Pin It

Inviting men to a whole new level of intimacy …

You really want women to move closer to you, super super super close?

I’m at an unfair advantage in this department because of the kind of coaching I do. I don’t give very much advice, because advice generally doesn’t work. Instead, I move into my clients’ own experience and help them transform it from the inside.

Well, that, my friends, is intimacy.

It’s not telling someone what to do. It’s becoming part of their experience. That’s what empathy really means.

The number one intimacy destroyer is judgment.

Empathy is the antithesis of judgment.

So what does this mean in practical terms?

I’ve talked before about giving a woman a safe emotional space in which to surrender to you, sexually or otherwise.

To do that, you MUST start eliminating judgment words and thoughts out of your vocabulary.

Let’s say a woman is angry.

What does a typical man do? He becomes defensive. Then, to protect himself, he labels the woman.

He says:

“You are so needy.”
“You are so dramatic.”
“You are unbalanced.”

And so forth. Instantly he has created huge amounts of distance between himself and the woman. He’s essentially saying that it’s not okay for her to have the feelings she has.

What could he do instead? Well, what do I do when my clients have anger come up when we are working?

First, I feel it with them. “Oh yeah, I can feel a lot of rage right now, a lot of energy moving. Yeah. Oh yeah.”

Second, I ask questions. “Okay, yeah, you’re angry. What are the thoughts that go with that anger?”

Third, I follow the energy with them. “I feel the energy shifting now. You said the anger was a 9 intensity. What is it now? Now it’s a six. Okay, is it still showing up in your chest, or has it moved?”

We can spend entire sessions following energy, in a near hypnotic state, with virtually no tension or distance between us because I have moved INTO their experience.

How I would love to see men start doing this sort of thing in relationships.

How different my response would be if, when I feel angry, instead of saying “you’re so dramatic,” a man would say:

“Ok, I hear that. What are the thoughts that go with the anger?”

Then I might say, “I want to tell you to fuck off.”

And he could say: “Okay, I hear that. Is there any grief or fear behind the anger?”

Then I might say: “I’m terrified that this is never going to work out for me, that I’m going to end up investing in you and being disappointed.”

And he could say: “Yeah I hear that. I can see why that thought would feel really scary. Where in your body are you feeling the emotions right now? Is it all fear now or also anger.”

Then I might say: “It’s still mostly anger, like lightening running up and down my center ribcage.”

And he could say: “Okay, like lightening. I hear that you’re really upset right now, and right now I just want to be with your anger. Let’s both just be with it and see what happens to it next.”

Then I might say: “Now it’s moving. I feel so sad. I feel so scared this is never going to work out for me.”

And maybe then he would just hold me and let me cry. And then we might end up making love. I could spend entire days lovemaking with a man doing nothing but noticing energy shifts. It sounds delightful :)

Why is the method I’m describing above so effective? It’s not fighting against what I feel. It’s not judging me or distancing him from me.

It’s simply being present with me, recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with having strong emotions, and that problems really only arise when we fight AGAINST the emotions. It’s honoring my experience without making it “about” me or him.

Anyway, just realized this tonight, so I’m thinking out loud here …

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

If you liked this article, you will LOVE Erika's EFT tapping video products and coaching ... Get Started Now:

« « Previous Post: Postscript re "Love is a gift" | Next Post: Erika’s conversation demolitions … coming right up » »

Comments

  1. Phoenix says:

    I heard a podcast awhile back and the author talked about there really only being 2 emotion's and everything we "feel" is based in these 2 emotions Love and fear.

    Fear is a powerful emotion and usually cause's us to make bad decision's, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt emotionally/physically, these cause us to run away.

    Love on the other hand cause

  2. Turin*otzaki says:

    Erika said "We all need a non-judgmental space where we can express ourselves freely and relax without fear of being judged or abandoned".

    Totally agree! We just cant connect with people with fear in our faces, and its not practical for us to be around people who feel'dangerous' emotionally to us.

    Though I think that our fear of being judged or abandoned

  3. McSmokey says:

    What happens when a woman start to feel intimacy growing but is afraid of intimacy (not just sexual intimacy).

    I know its something she needs to deal with and she said it herself from the beginning but still I am clueless..

    anyway this time its "broken" but what to do if this occur again?

  4. Anonymous says:

    Ana, you need to get laid

  5. Phoenix says:

    Erika I started on a journey about 2 yrs ago it started with The Mystery method in my study as a PUA i got to a point where I wanted more, this has led me on a journey I never imagined, the connection's I have been making have been simply incredible, I have also done exactly what you describe and have recently been working on changing that, I guess the old saying of "when a student is

  6. Anonymous says:

    Sid here…

    I think this is very powerful stuff. I think more people should be versed in this style of acceptance and communication. For the right girl.

