Why Monogamous Relationships Always Become Co-Dependent

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

― Henry David Thoreau

Philippe Lewis Erika Awakening

Philippe Lewis and Erika Awakening at recent polyamorous party

A few days ago, I received an amazing letter from one of our blog readers. We will call him “Matt.” His letter is amazing because in its painful honesty, it sums up the problems of monogamy so clearly and poignantly. Let’s get straight to his letter:

Dear Erika,

I wanted to thank you for all your recent posts regarding monogamy. You are such an inspiration in your bravery to face this head on. I write this because you’ve inspired me. I don’t know what exactly I’ve been inspired to do but I do feel inspired.

You see, I started studying “A Course in Miracles” back in 2001 and it has shaped my views in many ways. Over the years, I’ve felt that I didn’t quite fit in this society due to my views regarding exclusion, etc. so I’ve learned to stay quiet.

Regarding sexuality, I’ve read several books on sex and polyamory including “The Ethical Slut and “Sex at Dawn” and have come to realize that I am not monogamous and your articles make so much sense to me. I got married 4 years ago to a woman that said she was open minded, etc. but as soon as we were married, things ended. I believe that I have a beautiful, healthy, sex positive belief system but my wife labeled me a sex addict and I started attending sex addicts anonymous meetings 3 years ago. I think sex addiction is a bunch of sex negative bullshit but I still go to keep the peace. She’s always paranoid I’m cheating on her and about a year ago, she put filters on our computers so that she knew what I was looking at online.

I mention this because, although I love this woman, I don’t think I can stay with her. The paranoia is intense and our marriage has been slowly breaking down over the past few years. It doesn’t help that since we were married, we have sex 8-12 times a year.

Over the years, I started studying Tantra and found Kamala Devi and polyamory. Since then, I’ve been drawn to the open and honest communication required to be in an open relationship and the beauty of connecting emotionally with other people. I have to be very careful what I say to my wife, who I look at, what I do or else it becomes her accusing me of wanting to cheat on her or starting an argument based in fear. All I want is to be able to talk to my partner openly and being able to share our lives with each other, no matter what is going on or what our thoughts or fantasies, we go to each other and care for each other. I crave that level of open communication and desire it more than anything else.

In the meantime, I keep my beliefs and fantasies to myself and pretend like I never find another woman attractive and continue reading posts like yours to give me hope and inspiration of the beauty of being part of such a loving community and of the open, honest communication I so crave. Thank you so much, I’m so grateful to see that communities like yours exist!

– Matt

Oh Matt. Sigh. Your letter is not at all surprising to me because this is what is going on “behind closed doors” all over the world. This is what monogamy breeds. Limitation. Lack of honesty. Holding ourselves and others back. Imprisonment. Going behind each other’s backs. And ultimately, when people can’t stand it any more … it leads to cheating and even more dishonesty.

sex special

“Don’t fence me in” … to monogamy and co-dependency I say “no thank you.”

Monogamous relationships always become co-dependent
, and it is easy to see from this letter why that is. Once we have agreed to let any one person or entity (even an employer or a government) be our EXCLUSIVE source of anything, be it sex, love, money, or anything else … We are no longer free to be our full authentic selves. Often the self-censorship begins in very subtle ways – while the “honeymoon period” lasts and people are still on their “best behavior.” But the longer the dependency goes on, the more frequently and extremely the censorship and holding back become.

It is not at all surprising that most monogamous people become totally BORING. How could they not become boring? First of all, they are not having the exposure to a wide variety of people who would keep alive all the different aspects of themselves. Second, in any exclusive arrangement, fear is going to creep in. And pretty soon it’s not okay to speak our truth. Not fully. We might “offend” our partner and “get cut off” from sex or other benefits. And then be left in the painful position of having to choose whether or not to “end” the relationship. Which, because we’ve allowed the co-dependency and addiction to get so deep … is going to be difficult and hard to face.

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

― Henry David Thoreau

What is the answer to this? NEVER give up your freedom.

NEVER agree to exclusive arrangements. Don’t agree to them with lovers, friends, employers, governments, families, or anyone else. Treasure your freedom and maintain it against every temptation to imprison or be imprisoned. Healthy relationships arise from two people who are standing on their own two feet. The inner strength and independence required for healthy relationships are always compromised – and ultimately destroyed – by exclusivity. So don’t do it.


Let me know what you think about Matt’s situation and what we can do about it …

If you missed the earlier articles about monogamy, check them out here:

Five Reasons Why Monogamy Is An Absolute Bar to World Peace

How Monogamy Is Like Racial Segregation

How Specialness Ruined Sex for Everyone

Saving the Planet One “Orgy” At A Time


Erika Awakening, Teaching People How to Create Everyday Miracles at TAPsmarter

Erika Awakening is one of the world’s foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and living life on your own terms.