How to Attract Women, Even the Ones Least Likely to Have Sex with You
I’ve been posting some on RSD Nation, which is a site for guys who want to have better connections with women. Lots of great guys there. The energy feels pretty intense on the site, from a girl’s perspective. Not too surprising, with over 1000 guys on there at any given time. I posted this story over there, and it created a bit of a stir.
This photo is from the day at Burning Man that’s mentioned in the story. But the guy in the photo is a different guy.
I have been celibate for over four years now. Lots of dating, some physical intimacy, but zero full-on sex. Believe me, I have taken the concept of LMR to a whole new level. In fact, I hadn’t made out with anyone for probably six months. But last night, I came very close to being seduced by a guy who is overflowing with what guys in the community call “natural game.” It was … exquisite.
So how do you seduce a girl who has been celibate for four years? And how does it feel to that woman when she is being seduced?I will tell you. It’s a long post, but I wanted to give you guys as many details to work with as possible.
As you are reading this recounting, ask yourself “what is he seducing?” I’ll give you a hint: it’s NOT my body.I also want to emphasize that a guy could NOT pull off what this guy is saying and doing unless he has a very congruent masculine energy.
I’ve been talking on this forum about the importance of bringing a spiritual dimension to your dating life. The encounters described here only happened because you have two people coming together who are operating in a field of deep Empathy, Non-Judgment, and Presence. When you step into this field, magic happens. The masculine and feminine polarities have this amazing space in which to play.
You will also see the total absence of game-playing. Transparency is SEXY.
Ok, enough preface, here we go:
So I’m very innocently minding my own business at a daytime party at Burning Man a few weeks ago. I’d come to the party with three guys, but somehow ended up standing by myself briefly by the taco stand.This guy materialized out of nowhere. So obviously no hesitation in the approach. He was standing right in front of me, significantly closer to me than you normally do at a party, just inches from my chest, and looking straight into my eyes, powerfully holding my gaze. I felt the connection with him INSTANTLY, probably before he even said five words. I could feel it in my entire body. This is what I mean when I say you can’t ignore the spiritual aspect. We all carry around an energy field, and if you haven’t bothered to clean yours up, you’re not going to be able to do what he did, which was instantly, non-verbally connect with me.
Very quickly, nonetheless, I put up my best defense:”So I’m totally feeling this connection with you, and tons of chemistry. But you need to know that I am totally celibate. I’ve been celibate for four years. Not only that, but if I even think about having sex with a guy, divine intervention seems to move circumstances around and make it totally impossible.” Lol :-) you have to admit most guys would be freaked out by that!
His response: Curious non-chalance and just smiling away like he’s mildly amused. He engaged me about it but didn’t seem concerned at all. When I tried to put my sunglasses back on, he said, don’t do that, I want to see your eyes. He said it with that masculine presence that makes a woman feel like, yeah, I’m safe with this guy. He has authority, he knows what he wants, he knows how to express it. And he’s complimenting me at the same time.
He then proceeded to kiss me (totally out of the blue), and invite me to go with him right then and there to the “Critical Tits” party (which, for the Burning Man-uninitiated, consists of about 500 girls riding bicycles topless on the playa). Lol :-) What that conveyed to me was a lot of confidence, a beautiful sexual energy, spontaneity, and total freespiritedness. Plus the fact that he was smiling showed a sense of humor about the whole thing.I told him I was there with my three guy friends, so I would’ve loved to join him but wanted to stay at the party. So he got my number and email and took off.
This all happened in about five minutes. Maybe ten tops.
Planning for Date 1
A few days after we got back from the playa, he emailed me (very short and sweet, reminding me where we met — which he didn’t need to do, because believe me, I remembered him — and asking me if I wanted to get a drink sometime). I emailed back. And then … NOTHING. For two weeks. Now if this had been game-playing, it would not have worked.
But… moth to the flame that I am, and remembering the chemistry that he had instantly created with me, I emailed him again anyway. Which I normally would not do. I said something playful like “did my celibacy scare you off? ;-)”
He then promptly reconnected with me (thus showing me he wasn’t playing games, because that would have been a big turn-off), said he had just been preoccupied (key – because it shows he is being authentic) and asked me out for that same night (also key because knowing he’s interested in me is part of what is fueling my interest in him).
I had an early dinner planned but said I could meet him after that for a glass of wine. This was mostly arranged by text. Another total turn-on: he offered to pick me up.
I know some PUA “gurus” tell you guys not to be chivalrous, that it is a chodely thing to do (I love that term, “chode,” it makes me laugh). And it probably varies from social circle to social circle. But … most of the girls I know absolutely MELT over chivalry. I feel cared for and safe with a guy who has a congruent masculine energy and also is willing to open doors, pick me up, and pay for drinks and dinner. To me, that kind of giving feels like strength. It feels like a guy who is secure, someone I can count on. You gotta read the girl, but if she’s appreciating you for it, please keep doing it.
