Today in my inbox I received Zan Perrion’s Way of Attraction Newsletter, and I enjoyed it so much that I’m going to reprint it here and then follow up with some commentary. The newsletter this week was written by Hans Comjin, who works as a full-time instructor for Zan. You can learn more about Zan’s Ars Amorata program HERE.
It raises that classic vexing dilemma and question: “nice guy” or “bad boy”?
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So here is the letter that Hans wrote:
The Source of Attraction and The Paradox of Love
In my quest for beauty, my desire to celebrate and be immersed in female energy, I often wonder what it is in women that I love so much. I travel a lot with Zan, and when asked “What is it you miss the most during your travels?” the answer for me goes along the lines of “a place of rest… with a woman who comforts and nurtures me”.
As Zan puts it, “My head on a woman’s breast, with her caressing my hair and telling me everything will be all right…”
And I wonder… could it be that this image describes the essence of a woman – she nurturing me, the traveller, taking care of me, providing a place where I can lay my head to rest… is that the core of female energy?
I also wonder if my travelling is the essence of male energy. The adventurer, out there in the wilderness, the warrior on a mission, caught up in something bigger, the man with a purpose.
And if these images are meaningful articulations of male and female energy, then those differences in energy seem like a very viable source for the attraction between men and women, do they not? Going vs nurturing.
She is attracted to, and enamored by, purposeful men, men who go. She wants to nurture the warrior. Everywhere we go, women ask us how they can “land that guy”. She wants to bring home the adventurer, domesticate the one that seems ‘undomesticable’.
And he, the traveller, the adventurer, misses and is attracted to the nurturing qualities of women. He loves to be taken care of. He loves to come ‘home’ after he was out there in the wilderness, following his purpose.
If this makes any kind of sense, could it also be then that those differences in energy not only provide a viable source for the attraction between men and women, but that they also lie at the core of the paradox of love and many of the concerns and issues we have in terms of approaching, dating and relationships between men and women?
Is it not true that as soon as she ‘lands that guy’, as soon as she has brought home the adventurer she longed for, she starts losing her attraction for him?
Is it not true that as soon as he settles and stops going, as soon as he gives up his purpose and she becomes the adventure, he kills the man in him and the possibility to make her feel like a woman?
Why do we settle? Why do we almost invariably choose to instantly get rid of the pang of missing someone by choosing ‘forever’? Is what we think we want ignoring our very male and female core? Could it be that what we think we want will not make us happy in the long run?
She thinks that what she really wants is to land that guy. She is convinced that bringing home the adventurer forever will make her happy. And he misses the place to rest she provides so much that he thinks he should settle.
So he does, and they settle for each other. But maybe, in the process of settling, they overlook that the apparent paradox of love is also the very source of their attraction.
Maybe she needs to claim, maybe she needs to try to bring him home, and maybe he needs to go anyway… in the name of attraction, in the name of all women and men.
Maybe you need to give her gift of missing you. Maybe you need to disappear, reappear and celebrate her… each time with newness and excitement, fully recharged with male energy… As Zan says, “Like it is his first love all over again.”
Maybe she deserves that…
~ Hans Comijn
Way of Attraction
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Ah yes. The age-old paradox. The very riddle that brought me to the seduction community in the first place.
Why is it that women are attracted to bad boys, to adventurers, to players — the very men who are not oriented toward committing to her — and yet, she yearns for that commitment and deeper connection? As Hans so beautifully puts it:
“Is it not true that as soon as she ‘lands that guy’, as soon as she has brought home the adventurer she longed for, she starts losing her attraction for him?
“Is it not true that as soon as he settles and stops going, as soon as he gives up his purpose and she becomes the adventure, he kills the man in him and the possibility to make her feel like a woman?”
Conventional women’s dating advice is utterly unhelpful on this point. It simply tells women to “give up” the side of her that wants the adventurer. It tells her to stop dating “that kind” of man and start dating “nice guys.” And it counsels her thus with fear — if you don’t let go of the bad boy, it says, you will never experience love.
But she tries it, and … dating “nice guys” feels utterly wrong, as if she has denied one of the deepest parts of herself … and it feels to her like the “nice guys” have killed off the deepest part of themselves too. Where is the vitality in them? They seem to be lifeless.
Is this some cruel trick that the powers that be have thrust upon us? Never to be satisfied. Either the guy commits and we are bored, or the guy won’t commit and we feel eternally restless and unsatisfied? Challenged, perhaps, but not fulfilled.
