A couple of weeks ago I received an e-mail from a blog reader, a devoted Course in Miracles student and teacher, for whom I have tons of respect. The reader said:
“If you want a relationship with great sex (which is a great goal), it will be given to you immediately.”
Is that true? I don’t know. It’s a huge question mark for me.
When it comes to relationships, I have the most ridiculous “sticking point” in the world: It’s the actual sexual intercourse thing.
At a certain point you have to laugh. Seriously, I’ve had several marriage proposals this year even though I’m celibate, guys offering to have a baby with me, more suitors than I know what to do with … as long as I resist sex. As long as I have in my mind “there is no way I’m having sex,” then everything goes great. But if I even so much as THINK about actually having intercourse, things seem to go awry. Seriously bizarre divine intervention.
Maybe it’s a subtle form of “oneitis.” I don’t really get hung up on a a particular guy anymore, but maybe as soon as I consider actual intercourse with a particular guy, I get scared, and that messes up my vibe. Maybe.
At times what I really want is for a guy to do an absolutely amazing seduction, and then say, “Baby, I know you’re scared right now, and we’re going to fuck anyway.” I want someone to plow through my fear WITH me.
And at other times, I’m back to thinking that we as a culture are going to move away from sex. A friend of mine told me about a book called Peace Between the Sheets, which essentially advocates monogamy without genital orgasm. The idea is that all the chemicals that get stimulated by orgasm actually drive men and women apart.
Then when I read A Course in Miracles, I still feel unable to reconcile monogamy or any form of sex with its teachings. For example, from Lesson 136:
“Now is the body healed, because the source of sickness has been opened to relief. And you will recognize you practiced well by this: The body should not feel at all. If you have been successful, there will be no sense of feeling ill or feeling well, of pain or pleasure. No response at all is in the mind to what the body does. Its usefulness remains and nothing more.”
http://www.courseinmiraclesforum.com/spirit136.html
The same reader also said: “I know you say you are celibate in the physical sense, but you are actually more sexual than anyone I have ever known in my entire life!!” Lol :-) Which resonated as true with me when I read it.
It’s just, I guess, that my sexuality feels like it’s really my aliveness. I enjoy my aliveness, in the past few months I revel in my aliveness, it feels amazing, and at the same time I’m wondering lately if that energy is meant to be channeled in new and non-bodily directions…..
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Postscript: I just found this fascinating website:
http://www.patanjali.ch/meditations/relationship/relate_6.html (especially enjoying the Pink Floyd reference — some artists are definitely “dialed in” to the Divine, don’t you think?)
and this on celibacy:
http://www.patanjali.ch/library/The-First-and-Last-Freedom/QandA/q_21.html#sex_3
Ok, so I’m just going to fly by the seat of my pants here a bit. Now, I haven’t read ACIM myself, I kind of went down other roads. So I might be completely off base, just so you know. Also, if this is all old hat, then forgive me.
One of the reasons I think you might be having, or have had, an awkward time trying to reconcile these two forces is that ACIM sounds to be a more masculine spiritual exercise, or a body of work which tends to exercise spirituality in a way that relies on stretching masculine essence, which actually conflicts or interacts strangely with your more natural feminine center of gravity.
Check this out.
In this moment, there’s a part of you that is noticing stuff. It maybe stuff happening. It may be stuff sitting there. Look over at the other side of the room; you can notice that that stuff isn’t you; you’re what is noticing it. Look at your hands; notice that your hands aren’t really you; you’re noticing these hands. Sure, they’re a part of this body. Look at this body; you’re what is noticing it. Sensations of blood flow; you’re what is noticing them. Notice whatever thoughts might be there; you’re not those thoughts, you’re what is noticing them. Think of your name. Think of your entire personality, the whole structure of what you think and how you feel. You aren’t that. You’re what is noticing that. Think of everything you can ever remember, or think of everything that you have been, are and will be. Think of everything you could ever think; you’re what is there, noticing it. All your life, there’s always been this you there, just noticing whatever there was that could be noticed. Bare naked. Unflinching.
