Today’s just going to be a radically honest share because I’m still working through this one …
I’m working through an inner conflict about enrollment. It was reflected in a call this morning where I was being coached (yes I still pay for coaches and healers, and I don’t think I would want to learn from anyone who doesn’t do the same). This coach says I should not talk about my values because it pushes others away.
On the one hand, I can see her point in the short term. In fact, just today, I removed someone from my Facebook because he was taking my expression of my values as a personal affront and it was draining to talk to him. And I can look back at other examples in my life where talking about values led another person or me to disconnect.
On the other hand … in the long term, if we don’t all get our values aligned, we are going to keep living in the world we’ve been living in … a world of compromise, sacrifice, aging, disease, and death. Not my cup of tea.
I have seen many times that I can in fact enroll people in my value system and it does in fact make their lives about 100 times better. This is usually when they invest money with me as a coaching client or customer and also under the right circumstances in other situations. I would like to get better at helping people see that I really am teaching a holistic value system that actually works … and yet the ego is absolutely threatened by what I teach.
In many ways, it would be easier to be a teacher of “spiritual bullhonkey.” That’s where you just say “feel good” stuff all the time, and nobody actually has to look at their dark side. Unfortunately, that kind of teaching while it is wildly popular and definitely can get you a best-selling book and celebrity status – ain’t going to save the planet. It’s not. It’s all on the surface and it does not face what needs to be faced.
I have also seen many a situation lead to disconnection or just lukewarm “getting by” later down the road when values were not established and agreed upon up front.
I’m not willing to live in a world of “nice polite dead people” who never talk about any of the real issues in the world for fear of offending someone. From my experience, most people are walking around so unconscious they have never really thought about their values. Nor have they sat down and thought through what the rest of the planet would look like if their values were applied to every living creature, including animals and plants. And unfortunately, that is why the planet is in the disastrous state that it’s currently in.
So I am sitting with this question right now. How to express values and get people enrolled in a system that works without the ego flipping out and disconnecting …
That’s the question.
Love,
Erika Awakening, High Priestess of Miracles at TAPsmarter
A long, long time in a continent far away… I went to Costa Rica with my fiance… and a friend was with us. We were sitting on a tour bus and we kissed. She proceeded to lecture us, how there was a gay couple on the bus(Perfect Strangers)… and they might not be allowed to show public affection(local customs)… so she thought it was inappropriate and disrespectful to them for us to kiss. I’m positive that this was her issue and not theirs (she is very respectful of everyone).
My point is I agree with Erika, wholeheartedly, about losing yourself out of fear of offending others. “Be who you are, Say what you feel…” When you try to please everybody, you often wind up pleasing nobody.
On enrollment(the topic at hand), sometimes you don’t want to say something stupid and lose a sale… or waste your time focusing on the wrong topic… or being in a state of defensiveness, because you are being attacked. Conflict is not inherently attractive. There are ways to end arguments and/or avoid them… like a qualifier(Disclaimer)… changing the subject… kicking the can down the road(let’s finish this discussion later)… Privatizing(we can discuss offline). Use of Nicer, more diplomatic words. There are strategies for both Conflict Avoidance and Conflict Resolution to resolve most situations peacefully.
That being said… different people have different boundaries… and sometimes you have a bad match (personality conflict, etc…). Sometimes: “… those that mind don’t matter, those that matter don’t mind.” I like to try to surround myself with the right people, who allow me the freedom to be myself. That’s my 2 cents.
Hi Rich,
Thanks for commenting. Yea, my issue with what I will call “diplomacy” is that it doesn’t really resolve anything. It avoids it. Not sure if you’ve seen my views on avoidance here: https://erikaawakening.com/twelve-reasons
So we all walk around having no consensus on our values, and often not even any real discussion. Yet that’s the only place there can be a stable foundation for a peaceful society, IMO.
Maybe we succeed in avoiding the issue today … but then all the anger and resentment and conflict just goes underground where it feeds the Shadow Self … and one day BAM you have a teenager go into a school and kill a bunch of kids. And really he’s just expressing all the conflicts that we are all refusing to face.
I feel like I’m standing alone on this issue, that I’m not being heard or understood in the world. That this is the key to resolving the world’s problems, and I don’t know how to be heard. And it sometimes feels quite lonely and overwhelming.
Thanks for being here :)
Love,
Erika
Hi Erika,
I agree with you. I feel that Conflict Resolution is way cooler than Conflict Avoidance. As you so elegantly explained with the teenager scenario… If you bottle up your feelings they can consume you.
A little bit of conflict can sometimes be a good thing and lead to positive changes. On Diplomacy, I mean there are ways to confront issues without being overly confrontrational.
Examples of conflict resolution:
1. Him: You’re a jerk. Her: No you’re a bigger jerk. (and the problem never gets solved, and might get brought up in the next argument, due to resentment).
2. Him: You Jerk. Her: Please Stop. I feel you are being disrespectful. Or You are hurting my feelings.
No yelling. No violence. You can take a time out, detach a little bit and resolve a big issue peacefully (which in hindsight is probably a little issue).
****
I went off on a little tangent here, because I feel conflict resolution skills is an important value to me. You’re not alone on this issue.
I really apreciate the feedback. You are fun to talk to.
Warmest Regards,
Rich