Years ago, when I was fully immersed in understanding the art of seduction, I wrote a blog article that was very popular entitled “We want to be seduced.”
That “we want to be seduced” article felt true at the time, yet it was incomplete. I left out something that was very important. Unfortunately, without that missing piece of the puzzle, relationships and seduction can quickly turn to pain instead of joy for a woman.
So it took some years sorting out what was missing from my model of seduction, mostly in solitude. Deep down, I knew I still wanted that beautiful dance of seduction, and yet it was not enough. It was so not enough that it was not worth having until I sorted out how it could be fully joyful without the pain.
Some weeks ago, after I tapped through one of the 30-Day Sexual Abundance Challenge videos that I recorded way back in 2012 … a video focused on self-connection … I got picked up on the ski lift by a guy I’d never met before.
I have been very committed to letting it play out slowly, as described in my Tantric Dating articles. Too many past mistakes that led to too much pain. Not going there again.
That said, there was a feeling very shortly after meeting this guy that “this is it – this is that elusive something that I’ve been waiting for all this time.”
Today while I was running a search on Google for the masculine and penetration, I found a pretty amazing article that describes in some ways what I’ve been trying to crystallize for myself. Here is how it describes the ideas of containment and penetration of the Feminine:
“The Primal dominant male is one who enjoys his dominance, and doesn’t view it in the context of degrading or devaluing the other person. It is simply so that he is the physically stronger or more combat-adept, or at the moment the most stable and comfortable with physical control of the situation, and so it is his pleasure to contain and penetrate the female.
“Though most men don’t have a problem with the penetration part of this exchange, in my observation and listening to many men and women talk about sex, most seem to have a problem with the containment element. This is problematic because Straight women and feminine Gay men, as well as a great many Lesbians need this generally. The Primal female or feminine needs this exponentially more. Lack of it means simply that nothing is going to happen.
“Why aren’t more men aware of this? In some cultures, it’s not a problem at all. Containment is a natural part of being close to someone. It’s only in western cultures, the embrace is missing.”
Bingo! What I described in “we want to be seduced” had the penetration element, but it unfortunately lacked the containment element that is so key to a Feminine woman feeling safe with her man and being able to open to him fully.
We see this blind spot writ large in the relationship President Donald Trump has with his wife Melania. Did you see the cringe-worthy video of them meeting the Obamas at the White House? Trump was all too ready to “penetrate” the Obamas … but he forgot to contain his woman first. He forgot to protect and include her in this momentous occasion of ceremony on the White House steps.
And he paid for it later with a cringe-worthy first dance at the inaugural ball, a wife who was clearly upset and really “not that into him.”
I see this viral video as a powerful sign to all of us how we need to heal the relationship between the Masculine and the Feminine by balancing penetration with containment.
For me, “containment” doesn’t only mean embracing her physically prior to and during sex. It also means containment by creating an emotional container for the relationship in which she feels safe surrendering to him fully. The commitment may be defined in various ways depending on the needs of the people involved, but without that commitment … oh watch out. Nothing is more terrifying than a Feminine who has been abruptly left flapping in the breeze after her deepest vulnerability.
And so I reflect again on the ski lift meeting and how this guy made such a deep impression so quickly.
He was containing and penetrating me within two minutes of meeting me, that’s how.
Let’s replay it.
What was the first thing he did as the chair lifted us off the snow?
“Are you a bar down kind of girl?” And he reached for it and pulled it down as I was saying yes.
There you go, I’m contained.
Wow, that is absolutely stunning subcommunication, don’t you think?
He’s basically asking me straight up if I’m a Feminine energy woman who wants to feel safe, protected, and contained, and doing it under the guise of something utterly sexually neutral.
Then, maybe one more minute into this chair lift ride, I was crying out in pain because my feet were cramping up in my boots.
He suggested maybe I should loosen them, that might help.
Then he leaned over, asked if I minded if he loosened them for me, and started unbuckling my boots.
He’s literally undressing me on the ski lift, within two minutes of meeting me.
This is penetration, again under the guise of something that is “not sexual.”
The subcommunication, though, was highly sexual.
And at an unconscious level where the deepest impressions are made, he demonstrated himself to be a man whose very BEING in this world is containment and penetration of the Feminine.
Cuz you can’t fake this stuff.
I’m not ready yet to share all the details of how this has translated into one of the hottest nights I’ve ever spent in bed with a guy, weeks later. The relationship is still fledgling and we haven’t yet had intercourse.
I do though point out how fast a man can start creating massive attraction with a woman by containing her and penetrating her.
As our President demonstrates, penetration is not enough. The Masculine role is to protect and contain so the Feminine can feel safe to express and play and surrender.
Love,
In the Hebrew Bible we are taught that the soul and the spirit are completely separate and that only when both are present in the same body and in the proper balance do we have the “abundant life” that has become so cliche among so many Christians who have no idea of the real meaning of this fundamental biblical teaching.
The predominant modern view, whether you talk to Christians or anyone else is an opinion that the soul and the spirit are one and the same. Lacking the proper understanding of the separateness of these two things, and the proper function of each everything is out of balance and does not function correctly.
Why do I think it was important to bring this into the discussion and particularly as a comment to this answer? Because in biblical symbolism the soul is symbolically represented as a woman and the spirit is represented as a man. The analogy then applies to each of us individually and to our masculine and feminine halves; it applies to a couple and it applies also to a king (or government in general) and the people being ruled over, who are often portrayed in biblical symbolism as a woman, especially as a wife. Trump was mentioned as an example in this and it is quite fitting, even in ways you don’t seem to see yet, but that has more to do with additional levels of meaning this society just does not teach than anything you may have missed. The same things you saw in Trump’s marriage also show up in his governing/business management style and are why he has been getting himself in so much trouble with so much of the populace.