This direction of spirituality is essentially a masculine direction. To folks with a masculine bent, heading in a direction where you identify things – anything that can be noticed – as not you – and moving away from stuff – into nothing but bare naked awake ahhhhhhhhh where everything is gone – that’s hot. It’s what leads to the idea of sitting in a bare room staring at a blank wall just breathing … leads to that sounding like a great idea. More awake nothingness, please.
This is not a woman’s idea of a good time, in general. But at times, it may be.
Now think about reversing that direction. Think about your aliveness feeling so strong as you become the intense chaotic swirl of everything that ever happens, as you become storms and rain and wind and sunlight and things growing and dying and living, until you are everything, alive, awake, vibrant, fullness itself.
I haven’t read ACIM. The passages I’ve read elsewhere and here, though, give me the impression that when you follow that “masculine” process, it confounds that reconciliation because it goes in a direction that is about becoming awake nothingness. Desire ceases. Fullness ceases. It goes away from aliveness. Great for the masculine essence in you as a woman. Then your feminine essence is like well … um … ? Then you go and do other stuff, where you can expand that aliveness and fullness and become everything. Reiki. Travelling. Socializing. Emotional languaging. Etc. People. Bodies. Uniting, coming apart, uniting, trying to unite, monogamy, polyamory, lions, tigers, bears. Blogging.
Does that make sense, or is it too garbled?
“Then when I read A Course in Miracles, I still feel unable to reconcile monogamy or any form of sex with its teachings.”
Erika, do you still feel or ponder that irreconcilability, even occasionally, at this point in your exploration?
I ask because if so, I’d like to have a conversation here with you about it, if that’s all right with you.
@ Anonymous,
Lol :-) It’s not the first time I’ve been called “crazy” and I’m sure it won’t be the last:
http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/
2008/10/heart-melting.html
You’re crazy as a dingbat.
This whole spiritual and practical motivation for your celibacy seems like a pretext for deeper issues.
Wow, Matt. Wow, wow, wow. I don’t know who you are (wish I did ;-), but your words really landed with me when I read them. This may even inspire a new blog entry.
I do have Patanjali on my shelf. He said: “When we are firmly established in chastity, subtle potency is generated.”
And I’ll never forget the words of a famous PUA after we spent some time together and he learned that I usually date multiple men without having sex. He said: “Ah, then you are in control of all your relationships.” Control, mind you, is not my goal. But I found it fascinating that he of all people would say that.
Have you really examined, Erika, what Pantajali or any of the Hindu texts say about bramacharya (celibacy)? It is a celibacy of thought… a certain chasteness of spirit. Why have you not fucked these men that have offered? There is a reason, and for me, the reason that I don’t fuck certain women or a lot of women is the fact that I feel I would be breathing ego doing it. It feels heavy to me.
This feel heavy because it stems from the wrong place. As long as it is two egos getting together to have sex… to satisfy a “need”… it will always feel this way. When sex comes as a natural outgrowth of the depth of Love, when it is an expression of joy and gratitude then the weight of ego does not rest on it. Why? Because no one is trying to fill a “need.” Their needs are already filled by the internal considering of their own souls and the joys they experience in two souls relating with each other. When adoration is the motivation for sex, true bramacharya is expressed because the body no longer is no longer the object that you have identified “You” with. I hope that makes some sense.
I also wanted to clarify that I don’t believe in “high value” and “low value” — we are all equals. Lest you misunderstand though, the men I mentioned have tons of options with women and also have extremely attractive lifestyles (they are wildly successful by the standards of “this world”). One of the offers I came very close to accepting but at the last minute got some guidance that led me in a different direction. Also, I adore these men :-)
Hotbox, sweetheart, I love your comment. I love your honesty and your passion, I can feel it in every word you write. And yes ultimately what I want is probably exactly what you describe.
Before I could experience that, though, I needed to become whole myself. I needed to understand at the deepest possible level that sex could never fill me up or validate me. That if I want that kind of experience from a man, I must first become the kind of woman who is giving that experience, too.
I’m on the cusp, on the verge, I can feel it. It’s all good. Thanks for saying it so beautifully :-)
I hate to be blunt, but I’ve found from experience that brutal honesty is a rarity nowdays. And just because you’re a girl, and a seemingly sincere and nice one at that, I’m not going to “softhand” you. Just going to tell it like I see it:
– These guys that having been proposing to you and such sound like pretty low-value guys. Real pushovers.