Or is there a third path? Is it actually possible to have adventure and commitment, both, at the same time?
I am absolutely, resolutely, devotedly committed to living that third path. I simply cannot accept that somehow we are put to an impossible choice between security and excitement. I want both, and I will not settle for less than both.
I refuse to choose.
And I invite other women — I know you’re out there, and I know you know what I’m talking about — to join me in insisting on both.
Part of the solution, I’m convinced, is to start finding security IN uncertainty. Rather than “land” the poor guy and tethering him in a dungeon, what if we girls get on the ship with him and sail for distant horizons? What if we (gasp) begin to take pleasure in his attraction to other women? What if instead of judging that attraction, we become one with it? Transforming it into yet another way to forge a deeper connection with our man.
What if we as women create such exciting lives for ourselves that our man can sometimes disappear for adventures of his own, and we’re so busy having fun that we barely notice the time and he’s back in our arms again?
Why would we choose between depth of connection, longevity, and continuity on the one hand, and that electric thrill of desire and excitement on the other hand … when if we get creative and play our cards right, we can have both?
“It gives a whole new meaning to the word “Word.” :- ) “
Word.
You’re welcome …
It gives a whole new meaning to the word “Word.” :-)
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God.”
Haha…thanks for the kind words, but, but I’m an atheist.
That said, I do appreciate your considerable compliment.
Word, yo.
Lol, Reality Check :-)
I have my own theory about this.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God.”
:-)
Ok, I felt my above message was unnecessary.
I’ll make up for it with this.
Life can be high-minded and light and love.
So, while Gonesavage tries to seduce Erika with his beautiful words ( which are awesome routines by the way, I’m stealing them all! : )
Why can’t men be taken away by non-rational words so easily?
They don’t reach the soul as easily. Why?
I think the answer lies in the corpus callosum.
There’s a bundle of nerves that attaches the right and left hemisphere. In a female brain, the bundle of nerves is far bigger, so more communication between emotion and intellect.
In a man it is smaller, so less communication, but greater individual focus…usually rational thinking.
So, IF you’re a guy, and you want to have ‘some’ clue as to WHY pretty words have an effect on women.
Watch this…..it’s fascinating…
Go to youtube, type in Jill Bolte – Stroke of Insight
This woman has a stroke, except that she’s a neuroscientist, so she can describe what’s happening to her…check it out…the description of the merging of her arm energetically into the surrounding space….sound familiar : )
By the way, she’s describing an LSD trip to a ‘T. I’ve had my share.
I think it’s that female corpus callusom that is allowing woowoo words to resonate in the right hemispheres of women, a space which Jill Bolte describes beautifully in her talk.
“An awakening dissolves a dream; let the force of your love dispel the lingering remnants of her childish hope to be saved by a man. Help her grow toward surrendering as the bliss of love itself – with you and without you.” –David Deida
Lol.
Wait till I seduce and thoroughly F*** the living daylights out of his favorite girl.
An awakening will occur, the depth of Deida’s animal brain will reveal these superficial niceties created by his cerebral cortex as it rages and pumps blood through his limbic system annihilating what he once knew as his ‘self’.
I just found your blog about 10 minutes ago. WOW!
I have been studying seduction for about a year and NOTHING has caught my eyes like this.
Amazing posts. I will be back here more often. Thank you so much.
Amazing post! I love every word of it
Keep on doing what your doing girl!
Kfatt : ) ( L )
Erika,
Bless you for speaking it clearly… I couldn’t agree more… it isn’t about the provider model any longer… it is about shared purpose and that is also my greatest passion with a man… sharing purpose… I love how you brought it home… that when your man is out there somewhere, thinking of you inspires him. Purpose is the defining quality of what the form between any two people will look like…
The one thing though, he’s not the only adventurer… I am as well… and mutual adventures shared are also welcome…
I think of couples who are married who are the best of friends and the sexiest of lovers, non exclusively… but pair bonded big time… and I am inspired beyond belief by the bigness of their love… it’s rare and hopefully, will be seen more and more!
Great post. This really helped crystallize how I view female attraction, it’s a great metaphor.
I think most guys’ problem is that they aren’t embracing that “traveler” enough, as it’s easy to fall into the other mode of comfort. Either that, or they’re too willing to give up that traveler as soon as a woman with a big house shows some interest.
