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Erika’s "Why I don’t like condoms" speech

Someone asked me to elaborate on this … so here goes.

I don’t like condoms because they are a cop-out. They are too “easy.”

I hate how they feel. It’s like someone took the saran-wrap out and drooped it all over everything, and how can anyone stand the drippy, icky way they feel after they’ve been used?

Let’s go deeper. I feel sad when I see a used one on the sidewalk, all droopy and pathetic. What I envision is some anonymous encounter where neither person ever really connected.

Let’s go deeper. Let’s see … I’m going to engage in this incredibly intimate act with someone and then … well, it’s like wearing gloves to shake hands. How impersonal does that feel?

No … I tell you what. You want to have sex with me? Then there are no cop-outs. We go all the way. I only want to have sex with a man who understands what that means to a woman, deep down, emotionally, in her core. If I get pregnant, you’re with me. We are in this together.

Condoms are a shortcut. I’m not interested in shortcuts. They feel like a barrier. They feel like a way of avoiding true intimacy.

If we go all the way, we go ALL the way. The emotional intimacy needs to match the physical intimacy.

Otherwise, I’ll take my abstinence any day. I feel happy in my abstinence until the day my man shows up … the one who’ll go with me all the way. The one who’ll be by my side for the rest of my life in this incarnation.

That’s why I don’t like condoms. That’s why I won’t use them.

When I say no to condoms, men have no choice but to face whatever they’ve been avoiding when it comes to intimacy.

No condoms, no casual sex, no disconnected sex, no being a “girlfriend.” Either we are just friends, or you are the man who’s here with me for the duration.

I feel happy to express all that. :-)

Thanks for listening.


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About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Krista Bueb says:

    Kundan, exactly what I was wondering.

  2. Robin Cockrell says:

    So if I have herpes, my partner does not need to wear a condom? Do we become immune to the diseases already present? Millions have this disease, right now today and it's not going to go away while we sleep or tomorrow or next year.. So for those who already have diseases are they excluded or included? If I have herpes and came to one of your intimate parties, what are you going to do with me?

  3. Anonymous says:

    but yet, I just wonder, when one gets really sick, should he then not turn to science? Drugs make people with the HIV virus live a long life nowadays. Saying that you can't get sick when there is love involved is saying that women can't get pregnant when they didn't ask for the child… Would you choose to die or stay alive?

    • Jeroen Gillard says:

      Many people are unaware of the huge effect a slight increase in population growth rate has on the size of human population. Overpopulation puts extreme pressure on natural resources and on other species. Any child not really wanted is better of not being here, and so is the world. That’s one point. The other is the huge effort that has been put into rescuing the (third) world from a further spreading of HIV. Promoting use of condoms brought a great relieve in that sense. It is showing.

      There is a tremendous harm and suffering that can be caused by promoting unprotected sex and therefore the person who publicly depreciates the use of condoms is dancing at the edge of morality. Whatever the thoughts are of this woman, who some of you seem not to take for granted, she should mention to all of you: “please don’t stop using condoms, because it’s possible that I am wrong and you might get sick if you don’t”. It’s a huge responsibility to say otherwise, and in my opinion seriously questions this person’s credibility.

      Some “alternative education” could be right at the spot here:
      youtube.com/watch?v=hzQQiCPWSYA
      youtube.com/watch?v=u5iFESMAU58

      • Erika Awakening says:

        I’m more likely to say “please learn how to heal yourself and others, my friends and then you won’t need condoms anymore.”

        Like this example: http://erikaawakening.com/fritz-the-cat-miracles-of-healing-continue

      • Jeroen Gillard says:

        Sorry Erika, nobody heals an overpopulated world, an extinct animal species, a ocean full of oil, a heart of a child growing up with unloving parents, or in poverty, a sick person dying of AIDS… Saying otherwise puts people at risk and you don’t want that; because there is still a chance that what you are thinking is wrong. Don’t react, take time, think and open up for love .. putting other people, animals, our nature at risk is not an act of love.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        I am the Holy Son of God Himself. There is nothing my holiness cannot do.

