It took me a long time to get here, it has been a long letting go process. I have been mostly celibate for years. I have been in the seduction community now for more than two years.
What I’m about to say may not be well received by some, but that hardly matters …
I have watched for years now as men come to the community to torture themselves — mentally, emotionally, physically, and otherwise — all in pursuit of sex. Forgetting all along that sex is not a goal. And what they really want is not sex.
What they really want is Happiness, Empowerment, and Peace.
And just today I realized, I too have been confused and worried and going in circles trying to make sense of sex and where it fits in to what I do as a healer … only to conclude, at the end of the day, that …
Sex is nothing.
It has no value.
It will not get anyone what they want. It is not necessary for emotional connection. It is not necessary for beautiful relationships. It is not worth the slightest worry or concern. It can be tossed lightly aside because …
Sex is nothing.
It’s not worth having. It’s not worth avoiding. It’s not worth spending any energy on it at all.
And I wanted to share a passage from A Course in Miracles (Manual for Teachers), which really clarified this for me today, as I realized that my ever increasing happiness has not come from accumulating things in the world. It has not come from investing in the world or any of its offerings. I have become happier and happier by … letting the world go …
Not everyone is ready yet to hear this message. For those who are, I offer you this:
What Is the Real Meaning of Sacrifice?
Although in truth the term sacrifice is altogether meaningless, it does have meaning in the world. Like all things in the world, its meaning is temporary and will ultimately fade into the nothingness from which it came when there is no more use for it. Now its real meaning is a lesson. Like all lessons it is an illusion, for in reality there is nothing to learn. Yet this illusion must be replaced by a corrective device; another illusion that replaces the first, so both can finally disappear. The first illusion, which must be displaced before another thought system can take hold, is that it is a sacrifice to give up the things of this world. What could this be but an illusion, since this world itself is nothing more than that?
It takes great learning both to realize and to accept the fact that the world has nothing to give. What can the sacrifice of nothing mean? It cannot mean that you have less because of it. There is no sacrifice in the world’s terms that does not involve the body. Think a while about what the world calls sacrifice. Power, fame, money, physical pleasure; who is the “hero” to whom all these things belong? Could they mean anything except to a body? Yet a body cannot evaluate. By seeking after such things the mind associates itself with the body, obscuring its Identity and losing sight of what it really is.
Once this confusion has occurred, it becomes impossible for the mind to understand that all the “pleasures” of the world are nothing. But what a sacrifice,–and it is sacrifice indeed!–all this entails. Now has the mind condemned itself to seek without finding; to be forever dissatisfied and discontented; to know not what it really wants to find. Who can escape this self-condemnation? Only through God’s Word could this be possible. For self-condemnation is a decision about identity, and no one doubts what he believes he is. He can doubt all things, but never this.
God’s teachers can have no regret on giving up the pleasures of the world. Is it a sacrifice to give up pain? Does an adult resent the giving up of children’s toys? Does one whose vision has already glimpsed the face of Christ look back with longing on a slaughter house? No one who has escaped the world and all its ills looks back on it with condemnation. Yet he must rejoice that he is free of all the sacrifice its values would demand of him. To them he sacrifices all his peace. To them he sacrifices all his freedom. And to possess them must he sacrifice his hope of Heaven and remembrance of his Father’s Love. Who in his sane mind chooses nothing as a substitute for everything?
What is the real meaning of sacrifice? It is the cost of believing in illusions. It is the price that must be paid for the denial of truth. There is no pleasure of the world that does not demand this, for otherwise the pleasure would be seen as pain, and no one asks for pain if he recognizes it. It is the idea of sacrifice that makes him blind. He does not see what he is asking for. And so he seeks it in a thousand ways and in a thousand places, each time believing it is there, and each time disappointed in the end. “Seek but do not find” remains this world’s stern decree, and no one who pursues the world’s goals can do otherwise.
You may believe this course requires sacrifice of all you really hold dear. In one sense this is true, for you hold dear the things that crucify God’s Son, and it is the course’s aim to set him free. But do not be mistaken about what sacrifice means. It always means the giving up of what you want. And what, O teacher of God, is it that you want? You have been called by God, and you have answered. Would you now sacrifice that Call? Few have heard it as yet, and they can but turn to you. There is no other hope in all the world that they can trust. There is no other voice in all the world that echoes God’s. If you would sacrifice the truth, they stay in hell. And if they stay, you will remain with them.
Do not forget that sacrifice is total. There are no half sacrifices. You cannot give up Heaven partially. You cannot be a little bit in hell. The Word of God has no exceptions. It is this that makes it holy and beyond the world. It is its holiness that points to God. It is its holiness that makes you safe. It is denied if you attack any brother for anything. For it is here the split with God occurs. A split that is impossible. A split that cannot happen. Yet a split in which you surely will believe, because you have set up a situation that is impossible. And in this situation the impossible can seem to happen. It seems to happen at the “sacrifice” of truth.
Teacher of God, do not forget the meaning of sacrifice, and remember what each decision you make must mean in terms of cost. Decide for God, and everything is given you at no cost at all. Decide against Him, and you choose nothing, at the expense of the awareness of everything. What would you teach? Remember only what you would learn. For it is here that your concern should be. Atonement is for you. Your learning claims it and your learning gives it. The world contains it not. But learn this course and it is yours. God holds out His Word to you, for He has need of teachers. What other way is there to save His Son?
Youre just projecting your fucked up issues with men onto others and your own guilt around sex. Just like religious bullshit.
