Blooming So Organically

Well, I was going to go to French Tuesdays tonight. But somehow I don’t really feel like it. And I pretty much always follow my feelings these days. So I’m going to riff off of my friend Michael’s comment instead. He said:

“I love the fact that you are blooming so organically. With that, the flower of life has no expectations, nor any desire, other than to be. Egoless sex, or what I like to refer to as egoless Love and Living for that matter is a state of being with no intentions other than to share one’s energy, frequency and love – and with that not to the end of one’s own satisfaction, nor reciprocation. Abolish all expectations and with that fear will dissipate and one will come into full bloom.”

Is that beautifully said or what? (Thank you, Michael. It does feel like I am blooming.)

I wanted to share the impact that non-violent communication (NVC) has had on bringing me to “organic” status.

The ego focuses on strategies. So, for example, a girl ego might think “I can’t be happy in a relationship without an exclusive commitment,” or “I can’t be happy if this isn’t leading to marriage.” A guy ego might think “I can’t be happy hanging out with this girl if we’re not having sex.” Or it could be the opposite — let’s not stereotype girls and guys.

NVC gets us to focus on needs before thinking about strategies. Needs are things like stability, continuity, affection, respect, freedom. (One of my friends, who hails from Britain, claims that “tea” is a need, but I’m thinking that is more of a strategy for imbibing caffeine ;-)

So, for example, if I were letting my ego run my life, I might be very attached to the “strategy” of celibacy (just as some people can be very attached to the strategy of having sex, btw). What NVC consciousness does is enable me to step back from the strategy and see the needs I have been meeting with celibacy, such as emotional clarity and freedom and spiritual integrity. When I stay present with those needs, I can be unattached to the strategy. I can start to see that there might be other ways to meet those same needs without being completely celibate.

Same goes with relationships. I can really like a particular guy. And if I’m not aware, being with him can turn into a “strategy” to which my ego gets attached. I’ve done that before, probably we all have. The ego mindset is that I need to have this particular person in my life or else I can’t be happy, or at least I can’t be maximally happy.

NVC brings a very different outlook to relationships. I still very much appreciate the guy. I might even say, yeah, I can really see myself with this guy. We’ve had these great times together, and being with him is satisfying a lot of core needs, such as being seen, receiving empathy, having fun and adventure, and so on.

But if I stay with the needs that are being met, I stay flexible. I stay “organic.” I can still feel a deep connection and really want to explore things with a particular guy. I can want that very much, with my whole heart and soul. And at the same time I can also see clearly that he is not the only strategy for meeting those needs. For example, if I’m needing empathy or emotional clarity, I can see how blogging is giving me that or a conversation with a friend is giving me that, so I don’t need to get it from him necessarily. (That’s what happened last night, in fact :-).

That way, if he is not available for some reason, I don’t get all down and disappointed. I don’t get mad if he’s preoccupied or traveling or falls asleep when I’m trying to text him. Lol ;-) I may wonder what is going on for him if I haven’t heard from him for a while or don’t know when I’ll see him again, but my emotional state has shifted in a critically important way. Whereas the ego interprets and blames and is ready to get angry or upset, an NVC-based consciousness is open and curious.

(Of course it helps enormously if the people you’re in relationships with are also communicating openly and keeping you updated about what’s going on for them.)

How can we bloom organically if we are attached to strategies? Attachment to strategies blocks the free flow of energy that is needed for organic growth. How can we bloom organically if we are judging or blaming? Judgment and blame also block energy by locking into one interpretation.

I’d rather just stay open. Miracles happen in open space. In a Universe of infinite possibilities, why would you ever want to lock down the creative forces to just one outcome? The ego thinks safety lies in nailing down a particular outcome (whether it’s sex or marriage or any number of strategies).

Those who got tired of being batted around by the ego know that safety lies in uncertainty, in fluidity, in not-knowingness, and in openness and vulnerability.

“What you leave as vacant God will fill.” – A Course in Miracles

Love,