        And the same is also true for you.

      • Ananymous says:

        ok – we need a docter here People. Somebody is clearly delusional. I’m very sorry. You must carry a lot of pain in you, have had things happen to you in your past that shouldn’t have happened. You better seek a psychiatrist at this point.

      • Erika Awakening says:

        Is that why you spelled it Ananymous, cuz you’re an expert on such things as holistic healing and what it’s going to take to get this planet healed? do you think we should listen to Ananymous?

  4. thanks for commenting – your comments came through on the blog and when I get a little more time, I will respond to them there and probably create a new post based on the comments. much appreciation for sharing your thoughts <3

  5. Rohit Juneja says:

    I don't think anyone likes condoms. I certainly don't. They take away spontaneity and in the most intimate moments of connection they bring a moment of disconnect. They are an emblem of our fear based world that has been led to believe that invisible germs are more powerful than the bodies natural immunity system. We have failed in recognizing our true power – spiritually, physically and mentally.
    For an entire lifetime I hid behind masks of fallibility, afraid to speak my truth for fear of being judged, ostracized and perhaps even killed for my sacrilegious opinions. I tried to fit in and failed. Then one day a door opened and I got it!! I am infallible, indestructible, powerful and nothing can harm me. The world in not an unsafe, chaotic, random place. NO!! After this moment of awakening (no I didn't see light and rainbows) I got it. I got what it means to be a spiritual being having a human experience. I became fearless. In alignment with my deepest values, I can say that I want nothing to do with fear based condoms.
    I relate completely with Erika's ideal of going deep with my lovers, uniting completely, being there till the end for each other, giving all and holding nothing back. Yet, having said that, I am also a practical person and deeply called towards open relationships. At this moment I feel that way forward is to start with caution, use the damn condom in the initial dating stages and then as the connection, the intimacy and the love deepens, as soon as possible, throw all safety and caution to the winds. I think of this as circles of intimacy that deepen gradually, tearing down all walls including those represented by the condom.
    I am visiting my elderly parents in India and my dad will sometimes tell me not to go out at night because there are accidents and robberies on some of the lonely roads here. And I smile, recognizing his fears, knowing how he has played it safe all his life. I lovingly turn around and tell him, I can't live like that. I am happy to be who I am, be spontaneous and go wherever my heart desires at anytime of the day or night. I am ready to die right now, I have lived a great life, I feel complete in every way. I have no fear. And thats where I find myself with condoms. I will not let them stand between me and my beloveds.
    I welcome germs because they only make my immunity stronger and make me more fearless. If I live for love I am also ready to die for love. Am I foolish, you bet I am and I love myself for being rash, crazy and any other judgment anyone may have. Its awesome being fearless. Try it and maybe someday we will all understand the method behind the madness.

  6. Andy Liew says:

    Yes, in the act of love making there is connection and this connection stays. So yes, having the barrier impedes such connection and make the sex disconnected. in terms of preventing pregnancy, in tantra and taoist there are ways to have multi-orgasms without ejaculations.

  7. Will Michael says:

    Will Michael: So how does this fit in with your campaign against monogamy? Sounds like you're looking for a monogamous partner or at least a partner in a lifestyle of polyamory. Would sex with other partners also be without condoms and with the same issues of ultimate responsibility to the relationship if you were to get pregnant? Just asking and wanting to know your thinking about the hypotheticals.

    • Hi Will, this article was written in 2009 so my views have evolved a bit. However, I was never looking for a monogamous partnership even back then. Commitment/continuity and monogamy are not the same thing. People have this all mixed up. I know a lot of people in extremely long-term OPEN relationships.