When he picked me up, he had semi-loud music playing that was a similar vibe to Burning Man music, so in a way that was a subtle form of continuity from the initial approach to Date 1. I felt the instant energetic connection again, just like when I first met him.We went to a wine bar. He ordered for us and paid for the drinks, no hesitation, again showing that masculine strength and authority.
We were there maybe two hours. Most of the conversation was just connecting in the moment. We were both super present. Here were some of the turn-ons:
1. He did a lot of kino and sexual innuendo, but it was gentle and subtle and playful. Touched my hands a lot, putting his hands behind my lower back to pull me to him, hands up the back of my sweater in the middle of the bar (which I resisted).
2. He put his hands on mine in a way that felt very masculine/dominant to me.
3. When I talked about celibacy and about my reservations about having an exclusive relationship, he just engaged me where I was at with no judgment whatsoever and with no attachment to any outcome.
4. He was wearing two rings on his hand and a masculine necklace, which I’ve always found sexy on guys but also gave us something to talk about and an excuse for me to touch him.
5. When I said that one reason I wasn’t sure I wanted an exclusive relationship is that I wanted him to be able to be as present with everyone else as he was being with me in that moment, he said he found that very attractive (shared values and authentic appreciation – key to comfort).
6. When other people, such as the bartender, engaged us in conversation, he and I both fluidly engaged them back. We were both “at one with” the place and the people. No defensiveness or desire to exclude anyone from the fun we were having.
7. Escalating the kino but totally good natured when I playfully resisted.
The overwhelming feeling was of connection, feeling understood, and this absolutely exquisite sexual vibe. But if it had not been for the presence and empathy, the sexual vibe would not have flourished. What we had going on was tons of attraction but also DEEP comfort. Even with all this kino, the main focus was our conversation in the present moment, most of which was non-sexual. That was the solid base where this sexual energy could ground itself.
(All this time, by the way, I’m playfully telling him things like I knew he was trouble from the very first moment I met him, and that I should never have agreed to see him again. And I meant it! :-)
He mildly escalated in the car on the way home – reaching over and hand down my sweater. That shows a lot of confidence, by the way, escalating while he is driving. Somehow he even managed to weave into conversation that he thought it’d be really hot to see me with another girl. It felt totally natural. He briefly put my hand on him. Showing me he is turned on. Again, only a guy who has got his vibe handled can pull that off. He asked if I was going to invite him up for a drink, but when I declined, it was no big deal. (Not attached to the outcome)
Brief post-date text conversation:
Me: no matter what happens, let’s remember our freedom
Him: that’s the easy part
Me: what’s the hard part?
Lol :-) need I say more?
pre-Date 2 (I got a little scared, and how he handled it)
The very next day he set up Date 2 for his first available evening, but it was a week away because he was traveling. Key again is that he was transparent about this. He didn’t leave me wondering why it would be a week in between seeing him. Transparency is key because it helps a woman feel safe. This guy isn’t playing games, he’s just busy.
Still, because the chemistry was so intense and there was this time lapse between dates, I got mildly scared in between. So we had a text conversation something like this:
Me: will you still want to connect with me if I get spiritual guidance to remain celibate?
Him: yes in some way
[perfect. giving me reassurance that he's not interested in me just for sex, but also letting me know that our relationship is going to be different if we don't have sex]
Me: I feel so torn. maybe we can talk about it when we meet.
Him: All good. I’m easy.
[perfect. totally non-judgmental, unattached to the outcome, but responding and open]
Date 2 change of plans (and how he handled it)
Date 2 actually ended up getting shifted from Monday to Tuesday because he got delayed in New York. Again, though, he was totally transparent about it, so I knew he was giving me his first available evening. Don’t make women guess, guys. When people don’t know, they tend to get scared and do irrational things, and none of us want that to happen! Whether you are interested in her or not, be transparent either way. Be transparent about key details, like the fact that you’re not asking her out sooner because of reasons that are totally unrelated to her. This was key for my feeling comfort with him and secure that the attraction is mutual.
Remember, most people need to know we are interested in them for them to feel safe being interested in us. Showing interest is fine as long as you are unattached to the outcome and not putting her on a pedestal. What this guy has been doing just shows the same respect that you’d give in any other human interaction if you’re operating from a high level of social intuition (because the more in tune and empathetic people are, the more transparent they become — they are putting themselves in the other person’s shoes and communicating with others the same way they’d like to be communicated with).
So when he shifted the day of the date, I already had plans (with another guy friend, actually, to go to an event called French Tuesdays) but because I am in total non-game playing mode, I asked (via text) if he wanted to come to the event.
(A little aside: A lot of books out there are telling girls not to accept last minute dates. I personally don’t play by anyone’s rules but my own. Just be aware that a lot of women are receiving that advice and may not be as mellow as I was about the change in plans.)