In biblical symbolism there are two (maybe we should say three) different kinds of wife, and each has a different relationship with her husband. The most common wife is the bondservant type. We used to find this as the most common type of wife taught in Christianity as demonstrated by the traditional marriage vow for the woman where she promised to obey her husband. This is as opposed to the marriage to a free woman who is an equal partner, has her own property rights where she can even hold property separate from that of her husband and he cannot tell her what to do with it. What comes into the marriage with her also leaves with her if the marriage fails.
I won’t concern us much with the third type because it is really more like a subcategory of the marriage to a bond woman. By Hebrew law a bondservant is not a slave and cannot be treated as one. A male bondservant is to be released at the end of the bond term, and under modern definition is an indentured servant. A female bond servant is taken into the master’s household “for life” but is either taken as a daughter with all the rights thereof, or as a wife, with all the rights thereof, and there are legal provisions for this relationship to be ended if the master refuses to treat her properly. She is not property, and like all servants (even slaves) she has certain rights which, if breached by the master, can end the contract (bond).
The third kind of wife is a slave. Under biblical law slavery was allowed but only under certain conditions that in practice were rarely, if ever, met. The only legal way to be made a slave was to be taken as a war captive (booty, not POW — the latter was not allowed as all males of fighting age were to be killed once the enemy was vanquished.) The slave was property and could be bought and sold at will, but a man was allowed to take her as his wife, which essentially gave her the same rights as a bondwoman and elevated her out of slavery.
Under biblical law there is no difference between a man’s business and his family. His business is part of his household and his employees whether long-term contract (bond servants) or slaves are his children. Paul, the consumate legal expert and prosecutor until God threw him off his horse on the road to Damascus, tells us in Galatians 3 the heir is no different from a slave while he is a minor; indeed, most of his teachers will be slaves or servants working for his father. This shows us that these matters apply not only to the relationships between men and women but also to the relationships between business partners, and other relationships as well.
Where you use the terms containment and penetration I prefer the biblical terms covering and knowing. These occur at various levels in every relationship of every type, and in our modern world they are almost always out of balance in some way, however, since your post here concerns the relationship between a man and his wife (legal or otherwise).
On a quick aside here, the biblical definition of marriage is intercourse. No ceremony is necessary. Nor is this intercourse necessarily physical. Physical intercourse makes us one flesh (body); a deep knowing of each other on the mental and/or spiritual levels makes us one soul and/or one spirit. So for our purposes here I will refer to the couple in this kind of relationship man and wife where they meet the modern legal definition or not. Lesser relationships are going to be something like parent and child, siblings, friends (in descending order of intimacy) or even less intimate still.
You mentioned Donald and Melania Trump and their behavior at the Inaugural celebrations. What you see here is a classic bond wife relationship. He penetrates her and knows her well, but she is not allowed to penetrate him and know him very well at all. She takes orders but never really knows what he is doing or more importantly why he is doing it. She is not his partner, business or otherwise.
He contained/covered her and the arm candy he was expected to provide for these celebrations
HI Myron, if you want to complete the comment, I can then delete this and republish.
You’ve nailed this, spot on. I had no idea what safety in a relationship felt like until I met my husband (and soulmate, though that word is so overused these days). He told me early on that he had discovered that:
1) women want an emotional journey
2) men provide the journey, not with drama but by creating a container
Culturally, for decades now we women have been encouraged to focus on our masculine traits and energies. Of course this will conflict with the masculine in men and cause many men to feel emasculated. This is what drives the ugly side of PUA culture and results in sexual entitlement, rape, etc. I’m oversimplifying but you get the idea.
Conversely, men have not felt safe developing their inner feminine. This bs starts in infancy – “don’t cry”, “be a man”, calling men “girls” and “pussies” as a putdown, etc. How would a man know how to create a container for a woman if he’s not ever felt safe with his own inner feminine?
We have so much work to do…sigh.
I teach women how to unlock their feminine nature, and that they’ve probably for years been pushing it away because it didn’t feel safe. We also have to create our own safety. When we feel safe, then we can truly allow a man to penetrate us emotionally as well as physically.
Great post, Erika! I really enjoyed it.
Talyaa!!! I am so happy to see you on the blog. Thank you for sharing about your intimate relationship. I’ve seen and loved so many of your posts, yet I’ve never heard you express all this before. And … for everything I see out in the dating advice world, I don’t see a lot of teachers teaching about creating the container. There’s lots of teaching for penetration for sure, and it becomes toxic when it’s not balanced. Looks like fertile ground for new directions for the massive dating advice industry :)
i said privacy and intimacy in exchange to protection and attention
that’s a commitment
This article strikes quick at the heart of western men who have never been taught the power of the balanced masculine. Our true role and nature in a relationship, is to make women feel truly considered in all ways. To feel safe, protected, and beautiful and only then do we get to relish in the full power of the feminine. Once a women feels safe she will let her hair down. Once a woman feels protected she wil relax and open in order to show her appreciation. Once a woman feels beautiful, she shares her true beauty. When all 3 conditions exist within a relationship magic happens and the rest of the world fades away. This magical balance of the masculine/feminine is what we all seek in a relationship whether we admit it or not is a whole other topic on self-awareness.
Thanks Gary, for your thoughtful comment. Safe, protected, and beautiful – yes I like that.
This goes quite well with the four elements of leadership. The first is Safety. Whether in the corporate environment, personal or family, you need to feel safe first. Safe and contained, yet open to trust. Allowed to make mistakes with out being ridiculed.
Yep exactly … it’s the safety and trust that is the foundation for everything else.