  8. Sarah Through Sarah says:

    Dev Shukla, this is not a theory, it comes from Universe, it is the lack of love since millions and millions of years who has made that diseases have emerged, it is not Sex itself, who is the beauty of the Sun, which brings diseases, but the lack to live it, freely and without fear, like as the sun does not cause skin cancer, it is the obvious lack to live its energie, and fear, shame and all pains have blocked existence even of the essential. There is no theory, it is not scientific, the origin of humanity has been so forgot than the bodies and minds became ill.
    One day the veil of forgetfulness will be lifted up like condoms through all humanity

  9. Sarah Through Sarah says:

    Dev Shukla, this is not a theory, it comes from Universe, it is the lack of love since millions and millions of years who has made that diseases have emerged, it is not Sex itself, who is the beauty of the Sun, which brings diseases, but the lack of beauty to live it, freely, without fear, like as the sun does not cause skin cancer, it is the obvious lack to live all beauties, and fear, shame and all pains have blocked existence even of the essential. There is no theory, it is not scientific, the origin of humanity has been so forgot than the bodies and minds became ill.
    One day the veil of forgetfulness will be lifted up like condoms through all humanity

  10. Dev Shukla says:

    Do you have any data support your theory?

  11. Sarah Through Sarah says:

    Finally a voice who knows! I never used condoms knowing full well that the one of most beautiful thing to world who is the sexe can not bring disease, fears made that such things happen

  12. Kundan Ibelieveinyou Chhabra says:

    When I read this, a line stood out, and it made me look at the date, because I had a feeling you wrote this a long time ago, and I looked, and I was right. Yup. 2009. What's that line? This: "The one who’ll be by my side for the rest of my life in this incarnation." Maybe you need to include an addendum with an update? ;)

  13. Delish says:

    I feel the VERY same way. I have only used a condom once n right away did it again without one. I felt way better not using one n it brought me n the guy way closer.

  14. Milarepa says:

    Well, I stumbled into this thread as a first-time reader of Erika. I am a practising Mahayana Buddhist for over 6 years and have the following 3 insights to share on this topic:

    1: Daria, I know people that have become pregnant the first day their period ended. It happens. They believed it would not happen due to the timing of their sex, but it did. Timing is NOT the most crucial

  15. Erika says:

    Lol, Justin. Nah, I do like sex. Ask Entropy.

    What I don't like is what I refer to as "aluminum sex," which to me means sex that is not fully connected on the emotional and spiritual planes.

  16. Justin says:

    I think its actually sex that you don't like and condoms are just an easy excuse to avoid it.

  17. Erika says:

    Condoms are defenses.

    "If I defend myself, I am attacked."

    http://courseinmiracles.com/workbook_lessons/part_1/lesson135.htm

  18. Anonymous says:

    If you feel that condoms are getting in your way to feeling truly connected to someone and sharing in intimacy, perhaps you aren't having very good orgasms.

    Because if you were having toe-curling, earth-shattering orgasms with anyone, or even yourself, the thought of a small, barely noticeable piece of plastic would be the last thing you'd be focusingvyour attention on, wouldn

  19. Deirdre says:

    Erika, I'm with you completely on this. I've never heard any talk about this before and I really like it, not because I personally dislike condoms particularly, but because you have aligned your attitude toward condoms with your larger beliefs. Thank you for bringing this idea to me – I'd never even thought about it. It's radical, hence all the resistance. I'm exasperated for

  20. Daria says:

    Stepping back in to contradict anonymous august 6th for everyone's benefit:

    Women, like all mammals, can only get pregnant after they have ovulated. The egg needs to be released from the ovary (this is called ovulation).

    This as a rule happens midcycle for a woman. Women's cycles are about a month long.

    People who WANT to conceive, ie get pregnant, can

  21. Frank says:

    lol that's one of the most stupid things I read for a while. It seems like a big rationalization on your part ("dislike") with wrapping it into spiritual sound.

    "A condom is a block to intimacy. Condoms are a shortcut.
    We are in this together. "

    This acually has nothing do do with it.

    This is my favorite:
    When I say no to condoms,

  22. Anonymous says:

    Um, Daria dear, a woman can get pregnant anytime during the month. There isn't just one specific window of opportunity. Science has long disproved the myth that you still seem to believe.

