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What Is Good Sex?

Gone Is the Role-Playing, the Fast Talking, the Frenetic “Banging” … These Are the Days of Languorous and Slow …

I feel languorous and slow … Just now I finished an hour of gentle yoga here at home … It looks easy, yet it actually requires strength, flexibility, and presence … The super hyped-up, aggressive, “yang” style yoga no longer appeals to me … It’s rushing past all the nuance, the little openings of the little muscles, the subtle shifts of energy, the deep releasing breaths … that I so enjoy about yin and gentle yoga …

And this of course got me thinking about … sex.

Gone are the days of getting excited about pick-up artists and seduction. All too often, that was just a game of “fast talking, get past her objections as quickly as possible so she doesn’t find out who I really am under this facade.”

Then there’s the frenetic “role playing” of yesteryear … oh, so long gone … lost in the transcendence of duality and the full embrace of wholeness …

Now are the days of languorous and slow.

What’s the rush? I’ve been celibate again for a year and a half, meaning no man has had sexual intercourse with me for about 19 months. When opportunities have arisen, I slow everything down … I observe and I wait … and the question is always the same …

Is this a man who can give me what I want?

So far the answer pretty much always has been “no.”

Is this a man who can give me what I want?

Please don’t confuse this with “being nice and agreeable.” A nice and agreeable man is about as far from real presence as a starfish is far from the stars.

Learning sexual techniques – while it may be a helpful addition to the skills I’m looking for – will not give a woman the transcendent experience she yearns for in her soul.

Being fully present, which is exceedingly rare, will help a lot. Yet if that presence is only for a moment, and you have no clarity about what you want from this woman beyond that moment … then you may be able to create a peak experience together … that will be followed most likely by drama and pain …

A big no thank you to that.

Languorous and slow … The question I’m silently asking every man I consider the possibility of having sex with is …

“Have you done your inner work?”

Most of the time, the answer is “no.” And so he’s not the kind of man who can provide both the strength and the gentleness and the presence and the clarity to be with me in sex the way I am being with myself in yoga … or in massage … or the other ways I have learned to connect with my divinity …

Which means I experience less joy with him than without him. He feels like a drain on my energy. Or my intuitive sensors flash a “red alert” because his frenetic drive to overcome my intuition feels all ways of wrong.

Languorous and slow … what’s the rush? Haven’t you heard about all those “perfect seeming” marriages that have been sexless for years? The long painful ride to divorce … Is it really worth sacrificing your happiness out of fear because of what some “expert” claims about your “biological clock”?

Nope … I’ve got all the time in the world. I remain as God created me.

Deep in a yin yoga pose, nothing can be avoided … that pain is coming up … maybe sometimes I even cry … There’s no more turning back from the pain, there’s no more avoiding the eyes of the other, it’s not even pain anymore … Fully present, fully exploring every nuance … or go home …

Can you hang with me in languorous and slow?

Love,

Erika Awakening, High Priestess of Miracles at TAPsmarter

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Man Ccocx says:

    "What is good sex?" Is a good article. I too, have been celibate for over a year now! I have total piece of mind, and happy, more happy than my last relationship! Strange but True! So.., I'm figuring this out that a relationship is about connection, in such a way that it is powerful when it is mutual, and that there has to be no fear of any kind! The connection is never based on what possessions anyone has! listening to your heart beats and respond accordingly…, For how long after staying this long without sleeping with a woman? How do I even begin to tell a woman about such experience, if I don't know what she is all about? With you because you are open, it is pleasure for me to be open to you…

  2. Kundan says:

    There was a time in my life last year when I felt the same. I was enjoying being with the Presence so much that I realized that my primary relationship would always be with the Presence. And these days, I feel the same way. “Is being with her worth intruding into the joy of Solitude?” That’s my criteria for being with a woman. My second criteria is: “Would we be able to co-create something beautiful together that would heal the world and make it a better place” And yes, the answer can be a Yes only if the woman has done her inner work.

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Yes and I would add to that, for the relationship to have any value it must be an offering to the world. And so exclusion and specialness cannot be a part of it …

  3. Manccocx says:

    “What is good sex?” Is a good article. I too, have been celibate for over a year now! I have total piece of mind, and happy, more happy than my last relationship! Strange but True! So.., I’m figuring this out that a relationship is about connection, in such a way that it is powerful when it is mutual, and that there has to be no fear of any kind! The connection is never based on what possessions anyone has! listening to your heart beats and respond accordingly…, For how long after staying this long without sleeping with a woman? How do I even begin to tell a woman about such experience, if I don’t know what she is all about? With you because you are open, it is pleasure for me to be open to you…

    • Erika Awakening says:

      Hi Manccocx, thanks for commenting. Yes celibacy can be quite a powerful experience, especially for letting go of our stories (e.g., http://erikaawakening.com/without-your-story).

      I agree possessions don’t need to be important, but if someone has a “lack of money” story running, that certainly creates interference with presence for me. Those who recognize they have everything never need to be in a place of lack with money.

      When we start questioning our stories, everything starts to shift …

  4. Krista Nepenthe says:

    Brilliant and so needed right now

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