The Erotic Language of Feelings: Can You Hold All of a Woman’s Emotions?

“Are you listening?”

That may be the most important question any of us can ask ourselves.

Shhhh … I’m going to let you in on a little secret that very few men understand.

There is a language that everyone around you, whether they are aware of it or not, is speaking all the time … this is the language of emotions.

What is the quickest way to lose your connection with a woman (or not make a connection in the first place)? Go up into your head. Start arguing logic with her. Tell her that the feelings she has expressed to you are not “logical.” Make every effort you can to be “right.”

Would you rather be “right” or would you rather get and keep the girl?

Many of us have a reflex when we feel scared or angry to become defensive and start arguing with the other person, from our heads. But this is virtually never effective for enhancing connection.

I feel moved to share a thread from Rori Raye’s blog that shows some intense emotions. It also shows the difference between logic and emotions, how logic tends to amp up conflict and lead to disconnection, and how “feelings” language tends to soften everything back up again and lead to reconnection.

My admiration to Gone Savage, who stuck with it on this thread despite the fact that he is almost the only male poster on Rori’s blog.

For the guys: would you be able to hold all of a woman’s emotions? What if she said she felt disgusted and revolted in her communications with you? Would you take it personally, or would you see it as the gift that it is … ?

If a woman expresses extremely negative and painful emotions to you (and they were triggered by things you did or said), you have two choices: you can become defensive. Or you can feel very, very flattered that she felt safe enough to express those deepest parts of herself with you.

If you are able to hear and respond non-reactively to a woman’s emotions, you are so far ahead in the game of seduction, it’s ridiculous. As soon as she expresses a negative feeling like disgust, if you are able to hold it without collapsing, she will immediately feel less disgusted and more connected to you again.

Watch as things shift on the Rori thread. It moves from intense, nearly-disconnecting conflict to … you’re not going to believe this … a highly connected and erotic conversation … which, I might add, has continued today off-blog.

And this happened within a matter of minutes. What changed? We moved from logic to emotions and “feelings” language. That’s it. Simple.

As soon as we did that, my entire body softened. I felt heard and understood again. I felt like I could breathe again. And then I suddenly felt highly aroused.

“Change her mood, not her mind.”

You’ll see if you read the thread – language of feelings.

Logic is overrated. Feelings are our link to each other … and to the Divine. :-)

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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    No, emotional manipulation is when you do something to take advantage of a person… it has a negative tendency..

    Change her mood, not her mind… means put the woman in a good mood if you want her to feel better… don't try to convince her to feel better… just DO something to make her feel better… especially like a joke… I love it when I

  2. Anonymous says:

    ""Change her mood, not her mind."

    isn't that emotional manipulation?

  3. I think I get it. If a man "claims" you, you need to know that he can weather any emotional storm you – inadvertent as it may be – may throw at him. If he can't, how strong is his claim after all?

    Right track?

  4. Daria, I'm with you …

    And … guys, please realize that if she is "freaking out" and having a major tantrum, especially if this is not her usual style, what it means is nothing more and nothing less than that something (which may or may not have anything to do with you) has touched very deep pain inside her.

    What she needs is to feel that pain fully so that

  5. Daria,

    lol, "you don't have to be a POST."

  6. Breaking down in front of others is not the "sharing of emotions" I was talking about…

    what I mean by sharing an emotion is a plain spoken

    "I feel upset… or I feel happy.. or I feel angry"

    not a tantrum or a breakdown or an attack

    This is crucial to communication. However, a really enlightened man can recognize and hold even the

  7. Anonymous says:

    I'm not sure if someone expressing their emotions in your presence is always a gift. Emotions happen all the time, left and right, between strangers, and between co-workers. If a co-worker flips out or breaks down in the presence of others, sometimes it's just timing. It's just randomness, and tipping points.

    This is a must understand, while discussing all of these

  8. Dan –

    yes… holding space for her emotions means pretty much letting her express them without you freaking out or going into defense, withrawing or blaming…

    sometimes guys I have talked to do this by being quiet, pausing, then expressing their thoughts…

    I dono about the he's a fixed point, shes wildly rafting thing… that doesn't resonate with me

  9. Anonymous says:


    It also sounds like this could be slippery footing here. Meaning, if one's not careful while holding space, they could easily slip and slide into "saving" mode. And one should NOT under any circumstances try save someone else emotionally (man or woman).

    Note: It's perfectly okay to physically save someone, and by this I mean reach out and keep

  10. Anonymous says:

    Thanks. From your other post I now know what you may mean by collapsing, basically arguing or reasoning. And from that other post this is close to what I'm looking for in terms of understanding holding space, but the way it's described it's still a little mysterious:

    "The second man (who I later found out was a coach) connected with me through my sadness. He used

  11. Dan_Brodribb says:

    I'm not sure if this will help you, Dan, but becoming more emotionally connected and expressive isn't something you do to get girls.

    You do it because it makes you more effective as a human being.

    When I know what I'm feeling and what I want, it makes it easier for me to set a direction for myself both in relationships and in life in general.

    And when

  12. Johnny_PUA says:


  13. "Try not to judge either side as wrong — just different.

    Even if you identify strongly with one side, try exploring the other, and especially the space in between.

    You recognize the opposites and enjoy that they exist."

    GoneSavage – I appreciate you expounding on this, but you must be more advanced than me because I don't understand what you're

  14. I think, if the man is even a little bit engaged, a woman can move him into feelings pretty quickly…

    either to his own feelings, or to hearing and feeling her feelings

    That would have to be a woman that "knows what she's doing" or is really into her feelings…

    I Think if guys learned to do this on their own – Hold The Space for a Woman's

  15. Hey Todd,

    Does this help? Check out the comment thread on this post, where Hristiyan talks about how Dan was able to hold space:

    Btw, in case it's not obvious already, this process for me has nothing to do with putting women on a pedestal or having a man "cater" to a

  16. GoneSavage says:

    "Where is the man in all of this?"

    The MAN has to recognize his true nature without being bound to it. You can be true to yourself and still seek to live between the opposites.

    This is not logic vs emotion, this is not masculine vs feminine, or action vs reaction.

    Try not to judge either side as wrong — just different.

    Even if you

  17. I wanted to share an excerpt from a newsletter that I received from Jon Bernie, who is an accomplished healer in San Francisco. I've worked with him personally, and have never seen anyone be able to move people so quickly out of their heads and into Presence as he does.

    He says this:

    " Teachings – Being The Feeling

    Q. I don’t get this idea of being the

  18. Mmmm … is Dan feeling triggered reading this post?

    "The desire to move to emotion-based communication caters to the woman's needs pretty much completely."

    Is that so? You tell me … where is the man in all this?


  19. I'm all for taking responsibility for what I bring to a relationship, and I feel I understand that being responding non-reactively to women is absolutely essential.

    But on the other hand, this sounds an awfully lot like an easy rationalization for a woman to behave in any way she wants.

    You feel disgusted and revolted? Thank you so much for deigning to communicate your

  20. Anonymous says:

    "if you are able to hold it without collapsing, she will immediately feel less disgusted and more connected to you again."

    I think I know what you mean, but what's a specific, vivid and, visceral example of this?

    Todd Lannis

  21. GoneSavage says:

    I like this post a lot. Virtually all of it resonates. Especially this:

    "If a woman expresses extremely negative and painful emotions to you (and they were triggered by things you did or said), you have two choices: you can become defensive. Or you can feel very, very flattered that she felt safe enough to express those deepest parts of herself with you."


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