Tonight I was chatting with a girl online and when she asked what my goals in life were, my eyes lit up, and I had not only a definite answer, but my answer as to how I was walking my path toward my goals. Dynamite.
Off to travel elsewhere…
Dan
@ Anonymous, you said:
“I take it back to this question :: If a man is no longer on board to be the provider, how will he truly contribute to her fulfilling her life’s purpose?”
How about a shared purpose?
Don’t get me wrong, I love chivalry and generosity in men, it’s one of my attraction switches in a BIG way.
For me, though, the “provider” model has a bit too much cultural baggage. You probably didn’t mean it this way, but it evokes images in my mind of the woman who doesn’t have a life purpose of her own expecting to be provided for by a man.
When it comes to a long-term relationship, my ideal is a shared purpose and passion. A situation where we are providing for each other, working together synergistically toward a higher calling, inspiring each other, uplifting each other, and encouraging each other into higher states of being.
I can’t really see myself in a LTR unless we share a passion to make the world a better place. Without a shared purpose, where is the glue to hold the relationship together through thick and thin?
My hope is that, no matter where in the world our shared purpose takes him, every time my man thinks of me, he feels even more inspired to do whatever it is he is doing in that moment.
We’re not here to tie each other down. We are here to lift each other up.
More about purpose :: What if the conversation stopped being about possessiveness being the opposite of generosity… take a one degree shift to ask, is any interaction, be it a phone call, text, lovemaking, ski date… what have you… an act of contribution to the wholeness of her purpose or does it somehow confuse, pressure, distract? And visa versa.
This seems to relate to how good is anyone person at living in the moment without too much emotional pull or energetic sensitivity to the other…
Gone Savage… you could be the voice of the man beaming into my sphere of influence… It’s a ripe and juicy invitation… I’m on the fence… a breakthrough is just about to happen for me. A turn of the page, so to speak… The biggest question is still this because there is such a slippery element to the focus I think I need to be on purpose in my life, to provide for myself in my life outside of the relationship arena… I take it back to this question :: If a man is no longer on board to be the provider, how will he truly contribute to her fulfilling her life’s purpose?
Women certainly have the same to consider with the man… how will she serve his life purpose? It’s that intersection that intrigues me…
Thanks for the female contribution!
I think you and Hans touch on a valuable point. I feel a lot more relaxed around and attracted to women that have their own life and that can combine loving me with letting me go when I want to.
Some women are very enticing with offers of life-long devotion, but it always feels like a compromise, like flying into the cage, and ultimately it sours up the whole thing.
Same with men of course, they want to ‘possess’ the girl they’re with and limit her to limit the risk of them being cheated on. Now while I’m not the biggest fan of open relationships with people that you absolutely adore, but I do think that you should always live life as if there is no way your loved one would ever cheat on you. Fear always leads to that what you fear actually happening.
Rgds,
PhoenixRiver
belgianpua.wordpress.com
Most modern models of love and sex function on a scarcity frame of mind. There’s not enough passion to go around. We have to catch it, keep it, hoard it, put a ring on it…
When you realize passion is abundant, you start to see how it can be channeled in different directions. We harness electricity and make it useful by channeling it through wires. That electric thrill of desire and excitement can be directed the same way. You have to trust yourself to become a conduit of this ecstatic electricity to find your unique path of passion.
I talk a lot about “natural human sexuality.” I believe natural human sexuality is neither monogamy nor promiscuity. The term is artfully and purposefully vague, but I think natural human sexuality is some form of polyamory – which comes in many flavors. Which flavor is right for you is part of discovering your unique path of passion.
Here are three frames I try to keep in mind. I’m presenting them with very little explanation so you can allow them to uniquely inspire you on your journey…
1. My passion is bigger than any one person can hold.
2. You can’t expect to get all your needs met from one person. (That creates pressure, and pressure is the opposite of pleasure.)
3. Love does not give you a moral duty to impose romantic discipline on anyone else. (Possessiveness is the opposite of generosity.)
And here’s a powerful quotation just for you:
“An awakening dissolves a dream; let the force of your love dispel the lingering remnants of her childish hope to be saved by a man. Help her grow toward surrendering as the bliss of love itself – with you and without you.” –David Deida
Finally, this one is from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. I evoke this when I know distance is going to separate me from a cherished lover “until next time…” You may want to write this across the sail of the relation-SHIP you envision in your future…
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”
The moment is ripe with possibilities!
