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How Specialness Ruined Sex for Everyone

Reflections Before Co-Hosting A Non-Monogamous Erotic Party This Weekend

sex specialWould you do it? This weekend I am co-hosting a large erotic party at my home for the first time in my life. Aside from two men I have met once or a few times, I have never met most of the guests. The intention behind me co-hosting this party is simple. As I have talked about in other well-commented articles (read one here), I do not believe in “special love.” I have come around to the view that “special love” is really hate. And that all the programming we have received from Hallmark, Hollywood, Disney, and frankly even our parents … has ruined sex for everyone. What ruined sex for everyone? Specialness. Monogamy and every other form of specialness.

What comes along with specialness? Expectations, agendas, timelines, bizarre romantic fantasies, “rules” that must be followed, exclusion of anyone other than the “special snowflake” (which no matter what anyone says otherwise, is the ultimate form of bigotry) … Specialness is the beginning of all relationship nightmares. Yes, most people have still convinced themselves they want the monogamy, the white wedding, the children. Not me. I am done with specialness. I have learned that specialness leads to nothing in the end but pain. Those people who tell you that pain in life is inevitable are always believers in specialness. Without specialness, everything becomes presence and pain goes …

So I go into this weekend with the intention of loving strangers as friends and loving everyone equally. No specialness.

What I most notice about this shift in mindset is how dramatically it reduced my level of fear and how radically it increased my ability to see the entire weekend as practice in presence. No past, no future, no special relationships. Just pure connection. Notice that there is no possible way to get your heart broken with this mindset. Heartache becomes impossible. Breakups can only happen when you created something that can be broken. When love becomes unspecial, there is nothing to break.

Not to say there is no fear at all. The party invitation was very artfully drafted by my friend Philippe Lewis (read more about him here). And he is having everyone disclose their history of STDs right up front. Although I have no STDs to disclose and have been celibate for nearly two years, I noticed that I felt fear about hearing about what any one else might divulge. There was a moment of “do I really want to know that information about all these people?” And “how am I going to handle this information, is it going to be a limitation on connection?”

And then I realized what a beautiful thing it is, how much fear is being faced and let go just in the radical honesty of this sharing.
How much mutual respect there is in being straight up about it from the very beginning. How unlike any traditional dating I was ever taught. I found myself noticing my own embarrassment about some scars on my body. Although not contagious, perhaps I will talk about those right up front with everyone about my embarrassment as my way of being vulnerable and fully engaged. And as for finding out information that may trigger fear in me, I’ll just take it as it comes, letting intuition be my guide. Ultimately all STDs will be healed so at least I have the faith in that.

Another thing I notice about my shift in mindset away from special love and special sex is that I can go into this party with no agenda whatsoever. I’m not trying to “meet Mr. Right.” I’m not seeking out a particular kind of person for any particular kind of purpose. So I can just be and let it unfold and do my best to … love and connect with everyone equally …

This comes as no surprise to anyone who has studied A Course in Miracles. With so much focus nowadays on being present, it’s important to know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be truly present while holding on to special love. As the Course explains:

“It is impossible to let the past go without relinquishing the special relationship. For the special relationship is an attempt to re-enact the past and change it. Imagined slights, remembered pain, past disappointments, perceived injustices and deprivations all enter into the special relationship, which becomes a way in which you seek to restore your wounded self-esteem. What basis would you have for choosing a special partner without the past? Every such choice is made because of something ‘evil’ in the past to which you cling, and for which must someone else atone.” – A Course in Miracles

[Erika aside: Actually, re-reading that passage now is a very interesting perspective on my last article ... It feels interesting because I actually DON'T any longer want a special relationship to atone for the past. Which raises the question why I am still looking at the past at all ... well, we will let God answer that one, since He was so insistent that I go to Vietnam ...]

Anyway, I digress …

So there it is. For me at least, poly sex and love is not about being titillated by girls kissing girls and big orgies in my master bedroom or hot tub lol. Poly sex and love, paradoxically, for me is much quieter than “special love” ever was. Special love always had drama attached because it’s not really love. It’s hate. The intention I hold now is simple, quiet, and peaceful. Whether I actually have sex or not really doesn’t matter to me. I will if it feels right, and I won’t if it doesn’t. Whether I do or don’t is not the point.