Date 2 – he was going to be late (and how he handled it)
He called me, which I liked because until then we had just been texting. He was showing respect and taking authority over the interaction. This is also when I first really noticed his voice. Again, this goes back to handling your vibe. People who are in tune and present will notice your voice and can pick up your emotions and vibe from it. People who are less in tune will still pick this up, but only at an unconscious level. His voice made me MELT. Gentle, steady, and totally calm. I practically wanted to sleep with him right then and there.
So we planned a time of 7:45 pm. But we agreed to meet there because I wanted to go earlier and talk with my other friend.
He texted me later to say he would be late to the party and again was totally transparent about it. I can’t put enough emphasis on this. He said he was at the gym and really needed a longer workout. But he also added that he had a lot of stress to work out and that he needed to stay longer so that … he could really enjoy his time with me. This is key, guys. He is expressing his own needs but also respecting mine and showing me how much he is looking forward to seeing me. This is a form of assertiveness that is EXTREMELY sexy. (For a great book about this, see Don’t be Nice, be Real, by Kelly Bryson).
Now some girls are going to freak out about you being late no matter what you do — if so don’t take it personally. It’s still better to be transparent. “Communication is salvation,” my friends.
I texted back “totally cool. no worries.”
[That's funny, he just texted me while I'm writing this, to see how I'm doing and let me know about his travel plans. So adorable. :-)]
So when he finally got there, I was already all anticipation. Even after he got in the door, he decides to get a drink downstairs, while he knows I’m UPSTAIRS … texting me all the while … at this point the anticipation is pretty high ;-) I am really wanting to see him. I don’t think he did all this deliberately but in a subtle way it was building the sexual tension.
So many things went right on Date 2 that I can’t relay them all here, but here are some highlights:
1. Social fluidity. When he met my guy friend, both of them were totally cool about it. No silly ego games, just normal social conversation.
2. Sexual innuendo. When he finally turned his attention back to me, he noticed I was wearing black tights, and he said “I’d like to rip those.” Don’t ask me how he pulled that off, but it was totally congruent.
3. Lots of kino, again.
4. When we walked downstairs to get a drink, he grabbed my ass as if he were already my boyfriend.
5. Masculine vulnerability. He opened up to me about how he gets frustrated that a lot of women don’t know how to be comfortable with masculine energy. By doing that, he created comfort and trust for me because he was being vulnerable, but he did it in a strong and centered way.
6. I felt like he was really seeing me. He said I was “like the Divine Feminine.” That he appreciated how feminine I was, and how I surrendered to him, and let him lead. Gentlemen, don’t say these things unless you mean them, but this conversation was so hot it was hard to contain myself. A girl like me really wants to be seen for her femininity, and this showed a level of social intuition and awareness that I’d like to see every man have very soon. If she’s got a submissive streak, she wants you to intuit this without her having to say it and for you to start playing on that energy (she’s probably only a good match for you if you have the opposite polarity). It sounds harder than it is — this is just calibration. This is deep COMFORT where the attraction and chemistry is still being escalated.
7. Appreciation. He mentioned how happy he was that I didn’t give him a hard time about being late. This again showed me he noticed what I was doing and he wasn’t playing any games.
8. Sincere, in the moment compliments. So he didn’t say “you have beautiful eyes” (which I get all the time). He said, “I love how you use your eyes. Like what you just did right there.” It’s not a line, he is noticing things, he’s with me in the moment.
9. So many other things …
He drove me home afterwards and, without asking my permission (again, showing authority, which needs to be congruent), pulled into a random parking space to make out with me. It felt totally natural, and I was totally turned on. More highlights:
1. While he’s making out with me, he said my name a lot, which was hot, and he also used a lot of future imagery, getting me to see in my mind what it would be like to be intimate with him. All the while his hands are under my blouse, down my skirt, etc. etc. That is powerful stuff.
2. He was practically reading my mind, so he was alternating between “we’ll just take it slow” to “it seems like next time I see you we’re going to have sex” (to which, much to my shock, I found myself saying out loud, “yeah, my intuition is saying the same thing.” Lol :-) [Guys, to read a woman's mind, you need to be in a deep state of empathy and presence -- so you can poo-pooh the spiritual stuff all you want, but if you're open to it, it can totally empower you.]
3. He said “I want to dominate you.” Which with a submissive girl is about the hottest thing you can say to her, if you’re congruent.
4. I told him that if I slept with him, it wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of powerful feelings come up like being sad and scared, etc. Not only was he totally ok with that, he seemed excited by it. Guys, women want to know that you’re going to be comfortable with ALL of our emotions, not just the happy ones but the scarier ones too.
5. He said that when we have sex (which he seems to assume is going to happen, lol :-), he wants it to be ceremonious. This showed he was seeing that letting go of celibacy after 4 years was a rite of passage for me and that some celebration and recognition of that would be in order. Again, a very high level of empathy and social intuition.
I really could go on and on about all the subtle things this guy has done right and the emotional response it triggers in me. But I think I’ve given you an idea.
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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