Is this the end of Desire?

I hesitated a moment before deciding to share this one. But it feels right, so here goes.

Tonight I went out with Czech Girl. She looked stunningly beautiful, as always. She started circular dating a while back and seems much more relaxed.

We had a lovely chat, and then we both felt like going home early. So we did. We don’t force anything anymore, there are no shoulds.

Something really major shifted for me in the past few weeks. A lot of hot, intense energy moved through me. And then I moved into this really peaceful place.

What I realized though — and Czech Girl is feeling the same way — is that I’m bored of dating. The “special relationship” (this is a Course in Miracles term) holds no appeal for me anymore.

I was angry, but that’s gone now. I was sad, but that’s gone now too. I felt some level of attachment to a number of my past lovers, and now that’s also gone. The compulsion that I was feeling to be in touch with them mysteriously disappeared.

I feel like I’ve moved into empty space.

I don’t think it’s an accident — and this is the part I wanted to share with you all — that I found a major “core belief” during these past couple of weeks. In Emotional Freedom Technique, when you find a core belief this big, it’s like hitting the jackpot. When you clear a major core negative belief, usually life starts to change very miraculously.

So this belief was an abandonment belief. My whole life I had been creating triangles. So I’d bond with one person very deeply, then that person would bond with someone else, and then ultimately I would lose both of them. This has happened so many times in my life, it’s uncountable. And it had been devastating … every time.

But I think I found the root … and pulled it out. It goes all the way back to the crib. I don’t even remember it, but my parents told me how they left me crying all night in the crib, and only this week I finally saw the pattern. My parents — the couple — would go off and enjoy intimacy, and I would be left alone, crying in my crib. I recreated that scenario over and over and over again in my life. A bizarre sort of Oedipal complex. The same story over and over, always hoping for a different ending, always devastated.

These are the patterns that we erase with EFT. I don’t need to play this painful pattern out even one more time. But I would have played it out indefinitely if it weren’t for EFT.

Now I feel free. Now the strange compulsion to play out that script has disappeared.

I am left with empty space. I have no idea what will fill that space. I feel no desire anymore for any man, and that lack of desire is a very foreign feeling to me.

But I am reminded of this line from A Course in Miracles:

“What you leave as vacant, God will fill.”

Good night, everyone.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. Kismet, Tracy, and Filipa,

    Thank you so much for the great comments. I need to run right now, but I intend to circle back and riff with you all a bit …

    This may be worth another blog entry, it seems to have struck a chord with a lot of people here and on Rori's blog.

    Thank you … your comments mean a lot to me, it's nice to know we're all in this

  2. Even though my baby sister would make her crib go from wall to wall by bashing her brains out on the end of it, and I felt helpless to do anything to stop her or myself from feeling utter anguish from the violence going on in our house that was causing this, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. And now, through the tears triggered by your "Stories about Us" theme, and

  3. "My question for you is — forget about the present moment for a moment — when do you remember first feeling this way, in any situation?

    Think back as far into the past as you can. Early childhood even. Or as a teenager."

    If I go as far back as my early years, it'd be when I was around 3-4 years old when my mom gives me a shower and I'd feel uncomfortable

  4. Erika,
    Thanks for the link.I have often felt that i had so many fears piled up inside of me and i even have a health issue related to just that….
    What you say makes a lot of sense to me and i am glad that i am making headway in trying to accept and embrace my fears as well as identify and shift my limiting beliefs….
    I have downloaded an EFT Program to help me start up and i

  5. "Sometimes, I'd feel like I'm dirty, trashy or slutty if I know that many of my male friends or just males,are attracted to me."

    Kismet, thanks for your comment. My question for you is — forget about the present moment for a moment — when do you remember first feeling this way, in any situation?

    Think back as far into the past as you can. Early

  6. Anonymous says:

    …likely an end to attachment to these lovers… Desire is fundamental to the universe's evolution. Its egoic, fear based, "lack" centered, desire that must end in order to evolve and ascend in consciousness.
    Love and Light

  7. Anonymous says:

    You need more Johnny in your life!

  8. I love reading your blog. I'm trying to figure out what my is the root of my discomfort also.

    Sometimes, I'd feel like I'm dirty, trashy or slutty if I know that many of my male friends or just males,are attracted to me. I should be seeing the positive in this because I have a wide circle to chose from but I can't. If I'm the only girl hanging out with my guy

  9. Thanks for letting me know, Daria.

    Wow, writing this post made me realize something. I have figured out all these "advanced" techniques for using EFT that could be really helpful to people.

    Like this one is "Tapping on Stories Your Parents Tell You About Things You Don't Actually Remember."

    Or my friend last night telling me about some

  10. OMG Erika I do this too! I totally create 3 people type relationships where I feel like they're my parents and I'm a child!

    Wow I want to heal this also!

    yay for writing about it thanks!

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