The point is to learn what real love means. And what it means is loving everyone equally. So we’ll see what happens, and I’ll report back next week … :)

Love,

Erika Awakening, Teaching People How to Create Everyday Miracles at TAPsmarter

Erika Awakening is one of the world’s foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and living life on your own terms.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. JBY says:

    The prevailing theme I’m getting from this post is fear and avoidance, and while I find it a rather sad commentary in and of itself, I find it far sadder that so many people on this thread have been so hurt by their experience with love as to be fooled into agreeing with you.

    The line “I have learned that specialness leads to nothing in the end but pain” demonstrates the underlying rationale behind your intentional avoidance of true intimacy with others. So what if there’s pain?? So what?? The true strength in presence of which you speak comes from the ability to sit with the messy, difficult parts of ourselves–to rest in discomfort. Not to wish it or rationalize it away.

    Sex is not intimacy, as I’m sure you recognize. And multiple studies have shown that sex without intimacy eventually loses its appeal. Yes, you can have sex with every single person you come across (which I wholeheartedly doubt you actually do) and stroke your ego with this deluded definition of equanimity. But with this rigid ideology you’ve adopted you’re actually just giving up one prison for another one of your own making.

    I wish you and everyone else here the best in your respective journeys. We’re all just trying to find our path.

    • Hi JBY,

      Thanks for commenting. I suppose what you’d hear in a lot of my recent writings is an insistence that intimacy be established long before sex. There are many unanswered questions for me about what happens then. Surely restricting intimacy to one person while mostly avoiding it with everyone else is just as much avoidance as what you are talking about …

      Also limiting the idea of sitting in discomfort to one “special” romantic partner … well, I sat in extreme discomfort this entire summer with myself and my cat. It was the most intense experience I’ve ever had. Most would have “checked out” by opting for euthanasia. I just stayed with it, every painful little bit of it, until it shifted. And still staying with it, until he is fully healed. So avoidance? Nope.

      You might find it interesting, wrote some about it here: http://erikaawakening.com/guardian-angels/

      cheers.

  2. Rebecca Swenor says:

    We should never let past experiences ruin our future. New relationships will never work out if we do. Thanks for sharing

  3. ArcheAge says:

    I think / work if we can think about a cup of coffee

  4. Eric says:

    You wrote the following on facebook and this seemed to be the closest blog post I could find to the topic.
    https://www.facebook.com/erika.awakening.3/posts/10202814695959296?stream_ref=1
    We can view special relationships – whether open or monogamous – as a form of addiction. Addiction to a person. And the problem with addictions is that we make our happiness and our identity dependent on something outside of ourselves. Well, next thing you know disrespectful behavior is happening and we are tolerating it because the “relationship” has become more important than our self-respect. And then we wonder why we are feeling miserable in our marriage, have out-of-control children, health issues, and are breaking our word about things that matter. The problem is we have no solid values and instead have based everything on a source of happiness outside of ourselves. The most powerful use celibacy had for me was to free me from my special relationship addiction. I learned how to be happy without sex and without a partner. Which makes it very easy to stand my ground in the face of disrespectful behavior.

    Have you written anywhere about how children would be raised in a situation without special relationships? It would seem to me that being a parent would enforce a special relationship with the other parent — the two parents being special to each other by way of each being responsible for the child. And by being a child, the child can’t help but require some sort of special relationship with some sort of caretaker.
    That might even lead to another question since the nature of a baby is to be needy and so does that serve to teach this need for specialness right from birth?
    I could do some wild conjecture at this point, but I don’t think that my limited understanding of this would come up with anything useful.

  5. Gary Grant says:

    This blog entry invites people to a very unhealthy path that will lead to 'failure to bond'.
    Constantly fortifying and engaging in romance and commitment with ONE PARTNER is the highest degree of spiritual journey. Who we create ourselves to be, for ourselves, for our partners, for our family and friends and for our dreams, while holding committed relationships as sacred, brings a faith to life that is incomparable with 'follow your lust' thinking.
    Let no one shake your faith or disparage your faith in love and romance. Its real, it's true, it's possible … and its great.