    And, I fully support Erika (and Daria) in their desire to have sex without condoms. If they want to get sick, become infertile, and/or die, that's fine with me. This is a perfect example

  23. Momotaro says:

    Erika, you're an idealist. The world needs people like you because opposing forces tend to bring us all back into the center (as a cosmic average).

    I want the same thing as you do in terms of being "all in" with someone truly special.

    I also believe in EFT, and that spiritual health = physical health. It's very real and very powerful stuff that the

  24. Sleeping wolf moon says:

    I woke up today with a pain in my fifth chakRa. the walls around mE blurred and my Vision tightened.3:10am. I always feel a connection with people, birds, rocks, spinner rims, we are all connected. I think you guys are missing the point, and that aches my heart, that you will never be able to see the view from our spiritual plane. I will pray for you all, and do yoga for you. Today my dharma will

  25. Michael says:

    Uh oh. Now Daria is upset. Now look what's happened.

  26. Erika says:

    Daria,

    I feel touched. I feel seen. I feel protected and appreciated. And I feel amused.

    Thank you for using feeling messages here. I sure wish the rest of the world would catch on to how liberating and fun feeling messages really are …

    If you ask me, what the world needs are fewer condoms and more feeling messages. Lol :-)

  27. Daria says:

    I feel FURIOUS at everyone attacking Erika!

    I feel so furious.

    Rant:

    What the fuck is wrong with you retards??? Guess what yes you can heal with spiritual peace and EFT and yeah even major diseases. Too bad for you losers if you dont believe it.

    I used to not use condoms either just like Erika, you know there is only a certain time period of the

  28. Anonymous says:

    can anyone stand the drippy, icky way they feel after they've been used?

    Are you talking about condoms here?

  29. Erika says:

    We all live with potentially harmful viruses and bacterias in our bodies and environments constantly … yet most of us don't get sick.

    Why do you suppose that is?

    I am not saying "have sex without condoms."

    I am saying "how can you engage in this incredibly intimate act with people you trust so little?"

    I am saying that

  30. Anonymous says:

    One disease that cannot be screened for in men: the strain of HPV that causes cervical cancer. Men can carry it for years and never know it.

    An incredible percentage of the population carries it, too.

    So yeah, good luck with the no-condom thing.

  31. Jason Miller says:

    I do not advocate promiscuity, as anyone who has read this blog on a regular basis well knows, but … There's a reason why many people are able to be promiscuous and come out unscathed, as one person put it above …

    What's that reason, Erika? Is it simply a function of a person's emotional or spiritual state? Certainly these factors contribute to one's immune

  32. Anonymous says:

    I feel like your denying yourself an experience in life simply because it's not "personal" enough for you. While I agree it may not allow you to fully connect with the other person when using a condom, I do feel that you can still have a very personal, fulfilling, experience. Even if you don't totally connect with the other person, you would still be connecting and learning a

  33. Erika says:

    Wow, I feel like I lifted up a rock and all these creepy crawlies started running around … lol :-)

    Is anyone else struck by how so many of us are operating with huge amounts of unexamined fear?

    "Sickness is anger taken out upon the body."

    http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/06/brother-there-is-no-death.html

    I do not advocate

  34. Jason Miller says:

    In all seriousness, though, if you guys really believe all this horrible stuff, I don't see how you can relax having sex even WITH a condom on … I'm not joking.

    That's why I don't rush into having sex with anyone either. The reality is that sex does present both a risk of pregnancy and a risk of STDs. Just like anything else, you assume the level of risk you&

  35. Anonymous says:

    Yeah I agree with you Erika I think we should all wear no condoms so we can get girls pregnant and give them stds…im not joking

  36. Galen says:

    im not trying to advertise condoms sorry for that. With a condom on you can't get any viral stds which are the most severe. The only ones you could get are those from skin to skin contact.

    So with a condom on your like 95% safe from any serious std's. So having sex with a condom is a lot safer than without. Obviously.

    Its your body and your choice. Im just

  37. Erika says:

    Michael,

    yes, you are right — boredom solved. My blog has now become a condom advertisement.

    In all seriousness, though, if you guys really believe all this horrible stuff, I don't see how you can relax having sex even WITH a condom on … I'm not joking.

