Deep Inner Game: How loving my kitten ruined my love life … and how this relates to your "sticking points"

This really is an article about the deepest inner game work a man (or woman) can do …

Be forewarned, this is a sad story. It has a hopeful ending though and broad applicability to whatever ails you … including the ever-popular topic of “sticking points” (those parts of pickup or dating that seem to frustrate you over and over again, no matter how much you try to change your old patterns).

So I hope you have the heart to keep reading.

The Sad Story about My Kitten

When I was four years old, we got a little kitten. His name was J.J., and he was a tiny little gray tabby with lynx markings on his forehead. I loved that little guy. We lived out in the woods with no neighbors nearby, so it was just me, my brother, and J.J.

One day my dad and I crossed the highway to do something in a field across the way. J.J. followed us. Later it was getting dark, so my dad said we should go home. We had lost track of J.J., so I said, “we need to find J.J.” But my dad said it was ok, he’d find his own way home.

Well, the next morning J.J. didn’t show up for his breakfast. I remember being so worried but hoping of course that he would come home. He wasn’t showing up though, so I asked my dad to come with me to look for him. Which we did. We went back down to the highway. And we found J.J.’s body down by the road. He had been hit by a car during the night. My dad, ever the rationalist, explained how animals sometimes get paralyzed by the lights of oncoming cars. (I love my dad very much, but wow could he have used some empathy training.)

We buried J.J. near our treehouse up in the yard.

The Impact of J.J.’s Death on My Young Life

Why am I telling you such a sad story when I’m supposed to be on a 30-day positivity challenge?

Because of course by the time I reached adulthood, I didn’t think about this story much. We had other cats who lived into their old age, and life went on.

It wasn’t until I started practicing Emotional Freedom Technique a few years ago that I finally realized what a profound impact J.J.’s death had on my life. Why? Because that trauma never got processed. I grew up in a family that didn’t have a good outlet for negative emotions like grief, guilt, and anger, so I bottled all those emotions up, and here were some of the beliefs that were built on top of that trauma:

* It’s not safe to fall in love (because the person or animal I love could be taken away at any time)
* It’s not safe for anyone to love me (because obviously I don’t know how to take care of people or animals that I love)
* I can’t be trusted to take care of someone else
* If I love someone a lot, they’ll probably be taken away from me, so better for me to keep my emotional distance
* It’s not safe for me to trust my dad (because I wanted him to help me find J.J., and he said J.J. would be ok, but J.J. wasn’t ok)
* It was my fault (I should have persuaded my dad to find J.J. and get him safely home)

Old Traumas and Emotional Freedom Technique

So in yesterday’s article, we talked about Eckhart Tolle and the pain-body. Here is what Tolle has to say about traumas stored in the body:

“The remnant of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not full faced, accepted, and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body.”

The traumas that are stored in our body usually represent extreme incidents where for some reason we never had the chance to feel the emotions and let them go. The solution, according to Tolle, is to FEEL your feelings:

“You can’t argue with what is. Well you can, but if you do, you suffer. Accepting [what you feel] means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the moment.”

Unfortunately, though, many of us have experienced traumas that were never fully felt and released. Either we grew up in a family where there were no tools for allowing emotions to be felt fully, or the traumatic event was too sudden and extreme, and we went into a state of shock.

Those emotions don’t go away. They sit there in our bodies, and they fester, as disruptions in our energy system. Over the years, we build new negative beliefs and new traumas on top of the energy disruptions that the original trauma created. These become karmic loops: the seemingly inescapable patterns that people fall into in their lives.

You know what I’m talking about: The relationship that always ends the same negative way. The person who always attracts the same type of “wrong-for-them” person. The addictive or self-punishing patterns that people get into and then can’t get themselves out of. All of these things are built on old traumas that were never released. And if we keep those toxic emotions around too long, they turn into chronic conditions and diseases.

Why Emotional Freedom Technique Is So Powerful

Like nothing else I’ve ever encountered, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) has the power to break people out of these patterns and free them from these painful old thoughts. For readers who are not familiar, EFT is a simple acupressure-based healing practice that involves tapping lightly on key acupressure points while tuning in to specific negative beliefs or memories.

EFT allows us to go back in time, and release the emotions. I’ve now “tapped” about the incident with J.J. several times, and more tears have flowed each time. I don’t remember if I cried when I was four years old, but somehow I don’t think so. Now I’ve finally been able to feel the grief and release it. I even tapped while writing this article as more layers of grief came to the surface.

Emotional Freedom Technique and “Sticking Points”

The reason I’m writing about this here is that I see a lot of people (both guys and girls) very frustrated that they seem to be reliving the same dating or relationship pattern over and over again. Kind of like Groundhog Day. There are many techniques for creating change in our lives, but frankly most of them are just too damn slow.