  6. Brett says:

    Giving your transformation to non monogamous relations, Are you more turned on while sleeping with men who have adopted a non monogamous approach to dating? Vs… a man who is in a monogamous relationship? When refering to the latter does the turn on stem from the forbidden fruit, the challenge of being with a man who is off limits? Or is it because you have what another women has without her knowing? Or is strictly pertaining to men in non monogamous relations because all parties are free to share in a man who you found worthy…

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Brett,

      These are such great questions that I may turn this into another blog post … The short answer is this is not about forbidden fruit, it’a about honest everyone-knows-about-everyone sharing … Healthy relationships are non-co-dependent relationships, and this is easiest to attain when everyone involved has options and not giving anyone else “exclusive” access to themselves … it’s a much longer conversation though so I think an article would be best … thanks for the questions … :)

  7. luis says:

    Hi Erika, I have been seeing lots of your posts about monogamy. My question is: don’t you ever feel jealousy about a man that you like to have sex with having sex with another woman? isn’t jealousy a natural feeling we all have?

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Luis,

      Jealousy is fear, and fear is not our friend. So most of my fear has already been cleared ( for example with this – http://tapsmarter.com/fearless) … and whenever jealousy rears its ugly head, I clear it. Sharing and expansion are way too fun to be held back by stupid things like jealousy and fear …

  8. Lori J Bayne says:

    Scott Strong ~ It is only a logical fallacy when you are looking at it from an angle different from the one that Erika is using. Same with heartache becoming impossible. You are looking at it with a different lens than she wrote this with, which is why your understanding of her words is different from her intention in writing them. Your response to her is not addressing what she meant, but rather, your interpretation of what she wrote.

  9. Lori J Bayne says:

    Scott Strong ~ It is only a logical fallacy when you are looking at it from an angle different from the one that Erika is using. Same with heartache becoming impossible. You are looking at it with a different lens than she wrote this with, which is why your understanding of her words is different from her intention in writing them. Your response to her is not addressing what she meant, but rather, your interpretation of what she wrote.

  10. Lori J Bayne Exactly … yea I still haven't fallen asleep lol … I am speaking from a new paradigm and Scott has not taken the time or patience to understand it …

  11. LORI says:

    DAMN, girl! I say stuff like this all fucking day LONG! And I get so much SHIT for it!!! But I can’t not say it! For gawd’s sake, how can I shut up when I know this stuff to be fact, because I know, firsthand, how damaging the belief systems that drive monogamy are? It would make me dead inside at 43 to keep my mouth shut. I mean seriously. People get mad because I can’t stop loving them enough to try to help them out of the pain they are in … pain they don’t know is caused by their belief systems!

    It literally took me being in a car crash to realize that I was controlling my then-boyfriend (now husband) with my selfish, demanding, TAUGHT mongoamistic viewpoint. I had to have monogamy physically shaken out of me with blunt force trauma! I realized that Jason (then-boyfriend) was putting his love and expression and whole BEING on hold because he was very kindly and patiently waiting for me to catch up and wake up. When I realized that I was going to be ok physically, all I could think of was how glad I was that I finally got that shake-up call, ’cause I was gonna tell Jason as SOON as I could that I didn’t want us to keep trying monogamy anymore, that I didn’t want him to hold back his expression of love just because I hadn’t put down all of my shit, yet, and that I was ready to try to step into polyamory with him, even if it was just him seeking love at that point (he’s considered himself polyamorous from birth, with no monogamistic tendencies). It took a LOT of undoing and tears and reprogramming with beliefs that I chose for myself because they felt good to hold, not something heavy and icky that someone else put there for me before I could reason.

    I harmed us both because no one before me knew how to teach me how to put on my big girl panties and deal with my own emotions as though they originated in, well, ya know … ME! Nobody was “making” me feel anything! What I wish people could see is that what upsets them (when their belief system is rattled) is not what someone else says or writes or thinks. What upsets them is their own self-harmful beliefs that are based in fear, lies and hate. But if you point that out, no matter how sweetly or succinctly, you’re the asshole who pointed out their self-inflicted wound; what’s more, they’re so asleep that they don’t even know that they stabbed their own heart with their well-calibrated, freshly-oiled, destructive, Sharp Belief Machine.

    Pride alert! More anger. Send in the Butt Hurt!

    UGH! It really, really, really IS insanity! We teach each other to blame each other for belief systems that someone else came up with! EEKS!

    The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

    It was NOT fun for me to wake up. But damn, I’m glad that I did. Because being awake and free and polyamorous is SO much better than waiting for Prince Charming to be The One so that we can live “happily ever after” in lies, hurt, deceipt, non-communication and fear all based in bullshit beliefs!! And doing all this while pretending that my life matters? While chasing accolades and air-kissing other asleep women and pretending that I give one SHIT about their shoes?

