PostFeminine Introduces A New Definition of FemininityHow to Be Feminine Mystique, Power and Grace: A New Definition of Femininity
How to be feminine in today’s world? It’s such an important question as the Divine Feminine is awakening after being suppressed for centuries by men and women alike. Feminine mystique, feminine power, and feminine grace. We hear these terms a lot, but what does femininity mean in these confusing times when men often act like women, and women often act like men?
Rejecting the Traditional “How to Be Feminine” Teachings
A few years ago when my life was a mess, I turned to some “dating advice for women” books and coaches. They told me what my “problem” was. They said, in essence, I was “not feminine enough.” And because by that point in my life, I had learned to give my power away in all areas of my life, I naively believed them and spent a lot of time and money trying to learn “how to be feminine” in the “proper” way. The general idea of these teachings was to tell women “how to be feminine” by being passive, not asking for what we want directly, letting men “lead,” and generally making a lot of assumptions about “how men think” and “the way men are.” I then spent the next couple years in abject frustration, because the more I “tried” to fit this cookie cutter definition of femininity, the worse my life was getting.
I have now wholeheartedly rejected that cramped definition of femininity. I rejected it on the best basis I know how to keep or reject anything: results. The results were horrible. Not only did my love life not get better. It got worse. A lot worse. That is because I was putting on “airs” of feminine mystique, power, and grace, instead of just being myself and tapping in to my deepest values of honesty, integrity, compassion, and treating other people (including men) the way I would like to be treated. Most of the teachings of the “how to be feminine” communities are nothing more than limiting beliefs. And limit me they did. Until one day I had enough, and I said, “uh, hey wait a minute, nobody is going to run my life with this bullshit.”
One of the greatest fallacies of the “how to be feminine” teachings is the assumptions that are taught about “how men think.” As my ex Mark PostMasculine pointed out in his recent interview, a lot of women’s assumptions about “what men are thinking” are simply false. And if we are going to co-create a world where men and women understand each other and live together in harmony, all of us are going to need to make a lot fewer assumptions, give a lot more benefit of the doubt, learn much more assertive and effective communication skills, and ask a lot more honest questions.
What Are the Five Principles of True Femininity and the New Feminine Mystique, Power, and Grace?
So the question remains, how to be feminine in today’s rapidly evolving world? How can we embrace feminine mystique, power, and grace without succumbing to a cramped and cookie cutter false identity of femininity that produces abysmal results? I have defined these five principles of true femininity.
How to Be Feminine Principle #1: True Femininity is Balanced Masculine Feminine
This one is going to be a shocker for people who have been trained in a world of overly macho men and overly passive women. I believe that we cannot be truly feminine unless we have a perfect balance of masculine and feminine energies. Only balanced people are healed and whole. And only healed and whole people can fully express any single attribute with mystique, power, and grace.
Let’s assume for the moment that we associate the masculine energy with giving, initiating, standing up to injustice, taking action, and generally being the active partner in the pair. Let’s assume for the moment that we associate the feminine energy with receiving, relaxing, resting, and generally being the more passive partner in the pair. I have talked about this perfect matching of energies in many of my articles including this one about making more money by pampering yourself at the spa. Well, here’s the problem. There is a very natural ebb and flow to this back and forth, just like ocean waves or a muscle activating and then releasing. And we all know what happens when muscles get out of balance, or someone tries to work hard all the time without resting.
Some would argue, that’s the point. The woman is supposed to be passive and receiving, the man is supposed to be active and giving. But don’t you see the problem with this? It’s inherently co-dependent. If I can’t stand up for myself, and must have a man do it for me, then when he is not around, guess what? I am going to feel insecure and needy. I am going to “need” him to solve the problem for me, and I am going to become very demanding on him. And that is going to destroy the relationship. (Learn more about ending co-dependency here.)
By contrast, if I develop my own masculine and feminine energies into perfect balance, then I have confidence that I can activate my own masculine energy when it is needed (for example, for standing up to someone). And when it is not needed, I can relax into my feminine energy completely. I don’t need anyone to “fix it” for me. What this means is that when I am with a man, I don’t need to make any demands on him at all. And we can simply enjoy each other. Plus, I’m likely to attract my perfect mirror, a man who is also healed and whole in this way. Sounds like a partnership made in Heaven to me :)
Which leads us to principle #2:
How to Be Feminine Principle #2: True Femininity Stands On Her Own Two Feet and Is Not Co-Dependent
A truly feminine woman whose masculine feminine energies are in perfect balance is not co-dependent. A Course in Miracles talks about this explicitly in describing the holy relationship:
“Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself. He sees no difference between these selves, for differences are only of the body. Therefore, he looks on nothing he would take. He denies not his own reality because it is the truth. Just under Heaven does he stand, but close enough not to return to earth. For this relationship has Heaven’s holiness. How far from home can a relationship so like to Heaven be?
“Think what a holy relationship can teach! Here is belief in differences undone. Here is the faith in differences shifted to sameness. Reason now can lead you and your brother to the logical conclusion of your union. It must extend, as you extended when you joined. It must reach out beyond itself, as you reached out beyond the body, to let yourselves be joined. And now the sameness that you saw extends and finally removes all sense of differences, so that the sameness that lies beneath them all becomes apparent. Here is the golden circle where you recognize the Son of God. For what is born into a holy relationship can never end.”
