What to do when there’s a conflict between what he wants and what she wants

More blog vision boarding. I was pondering this morning how, in my ideal relationship, we would address situations where there seems to be a conflict between what he wants and what she wants.

This could be in the arena of “small” things, such as where he wants to go to a concert and she wants to stay home. Or it could be in the arena of “big” things, such as where one partner would like to have children sooner than the other, and the other partner is worried about not having as much freedom as he/she would like.

I personally like to keep the overall frame of “if we stay connected and really listen to each other, there is always some way for all needs to be met in this situation.”

I’m intrigued by the idea of rating the intensity of each person’s desire to do a particular thing, such as, “this is my favorite band, and they never go on tour, it’s a 9 for me to go to this concert.” That person might also say, “and it’s a 7 for you to come with me to the concert, because I really want to share this music with you.” And then, the other person, whose desire to stay home may be only at a 5, might realize that the sharing of the experience is more important to her than staying home, so her 5 might drop to 1, and her desire to the concert might go from 0 to 7.

Mostly, I’m curious how you all address situations like these in your relationships, how you stay connected even when it seems like there is an apparent conflict, especially about big things.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. How you describe the different/potentially opposing desires, I agree completely. Things are either important enough to break up over or not important – enough that you are willing to compromise with the other person. If you go by those two categories, then it becomes pretty clear when compromise is called for (most of the time).

  2. I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy listen to me so much that I lost respect and attraction for him. If anything, him listening to me intensifies the attraction and goes a long way towards getting me to fall for him.

    Now, if he wanted me to make the decisions on absolutely everything, like he was a little boy and I was Mommy, then I would definitely lose respect…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hi Erika,

    Referring to what you have spoken about getting to know your yes and your NO in one area: it is a learning to get to know myself, to know what is guidance I have directly from God about anything I do… and what is an energy, thought, agreement, contract, to do something other than what is Divinely guided.

    To follow this guidance without question takes practice

  4. Anonymous says:

    You will have to live dangerously. You will have to move towards the unknown, and you will have to love persons and not things. You will have to be ready not to possess anybody, because the moment you possess the person is not there. Only a thing can be possessed. OSHO

    When you look through the eyes of logic, you will know a few things, but those few things will not give you the vision

  5. Lol, Anonymous, good point :-)

    That said, it doesn’t really work not to listen to her at all, either ;-)

  6. In my opinion the so called big things can really make or break a relationship. If someone has a “strong idendtification” like whatever, having at least 2 children, his values can have more pull than the relationship itself. Especially women seem to have this one, whereas some men could do good without children.
    The big things should be taken care of before marriage (if you have to marry

  7. Anonymous says:

    The math gets more complicated when you factor in that she loses respect & attraction for the guy when he listens to her too much.

    I realize that such things would never happen in your ideal relationship. But they do happen here on Earth.

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