    It just makes me wanna gag.

    I’d rather be searching for (and finding) meaningful connections with people who give a shit about more than what they see in an app or on a commercial. Monogamy does not have a whole lot of that connection going on inside it.

    Yeah. Dyin’ inside, slowly, my whole damned life. No more. No thank you!

    Seriously. PLEASE keep writing! If you ever feel down, if you lose friends, if people think you’re nuts, just think of me, and know that I need your work. It makes me stronger. I’ve got some pretty amazingly profound goals of my own in this life around ending monogamy on this planet, and you keep me inspired and motivated. Thank you!!! No one else that I have found on the internet writes as gloriously honestly as you do. You are a true light in this world!!!

  12. Anastasia Bierhausen says:

    Oh, yes, I also think that it is rather funny and silly to think that physical sex with another person is the only way to express sexuality. It’s so funny! It seems that there is the underlying notion here that expressing full sexuality means having sex with many people. I’ve had wonderful sex with many people, and I actually don’t believe that it was the ultimate experience I have had in sharing sexuality. The most intimate experiences I have had involved shamans and jungle medicines and were far more powerful and involved many people in unity and love, everyone accepting and holding space for each other’s EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, including and moving beyond sexuality to a place perhaps even beyond death. Nothing to do there but get out of your own way and just be pure love. And, even that was a created set up. Just like thinking that sexuality is tied to physical sex. That is a limiting set up.

  13. Anastasia Bierhausen says:

    I agree that all relationships are special, I just don’t think that having physical sex is the ultimate freedom and ultimate expression of that love. I love all things, including the plants, animals, insects, children and all people, but I don’t necessarily think that sex is the way to ultimately express that love. I think that when we are attuned to our astral bodies, sex is just one aspect of the energy exchange. I love children and have special relationships with all whom I have been blessed to know, but I don’t want to have sex with them. But, I do wish to commune in a soulful way. I think that the author of these articles is perhaps missing (I could be wrong since I don’t know this specifically) the many ideas that perhaps there are other ways to commune with people fully that don’t involve sex. I think that physical sex (while it can, if you are in a blessed place, be a sacred unifying force) can also be a limiting and distracting thing. Or not. There are many paths to loving all beings. It seems like the author of this article would put monks and yogis who have renounced physical sex into the same negative category as she puts the monogamous. As well as children, animals, plants and the other beings that are in this form made of water, wind or fire.

  14. Dale Mason says:

    If there was no tension between “Specialness” and “Oneness” there would be no plants’ animals’ humans’, no evolution … “Sex” organically arises out of this tension.

