Here’s a guy you don’t hear talked about in the seduction community: Tom McKnight. He runs a company called Love Tactics and teaches many of the same principles as the gurus. I’ll admit that long ago I left behind the idea of tactics. I think the whole idea of “doing something so that someone else will do what I want” is fundamentally flawed. But underneath that, Tom has a lot of worthwhile things to say.
I want to include an excerpt here from an article he wrote about women declining pre-marital sex.
Now, as a man, I can be tried for treason for what I am about to say, but let the truth be told. There is a lie, a GREAT LIE that has been drummed up and perpetuated in our world that if a woman doesn’t go to bed with a man she loves then she will lose her chance to win his love in return. This is absolutely false, but men have succeeded for the most part in convincing women that it is true.
Tom goes on to say the following:
Some men would accuse me of breaking the “code” of my own gender by openly telling you this, but I’m not here to uphold an immoral code I don’t believe in. I believe that in order for men to be truly happy, they must eventually enter a win/win relationship that includes exchanging a committed marital vow in return for the sexual affection bestowed. I believe in paying for what I get, emotionally speaking. This is not only best for the woman; in the long run it is best for the man as well.
Those men who “cheat” a woman of her rightful due in this regard will learn in due course that they have only been cheating themselves. When a man uses a woman for sex, always pretending to leave the door open to marriage (just enough to keep her hoping), it is never win/win. It is actually win/lose. And if win/lose, then ultimately it will be lose/lose, even for him.
Those who read my blog regularly know this is a common theme of mine. There is NO SUCH THING as win/lose. Anything that is win/lose will be seen, sooner or later, as lose/lose. This is why women MUST LEAVE relationship situations that do not feel good to them and that have not changed when the woman expressed herself honestly.
Woman yearns mostly for love and commitment. Man primarily desires sex. The fair tradeoff is: sex in a loving and committed marriage. Women traditionally have had a strong bargaining chip when coming to the negotiating table. But somewhere over the last century, men have succeeded in bluffing women out of their strong position. Most women don’t know how powerful they really are, if they just exercise their determination in this regard. Man has stood eyeball to eyeball to woman, and she has blinked!! It was a bluff on his part “it’s always been a bluff” and the woman has fallen for it. The bluff is that if a woman doesn’t go to bed with a man if she loves him then she will lose her chance to win his love in return.
In actuality, men prefer strong women who can resist them and say no. Men need strong women who can say no. Admittedly this paradox is frustrating to a man, because he is also fighting a sexual urge that is both constant and strong all the time. But emotional and spiritual growth never was easy, and a permissive woman denies him this opportunity to progress.
So there it is, folks. Man and woman were given drives that seem to be in conflict so that they could progress enough spiritually to find a happy win/win resolution.
I have spent this past eight months experimenting with how different ways of approaching this made me feel, and I can assure you that the two choices now for me are abstinence or full commitment. There is no middle ground that feels good to me. And nothing matters as much to me anymore as feeling good on a consistent basis.
(I’m also pretty convinced from reading the comments on Rori’s blog that there are a lot of women who, deep down, feel the same way I do.)
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In other news, Hypnotica persuaded me to install Skype and (when I actually have some free time, in about a week) a web cam. I am highly technology-resistant, so this took a while, but I am now seeing the usefulness of these media for teaching the material discussed on this blog. Who knows, maybe he and I will have some fun inner game co-creations for you all one of these days soon ;-)
Big Daddy, you are so narcissistic that you can’t even spell Erika’s name correctly (it’s with a “k”, not a “c”).
You’ve been reading her blog for months now. You’ve been writing virtual novels in her comments section for weeks. And you are still completely oblivious to the correct spelling of her name.
Amazing.
It was the NORM up until 40 maybe 50 years ago.
False. People were just more discreet then. Premarital sex has always been rampant. See the following quote from a report published by The Guttmacher Institute (www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2006/12/19/index.html)
“Contrary to the public perception that premarital sex is much more common now than in the past, the
men stopped having to convince women after the “women’s lib” movement. women have been giving it away for decades now.
i think telling women the use of refraining as a tool to ensure the man’s fidelity/devotion is as dangerous as the notion that a man must trick a woman into sleeping with him under false pretenses.
“To me, refusing to explore the pros and cons …by closing eyes and turning away from it compeletly feels like ducking the question.”
But it’s ABSURD to suggest that this is what she’s doing.
She’s NOT becoming a monk.
She’s HAD sex.
It was obviously AWFUL, otherwise why would she be making this choice?
LOL!!!
(Sorry Erica, that was too easy.)
I feel like I’m picking on you on your own blog, Erika, but I’m still unclear.
You said re: celibacy vs. commitment:
“Cuz I want to go deeper, and I want the stability of a committed relationship in order to do that.
I also want to build something WITH someone. It’s more fun as a shared pursuit.
Why do people enter into partnerships of any kind? Because they
Re: the Dan/Dan confusion.
I’ve changed my posting name. Apparently here on the internet it is possible to change your name identity at the touch of a button.
Who knew? I sure didn’t.
It’s witchcraft, I tell you.
Sorry for the confusion.
-the artist formerly known as Unreal Dan.
Erika, you asked people to give you some limiting beliefs. Looks like you’re receiving them.