Could be. I’ve now chosen to be celibate until marriage.
Been without sex for 30 years, its been the best 30 years of my life.
Erika, you said:
“I have watched for years now as men come to the community to torture themselves — mentally, emotionally, physically, and otherwise — all in pursuit of sex.”
Yep, that surely what many men try to do – and suffer dearly for it.
But isn’t it the same for women? Women torture themselves all in pursuit of love…
And, in case of women, would your statement, changed into
” Forgetting all along that ….love…. is not a goal. And what they really want is not ….love….”
be correct as well?
Wow.. I really needed this article today Erika. I know my post is a little late, but I still felt the need to extend my gratitude your way.
This article made my head spin.. in a good way. Lately I’ve been placing WAY too much focus on physical gratification and basically zero focus on actual connections with people.
It just been recent that I started noticing that the women who I’ve been pursuing sexual can feel that energy of “just wanting sex from them”. That’s because that WAS my hidden motive. Trying to fake the connection to get sex. I find that it’s incredibly frustrating to want something and feel the need to hide it, but the other person can see right through the b.s and then proceeding to give you an honest signal by cutting you out of their life.
I think it’s a very desperate and insecure way I was living my life, probably still in a way I’m doing something like that due to a lack of understanding or alternative choice of what I’m really seeking.
Your article makes a ton of sense, but I feel really confused and hopeful at the same time.
Now the question is how do I identify and clear up my limiting beliefs that are holding me in a slump & how do I specify what it is that I really want that will lead me down the path of ACTUAL long term durable fulfillment?
I like how Matt said what he wanted. But I find it to be incredibly challenging to find durable fulfillment.
Matt and Bruce, my gratitude for your kind words … I feel so happy to know that these articles are resonating :)
I can feel the transformative power of your words, I pray for grace to live into them….with gratitude….
Loved this post. As the Course states, paraphrased, ask only for what you truly want. Everything else follows from that. I used to get all wrapped around the axle with manifestation (Law of Attraction stuff), but what I realized is that all I really want is joy. All I really want is peace. All I really want is connection, day in and day out. Everything else is simply an outgrowth of that… and it is always perfect because the focus is on what I really desire, beyond all else.
Leaving the religious/spiritual aspect of it aside (although that too is an interesting discussion) , I think this article raises up a very important point in the seduction arena. Many men, specially from the Seduction Community, seek women and sex, thinking they will find happiness *through* them.
From what people that achieved a *very* intense sexual life say, that doesn´t seem to happen. And it is not necessary to get there to realize this.
For a long period of time, before getting to the point they think will make they feel happy, they feel frustrated and sad. They are giving too much value to sex (some, even considering the intensity of the sexual life as a defining factor of their identity as man), a value that does not match with reality. They are not “seeing the world as it is” (from my experience, when working our limiting beliefs regarding women/relationships.. even on any other area, this is *essential*).
It´s not healthy, wise, or correct, to place the burden of *our* happiness as man, in the shoulders of another person, in this case, women. The relationship (doesn´t matter the type) with the women (including sex here) will be only one factor, of a “n” number of factors in our life.
Personally, I am constantly working to improve my success with women, relationships and my social skills. But that doesn´t mean my identity as a man is in any way affected, or my happiness as a human being. At least, I work to not let this happen, *grins*.
Never has this passage from the Tao Te Ching had more meaning for me than it does today …
Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.
Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
They receive recognition.
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, “Yield and overcome.”
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.
Sex is the very nature of our hardwiring and biological function,. Without sex we would have no babies and soon no humans.
Now there are different forms of sex. Procreational, for connection, for healing and for spiritual enlightenment.
I believe that never are we closer to God( the universe) than when we are having conscious tantric sexual union.
And I agree that spending time trying to get laid for the sake of getting laid is a waste of time. But that;s getting laid.. not the sex im talking about.
Sex will not make you happy, even conscious sex, unless your personal foundation is already intact. IE, you have to be happy already to have amazing sex.
I love my clients! :) :) :)
one of the most cathartic blog posts I’ve ever written … Feels sooooo good :)
I agree with Erika. Sex is like money. It’s not enough to make you happy. It’s just the exchange of energy in the physical world. As a man, I had long believed that regular, satisfying sex would make me a much happier guy. Well, it’s not true. The pursuit of sex for the purpose of becoming happier will drive you mad. The irony is that if you can let sex go as a need, the opportunities for having sex in your life will only increase… Likewise if you follow your dharma in life, then your opportunities for financial income will also increase. Find your inner Buddha. Or as I say, your inner dude.
True, but I still highly disagree that it’s not worth having. I mean you don’t need it, but it is highly pleasurable.
So too would you say a Ferrari is not worth having just because you can get by in a Honda?
How lovely that you write this. I find this inspiring and insightful.
Please leave this out of our sessions. k thanks :)
Remember the paradox … Realizing it’s nothing means you recognize you are whole without it … ‘Be really whole, and all things will come to you …’ ;)
I think I know where you are coming from Erika (I really hope I’m right :) ). It’s so true that many guys out there push themselves beyond means just to get into this supposedly blissful world full of sex, but the paradox is that they never reach it (I used to be), so they are miserable most of the time. However, when focusing on your passion and purpose and healing at the same time, everything should come in place. I think sex IS important, but only when everything is aligned and in its place (like connection).
Sounds good if Erika agrees we can resume our sessions. Thanks guys.
Seriously though. If a girl can’t hangout with me and enjoy my company after sex and vice versa then the sexual relationship never lasts anyway.