  15. Rohit says:

    I love all this hot controversy. To quote Shakespeare “’tis a tale of sound and fury signifying nothing.” I humbly request the critics to step back and look at what happened. Erica had the courage to share, to be vulnerable about her thoughts and her experience. Her critics need to ask themselves if they could do the same. Would they dare to bare their personal lives and risk the insults and condemnation of others? A blog such as this is a place to share ones views and by all means express opposing views. But it is in poor taste to hurl personal insults like “I find you delusional and a hypocrite of the highest order”
    As for the idea that specialness is not love it is in fact hate, I felt into this powerful linkage and went YES!! Specialness is a product of the egoic mind which likes something and dislikes others, loves some people and hates others, makes peace with some and war with others. The past few centuries, since the advent of religion, we have been brainwashed into the idea that believing that there is One way to God, one special messiah, one special religion that will take us there and all others are of the devil. This pernicious evil of specialness gave birth to its shadow: fanaticism, which has filtered down in to many of our belief systems including the sacred domain of love.
    Without questioning the rationale behind specialness we seek someone special to be with, someone who to us seems better than all others, our sole mate, twin flame or whatever you call it. But more often than not, the dream falls flat on our face and we are left sad, lonely and bitter. Specialness doesn’t guarantee that someone will be with us forever, will not cheat or betray the vows they made. In fact with 60% of people having cheated at some time whilst in a committed relationship, we need to reexamine the very concept of monogamy. Why do our relationships not last, why do we fight more with our special partners than most other people, why do we so often lose the passion, the specialness and become, at best, friends and companions instead of lovers. Where does the spark go and why?
    My humble submission is that the egoic mind is a computer that does not understand love, it does not know how to recognize true love, maintain a relationship or part with your lovers. Ultimately when a lover leaves or when it doesn’t get what it wants the egoic mind acts like a spoiled brat and turns so called love into hate. It may even go so far as to hates all men, all women, all ….. whatever. Like the binary code in computers it vacillates between love and hate, like and dislike, good and evil, right and wrong.
    According to me, love is source energy, spiritual energy that requires an entirely different language to connect with. In my book “Loving Soulfully” I write “No one can be your ‘one true love’. No one can complete you or fulfill you. No one can be the right one for you. The one you seek is the Source of all – the one true love who will never forsake you, never hurt you and never break your heart.” “Seek not the one who will be all and everything for you. seek instead to love the One within yourself, the One in those you hold dear, the One in everyone. Love the One in all and the All in one.”
    This guidance from my inner voice led me to explore Polyamory and Open relationships. It also led me to see how we have demonized our sexuality unless it is sanctified by marriage, commitment or love. Outside of this holy trinity, sex in and of itself, sex for pleasure or recreation is still seen by many as dirty. A very sexually active woman is seen as a slut (but men are regarded as studs by other men) and sex between three or more people is seen by many as unacceptable. Where did these ideas come from? Religion perhaps? Suppression of our sexuality may perhaps be the root cause of the flourishing porn industry, the ever increasing incidence of rape, abuse, trafficking and a host of horrific acts of violence against women all over the world. Perhaps if we stretch this further, it may even be the cause of forming countries, hoarding wealth, and waging war on each other. My suggestion for us to get out of this phenomenon is for men and women to “Strip off the shackles and set yourself free. Break the limitations, the conditions and the social norms. Be shameless, fearless and guiltless….. Celebrate your sexuality! Enjoy as much sex and pleasure as you desire. Sex and spirit cannot be separated for God is sex and sex is divine” (from “Loving Soulfully”) (the last reference to “God is sex” is from the famous scripture of India, the Bhagavad Gita spoken by Krishna)

    • Rohit says:

      One more thing, to think of someone as special is lovely. Everyone has something special about them and certainly we are attracted some specific people. But follow this attraction to its roots and you may find that it is rooted in media and social conditioning, it is based on karmic issues that we need to resolve often with any awareness of what ties us to this person in the first place. The need to be thought of as special is the greatest ego trip of all. And when that gaze of specialness shifts to another (who in fact is also special) then the egoic illusion comes smashing down like a house of cards. To add insult to injury we have to deal with another fallacy, the idea that another person in “mine”. Can anyone really be yours? Can you really possess another? I thought only slave owners and ghosts tried to possess people. every spiritual teaching in the world warns us, that which you feel is “mine” will cause you the greatest suffering. When applied to people this becomes infinitely more true. Our relationship paradigm is an archaic, unchallenged, model based on fairy tales and religious dogma. Most of the time it leads to great pain and suffering. The beauty of the Open Relationship / Polyamory is that it forces us to challenge the ego, invites us to go deeper with the one we love and become more grounded and loving of ourselves.

  16. ART says:

    @ Scott Strong:
    Hello Scott, you said:

    “…By your rationale you would be perfectly happy submitting to a gangbang with 10 randomly selected dudes…after all they are just penises right? Nothing special…or…does the quality, character, and chemistry of/with the man the penis is attached to matter?…”

    Actually that’s not what Erika implied to say; in fact she explicitly made that clear.

    One has to go much deeper here. Erika is entering the hidden structures of the issue, the as yet unknown, dark, and especially SUPPRESSED layers.

    What to do with the fact that there actually ARE g*ang b*bangs; they might not be that ubiquitous in our society nowadays but they certainly exist. Much more there are threesomes, millions of people who dream of s*ex with others, or love others outside their ‘normal’ monogamous relationship.

    But living out these urges is virtually FORBIDDEN in our ‘mostly monogamous society’ – hence they are being suppressed on a massive scale. And the ‘monogamous contract’ (for example the marriage agreement) is mainly responsible for this suppression:
    - “You cannot possibly have sex with somebody else!” (Meaning: You can only have sex with me; you BELONG to me!)
    - “You cannot possibly love somebody else!” (Meaning: You are not ALLOWED to love somebody else; you are only allowed to love me, you are my PROPERTY!)