    A girl can't have carte blanche nail the dude with vituperations either.

    I dated a girl once, who frequently criticized me toward the end of our relationship. I had to get out. There is a fine line between

  7. Erika says:

    This is what I'm finding, Anwer.

    Most people avoid conflict. This is compounded by the fact that most conventional wisdom promotes avoiding conflict. So after a breakup, we are supposed to "move on" and "play it cool," "pretend not to care," etc.

    Which is fine except pretty universally this is not how anyone actually feels, and it doesn&#

  8. Synth says:

    I like how you mention "He's essentially saying that it's not okay for her to have the feelings she has." So often in today's society we feel we have to defend our feelings. Why? If they are MY feelings, they aren't right or wrong, they are simply my feelings. Nobody else can tell me otherwise (anymore, that is!). I spent so much of my life trying to be accepted by

  9. Anwer says:

    Yes we need honesty. I think that by removing the fear of judgment and abandonment, you are trying to create the best context for honest communication. That way we can cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time, rather than these difficult stalemates that take months to unwind. Cooperation is great when we can get it.

  10. Erika says:

    Anwer,

    Ah, you see, I don't view it as a communication breakdown.

    I take a very long term view on these things.

    It requires a lot of faith.

    I've had situations where radical honesty resulted in people not talking to each other for months, but ultimately it resulted in breakTHROUGHS that nobody could achieve for years before that.

    I

  11. Anwer says:

    I agree that making people feel safe and understood is a much more effective way of dealing with them than judgment and hostility, especially when you are in a close relationship. I know that you are probably upset with the complete breakdown in communication with Ana, but I find some dark humor in it considering the post that we are commenting on. I'm guessing that you two won't end up

  12. Erika says:

    Anwer,

    I'm talking about gender polarity. A woman surrendering to a man and being fully a woman. Yeah, we can all be unisex, but if we do that the tradeoff is losing that delicious chemistry between male and female polarities.

    However, what I'm talking about I do with men as well as women. Men have powerful emotions too, that also need to be heard.

    We

  13. RomeoJC says:

    I like what you said about eliminating "judgment words". It's never a good look when people are judgmental. It's a HUGE turnoff to me when girls tell me about how much the dislike something. I try to never judge others even if I disagree with them.
    About strong emotions: I have very strong emotions and it's taken time and effort to not let them rule my actions. I think

  14. Anwer says:

    Erika, why do you use the term 'surrender' to describe a woman's reaction to this type of interchange? Many people want to feel as though they are dealing with an equal partner in a romantic relationship. If the unconditional acceptance is coming from one side only, that seems to be more of a therapeutic or parental relationship than a romantic partnership. (I know that you work as a

  15. Erika says:

    Yeah, and I go a step beyond that to say there is no such thing as "needy," "dramatic," or "controlling."

    There are feelings giving rise to whatever someone is doing, and labeling those feelings as needy, dramatic, or controlling will tend to increase frustration and conflict rather than decreasing it.

    This is in part because by invalidating

  16. Ana says:

    In response to Kotu, I think that when people say you are "needy, dramatic, controlling" they need to realize that it's the person behaving in a needy, dramatic and controlling way.

    It's not the person him or herself. At the core of our beings, I feel that we are something greater altogether.

  17. Ana says:

    Rage? maybe it was the CAPS!!! lol.

  18. Erika says:

    Kotu,

    Thanks for the question. I think if you read my blog on a regular basis, you'll find that I'm all about seeing both men and women's perspectives on all this stuff. This particular article focused on men because they are the ones I hear using phrases such as "she's so needy" or "she's so dramatic." Pushing feelings away. I shine the same

  19. Kotu says:

    I both accept and agree with what you've expressed in this posting Erika. However you appear to have created a scenario in which the Man is the ONLY one with the power to change the woman's feelings and control the conversation/relationship. Or am I being too judgmental? :D

    I would like to see something posted that reverses a situation such as the one here. Perhaps something

  20. Erika says:

    Thanks Anwer and Kailee Grace.

    It amazes me to post something like this and receive an anonymous comment that judges pain. I wasn't even writing about my own pain in this post, and yet that's what Anonymous projects.

    There is probably no more important skill for people in our culture to learn that being with our own and other people's pain, and learning to

  21. Kailee Grace says:

    I love this post. I've heard those words many times before. I wonder why men become so angry and defensive? i'm thinking his own insecuritys.

    When I hear those words I shut down and try and make myself belive that what i am feeling is wrong when it is OKAY to feel what I emotionally feel.

    I love what you said here: "Problems only arise when we fight against

  22. Anwer says:

    Yes what you describe is valuable and can really add to the lives of men. Invitation accepted.

Speak Your Mind

*