How a girl keeps a guy around Part II – a more satisfying answer

I want to add some more to yesterday’s answers about how to keep a guy around. Most of what I’ve written on this blog so far is advice for guys, or directed at inner game. Although much of it applies equally to girls, I’m still finding ways to articulate my own experience and knowledge in a way that other people will find helpful.

One of the commenters found the “intuition” answer a little unsatisfying, so let’s say this:

Attraction is not something you do, it’s something you are or become.

Here’s the paradox. Attraction is of the heart. It is the natural magnetism of one heart for another heart. The very moment that a girl (or guy) starts thinking about what is going to be attractive to another person, she has moved out of her heart and into her head, and has disconnected from the very source of attraction itself, which is love.

This is why I focus on inner game. We are not adding tricks and gimmicks. We are stripping away layers of mind chatter and nonsense so that our inner essence of femininity will naturally shine through. We are not wearing sexy clothes and standing in strategic locations to attract attention. We wear clothes that feel good. We sit in places that feel good. We clean up our belief system about men so that men can FEEL that we love and adore them.

Honestly, I have way more guys randomly walking up to talk to me now that I don’t focus on it at all than I did a few years ago when I was focused on meeting a guy.

Now, if you are an outside observer, here are some of the qualities that a girl is going to have if she does the inner game work I talk about on this blog. But again, if I “try” to do these things in order to attract a man, they won’t work. These are qualities that come about naturally when a woman is in tune with her intuition:

Unpredictability/sense of adventure: Following rules and decorum is very predictable and … BORING. When following intuition, a girl is never going to be predictable. Thus, she is more interesting and challenging.

Radical authenticity: This is a key part of congruence. When a girl is willing to say things out loud that most people are too scared to say, she becomes more attractive. Guys love honesty, especially when it has a tiny bit of an edge to it.

Positive beliefs about men: I love guys, and that is obvious to everyone around me. Our belief systems are telegraphed to other people. Probably the absolute most important thing a woman can do is clean up her belief system as it relates to men.

Clear sense of what she wants and doesn’t want: A woman who is acting from presence is deeply in touch with her own feelings. Thus, for example, if she’s on a date and the guy wants to go “Dutch” (which happens to be one of my own pet peeves), she will immediately register this at the level of feelings and speak up. A lack of chivalry kills romantic attraction for me, pretty much immediately and completely. For example (this goes back to radical authenticity), I might say: “I don’t mind paying for myself, but chivalry in dating is really important to me, so that will mean this is purely platonic for me.” (Note I make it all about me, and not about him. It’s still his choice to do what he wants, I’m just letting him know how that is going to affect my choices.)

Another example is sex. A woman who is acting from presence knows what she wants and doesn’t want. For example, I have zero interest in casual sex. I have zero interest in having sex with a guy who is not committed to me. Guys find it way more attractive that I speak up about this and don’t just “go along with things” so as “not to make waves.”

Eye contact and smiling: The intention behind an action is more important than the action itself. Eye contact and smiling are a perfect example of this. When I make eye contact with a guy, it’s not to “manipulate” him into coming to talk to me. But I do make eye contact with lots of people, men and women, everywhere I go, as a way of feeling connected with my world. And if I know a guy, then I make eye contact and smile as a way of refreshing that connection. So at the superconference, I saw a lot of guys that I had met before. Making eye contact and smiling feels like a very natural way of saying, non-verbally, “oh hello, it’s good to see you again.”

Passionate life purpose: Having something other than men that fires the girl up. The best way to connect at a deep level with guys, in my experience, is to share a passion with them. For me, for example, the seduction arts is a huge passion. So I naturally connect with guys who share that passion.

Sincere interest in other people: This can’t really be faked, so it’s related to “passionate life purpose.” When a girl is deeply interested in what the guy is talking about, she can vibe with him for a long time and the energy will never drain out of the conversation. It’s more challenging when talking with people where a shared passion is not immediately identified, or where the other people are so out of touch with their own aliveness that they don’t even know what their passions are (sometimes referred to as “the walking dead”). But those aren’t guys I’m going to be interested in dating anyway. In those situations, I do as much as I can to help the other person get in touch with some aspect of their own passion.

Femininity: The willingness to be a woman. To be soft and warm. To wear soft, flowing clothes. Skirts and long hair and lipstick and perfume. To let a guy pay for dinner and make plans.

Receptivity/openness/inviting vibe: The willingness to let a guy’s energy come toward her, whether that’s in the form of touch or romantic interest or flirtation, etc. A lot of women have tons of defenses without even realizing it, and men bounce right off them. A woman who has cleaned up her belief system about men has a natural curiosity and openness.