  38. Anonymous says:

    does anyone really take what this bimbo writes seriously?

  39. Michael says:

    omg you should see the ones they're developing that change color according to the level of infection of the user

  40. Galen says:

    Erika, I also dislike condoms, but at this point in my life in order to protect myself i use them. A child is a huge deal, also having a fear of an STD is a huge deal. If you get hiv it will kill you no matter how spirtually healthy you are.

    You just seem like you'd be ready for the responsiblity of a child, and you can't feel as emotionally connected with a Barrier such as a

  41. Matthew says:

    Negative Belief Alert!!

    Erika this article is full of negative beliefs. I am not perfect, I use journalling to unearth negative beliefs. Here are the tapable beliefs that are screaming out at me as I read your article. I don't want to hear any excuses about not wanting to tap on these beliefs. My attitude with EFT is to tap everything, I cannot tap away positive beliefs that are

  42. Dan says:

    Several people here have said that having a frank discussion and deep connection with your partner is safer than using a condom.

    Remember that someone could sleep with 1 person their entire life in a long term, committed relationship and still have an STD. If your one boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you unprotected, you can get something incurable and not know it.

    No

  43. Michael says:

    boredom solved

  44. Jason Miller says:

    I would also like to add that herpes can ALSO be spread by kissing as well as oral sex. Cold sores are herpes. And it's even possible, though unlikely, to spread it without showing symptoms. It's estimated that 50% of the population will test positive for HSV1 or HSV2 with blood testing. Fortunately, herpes is not a serious disease at all, just a nuisance for the most part except for

  45. Anonymous says:

    I've never felt an emotional barrier from condom use but I see condoms as a sort of health cop-out. If you're *that* worried about STDs why not just get tested and only sleep with someone that takes their health as seriously as you? If you just like hooking up with anyone you're attracted to then bust out the condoms and lollies and enjoy yourself!

    People that use condoms

  46. Miss Mercedes says:

    Erika: I think the comments come from a place of your readers being baffled as well. You are out here as sort of a "teacher" or "expert" or something (anyway…someone who is asked to give a speech at a pretty high level conference) so when that person says something like:

    "I don't believe that disease can survive in someone who is spiritually healthy&

  47. Anonymous says:

    I like it … you can add to being a statistic of a single mom after some moronic PUA knocks you up and bolts after the next "target" … this makes total sense to me :)

  48. Erika says:

    Also, I have healed several of my own medical conditions with Emotional Freedom Technique.

  49. Erika says:

    I feel sincerely baffled by these comments.

    Lol @ "seed stealing" when nothing I do is anything but transparent. I'm not hiding anything, therefore it's not stealing.

    Also, many comments seem to assume a woman is sleeping around. I'm not, and I don't advocate it. As you all well know if you've read any of my posts, I'm abstinent and I

  50. Vince says:

    Sounds a lot like the old 'get pregnant with the guy so he feels too guilty to leave me' technique to me.
    Seed stealing is not cool.

  51. Anonymous says:

    And btw Spiritually Healthy people still die you moron.

    I doubt that if you got Syphilis and "felt centered and at peace" that it would magically go away.

  52. Dan the Man says:

    Sounds like a great way to get impregnated by a careless dude.

    Ever consider that your intuition may be wrong about the next guy you sleep with, and that he might not be the ideal father of your children?

    And honestly, I don't know how many female viewers you have, but do you want to give careless women one more excuse to not have their same night lay or date wear a

  53. Dasani says:

    You've misunderstood the analogy.

  54. Anonymous says:

    Erika that is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. I don't mean to make it sound like a attack but it literally is one of the dumbest things i've ever read. Just because you are spiritually healthy doesn't mean you cannot get sick or catch something. Living in your own reality is great I agree with it. But i also take into account reality so I can make improvements in

  55. Erika says:

    Jason Miller, my definition of abstinence is no penetration. That's where all the disease and pregnancy fears come from, and yes, it is different in my book than all the rest of it. Emotionally it feels like an entirely different planet once a guy has penetrated me.