– A Course in Miracles
True Femininity is Balanced Masculine FeminineOnly two healed, whole, balanced people can have a truly amazing relationship. This means they must have found everything within themselves so that they have no desire or need to “take” from each other. They can simply love each other. A woman or man who is applying a strained and imbalanced version of all feminine or all masculine has not found everything within. Sooner or later, he or she will fall into co-dependent patterns. Probably sooner.
A truly powerful feminine woman stands on her own two feet and does not need a man to defend her. She has gotten in touch with her own inner bodyguard and her own inner sugar daddy lol, and can call on “him” at any time. This takes the pressure off the relationship and opens the door to true love. :)
How to Be Feminine Principle #3: True Femininity Always Listens to Her Intuition and Inner Guidance
Much has been written about feminine intuition. And it is true that intuition is associated with the right brain (feminine brain) and the left (feminine) side of the body. In keeping with what I wrote above, though, men are capable of bringing their masculine and feminine energies into balance so that they can have equal access to intuition.
My blind following of crappy dating advice for women is an example of betraying myself by not following my intuition. I can give you lots of other examples. The most heartbreaking was when I was a little girl. Our kitten followed us across the highway when we lived in the woods. And I told my father we needed to find him and bring him home safely with us. My father said “no he’s going to be fine” and rushed us home because it was getting dark. My intuition said otherwise, but I caved to my father’s “logic.” My anxiety grew the next morning when my beloved kitten did not show up for breakfast. My father and I found him. My kitten was killed that night on the highway because I did not stand up to my father. And until I created Holistic Belief Reprogramming, that single experience of self-betrayal by not listening to my intuition had nearly ruined my life. I was subconsciously destroying all of my intimate relationships because I never forgave myself for it.
Never again. Now I stand up to anyone and everyone when my intuition tells me to do so!
Recently, many people have attacked me for following my intuition with my ex. But at this point I know better than to listen to their “logic.” A truly feminine woman ALWAYS follows her intuition and her heart, no matter what ANYBODY else might think of it. (Learn how to develop your intuition here.)
This leads us to Principle #4:
How to Be Feminine Principle #4: True Femininity Stands Up To Her Man (and Everyone Else)
Many traditional teachings about “how to be feminine” tell women to be submissive, passive, co-dependent, and weak. They teach that we cannot ask directly for what we want because we must wait for a man to initiate. And we must “respect” his “authority.”
Well, look where that got me with my kitten. Now that I know better, I will never make that mistake again. Truly feminine women are not scared of their personal power. In fact, to be truly standing in our feminine mystique and grace, we MUST embrace our personal power (to learn more about embracing your personal power, CLICK HERE). If we are not fully in touch with our personal power, we will cave to other people’s opinions. We will be needy and desperate and betray ourselves.
At this point, my intuition is so powerful and accurate, I will not allow any man (or woman) to override it. That means I had to learn assertive communication skills and effective communication skills. As the tragedy with my kitten shows, intuition does not do us much good if we are not powerful communicators who can get a man to listen. So a truly feminine woman MUST learn how to be assertive and powerful in her communication, and she must stand up to her man. She must be grounded in compassion and she must speak up whenever a wrong is being committed, whether it involves her or any other living creature. If only I had those assertive communication skills and personal power as a little girl, a senseless tragedy would have been averted.
How to Be Feminine Principle #5: True Femininity Stands By Her Man (and Everyone Else)
True Femininity Is PowerfulDon’t get me wrong. Standing up for ourselves may mean that we sometimes call upon our inner bitch or our inner bodyguard, but it does not mean we are callous or mean. Quite the opposite, a woman’s feminine strength arises out of her compassion. Her personal power arises out of her deep need for justice, and kindness, and a world that is safe for living and loving. A world where people can trust each other. The paradox is that her strength creates the possibility of amazing co-creation in absolute vulnerability with her man.
So feminine women exercise their feminine power, mystique, and grace, always with an ethos of serving the highest good of everyone. The feminine woman gives her man the benefit of the doubt and never buys into the assumptions about the “way men think” and other dating advice baloney. She asks rather than assuming, and she always sees the goodness in people beyond their bad behavior. She keeps her eyes so focused on this goodness that, paradoxically, at the same time she stands up to the bad behavior, she brings out the best in her man.
A truly feminine woman stands by her man in the way that matters most: she believes in him because she sees him the same as herself.
* * * * *
I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy to live up to these Five How to Be Feminine Principles. I’ve been refining this ethos of True Femininity for years. At times, it has been very difficult, and I even almost gave up a few times. It is, however, the most rewarding journey on which I ever embarked. :)
Erika Awakening, High Priestess of Miracles at TAPsmarter
p.s. If you have not yet registered for the zero-cost teleworkshop series featuring Erika Awakening and 11 other awesome speakers, including Sonia Choquette, Judy Hall, Master Mantak Chia, Nick Williams, Diana Cooper, Art Giser, and many more, please learn more and register here.