Playfulness/laughter: This comes naturally once the belief system has been cleaned up. The willingness to play and laugh with men is incredibly important. This generates chemistry and shared bonding experiences.

Internally validated: The woman’s self-esteem is not dependent on what the guy says or does. Period.

Observing ego: When I get upset, it’s never the guy’s fault. It’s important that women learn how to communicate negative feelings in a non-accusatory way. As a relationship deepens, this may in fact be the MOST important quality of all that a girl can have.

For all of this, nothing is more important than the belief system. Cleaning up a person’s belief system is going to be a big part of my upcoming e-book Spiritual Seduction.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Puavictim says:

    wow, awesome post! I love it!!! The discussion is awesome. Enjoyed reading every comment just as I enjoyed reading the post.
    As far as the comments, everybody had good points, and I truly mean that. GoneSavage… damn, you described every stage I went through in my relationship. I am in stage 3. Please ease up on Erica with the “chivalry”. She knows what she wants and she goes for it, and I

  2. I work with a woman who exemplifies several of the things in your post, and I have to say it is tremendously attractive. Men are drawn to her something fierce. Her feelings and way about her leak down into her body language even. It’s a great pleasure to be around her and bask in the way she has about her. For me, it almost feels restorative.

    A story comes to me about having

  3. Anonymous says:

    how about chivalry in a long term relationships not the first 2,3 dates.


  4. Anonymous says:

    I read your post but not all the comments. First of all it seems everything you write is contradictory. Your a girl trying to behave rationally and a pua that can’t close.everything I read generates an auto eye roll response.

  5. Dan (the real one) says:

    Makes sense Entropy – I don’t have anything against chivalry (like I said I think it’s a neutral force). If you had purposely avoided paying probably would have lead down an awkward path.

    Erika – I’d love to hear more about this issue from the female perspective, because obviously the feelings it generates in women can be a very important thing.

    By the way other Dan – can’t you

  6. Hahaha, I actually had to look up chivalry in the dictionary. Did you know it’s related to the word chevalier? And the useage of the word in different meanings goes back to the 14th century? Wow. Some definitions were: courtesy, honor, and gallantry, gentlemanliness, politeness, politesse, generosity.

    Hell, these days, we’ve got so many guys out there in public who act like they

  7. Holy shit, where did all of these comments come from?

    I’m only going to comment on the chivalry thing because I think it’s getting blown WAAAAAY out of proportion here.

    As a man who took Erika on dates, and as a man who doesn’t typically do the chivalry thing, I think I can make some observations about what she means.

    I’m typically not chivalrous at all with girls (I

  8. oh yeah, and by the way, Erika, I have been on occasion been told I have a strong feminine polarity.

    I’m not bothered by it so much anymore, but used to upset me so much the only way I could cheer myself up was going out and buying a new pair of shoes.

  9. I’ve been following this thread with interest.

    I read Gone Savage’s blog and I think: “He’s a trouble-making douchebag, hiding his sleaze behind semantics and pretty sounding words.”

    I read Erika’s blog and I think: “She’s a passive-agressive hypocrite, making judgmments from behind her NVC shield.”

    And yet…

    I’ve never met either of them. The only thing I

  10. Oh, I can explain it plenty, and probably will on a future blog post, but I’m out of time right now. What I’m saying is that its importance is not logical, it’s emotional. It’s a masculine/feminine polarity thing for me, it’s also an abundance thing. A guy with an abundance mentality in my experience ENJOYS taking a girl out to dinner and drinks. He enjoys giving to her. Of course I give back to

  11. This is quite interesting to me – you seem so “open” and focused on substantive men and can point to all of these things you try to do and things you look for, but when it comes to paying for a meal, you have the same standards as a 17-year-old high school girl and can’t explain it logically.

  12. @ Anonymous 7:20 am;

    My dear, have you forgotten that you are talking to someone who cannot hear judgments? Let’s list yours here:


    It’s your life, but if you’re open to it, I highly suggest converting each of those judgments into your own feelings and needs (

    To be clear, I am in no way suggesting

  13. Anonymous says:

    “Anyhoo, McSavage, honey, you know I love you and … rather than hear your diagnoses of me (which are not really landing with me), I would much rather hear you go deep and tell us why (it seems) this issue is so triggering for you”

    Wow, what a smug, self-righteous thing to say. Erika you’ve just shown your true colors.

    Even a fool can see through your feeble attempt to avoid

  14. Anonymous says:

    “But yes, it’s a must have for me. This is not a logical thing, it’s an emotional thing. It feels deeply tied to my femininity. I’ve tried to reason my way out of it, and there’s no reasoning with it. So when guys are not chivalrous, I still like them as people, I’ll still be friends with them, but no I won’t date them.