    This is pure separation (I – You)
    Materialism/Business (Mine – Yours)
    …A massive schism – which sooner or later leads to massive suffering…as we see it at the very moment in our world!

    Now Erika’s solution is NOT to go out and have sex with anybody. She suggests to look deeper:
    What is really going on? What is this enormous sex drive? This craving for love? Where does it come from? How do we deal with it when it overcomes us? What when we ourselves become the ‘target’ of this deep archaic desires? Do we simply refuse with the rationale “sorry, I am already in a monogamous relationship”, or do we see that WE TOO have these desires. Maybe they are deeply hidden in our subconscious, but surely they are there.

    And maybe we are simply so afraid of these suppressed energies what we prefer to cover them up into nice, cozy and purportedly SECURE monogamous prisons…

    So Erika suggests to fully CONFRONT all dark desires and becoming fully HONEST with our suppressive strategies (one of which is monogamous relationships). If we do that, we heal our souls – and as a reflection the outside world as well!

    Then, the ‘problem’ of ‘sleeping around with anybody’ doesn’t even occur anymore…
    Pura Vida!

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Loving your comments, ART. Thank you SO much for bringing such a clear voice to this conversation. Your comments are great jumping off points for new articles when I can get some of my other urgent matters taken care of … really feeling much gratitude, thank you :)

  17. Kasya B Catyes says:

    I believe that for good sex to happen there needs to be a connection. Sex is energy work, based on trust. Therefore, one night stands repel me. Many people say they had bad sex until monogamy… because finally they took the time to connect and do it correctly. Mere copulation is abusing the energy, which real purpose is a Divine experience. What bothers me in society is that you are not allowed to cultivate deep sexual and spiritual connections with more than one person. I'm not talking about screwing around, that is actually more tolerated than the deep connections which take time. Truth is our genetic makeup change. In the matriarchy kids were raised by the community. Multiple sexual connections were allowed and commonplace. This is what the Bible calls "paradise".

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Kasya,

      Thanks for your comment. I hear you. As you probably already realize, nobody here is advocating disconnected sex. We have a real connection with every person and animal on this planet. It’s already there, waiting to be discovered. And we are talking here about creating a moral and emotional environment where we COULD cultivate deep sexual and spiritual connections with everyone. Because we stop being discriminatory and do our radical forgiveness work until we can embrace everyone with depth and courage.

      It’s unlikely while we are in physical form that we will actually have sex with everyone, and that is not the point. We do want to create Heaven on earth, and we do that with a mindset of openness and loving everyone equally. So that just as we might share a vacation or a meal with a large group of people … now we also share sex and we just keep expanding the realm of love.

      Thanks for sharing :)

      • Rich says:

        Hi Erika,
        I have been trying to follow you and figure this stuff out. Thanks for elaborating. If “Specialness” is defined as “Scarcity”… vs an abundance mentality, then I can follow you.

        The concept of Soulmate and there is only one person in this world I can connect with… better not screw it up… yes, this can cause problems. It can cause people to compromise and settle, etc…

        You can certainly know multiple loved ones at once(like an inner circle with girls and guys). On Loving Everyone, I think this is an exaggeration to stimulate abundance mentality. I suppose one could flirt with everyone, though. :)

        There are some so-called Universal Connectors, or people who can supposedly sincerely connect with anyone. People with high empathy, who use specific techniques to try to connect. This might be an advanced discussion, though.

  18. Rich says:

    I equate “specialness” with “attraction”. I mean with “Special Snowflake”… or putting someone on a pedestal, someone can be “Love Drunk”. Usually with Romantic Love there is an imbalance.

    Without specialness… what is the thought process? I met this guy at a bar. Is he cute? No, not really. Just Joe Average. Do you like talking to him? Well, he was pretty boring. Dressed bad too. Lives in a rat hole. Not to sound “too judgmental”. A perfect mate. :)

    With specialness and Love and Attraction come emotional dependencies, neediness and clinginess. Without it… I guess you have “Sex Friends”. ie. There is an itch, and somebody should scratch it.

  19. Scott Strong says:

    Last thing I will say (for now)…awhile back I reached out to you about the possibility of promoting my health services. You declined saying that you only cross promote with others who already have sizable lists/followings. That right there was discernment in action. I didn't have something you wanted so I was not "special" enough to warrant your attention…

  20. Scott Strong says:

    By your rationale you would be perfectly happy submitting to a gangbang with 10 randomly selected dudes…after all they are just penises right? Nothing special…or…does the quality, character, and chemistry of/with the man the penis is attached to matter?