GoneSavage
Beloved Erika,
Timely post right now! Amazing how much we parallel at the moment.
Really cool!
Third Path? Absolutely!
The many in the one, the one in the many… which is it? Both and neither! HA HA! You pirates! Take that! Said from a woman’s sense of adventure and purpose.
When anyone stops searching and begins seeing with new eyes, one person can certainly be the doorway, if they are the doorway… meaning, if that’s what they surrender into. ((The many in the one))
I mean, of course it is possible! Seduction is not limited to an endless supply of booty calls! :)
And soft breasts.
So much past experience has colored our present relatedness… the wife that was too much work, the last lover who said he was long term when he was really 90 day trial period… going beyond seeing those people in our present relationships seems like an adventure in and of itself. http://www.constellationworks.com
We are on a soul’s mission to release ourselves into something beyond this as far as I can tell: Indoctrination by a culture that declares war on your satisfaction, anyone? Disenchantment anyone? ((watch Entheogenesis ~ Awakening the Divine Within for further explanation about the Disenchantment factor))
Any idea how much money is spent by Hollywood to see if they can tap into the trends, stay ahead of the curves after the last trend they manufactured blazed through us?
Okay… I’m speaking from my male side here, taking a risk… We’re restless and addicted to adventure and longing for fresh breasts that will offer the promise of ease… when we have it, we find ourselves letting go of the woman whose breasts have soaked up our troubled, spinning minds and she’s on her own to deal with her own emotions… and meet the next miracle that will lift her back to a refreshed place that will welcome us back around to her returned sense of providing mystery, enchantment, ease and comfort.
“Tethering him in a dungeon”… back to my female self here… hummmmmm… ??? It certainly can get like that… but relationship itself is NOT the cause… I’ve been both prisoner and jailer… when what I really wanted to be was co adventurer! ((My guy came home from adventures and all I got was this tee shirt and some magical connection…))
I’ve given some time to researching the effects of our bodily chemical responses to each other… particularly to dopamine… and what happens when there is too much ((aggression behaviors)) and too little ((separation needed)) and the balance… in my experience, what we think is the normal coming and going, attraction and boredom, may simply be increases and decreases in dopamine levels… all contributed to, according to one source, by orgasm! GASP! OMG! ((for the super long article, http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sex_and_the_secret ))
I am not a credible expert… I haven’t done the required research (yet) to find out if there is anything to it. I do see my past relationships seeming to suggest there is truth to the dopamine theory.
Back to Erika’s inquiry:
When I took my late night City drive, I found myself letting go of my judgment of the kinds of hang outs designed for guys that, “nice spiritual guys” just don’t go to, like stripper clubs. In further exploration, I awoke to my inner bully towards men for their interests and touched a very vulnerable place that secretly wants to be on that stage herself or there enjoying the show with a group of men ((very safe and good friends, that is)).
I wondered: Why be the downer bully girl suppressing the male sexual ecstatic? Because I don’t know how releasing controls on that power and being present to that power in myself is going to impact my consciousness and my life tomorrow. In the moment, it may feel like enlightenment. Tomorrow, I may find myself degraded, things expected of me I never intended, too many assumptions made… I may be captured by rouge pirates and consumed by the male desire force.
I may be seen as a breast and missed being seen as the tears. I may be seen as powerful but it’s not okay then to be seen as boring.
I realize my impression of sharing the male arena of sexual expression, like the stripper club, and the other women he’s lovingly banging, is currently set to, how good of a host is he going to be? Does it forge a deeper connection with him and if he can’t stand any boredom, is he for real? Can he step away from that adventure if he really wants to? Is he aware of all that is available just below that boredom and how to move into that without always resorting to “another goddess”?
I’ve been giving space to the considerations, Erika… to embrace that which the man I adore sees as beautiful, sexy, attractive… desirable. Most of what he’s attracted to, I am too! ((not always the case in our experiences))
So, where’s the nexus of all these points of view? Where is the lasting quality of love and adventure, adoration and self reliance, trust in full expression of the male and female sexual power, comfort, freshness and newness? While boredom is also okay sometimes… where the void ((Spiritual Growth ~ Being Your Higher Self)) is understood and loved too?
If a man is no longer on board to be the provider, how will he truly contribute to her fulfilling her life’s purpose? Is it ALL by our own Self Realized Creation that the world we experience is the world we choose?
xxoo