What I’m noticing is that each time it gets better. Each time it gets closer to what I ultimately want. Granted, it’s only been two guys in five years. But hey, that’s a TREND, and I’m focusing on the positive :-) Third time has got to be a charm.
Meanwhile, I’m about to start writing a post to answer some of GoneSavage’s questions about compassionate communication (NVC) and pickup. He’s worried that NVC is anti-sex. Obviously he did not attend the 10-day intensive NVC training with Marshall Rosenberg where on the first evening that the group gathered, one of the instructors gravely warned us to be careful because we would be using a lot of NVC during the week, and “NVC often leads to sex.”
Actually “if you keep talking to me like that we will end up dating” is more powerful the “i’ll end up asking you out” is just plain pussy.
cheers
Hahaaa. nice move from the NVC instructor, next time he’ll be “careful, if you keep talking to me like that, i’ll end up asking you out” :D.
Yes, I have sent Erika several questions about NVC based on my interpretation of research and quotations that I have found online.
*Obviously* (sarcasm noted) I was not at the intensive gathering, or we would have surely seduced each other there. ;-)
I don’t doubt for a second that using NVC “strategies” including empathetic listening will lead to sex. I know they do. (Hence my comment above.) But the fact that you guys were *gravely warned* that “NVC often leads to sex” implies that a lot of the practitioners have real hangups with spontaneous, mutually-satisfying sex.
At its core NVC is about authentic self-expression and listening with deep compassion (empathy). These are great things! But what I came across that really provoked my research is this:
“In NVC, we consider praise and compliments a violent form of communication. Because they are part of the language of domination, it is one passing judgment on another. What makes it more complex is that people are trained to use praise as reward, as a manipulation to get people to do what they want.” –Rosenberg
To me this is heavy. You see Rosenberg does not imply that this is the case when there is an expectation for reciprocation. He implies ALL praise and compliments are judgmental and manipulative by their very nature. I ran a ton of examples through my own neurology and I actually AGREE! Try it out for yourself. (Often praise has an aspect of refined selfishness because it makes you feel good to give it. Is this not manipulating your feelings and meeting your need for self-worth?)
So, what I have noted to Erika is that there seems to be a contradiction between this quotation and what is practiced. NVC practitioners, whether they realize it or not, ARE highly judgmental despite an emphasis on “observation without evaluation.” And they ARE highly manipulative when using specific language “strategies” to “increase the joy and well-being of all.”
That’s great. I see this as a positive manipulation (aka win-win)… leading two people to a place of compassion, understanding and connection.
But it is manipulation nevertheless.
Erika can address my other questions if she wants, but the point of my teaching is to suggest that judgment is not a bad thing. We make judgments constantly. It is how we decide what connections are worth the investment of our time and attention.
And manipulation is not a bad thing. Manipulate used to mean “to manage or utilize skillfully.” That’s exactly what NVC strategies do, they allow you to skillfully manage your needs and skillfully make a request of others to see if you can get those needs met. NVC was designed as a series of negotiation tactics. If negotiation in a warzone isn’t skillful manipulation, I don’t know what is. (Maybe pick-up? Haha.)
I like NVC technique because I like being able to recognize that I can skillfully manage and utilize my communication. We are never NOT communicating, so we might as well do it effectively. We have the power of choice; we have options. We are not victims of circumstance.
But I know NVC is just that: Positive manipulation. Anyone can go look up the “Observe, express feelings, identify needs, and make requests” model and see how this is skillful communication designed to reach the outcome of meeting mutual needs.
Investigating NVC addresses my need for Growth, Meaning, and Values. Expressing my observations about NVC addresses my need for Being Heard, Sharing, and Consideration. Receiving feedback on NVC addresses my need for Stimulation, Clarity, and Comprehension. Look up the “Inventory of Needs,” its really good stuff.
So thank you, Erika, for the opportunity to get so many needs met!
GoneSavage
By the way, I like the alternate “Compassionate Communication” MUCH better than “Nonviolent Communication.” “Nonviolent” just gets you to neutral, “Compassion” gets you to a much higher spiritual vibration…
PS. The instructor that *warned* you that “NVC often leads to sex” actually *sexually framed* you as a group of people already in a sexually-charged environment. Skillfully managed, indeed… ;-)