The Difference Between the Guy I Almost Have Sex With and the Guy I Actually Have Sex With

Wow, I just realized this really needs to be a topic for the book. Why? Because although my decision-making process is definitely not representative of all women, I do think it’s fairly representative of how high self-esteem women make this decision.

And … I see a lot of guys who are able to create enough attraction and comfort to get a girl almost there … but not all the way. Sometimes this is because they are not doing enough leading. Sometimes we just haven’t yet had enough contact or time together. But more often it happens for a fundamental reason that I’ve never seen anyone write about: in the process of creating attraction, they undermined trust.

Examples of this are too much aloofness or playing hard to get, too much trying to be Mr. High Value, too much active disinterest, too much rough teasing, or miscalibrated disclaimers. (It’s ok to playfully disqualify yourself to create attraction, but it’s important not to do it in a way that undermines her faith in the fabric of your connection.)

I sometimes find myself in the situation of still feeling attraction for a guy, and even still being fond of him, but having emotionally written him off as someone I could trust with deeper feelings and levels of connection. In which case, no matter how attracted to him I am, and no matter how intriguing he is, I won’t feel comfortable having sex with him. End of story.

There is a female analog. That silly book The Rules I think teaches girls to be “mysterious” and aloof. I once heard a wise dating coach say, “Play those sorts of games if you want. Be as mysterious as you like. The problem is that you’re going to be so mysterious that you won’t have a relationship.

If you’re too cool for school, and making yourself intentionally unavailable, etc., or playing games of any kind, you’re not going to be able to have intimacy.

The truth that most people don’t realize is that there is nothing so intriguing and engagingly mysterious as becoming completely vulnerable and allowing another person to see into your soul.

Yes, a very interesting topic indeed.


Anyway … as many of you know, I am writing an e-book — Erika’s Definitive Woo Woo Guide to Seducing Beautiful Girls. I would love your ideas and feedback about what would make the book most valuable to you. You can give this to me either in the comments section on this blog (EFT Tapping Video products from Erika Awakening), or by participating in the poll that I’ve created in the right-hand margin of this blog. (In the right-hand margin, you can also subscribe or sign up to follow this blog.)

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Very astute commentary Erika- trust and intimacy are entertwined, and establishing comfort is tantamount.

  2. Hello Erika,
    I enjoy reading your blog as you are coming into your own within the “seduction community”. I feel as though you aren’t qualified to write a e-book and I believe that it will just contribute to the information overflow “newbies” are already experiencing

  3. To be brief, I completely agree. There needs to be a certain level of transparency.

    And yes, it should be talked about in your Woo Woo book.

  4. Hello Erika,

    I just stumbled across your blog and this content is so insightful. And this post relates to me and a lot of other intermediate pua’s, who go on dates and can’t “seal the deal.”

    Naturally we look to get women in bed as fast as possible (recommended by community) to get passed this social mask that we create and see the real person. But in learning pick-up, we are so concerned about hitting attraction switches and getting compliance into seduction, that we are completely disingenuous in our intent.

    I would love to hear more about these two topics in specific:

    -being comfortable enough with yourself and conscious enough that you don’t play any games

    -being on the lookout for win/win situations for both of us


  5. Erika,

    You’re welcome. Likewise. I’m really starting to appreciate this blog.

    On an additional note … I once spent an evening with a girl who was evidently confused by the difference between the boring and the mysterious. After about and hour and a half to two hours, we settled down for a movie. I was wondering to myself “oh god, I hope she leaves me alone after this.” About 20 minutes into the movie, I heard her breathing change, and turned to look at her. Her eyes were closed, and this wave of relaxation flowed over her face. It was so out of character for her, I wasn’t sure she was ok, so I leaned forward and realized I was witnessing her falling asleep. Breathing deeply as all the tension and expression drained from her, it was incredibly beautiful, incredibly attractive. You could literally see her letting go of herself as she drifted deeper into sleep.

    She was actually giving more emotional value while her entire personality was “off-line” than when she was awake.

    I now wonder if she had been able to set the static of her personality aside and do the same thing with her eyes awake and open … would that have been just as intimate?

  6. EroticRockstar says:

    Erika, this is great. I’m really glad you’re writing about this. Trust and intimacy are huge. Let me know how I can support you Erika.
    Much love and respect,

  7. Thank you, Michael, for sharing such an intimate story, and for making the power of vulnerability so clear :-)

    I hope to see you on the blog more often …

  8. “There is a female analog. That silly book The Rules I think teaches girls to be “mysterious” and aloof. I once heard a wise dating coach say, “Play those sorts of games if you want. Be as mysterious as you like. The problem is that you’re going to be so mysterious that you won’t have a relationship.”

    I’d like to raise a toast to this comment. There is a huge difference between being mysterious and being boring. Giving value of mysteriousness is one thing, giving no value and calling it something valuable is another. It’s an inter-action, after all.

    “…there is nothing so intriguing and engagingly mysterious as becoming completely vulnerable and allowing another person to see into your soul.”

    I once knew a beautiful young woman that I can only describe as fathomless. She was the most fathomless woman I have ever known. She followed this quote of your to a tee. The thing was, that because her soul was boundary-less, the more I saw of it, saw into it, the more it was obvious how there was more that wasn’t yet seen.

    I’ve never met a woman more mysterious than her. It haunts me to this day.

  9. Hi Erika,

    I’m the infamous Big Daddy.

    You know…the one banned by Mehow for providing too much PREMIUM content for free.

    I never charge for my wisdom, but I keep some secret.

    Anyway, you can follow me on twitter.

    Username: BigDaddy777

    You’ll almost instantly recognize that I have more game COMBINED than all TEN of the PUA’s you know personally…

    Big Daddy

  10. holy crap dude.
    totally missed that post.

    err- umm- you can delete my last post.

    well; congrats on doing the deed.

  11. Dear Bob,

    Welcome to the blog, and lol :-)

    Perhaps you missed it honey. I just spent five days having sex, and it was quite nice thank you very much.

    Thanks for being such a good listener ;-)


  12. hi Mystery Girl,

    Yes, you are right. Assuming that the guy has already created attraction (and most guys either create or don’t create this very early in our interactions)…

    What I’m looking for is whether I am consistently feeling good in my interactions with him … is he responsive, is he true to his word, is he comfortable enough with himself and conscious enough that he doesn’t play any games, is he sincerely interested in my passions and in me in a person and on the lookout for win/win situations for both of us. Basically a really solid guy who has integrity and is there for me.

    What I see way too much of is guys not understanding that once the connection is established and she is showing interest in him, running too much attraction game will generally backfire.

    Sometimes it’s an overgaming calibration thing, but honestly part of it IMO is that both society at large and the seduction community are not yet teaching guys (or girls for that matter) enough intimacy skills. I get the sense that guys don’t understand all the horizons that are available with really deep connection and clear honest communication. Those horizons include much deeper friendships as well as much deeper sexual relationships. Without intimacy skills, a guy in his quest to avoid being an AFC, or a guy scared that “intimacy” means loss of his freedom, will inadvertently push a girl away with all this crap.

    We need to teach people how to have intimacy!! Intimacy with everyone in their lives!!

    So that’s my rant for today ;-)


  13. Mystery Girl says:

    Thank you, Erika, for finally getting to trust … it really is the bottom line …

    It’s the sexiest … bottom line … ever!

  14. Tell us what it’s like to “feel what we feel.” You know, the principle that men generally create state and women draw state from their environment.

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