  21. Andy Liew says:

    Actually i am quite enthralled by the party erika will host. look forward to her sharing on her feeling and thoughts on the party

  22. Sherry Froman says:

    Who is special love hate to? The other beloved? People who aren't connecting with these individuals but wish they were? Someone else? Curious…

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Sherry, it’s hate to everyone. We can love only as God loves, loving everyone equally. If certain ones are selected out as objects of “love,” that is not love … it is idolatry and hate.

      • Sherry says:

        Do you think it’s possible for someone to love everyone but live with and have sex with just one person? And what is your definition of hatred?

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Hi Sherry,

        No it is not possible. If you check out the other thread, you will see the hatred that always peeks through in people’s defense of monogamy. They only choose to “live with and have sex with just one person” because of the secret hateful beliefs about how disgusting all the other people are … If you have a few minutes, check out some of the comments here about “rolling in the dirt with pigs” and so forth – it’s exactly what drove racial segregation, same exact thing:

        http://erikaawakening.com/five-reasons-why-monogamy

      • SCOTT strong says:

        Another logical fallacy. Saying love=hate is pure ridiculousness. I know what love feels like when I feel it and it feels nothing like hate. Frankly I find you delusional and a hypocrite of the highest order. Having preferences and practicing discernment are part of being a healthy human. As is having an ego. I laugh at people who try and get rid of their ego. Unless you volunteer for a lobotomy it’s not going to happen.

        I am fine with people choosing polyamory (so long as they don’t get elitist over those who choose monogomy and vice versa) but please don’t pretend that you use judgemrnt, discernment, and various criteria to sort who you spend time with and when and how. Please don’t pretend that some people don’t engender different feelings in you than others.

        This article feels to me to be antihuman and reminds me of the short story “Harrison Bergeron” by Vonnegut.

        I can relate on the level of a baseline value for all people (the abstract love of hunanity) and that we should all posses equal rights under the law and equal access to the fundamentals of survival but to say that my sexual preference for one person over another has ruined sex for everyone is a nothing short of hyperbolic drivel that flies in the face of who and what we are and how we are built as mammals. Heck even birds and arthropods practice discernment in choice of mates.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Scott,

        Welcome to the blog:) It’s only a “logical fallacy” for those who have not understood that the entire world we see is a projection of beliefs.

        We have discussed at length on the other thread why special love is responsible for all war, famine, death, disease, and predatory behavior on the planet. If we loved all equally, violence would become inconceivable.

        It is only because we put one person over another, one species over another, one race over another … that it becomes possible to eat meat or fish (which is murder), love Germans and hate Jews (Holocaust), kill people because of their perceived political beliefs (Khmer Rouge), practice racial segregation, or practice sexual segregation …

        I am not going to repeat here all the different conversations that we already had on this thread – http://erikaawakening.com/five-reasons-why-monogamy

        Logical fallacy it is not. It is plain as day to anyone who is willing to be honest about it that specialness has not only ruined sex. It has ruined everything.

        cheers,
        Erika

  23. Julie says:

    Wow, this is too great a departure from previous blogs for me … I don’t agree with this philosophy so I’m unsubscribing. Take care.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Julie,

      Welcome to the blog :) Oh, now why would you do that? We are just starting to really ENGAGE here … isn’t that worth sticking around for?

      Coincidentally, I had JUST posted on my Facebook page this little bit of wisdom recently learned:

      “If you make no other change in life, start staying connected through conflict instead of disconnecting … It changes everything.”

      Btw, anyone who isn’t on our page yet, can join here, http://facebook.com/ErikaAwakening

  24. Zyg says:

    Trust, so fear will rise up and float away. Trust, so love will bloom. Trust, so doubts will fall in glistening tears.. from open eyes.

    Trust. Betrayed, it teaches and tempers the spirit… fulfilled it rises in glory and shouts from us .. Truth.

    Trust.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Beautiful Zyg. Look forward to meeting you this weekend, now that I know who you are lol :)

      Trust is everything. One of my favorite mantras is “God is the strength in which I trust.”

  25. Michelle Miyagi Cloudinfinity says:

    Very fearless beautiful Erika <3 I was thinking that celibacy is not sharing and was wondering about it :) Enjoy!