EFT is powerful because it works quickly. I would be willing to bet that nearly every “sticking point” a guy or girl has in his or her dating life originated in a trauma that happened way back when. Something that sounds silly now, like being picked last for a sports team. Or the day her mom took her sister shopping and left her behind. But do not underestimate the power of the subconscious mind. Children draw very strange conclusions from seemingly silly or trivial or long-ago events, and those beliefs become their reality. Many men and women are still holding on, at a subconscious level, to beliefs that were formed in response to these sorts of events.

To become free, we must let go of those old memories and old beliefs.

The ego had me in a chokehold until I discovered EFT. I hope everyone will try it out and see just how powerful it really is.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. How come you don’t do anything on inner child healing? I guess that’s what you mostly are talking about and doing but why do you call it Inner Game?

  2. Anonymous says:

    It is such a sad story but still will& deside to move forward , experience life which comes only by ourselves heals the past and make us free , am sure evb has positive energy but should develop it. Is absolutely true, i agree, is the deepest inner game work…

  3. Hey SMoKeLioN,

    Yeah, you make a good point. That’s why I’m looking forward to getting some videos out. So people can see for themselves, in a much more real way, how I work with people’s belief systems.

    When doing EFT, it’s amazing. You’ll be tapping, and a specific memory will come up, and the person will suddenly have a shooting physical pain, or they’ll start

  4. SMoKeLioN says:

    “I also have a brother who is a die-hard rationalist, skeptic, and negative thinker. Also with chronic pain. It has been painful and frustrating for me to watch him use his skepticism as a defense mechanism that blocks him from trying new things or making real changes in his life.”

    This is interesting. Ive grown up much the same way, (ie science this, logic that, etc) but I had my

  5. Anonymous says:

    sweet. thanks for taking a look, you didn’t sound too frustrated, and I appreciate your words back Erika. I’ll try it out.

  6. p.s. If I sound a little frustrated … I grew up in a very scientific-minded, rationalist family. I have degrees from two fancy universities.

    I also have a brother who is a die-hard rationalist, skeptic, and negative thinker. Also with chronic pain. It has been painful and frustrating for me to watch him use his skepticism as a defense mechanism that blocks him from trying new

  7. hi Sid,

    yeah, I read the links and I’ve seen the skepdic one before.

    what can I do other than shrug? This blog is not seeking to force anyone to try anything. It’s an invitation.

    I personally believe that our entire world is run by beliefs. The difference between EFT and other placebos is that EFT taps into the operating system and gives us access to the code

  8. Anonymous says:

    Sid back again.

    Thanks Erika. I will definitely check out the EFT thread you posted.

    I’m only a half skeptic, I just don’t know – I’m on the fence, I’m curious to see if it works, and at the same time I’m curious if you’ve actually read the other side’s claims and accounts.

    Did you visit the links I posted? Just curious.


  9. SMoKeLioN,

    Lol !! :-)

    There’s a lot of truth in that too!

  10. SMoKeLioN says:

    This is a good comfort piece.

    Routines manual 2? :) :) :P

  11. Actually, Anonymous 6.14 pm, I have everything to offer guys in the seduction community, especially the ones who are the most frustrated and dejected. Have a nice night.

  12. hi Sid,

    If you’d like to see real life examples of guys who were skeptical and then tried it and became believers, check out our epic EFT thread on RSDN:

    All I can say is skepticism is of the ego. Trust is of the higher self.

    When I first tried EFT, I thought it was the most bizarre thing ever. But it started working

  13. Anonymous says:

    You have nothing to offer the guys in the “seduction scene” please stop taking advantage of people’s problems..

  14. Anonymous says:

    Hey Sid here . . .

    Erika, you don’t have to publish this comment if you don’t want to, but I had no way of giving you the links that I want to ask you about otherwise. They are sketptics links, so if you don’t want to have them on your website I understand, but please respond to my question, which is — what do you think about these skeptics? Do they have any valid points? What is

  15. Hi freelancefiction, welcome to the blog thanks for commenting.

    Actually … while you are correct that there is a large placebo effect in all aspects of life … EFT works even for people who don’t believe in it.

    I focus in this blog on practices I’ve found that work even on doubters and skeptics. Because of course doubt and skepticism are some of the ego’s favorite tools

  16. freelancefiction says:

    It’s all about belief. If you believe EFT will help, then it will. I believe I have the power within myself, and lo and behold it works.


  17. Thanks Gayla. I appreciate the support.

    Yeah, I used to have chronic shoulder and back pain, which is gone now from all the EFT.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Hi Erika! When I had my session with you, pain that I took on in my right hip and lower back from providing healing work 5 years ago was completely gone. This was the first time ever that that happened. It also stayed gone for about 2 weeks from only one session. I”m sure that the judgements and stories I had made up about that time period were what EFT transformed. Pretty cool!

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