It has come up a few times lately, so it seems worth addressing:
Yes, on this blog, I tend to make suggestions for what men can do to help facilitate a particular emotional response in a woman (i.e., attraction and comfort). It is my hope that because I am a woman and have focused careful attention on this stuff for quite some time, I can be valuable as a source of emotional feedback.
It is my intention to illuminate blind spots on both sides of the gender fence — areas where I see men and women judging each other instead of understanding each other.
That said, I would like to clarify a few things:
1. My suggestions are not “rules” or “shoulds.” They are things that I have noticed create a certain emotional response in me and other women I know. But they are always negotiable. If a guy isn’t comfortable with a particular recommendation I’m making, by all means, it would thrill me to have open conversations about that. Honest communication always trumps rules in my book. In NVC terms, my suggestions are merely strategies for meeting certain emotional needs, such as trust and excitement and connection. But there are infinite strategies for meeting any given need.
2. Relationships are always a two-way street. Women need to do all they can to understand where men are coming from just as much as vice versa. We all can ask each other how we can make life more wonderful for each other.
3. Communication is a two-way street. I offer a lot of suggestions of how men can communicate more effectively with women, but communication is just as much a woman’s responsibility as a man’s. Women are more empowered if they speak up when they don’t feel good about something, and if they listen deeply when a man is upset about something. It goes both ways. It’s completely unhelpful to blame each other. Blaming (“you did this to me and next time you have to do this”) is an entirely different thing than saying “wow, I really got scared when I didn’t hear from you. It sure would better meet my need for continuity and trust if I had a sense ahead of time of when we are going to reconnect.”).
4. Conflicts are ALWAYS shared. It takes two to tango. In non-violent communication practice groups, sometimes two people in a group of ten will get into a conflict with each other. Under NVC philosophy, the GROUP owns that conflict. Similarly, when a man and woman conflict, they both need to look within to see what in themselves created that conflict.
(And what proves this point in my experience more than anything else is that if we attempt to AVOID a conflict rather than resolve it, it will INEVITABLY recur elsewhere in our life. A seeming clone of the person we are avoiding will show up somewhere else. That’s why I never solve my problems anymore by thinking, oh, I can get relief from this emotional pain by cutting this person out of my life. Doesn’t work because the conflict is inside me, even if it seems to be coming from the other person.)
5. Other people are never responsible for our feelings. I make a lot of suggestions about things guys do that feel great to me as a woman, and I hope those are helpful. With good communication, both men and women can help each other feel good. At the end of the day though, I am fully aware that my emotional reaction to any stimulus is my responsibility. And part of my responsibility is good communication — to let a man know what does and doesn’t feel good to me, and to stay connected with him until we really understand each other and find something that feels good to both of us.
This blog is all about men and women creating win/win connections.
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Btw, I heard a very refreshing perspective today: a guy who actually values a woman’s sexual experience. After spending a lot of time on a men’s forum trying to open guys’ minds and dissolve the madonna/whore judgments, it feels like a huge relief to know there are guys out there who don’t judge women for their sexuality. And who even embrace it.
Really nice posts. I will be checking back here regularly.
Say what you feel chica. Real men and women find value in whatever it is you say whether they agree or disagree. There is no reason for you to explain yourself to anybody.
Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
David,
Thank you. I really appreciate your comments, and I will get in touch with you by email to talk further.
– Erika
Dear Anonymous,
It would appear that you are really having a need to be heard, so I am publishing your comment. FYI, with the exception of the “Neediness and Dating Rules” post, I generally publish nearly every comment that I receive, even if the commenter disagrees with my views. At the same time, it’s important to me for this blog to be a forum that promotes non-judgment.
I hear a lot of judgment in your comment. My perspective on David’s work is quite different than yours. I see only love in his articles, and it seems to me that he is doing everything in his power to facilitate win/win relationships among men and women.
As for your statement about this blog focusing on “the seduction of a stranger over and over again,” well, I must admit that my need to be heard and understood for my intentions is not met by that comment. This blog focuses on creating enduring win/win relationships by improving communication. I have repeatedly stated that my interest in pickup artists is rooted in the spiritual path and relationship skills that PUA represents to me, and I have also firmly stated that I am interested in deep emotional connections and have zero interest in casual sex.
I certainly share your interest in facilitating deep win/win relationships in which women are appreciated rather than subjugated. I see David’s work as being quite consistent with that aspiration.
If you are open to suggestions, I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s work. You are dealing here with a blog writer who has “giraffe ears” on and doesn’t hear criticism, but I predict that if you use words like “delusion” when talking with most people, you will alienate them rather than get both of your needs met (as Marshall says, it sounds to me like “a tragic and suicidal expression of unmet needs”).
With love,
Erika
as far as i am concerned, david shade is just propagating & encouraging a male fantasy of domination – encouraging & promoting a mentality of submissiveness by women. hyper-domination in reaction to fear. i wonder if the obsession with "seduction" and the physical experience of sex is just a way of compensating for a complete lack of emotional prowess. not emotional awareness, but the skill to handle your emotion with enough dexterity as not to "feel" consumed. anyone who has had sex with someone they love would consider the seduciton of a stranger over and over again to be a lacking substition. why do you all spend so much time on the topic? its like prefering the taste of saccharine to sugar.
and will you post this comment, or do you only post those that corroborate your delusion, rather than challenge it???
Erika,
Done. I have quoted you on my blog.
I would like to interview you for my Masterful Lover VIP Inner Circle membership. You have a lot to share, and my clients would love to hear your views.
David
Of course, David.
Btw, it was the most glorious ski day ever. And then dinner among dearly loved friends. I feel so incredibly blessed.
Erika,
Erika wrote: “I heard a very refreshing perspective today: a guy who actually values a woman’s sexual experience. After spending a lot of time on a men’s forum trying to open guys’ minds and dissolve the madonna/whore judgments, it feels like a huge relief to know there are guys out there who don’t judge women for their sexuality. And who even embrace it.”
May I quote you?
David