  56. Erika says:

    Miss Mercedes, it's a good question, and all I can say is I'll cross that bridge when I come to it …

    Dasani, I actually don't mind my seat belt at all.

    To several of you, the pull-out method does not fit with what I'm talking about … I'm talking about going back to au natural and trusting that whatever's meant to happen pregnancy-wise will happen.

  57. PlayboyGambler says:

    Erika, do you use any other form of birth control? And after you have sex without a condom, do you have regular checkups?

  58. Michael says:

    Glow in the dark polka dotted condom fistfight in heaven. Erika, you must rrrrrreally be bored.

  59. Anonymous says:

    i don't like condoms either, pull out method all the way!

  60. Jason Miller says:

    Notice how my "stances" are good conversation starters. That's part of what I'm doing … it doesn't mean I'll never change my mind about something … it's a springboard for true intimacy.

    When I tell a guy my feelings about condoms, we end up getting to know each other at a deeper level much more quickly because the conversation is going to reveal all

  61. Dasani says:

    Erika, nobody likes condoms. Very few people enjoy seat belts or wearing helmets when they bike. But nobody is going to tell you (and I don't use 'nobody' as a call to follow the crowd, but more as a recognition of the noble ability for humans to get things right on occasion) that the reason they don't wear a seat belt or a helmet is because it's a cop out. Think about that

  62. Miss Mercedes says:

    I have a question too – please don't take it as a judgement, just a question out of curiosity alone…

    You want an open relationship with your husband (at least that's what I've gathered from reading your posts and comments) so…would you use a condom with a man who wasn't your husband and would you want him to use one with another woman? I understand the concept of

  63. Erika says:

    Notice how my "stances" are good conversation starters. That's part of what I'm doing … it doesn't mean I'll never change my mind about something … it's a springboard for true intimacy.

    When I tell a guy my feelings about condoms, we end up getting to know each other at a deeper level much more quickly because the conversation is going to reveal all

  64. Anonymous says:

    "I don't really sleep with anyone." eventually you will! how long are you gonna stay abstinent 10 years? the drive to mate is the strongest one in most humans lol

    how about the pull-out method for a change? or you want it the WHOLE WAY?

    another anonymous!

  65. -PD says:

    This is what I like so much about this blog: it's an amazing collection of all the ridiculous mysterious explanations women use. All this "no sex without the ring", "no condoms", "chivalry is not inequality" — all this is really so simple to understand. But no, it has to be romanticized! Saying you are just maximizing your mating status would not fly.
    I

  66. Aldonza says:

    This philosophy fits in perfectly with your approach to sex. I do find there is something very different about sex with and without a condom.

    That said, I don't have quite your willpower and I'm also not on birth control, so I'll be sticking with them for awhile.

  67. Jason Miller says:

    I have many questions:

    What's your stance on other forms of birth control in a marriage?

    And what if the guy tests positive for an STD before consummating the marriage? I assume that's a deal breaker.

    The "one" will have to show up ready for marriage and children immediately. You and he will take as much time as needed to get to know each

  68. Aaron says:

    I preface what I say with this. I stumbled this article and will probably never come back so I won't read any reply and I don't know you or your level of self control.

    Please keep a condom with you just in case. You may never need it, but it's better to have it and never need it, then to need it and not have it. Plus there is always the chance you will run into that sicko

  69. Anonymous says:

    Erika are you crazy? Whether or not you are sleeping with anyone is besides the point. You have to be safe. Maybe you won't be pregnant but maybe you'll catch an std. Seriously don't be stupid protect yourself when you bump uglies. I know you preach about love and connection but you forgot the basic rule of love…no glove no love. Its not a matter of connection its a matter of safety

  70. Erika says:

    In case you haven't noticed, Anonymous, I don't really sleep with anyone.

  71. Anonymous says:

    So, to be clear… does this really mean that you don't use condoms? Even though you may be sleeping with pickup artists? Or am I just being dense?

  72. ddo says:

    You Rock, Erika!

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