How Abstinence Serves Me

Gamer left a comment on an earlier post. He asked “how does celibacy serve you now?”

I responded to his comment and then realized this actually deserves its own post.


How does celibacy serve me now?

It’s helping me become congruent.

The next guy I have sex with I fully expect to give me a 100% reliable lifetime commitment. I take ownership for that by saying no to sex with any man who’s not offering me that with complete conviction (and of course it needs to be mutual — we choose each other).

From ACIM: “Do you want freedom of the body or of the mind? For both you cannot have.”

I choose freedom of the mind, it is the only real freedom.

I’m not interested in “sex for fun.” Because uncommitted sex isn’t fun for me. It’s painful. I’m interested in sex as an expression of deep, permanent connection and intimacy.

Men who are not offering what I want may as well not even try with me. They won’t get anywhere. And yes the decision to be with me permanently must be made beforehand. This “let’s just see what happens” is bullshit and a recipe for chaos and pain. It is an expression of incongruence and uncertainty, and it always leads to pain.

I look at how men live their lives. If a man is living his life incongruently, and for example, has left a trail of pain behind him, I am not attracted to him. He has a lot of work to do on himself before he will have the capacity to be a good partner. I used to be attracted to men like that because they mirrored me, but now the attraction to pain is gone.

When I am fully congruent, the man who comes to my doorstep will be congruent also. Our love for each other will be so certain that there will be no doubt.

I am waiting for that certainty, because in certainty there is no pain. Certainty is achieved through congruence. Congruence is achieved by erasing every doubt about oneself. When it is fully achieved, there is no pain and only joy.

That is how abstinence serves me.

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About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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  1. "Brother, there is no death. And this you learn when you but wish to show your brother that you had no hurt of him. He thinks your blood is on his hands, and so he stands condemned. But it is given you to show him, by your healing, that his guilt is but the fabric of a senseless dream." – ACIM

    "Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead because you made

  2. Life is uncertain, death is certain.

  3. Anonymous,

    I appreciate your concern for my well being, but I don't enjoy being preached at. Your comment feels quite condescending to me, and like a lot of projection. It sounds like you may be preaching at yourself, in a form of language that I call "the poison of positive thinking." (i.e., where we think we "should" be detached but we're really not —

  4. if you keep tapping those pts, you will be guiltless, attachmentless, and judgement free ;) lol!

    hey every relationship serves a divine purpose even though you seemed to be bitching about your fling with entropy. so what both of you got off! what's the big deal? you both enjoyed it right… lighten up kiddo! one reason you feel pain is the thought of him sticking his thingy in

  5. Anonymous 12:40 pm,

    From my perspective, saying something like "attachment free" is taking the easy way out.

    There is a reason why many spiritual traditions frown on casual sex. To many of us, it feels empty and disconnected.

    It's easy to say "well, just don't expect anything, then you won't be disappointed," but then my response

  6. Erika,

    you wouldnt have pain if you had no attachments to sex. you had certain expectations associated with sex and when expectations were not met, you felt pain. ask yourself if you are directly from source, is there such a thing as pain? is source judgement-free, guiltless, attachment free, and completely unconditional? you decide for yourself.

    even tapping those

  7. Marquis and Anonymous 2:39 pm,

    Do you see how you are projecting here rather than taking responsibility for your own stuff.

    With Marquis' comment, it sounds like feelings of "not good enough" when a woman says no to sex, rather than being curious about what is alive in her that would motivate her decision — and asking rather than assuming.


  8. sex is just the thing going back and forth between your legs… lol!
    for a spiritual chic that reads acim, you sure seemed to have a lots of attachments to sex. i thought acim says there really isnt meaning in anything including sex. are you practicing what you are preaching? think you are making way too much of it? just go and enjoy the thingy between your legs once in awhile…. who

  9. so….after all this learning and observation of the PUA society….and you're exactly back at the mindset of scarcity that most women dangle in front of men like a carrot.

  10. "SMoKeLioN,

    Because it's obvious. Look, when the mind becomes clear, as mine is, I can often predict the exact words that are going to come out of someone else's mouth. My thoughts are simultaneous to theirs. It's OBVIOUS that our minds are joined. Only the ego refuses to see this."

