I hesitated a moment before deciding to share this one. But it feels right, so here goes.
Tonight I went out with Czech Girl. She looked stunningly beautiful, as always. She started circular dating a while back and seems much more relaxed.
We had a lovely chat, and then we both felt like going home early. So we did. We don’t force anything anymore, there are no shoulds.
Something really major shifted for me in the past few weeks. A lot of hot, intense energy moved through me. And then I moved into this really peaceful place.
What I realized though — and Czech Girl is feeling the same way — is that I’m bored of dating. The “special relationship” (this is a Course in Miracles term) holds no appeal for me anymore.
I was angry, but that’s gone now. I was sad, but that’s gone now too. I felt some level of attachment to a number of my past lovers, and now that’s also gone. The compulsion that I was feeling to be in touch with them mysteriously disappeared.
I feel like I’ve moved into empty space.
I don’t think it’s an accident — and this is the part I wanted to share with you all — that I found a major “core belief” during these past couple of weeks. In Emotional Freedom Technique, when you find a core belief this big, it’s like hitting the jackpot. When you clear a major core negative belief, usually life starts to change very miraculously.
So this belief was an abandonment belief. My whole life I had been creating triangles. So I’d bond with one person very deeply, then that person would bond with someone else, and then ultimately I would lose both of them. This has happened so many times in my life, it’s uncountable. And it had been devastating … every time.
But I think I found the root … and pulled it out. It goes all the way back to the crib. I don’t even remember it, but my parents told me how they left me crying all night in the crib, and only this week I finally saw the pattern. My parents — the couple — would go off and enjoy intimacy, and I would be left alone, crying in my crib. I recreated that scenario over and over and over again in my life. A bizarre sort of Oedipal complex. The same story over and over, always hoping for a different ending, always devastated.
These are the patterns that we erase with EFT. I don’t need to play this painful pattern out even one more time. But I would have played it out indefinitely if it weren’t for EFT.
Now I feel free. Now the strange compulsion to play out that script has disappeared.
I am left with empty space. I have no idea what will fill that space. I feel no desire anymore for any man, and that lack of desire is a very foreign feeling to me.
But I am reminded of this line from A Course in Miracles:
“What you leave as vacant, God will fill.”
Good night, everyone.