    Well instead of speaking in ambiguous terms and throwing blank

  15. Giggle! Diagnosis 911! You guys are sooooo funny!!! Love it!! And “gender-based entitlement” … wow! What a mouthful that one is, whew. Hot topic sho ‘nuff. “Midas pussy syndrome” … hahaha! Omg!!!

    “… your whole post describes how you project your femininity, but not necessarily how to win and keep a man.” You know, for me, I find projecting that femininity is definitely one of

  16. Dan,

    Re your second comment, how is this vibe achieved?

    Ah yes, THAT is the subject matter of the upcoming e-book. I can’t give away all my secrets on this blog ;-)


  17. Oh, Dan, I am so sad …

    Anyhoo, McSavage, honey, you know I love you and … rather than hear your diagnoses of me (which are not really landing with me), I would much rather hear you go deep and tell us why (it seems) this issue is so triggering for you.

    Dan, you are right that chivalry can be done “right” and “wrong.” But yes, it’s a must have for me. This is not a logical

  18. By the way, for all of the talk about presence and vibe, I’d be anxious to hear your take on how this is achieved. I believe in the power of inner game as much as you, probably, but how is a “vibe” cultivated?

  19. I agree with a lot of what GoneSavage says, particularly with the David Deida stuff. I think wealth is enormously attractive to women if it means that the man’s financially free and has arrived there on his path; not if he’s super anxious to foot the bill. I think you (Erika) might be ignoring how incredibly manipulative and non-authentic chivalry can be. Honestly, it’s a neutral force. I

  20. GoneSavage says:

    Anonymous, I am glad you brought up the relational stages that David Deida talks about.

    (PS. Why anonymous? Doesn’t the system allow you to type in a name? I am starting to lose staying power for those who want remain anonymous. I just don’t have the stamina for casual encounters anymore.)

    This is a direct quotation:

    As a woman, you man find yourself growing through

  21. SMoKeLioN says:

    Now that I think about it, I went off on a tangent there and likely read too far into things, since I dont really personally know how sacred you treat your pussy.

  22. SMoKeLioN says:

    Gonesavage, I’ve heard rumours of the mcsavage, but that is like the whole fuckin value meal right there.

    Erika your whole post describes how you project your femininity, but not necessarily how to win and keep a man.

    Its like there are undertones of entitlement throughout it all. It seems like a lot of women who hold off on sex have sort of the midas-pussy syndrome…

  23. Wow, great comments. Really struck a nerve it seems … looks like "Money & Dating" might be a good topic for a future blog.

    Rup and Justin, thanks for your support and for recognizing that women need to have game, too.

    Anonymous 1 and 2, I'll write more about this later, but the short answer is yes I've had positive responses from guys being honest like

  24. GoneSavage says:

    Finally, some CONTENT on the blog! Each of these points really deserves a full post, but here are my gut reactions….

    >>>“Unpredictability/sense of adventure: Following rules and decorum is very predictable and … BORING.”

    Everything that you write after, contradicts this. You seem to have a lot of rules actually, including: I always speak my mind, I wear certain

  25. Anonymous says:

    HI Erika,

    I’m also loving these posts… Finally! Some conversation for the women about their inner game!

    Just one quickie about money and dating… David Deida talks about this right? First stage man, second and third stage men right? And there are first, second and third stage women or something like that!

    A man’s inner game about money is crucial to his having

  26. Anonymous says:

    Excellent post, i m gonna print it out!

    I have one criticism though, what do you mean by « chivalry », especially when it comes to money and what are your expectations monetary wise beyond the first date / first dinner?

    What in your eyes seem “fair” when it comes to expenses (going out, entertainment expenses, going on vacation, buying stuff for the house, bills, other

  27. Anonymous says:

    i second anonymous 11:09. that statement is a threat. you might try to call it something else, but a rose by any other name still smells the same. if a girl tried this with me, my immediate thought would be ‘gold-digger’ and i’d drop her faster than a hot potato.

  28. Anonymous says:

    “I don’t mind paying for myself, but chivalry in dating is really important to me, so that will mean this is purely platonic for me.”

    Has a guy ever responded well to this?

    I don’t know anything about non-violent communication, but when I hear something like that I feel like I’m getting blackmailed. No way I’d ever see the girl again.

  29. My favorite post you’ve written so far, good job! It’s SO true that women need game, and whatever bs Cosmo or whatever throws at them isn’t going to cut it.

  30. Been following your Blog for a while now…awesome post! I’m going to send the link out to all my girl friends..
    You nailed some major points!!! :)

    A real man wants be with a women who can help him grow in a positive way, and a woman can only do that if she’s very aware herself…

    Keep writing…we love your work :D

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