    Saying that its the case bc its obvious is ridiculous. Such is not an

  11. Deirdre,

    I only have a moment right now because I'm off to Burning Man but thank you SO MUCH for commenting. I hope you will return and continue to share your much-needed perspective around here. I have many thoughts to share about what you wrote when I return….


    Because it's obvious. Look, when the mind becomes clear, as mine is, I can

  12. Hi Erika,

    I'm intensely interested in your decision with regards to this article. I have recently come to a very similar decision for myself. I was a little surprised at some of the comments, but then I realized they are the same kinds of things I hear when I discuss this with my friends. I wish there was more support for women who choose to stop having sex until they make a

  13. "His mind and my mind are One."

    How can you prove this?

  14. good luck getting 100% commitment from the pua gurus. why dont u try eharmony… u might better luck there!

  15. This is kind of unrelated, but reading a bunch of posts on here, I'm wondering, for Erika and those that favor polyamory, how is it not the most threatening thing in the world? How do you see the person you care about indulging in sexual activity with another person without you, personally, feeling threatened and jealous and diminished? I just feel really confused and have the hardest time

  16. His mind and my mind are One.

    "You who hold your brother's hand also hold mine, for when you joined each other, you were not alone. … You will not separate. For I stand with you and walk with you in your advance to truth. And where we go, we carry God with us."

    When two minds are joined as one for the salvation of the world, they don't change their

  17. SMoKeLioN says:

    "Once that level of congruence is achieved, he could only change his mind if I changed mine. "

    Then by that token, wouldnt it be the case that you wouldn't be able to change your mind unless he did?

    Its a catch 22. And saying that you'd both change your minds on things simultaneously at a certain point in time… that seems unrealisted.

  18. hey Juan Force,

    Thanks for your response. To me, it's not about right and wrong. It's about what feels good and what doesn't, and honest communication.

    Re your questions, I'm waiting for a permanent relationship.

  19. Juan Force says:

    You're 120% right. Thank you for pointing out my wrongs.

    Peace and love,

    Juan Force

  20. Juan,

    I feel extremely annoyed when people use threats "You're losing a potential customer here" to attempt to get their way (answering of questions). My willingness to answer personal questions has nothing to do with my coaching, and you have crossed a boundary with me here.

    I would feel much more open to answering your questions if you said something along

  21. Juan Force says:

    Any thought to my previous questions? You're losing a potential customer here.

  22. SMoKeLioN,

    Once that level of congruence is achieved, he could only change his mind if I changed mine.

    Minds are joined. Only ego distortions prevent us from seeing this at all times. This is why the more clearing out we do of the debris the more psychic we become.

    " T-22.VI.14. This is the function of your holy relationship. 2 For what one thinks, the

  23. SMoKeLioN says:

    "The next guy I have sex with I fully expect to give me a 100% reliable lifetime commitment. I take ownership for that by saying no to sex with any man who's not offering me that with complete conviction (and of course it needs to be mutual — we choose each other)."

    This sounds all fine and good. What happens when he honestly agrees and puts all that forward, and then

  24. Anonymous 4:53 pm,

    Certainty does not come from the outside.

    It comes from the inside.

  25. Anonymous says:

    What is you felt that way about someone and then the sex turned out to be horrible? Would you still have a life long commitment?

  26. Juan Force says:

    This is very interesting. I have a few questions:

    1.) So you're saving yourself for marriage?

    2.) Would you be open to a committed relationship that includes sex for pleasure, but doesn't have the pre-determined "permanent" aspect?

    In my opinion, you really do have to "see what happens" if you plan to grow together and find out if

  27. I'm not sad for Erika… she is a self assured woman and I admire her steadfastness in finding the right man that suits her.

  28. Again, I appreciate the concern for my well-being but I hear a lot of assumptions in your statement. I would feel more seen if you ask me questions rather than interpret.

  29. I'm sad you have yet to meet a man strong enough to overcome the fear you've acquired for men in general.

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