have no passion.
One of my clients recently learned this lesson. He was trying to make money online, and I could tell by his posts that he just was not passionate about what he was selling. He did not really believe in what he was selling, which not only meant he was not making many sales. He also felt shitty about himself. Is it any surprise then that he was having so much trouble kicking his porn addiction?
One day, I gently brought to his attention that it did not feel like he really wanted to be doing what he was doing. He reevaluated and (in addition to large amounts of EFT tapping), he decided to go in some new directions business-wise. Directions that actually matched up with his values. Very soon thereafter, he kicked his porn addiction! Then he decided that he would like to create an info product helping other people kick their porn addiction. And even just making that decision brought new life into him. The money started coming in, too. Which is not at all surprising to me. How to Attract Money with EFT Tapping and when we are in integrity with what we are selling.
To be a successful entrepreneur requires a constant setting of healthy boundaries, especially if you are a public figure like me or Mark PostMasculine. We receive an incessant flow of private messages with people requesting this, that, and the other. Often these people have no clarity about their own values and the emails can read like chaotic plates of mental spaghetti. Now that I have a six-figure business, lots of people want me to promote their stuff or to partner with me, but they often have no clear sense of a win/win proposition. Sometimes clients try to get into a co-dependent relationship with us. If we are not conscious of our values and a fair give-and-take in relationships, we can quickly become depleted. Some of the articles and videos I have released on this topic of values and boundaries in business are these:
Now, a few additional points I wanted to make on this subject of Values and Boundaries.
Number one, is that boundaries are not rigid “rules” that are one size fits all. For example, I generally agree with what Mark PostMasculine said about not giving attention to people who don’t give attention to me. I like balanced exchanges. That said, there have been a few situations in my life where my intuition clearly told me that healing was more important than pride or balance in a particular situation. For example, I have had employment situations and relationship situations that I was told were “hopeless” that I “should just let go.” Yet my intuition and the value I place on healing and harmony trumped any short-term concerns about self-respect or balance. And in the end, I am glad that I adhered to the values of healing and harmony. Because ultimately, sometimes after a lot of persistence on my part, those relationships were healed. And I can tell you, there is no better feeling on this planet than having a seemingly “hopeless” relationship restored to harmony. It is redeeming to the human spirit in a way that goes way beyond any words I can put on this page.
Number two, most people have no idea how to get clarity about their values. An important step in this direction for me came from studying Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Non-violent communication is a values-based way of listening and expressing ourselves. So instead of being attached to strategies, we can get in touch with the deeper needs beneath those strategies. Needs like freedom, simplicity, harmony, healing, respect, and so forth. Having clarity about my desire for simplicity, for example, has led me to keep my business model shockingly simple. I can run this business from anywhere in the world, mostly on my iPhone. I have no employees, no payroll, no physical buildings to take care of, and the entire thing gets tracked on one Excel spreadsheet that makes my taxes super easy at the end of the year. I would HATE this business if I ran it any other way. So here my values and setting healthy boundaries have kept my passion for the business alive through thick and thin.
My coaching system, Holistic Belief Reprogramming, when used with commitment, will give you tremendously higher clarity about your values, as well as the self-esteem needed to set healthy boundaries. Whenever I have a lack of clarity about anything in my life, I turn to my coaching system, and it always delivers the clarity I need. It has been such a God send.
Well, that’s it for now. I don’t blog a lot these days because I have felt so drawn to video format. I feel that I can deliver real transformation far more effectively via EFT tapping videos than I can with mere written words. But every once in a while, I come across an article that I love like this one by Mark PostMasculine. And then I feel compelled to write again. :)
Erika Awakening, High Priestess of Miracles at TAPsmarter
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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