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Thanks Michelle. Yes, I have talked elsewhere about how I see celibacy has many parallels to monogamy and that it was important that I start facing my fears in this area. Now … to me it’s still an open question whether and what role sex plays in salvation. The difference between celibacy and monogamy is that it’s not participating in an activity and then segregating based on partners’ perceived “acceptability” to the ego. Celibacy is simply not using sex at all. That said, I am committed to removing ALL of my fear. And the only way I’m going to feel certain what role sex may or may not play in salvation is to face all my fears and explore it. So that’s what I’m going to do.

      • Michelle Miyagi says:

        Yes, I was investigating that subject and have thought about this sticky issue at length. I am still struggling with physicality issues. It is so very challenging to extrapolate some of these concepts and apply them to physical issues. Sex is both physical and spiritual. My feeling is that we do need to share, yet for me it is difficult enough keeping up with what I am sharing now? It comes down to practicality. And my heart keeps me within certain bounds. I don’t line up with treating bodies as objects, casual sex/hook up mentality, but I do favor/resonate with what I am seeing explored by some friends in California. Maybe it’s akin to your party? Yes, sounds wonderful to face fears and explore :) Trailblazer you are :) Inspiring <3

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Hi Michelle,

        Thanks for joining the conversation again :) Yes, that’s where what I teach comes in … What I basically do is clear fear systematically so we no longer have to live within our perceived limitations … Like I said in the other thread, I don’t expect anyone to go out and get banged by twelve crack addicts today. I teach a gradual method of releasing fear so powerfully that those twelve crack addicts get transformed into twelve Prince Charmings … It takes commitment and consistency but bit by bit the whole world is transformed …

  26. Philippe Lewis says:

    Scott Strong, I think you two are both speaking with absolutes, and this exposes both of you to being right (with your own perspective) and wrong (there isn't much that is absolute) and this doesn't serve anyone other than show extremes, IMHO.

    Better to see such absolute visions not as reality and more as possibilities, from where I'm sitting.

    Anyway, I love Steve's video and I think there's truth in both of what you said.

    And guess what: what you both say does have the potential to transform people's perspectives. Perhaps in that area Scott, you are more of a pessimist and Erika is more of an optimism :)

    • Erika Awakening says:

      LOL … actually I do believe in absolutes. In fact, I believe absolutes are the only way the planet will get healed. That said, as Martin Luther King, Jr. taught … you can love the person without loving the racism. Special love is racism against the entire planet except the “special snowflake.” We can still love the people who practice it while not accepting the idea of separation … And on that note, I’m just feeling too weary right now to start this discussion all over again … we have more than 80 comments here that will answer frequently asked questions and inflammatory remarks lol … enjoy:

      http://erikaawakening.com/five-reasons

      • Philippe Lewis says:

        That’s the fun part, isn’t it? We all get to believe what we want, even absolutes! And yet, as we grow and evolve, these absolutes shifts our perspective shifts. ACIM is awesome, but it is but one perspective. Fundamentalism never wins out for that reason: because there is always another truth hiding behind the truth that shows up as The Truth.

        Simply put, you can have 10 people living in absolute peace (or just being extremely effective in their lives) through 10 different perspectives. And they all work.

        The pursuit of ultimate and absolute Truth is somewhat overrated. Much better is the sharing of what we know for ourselves to tbe the truth — our own truth, even if we call it an absolute — in order to support others in growing theirs.

        How awesome it is to be in community that way!

  27. Scott Strong says:

    Also, "Special love always had drama attached because it’s not really love. It’s hate." is a logical fallacy.

  28. Scott Strong says:

    Wow. I disagree with this article on so many levels. For starters,

    "Notice that there is no possible way to get your heart broken with this mindset. Heartache becomes impossible"

    Frankly, this seems like a delusion, another rule or wall thrown up to keep from getting hurt. When you truly open your heart and become vulnerable to another there will always be that risk.

    Seems a very shallow and selfish way to love really. Moreover it flies in the face of human nature. Hypocrisy…you will always have your preferences, and some people will always "mean" more to us than others…and that is the way we are built as mammals.

  29. Philippe Lewis says:

    Specialness, another form of conditional love.

    Here's another (I would say compatible) gorgeous perspective on it:

    http://www.interchangecounseling.com/blog/i-love/

  30. Philippe Lewis says:

    Awesome!

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