– It sounds like you’re getting an ego-boost from the supplication these guys are giving you, and as a result of that, you’re pursuing this supplication as validation, instead of ACTUALLY pursuing what you REALLY want: which is to be seduced, and fucked, by a strong, confident, and openly honest man.
– You’re looking for answers in celebate-promoting texts and “spiritual sexuality” as a way to further justify your current state.. as a way to “be okay” with the lack of satisfaction that you’re getting right now.
Is any of this hitting home? Am I on the right track, Erika? Is it just me, or does it seem like you just want a guy to take you in his arms, listen to all your fears and dreams with an understanding smile on his face, and make love to you all night long?
And another thing: you do have the power, as a girl, to actively seek out the type of guy that you’re looking for.. instead of passively waiting for him to come along.
I know that you believe everything happens for a reason.
I also believe that life is a result of the choices we make.. In that, you decide your own life. You write the script, and then you live it. Everything that happens to you is indirectly a product of your own design.
And in case you don’t know by now, any harshness you may feel from my words is not a result of condescension or negativity.. my intentions are to inspire and motivate. To light a fire inside you to move you towards action, or at the very least, self-reflection.
Cheers
Lol :-) Thank you for the fun comments!
Part of me thinks that I’m going to know him when I see him, and then it’ll happen really fast.
“The quiet that surrounds you dwells in him, and from this quiet come the happy dreams in which your hands are joined in innocence. These are not hands that grasp in dreams of pain. They hold no sword, for they have left their hold on every vain illusion of the world. And being empty they receive, instead, a brother’s hand in which completion lies.”
http://acim.home.att.net/text-29-05.html
Hmm…ask some self-described pick-up artists their thoughts on whether or not you should remain celibate and they’ll say…
Well, you get it.
Aren’t you really just meeting guys who aren’t leading the relationship?
I agree with entropy4. The celibacy thing is too transparent, Erika. You don’t want it. You just want to be properly seduced.
‘Escalator’
This was actually the first thing that occurred to me when I found and read your blog. The celibacy thing threw me for a loop. I’ve never met a celibate girl, especially one so overtly sexual.
Relationships are easy pre-sex, because you both are riding the waves of sexual tension. Back before I got into PUA, I dated some virgins where we didn’t have sex the first 2-3 months of the relationship. These periods were a BREEZE because the amount of sexual tension was through the roof.
Later on, when I began coaching, I learned that this sexual tension (something us PUA’s try to create as fast as possible with girls in field) is actually, literally endorphins running in your brain. Endorphins are released by a lot of things: chocolate, weightlifting, skydiving, orgasms, and certain narcotics. You’re literally getting “high” on the increasing expectations you build with a person. The blissful feelings, the insane happiness when that person and you are together, etc., etc.
Not that sex takes this away, but sex does something else: it makes you vulnerable. ESPECIALLY as a woman, you’re COMPLETELY vulnerable emotionally. This vulnerability and fear can kill that high pretty fast.
But this is the thing. I read these marriage proposals in other parts of your blog, and I didn’t know who I wanted to kick more: the guy for giving them or you for revelling in them. I’m sure as a woman, it’s THE ULTIMATE compliment to have a guy do that.
But it’s insane. I have no idea what these guys are thinking. And the thing is, they’re not. They’re wallowing in the throes of this sexual tension with you, completely high out of their minds in it, and have yet to face any serious vulnerabilities in themselves or in you in the relationship.
I don’t know you very well at all, but my two cents is to have sex. The sexual tension and these blissful feelings still exist, they just exist with a deeper (and more scary) reality of relationships.
As for society, I think we’re becoming MORE sexual. And I think that’s a good thing. I think many problems within American society in particular, can be attributed to general sexual ignorance and repression throughout our population.
It’s fun. It feels great. It’s the ultimate expression of physicality, the vessel to transmit our deepest emotions, and our most basic and natural instinct.
So I say fuck it (no pun intended). Do it. :)
http://entropy4.blogspot.com