I received this question from a reader and wanted to answer it here, along with (most appropriately) another sexy photograph … LOL :)
Hi, Erika –
I would very much like to get your perspective on this, and I thank you in advance for your time and advice.
Anyway, here it is: what I would like to know is when a woman leaves her house to go out – whether it be on an evening or just thru the day – does the way she dress give any clues whether she is looking to hook-up or not? For example, if a girl goes out showing a little more cleavage than usual, or her skirt is an inch or two higher than normal, or if she is wearing a little more make-up, is that significant? Or does a girl dress sexily primarily to just feel good about herself, or even to impress her female friends?
In addition, is a woman always aware of herself, the way she is looking, and the way she is portraying herself? By which I mean, if a woman crosses her legs in a man’s company and ends up showing a little too much leg, or has an extra button undone on her blouse, would you consider that as significant in that she is looking to hook up, or is wanting the man to approach?
Thanks for the question, Frank, and here is your answer: The only way you will find out what it means when a girl is dressing sexy is to get to know her, or — and this is where the Jedi powers that I teach come in — get to know yourself and women so well that you can “read” people accurately in an instant most of the time.
Let me back up a bit and explain what I mean …
As a woman, I definitely have times when I feel more or less open to men approaching me …
If I feel less open, I’m going out to the store in sweats or even pajamas, lol :) Shockingly, this does not actually seem to have much effect on the number of men who make eyes at me or hit on me :)
If I feel more open, and I’m going out with my girlfriends, I’m usually going to glam up more. Actually, the night I met Vegas Guy, for example (read the Vegas Guy Seduction series here), I was wearing a lingerie top, tight skirt, red leather jacket (tailored but not tight), and a tiny bit more makeup than usual.
My body language also changes dramatically with a guy I’m interested in versus one I’m not interested in. A woman who is into a man will usually do flirtatious crossing of her legs, shift around, flip her hair, and generally be much more touchy-feel-y than a woman who is not into a man. Her body language is likely to be open and animated (although — some girls are shy and are going to be more reserved with their expression). A woman who’s trying to get rid of a guy is going to turn her body away from him and do other body language that is easy to read for people who are tuned in, and very hard to read for most guys I meet in the community because they are not tuned in.
So in a sense, I do think there is a correlation between what a woman wears and her body language and how open she is to hooking up …
But: adding a layer of complexity is that what motivates a woman and how open she really is varies A LOT from woman to woman.
Some women go out looking for sex. Other women, like me and my girlfriends, don’t.
I, for example, am never going out to get laid because I don’t have one night stands. When I dress sexy, I have mixed motivations usually. Part of dressing up is just for me. It’s fun being a girl, and I like to wear pretty outfits and feel sexy. That said … No matter how I am going out, I am *always* open to a man who really shows up AS A MAN that night, which unfortunately is rare. I would not have sex with him that night, no matter how amazing he is, but in a rare circumstance I might hook up with him and be open to sex in the future.
Most importantly: the evening is ALWAYS more fun and exciting for me and my girlfriends if a man shows up and ACTS LIKE A MAN. So from my perspective, you really can’t lose if you ASSUME that women who are dressed up sexy and giving sexy body language are at least open to your approach. If you assume that, you will approach with more confidence. If you approach with more confidence, you are going to get a better response, and your chances for a sexual encounter go WAY up. Just don’t make assumptions about what she wants out of the encounter. She may be open to sex that night. She may not. Guys would do well to enjoy the actual person they are talking to instead of focusing too much on the end result of a one night stand.
And this is where the value comes in of LEARNING ABOUT PEOPLE. The only way you are going to become hyper-calibrated so that you can read people instantly is to GET TO KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE INTIMATELY. It’s by experiencing many people, in deep conversations, in many different contexts, that you will learn the ultra-subtle signs that can never be described with accuracy in a blog article, that tell you what that person wants or doesn’t want. And how you can sweep her off her feet.
What most guys don’t seem to understand is that THIS IS WHERE THE FUN IS AT ANYWAY. It is soooo interesting to learn about people. If you become good at flirtation, you can turn your questions to me into all kinds of FASCINATING ice-breakers and conversations … by actually ASKING the women the same questions you asked me …
Their responses will tell you SO MUCH ABOUT THEM. Be sure to listen not only to the literal answers, but also to the sub-communication. Some women will say out loud that they’d never have sex the first night, but they are really too embarrassed to admit it.
The only way you are going to be able to see all these subtle differences is to BECOME INTIMATE WITH PEOPLE. Put yourself in more and more challenging situations and get into deep conversations with people. Really get CURIOUS about people. Be curious less about facts than about their emotional responses to things and their motivations. Be willing to put your assumptions aside and learn about people, all their little unique foibles and beliefs.
If you’re a newcomer to this, asking questions directly sometimes feels scary. Do it anyway. Experiment.
Example: “This dress looks stunning on you (kino). I’m so curious, when you decided to wear it tonight, were you expressing a certain mood? If this dress could talk, what is it saying about you?” … That sort of thing :)
Another great way to do this indirectly is to engage a girl in PEOPLE WATCHING. This means you are sitting at a crowded club with a girl, and you see another girl some ways off doing one of the things you described, maybe crossing her legs a certain way or wearing a sexy outfit, and then you ask the girl you are with, “What do you think it means when a girl wears a dress like that, what is she communicating to the world?” (Again, this takes some calibration, because you don’t want the girl you’re with to be under the mistaken impression that you are interested in the other girl. The frame is that you are people watching TOGETHER. Also, the tone we are going for here is not judging other people, just being curious about them. I’ve found this to be absolutely one of the most amazing ways to bond with guys.)
p.s. As for your question about how aware women are of what they are doing, that also varies greatly from woman to woman. You can help a woman become more aware by asking her curious questions like I mentioned above, and most people LOVE LEARNING ABOUT THEMSELVES with someone who is sincerely interested in them :) More bonus points for you as a man. :)
Anyway, I hope that answers your question. Be sure to visit my coaching page, as I love working with guys in person or via Skype to help them overcome their fears of approaching women, talking to women, and escalating sexually with women :)
And now for the photo … I’m definitely feeling more and more daring, lol :) … but still, this is a cropped image … you can only see the reflection, not the actual original image … kinda cool :)