Comments on: How Specialness Ruined Sex for Everyone

By: Erika Awakening

Erika Awakening — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 03:56:07 +0000

In reply to JBY.

Hi JBY,

Thanks for commenting. I suppose what you’d hear in a lot of my recent writings is an insistence that intimacy be established long before sex. There are many unanswered questions for me about what happens then. Surely restricting intimacy to one person while mostly avoiding it with everyone else is just as much avoidance as what you are talking about …

Also limiting the idea of sitting in discomfort to one “special” romantic partner … well, I sat in extreme discomfort this entire summer with myself and my cat. It was the most intense experience I’ve ever had. Most would have “checked out” by opting for euthanasia. I just stayed with it, every painful little bit of it, until it shifted. And still staying with it, until he is fully healed. So avoidance? Nope.

You might find it interesting, wrote some about it here: http://erikaawakening.com/guardian-angels/

cheers.

By: JBY

JBY — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 03:31:23 +0000

The prevailing theme I’m getting from this post is fear and avoidance, and while I find it a rather sad commentary in and of itself, I find it far sadder that so many people on this thread have been so hurt by their experience with love as to be fooled into agreeing with you.

The line “I have learned that specialness leads to nothing in the end but pain” demonstrates the underlying rationale behind your intentional avoidance of true intimacy with others. So what if there’s pain?? So what?? The true strength in presence of which you speak comes from the ability to sit with the messy, difficult parts of ourselves–to rest in discomfort. Not to wish it or rationalize it away.

Sex is not intimacy, as I’m sure you recognize. And multiple studies have shown that sex without intimacy eventually loses its appeal. Yes, you can have sex with every single person you come across (which I wholeheartedly doubt you actually do) and stroke your ego with this deluded definition of equanimity. But with this rigid ideology you’ve adopted you’re actually just giving up one prison for another one of your own making.

I wish you and everyone else here the best in your respective journeys. We’re all just trying to find our path.

By: Rebecca Swenor

Rebecca Swenor — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 04:59:20 +0000

We should never let past experiences ruin our future. New relationships will never work out if we do. Thanks for sharing

By: ArcheAge

ArcheAge — Sat, 20 Sep 2014 12:15:46 +0000

I think / work if we can think about a cup of coffee

By: Eric

Eric — Wed, 22 Jan 2014 06:18:02 +0000

You wrote the following on facebook and this seemed to be the closest blog post I could find to the topic.
https://www.facebook.com/erika.awakening.3/posts/10202814695959296?stream_ref=1
We can view special relationships – whether open or monogamous – as a form of addiction. Addiction to a person. And the problem with addictions is that we make our happiness and our identity dependent on something outside of ourselves. Well, next thing you know disrespectful behavior is happening and we are tolerating it because the “relationship” has become more important than our self-respect. And then we wonder why we are feeling miserable in our marriage, have out-of-control children, health issues, and are breaking our word about things that matter. The problem is we have no solid values and instead have based everything on a source of happiness outside of ourselves. The most powerful use celibacy had for me was to free me from my special relationship addiction. I learned how to be happy without sex and without a partner. Which makes it very easy to stand my ground in the face of disrespectful behavior.
—
Have you written anywhere about how children would be raised in a situation without special relationships? It would seem to me that being a parent would enforce a special relationship with the other parent — the two parents being special to each other by way of each being responsible for the child. And by being a child, the child can’t help but require some sort of special relationship with some sort of caretaker.
That might even lead to another question since the nature of a baby is to be needy and so does that serve to teach this need for specialness right from birth?
I could do some wild conjecture at this point, but I don’t think that my limited understanding of this would come up with anything useful.

By: Gary Grant

Gary Grant — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 04:29:01 +0000

This blog entry invites people to a very unhealthy path that will lead to 'failure to bond'.
Constantly fortifying and engaging in romance and commitment with ONE PARTNER is the highest degree of spiritual journey. Who we create ourselves to be, for ourselves, for our partners, for our family and friends and for our dreams, while holding committed relationships as sacred, brings a faith to life that is incomparable with 'follow your lust' thinking.
Let no one shake your faith or disparage your faith in love and romance. Its real, it's true, it's possible … and its great.

By: Erika Awakening

Erika Awakening — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 05:03:19 +0000

In reply to Brett.

Hi Brett,

These are such great questions that I may turn this into another blog post … The short answer is this is not about forbidden fruit, it’a about honest everyone-knows-about-everyone sharing … Healthy relationships are non-co-dependent relationships, and this is easiest to attain when everyone involved has options and not giving anyone else “exclusive” access to themselves … it’s a much longer conversation though so I think an article would be best … thanks for the questions … :)

By: Brett

Brett — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 05:01:19 +0000

Giving your transformation to non monogamous relations, Are you more turned on while sleeping with men who have adopted a non monogamous approach to dating? Vs… a man who is in a monogamous relationship? When refering to the latter does the turn on stem from the forbidden fruit, the challenge of being with a man who is off limits? Or is it because you have what another women has without her knowing? Or is strictly pertaining to men in non monogamous relations because all parties are free to share in a man who you found worthy…

By: Erika Awakening

Erika Awakening — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 04:36:41 +0000

In reply to luis.

Hi Luis,

Jealousy is fear, and fear is not our friend. So most of my fear has already been cleared ( for example with this – http://tapsmarter.com/fearless) … and whenever jealousy rears its ugly head, I clear it. Sharing and expansion are way too fun to be held back by stupid things like jealousy and fear …

By: luis

luis — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 04:32:51 +0000

Hi Erika, I have been seeing lots of your posts about monogamy. My question is: don’t you ever feel jealousy about a man that you like to have sex with having sex with another woman? isn’t jealousy a natural feeling we all have?