And there are so, so many. How much pain is there? How much more pain is created, floating and clinging inside us as we shrink the possibilities of what is okay for us and for others to be allowed to do and explore, or is it more an expression of the pain that was already there that came from
hey Anonymous,
Thanks for commenting. Yeah, I’ve thought about that too.
If I were coaching the women, I’d probably challenge them to get really intimate with themselves about whether ONS feels good to them. Some women may be okay with it. I’m not okay with it but I take responsibility for my own happiness and don’t do it.
A lot of guys need to learn to walk before
Hmmm… Erika, in your last post, you wrote:
“In my view, this is the way the business should be run. A bunch of the guys ended up having success with women THAT night. Including a few lays.”
And in this post, you wrote:
“I can assure you that the two choices now for me are abstinence or full commitment.”
How are these two views reconciled? Rejoicing that some guys in
A lot of the article and your response project dichotomies on relationships where it must be either X or Y. Theyre pretty much formulated to support an idealistic world view. Thinking of things in terms of “winning” or “losing” is wrong in its very core.
“Woman yearns mostly for love and commitment. Man primarily desires sex”
a
This guy says he doesnt wanna uphold
Well, you make a very good point, Real Dan.
“why you want what you want”
Why do I want what I want? Cuz I want to go deeper, and I want the stability of a committed relationship in order to do that.
I also want to build something WITH someone. It’s more fun as a shared pursuit.
Why do people enter into partnerships of any kind? Because they can accomplish
I’m the real Dan, the unreal Dan is the one with the link to his blogger profile. Can’t you tell from the dropoff in wit?
Wait, wait, I’m confused …
Are you the Real Dan or the Unreal Dan?
I concur with Rori’s post wholeheartedly.
Which is a bit of a surprise for me, because when I read her blog, most of what she says sails completely over my head. Then again, I’m equally confused reading the Heart Sutra, so possibly the problem is me. :)
In my experience though, what we say we want isn’t what we want per se, so much as a means to get there.
Some people
interesting post…very interesting…
however a women can open herself up for manipulation if she lets the man know (I m paraphrasing) “I m looking for a long-term commitment that will lead to marriage…we’ll have sex once or twice and then you have to make a decision”
a guy can then just sleep with her once or twice and then say byebye.
also, from my experience, women
There’s an underlying assumption here that all relationships are the same: a partnership screening for marriage compatibility.
I don’t agree with that at all.
Relationships are maleable and at times, defy definition, especially a singular one.
It’s also entirely possible for a man and woman to be mutually expressive with eachother, both sexually, and emotionally.
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Here we go together, Erika! I’ve been with you on the journey since December, trying to find a foothold that would allow an open version of sex to make it in my world since it is as available as the wind in this area… so many beautiful people, so many promises of pleasure, such a merry time had by all… no matter how much I have tried, I find that this is a stage I have passed through… and it
Sheesh, don’t all pile on at once, lol ;-)
Look … no one expects to drive a car around for a while before deciding whether to buy it. You get one test drive and then you make a decision. Same with a house. Sure, you get a tour to see the amenities, but then you need to make a decision whether this is the house you want.
I see way too much misery in these relationships that
“When a man uses a woman for sex, always pretending to leave the door open to marriage (just enough to keep her hoping)”
Whoops!
Big Daddy = Busted!
haha
Big Daddy
Addendum: Erika, you said a wonderful thing in the beginning that I overlooked.
“I think the whole idea of ‘doing something so that someone else will do what I want’ is fundamentally flawed.”
That’s crucial. Because if we take Mr McKnight at face value, most of us will believe that both men and women not only -are- playing exactly this kind of game, but that playing such games
@ans,
Thanks for commenting — it’s helpful to this reader, if no one else, to see you voicing your opinions this way.
I too have had problems with Erika’s theories on “abstinence.” I understand that certain ways of coping with our current separateness are necessary: if there were no separation, sex would be meaningless in the first place. So if, as Erika has said of herself
This is my first reply on Erika’s blog and I thank her for reaching out to me. :)
I agree with Tom that it’s unethical for men (or women) to dangle the possibility of a committed relationship (or sex) to get either sex or financial support. I speak for myself that I make myself clear on the first date that I’m non-monogamous right now, that I’d be interested in a primary partner (if im
I also have a tough time with this.
Too often I’ve seen women marry early to finally release the pent up desire they have, and this isn’t any healthier than the girl who gives it up to deal with her daddy issues or a guy sleeping with a large number of women to inflate his ego.
When sex and marriage are expressions of desire and affection for the other person, a way of further
This is really, really hard – because what feels good to one woman does not feel good to another woman – and as far as I can see, linking sex to marriage at all – though it SOUNDS good – it’s a huge mistake.
I see this with devout Christian men and women all the time – because sex is so linked to marriage – the relationship gets skewed. Red flags get overlooked in a man because his “
Even worse i jet read this little gem:
“Woman yearns mostly for love and commitment. Man primarily desires sex”
how stereotypical can you get?!!
And a terrible generalisation here:
“When a man uses a woman for sex, always pretending to leave the door open to marriage (just enough to keep her hoping)”
what the fuck?!! WHO TOLD YOU WE ARE LYING TO
There is no “Code” this guy is weird; no one is “buying” sex for emotions that’s retarded.
What’s worse is the guy thinking that women use sex as a currency for affection.
but i guess he’s right the secret men society’s plan to trick women into sex must be unvield and he’s betrael the underground mafia of all the lying men and “immorality” must be honored.
thanx for the enlightening