This is something I’ve been observing for quite a while now. One of the RSD instructors says “she feels what you feel.” My recent All Too Human gives me the opportunity to elaborate more about this very important topic.
My Experience at the IIT in Non-Violent Communication
I became very consciously aware of this phenomenon at a ten-day Intensive International Training in Non-Violent Communication held in Albuquerque, New Mexico in December 2007. (You can learn more about IITs by clicking here.) The IIT was an absolutely amazing experience all around. We trained with Marshall Rosenberg and his healer-wife Valentina Rosenberg, as well as a bunch of other incredible NVC teachers.
Each evening the group would gather to reconnect and talk about what happened that day. I’ll never forget a particular woman standing up and talking about her experience in one of the empathy/healing sessions. Apparently she forgot to turn off her cell phone. It started ringing while a man in the group was doing an intense group empathy/healing session focused on some very painful experiences from his past. The woman was absolutely distraught that she could possibly have forgotten to turn off her cell phone (i.e., she felt guilty). As she told of this experience, I was thinking to myself, well, why are you beating yourself up about that? Who cares — so your cell phone went off, no big deal, I’m sure he didn’t care.
Well, much to my shock, the man from that same session took the microphone next. And he relayed that in fact he had been *extremely* angry when her cell phone went off. The two of them ended up spending a bunch of time together after that decompressing from what was a really emotional experience for both of them.
This was the first time I really became fully aware of how reciprocal feelings are, but then I started noticing it in lots of situations. If one person felt guilty, the other person would feel angry or would experience pain, or would have other negative feelings. The feelings were reciprocal.
Guilt and Fear
For many years, I had already believed that guilt was a useless emotion. But now I realized guilt was more than useless — it was destructive.
Fear is similar. Fear will actually move the Universe around on you, keeping people apart. Marshall Rosenberg often says that unacknowledged fear will be perceived by the other person as hostility. What I’ve noticed is that when I’m really scared (like I was of sex), bizarre things will happen to keep me separate from the person toward whom the fear is directed.
It’s very important not to take this personally. Aspiring pickup artists, for example, are often so scared that women literally run from them. If the aspiring PUAs don’t understand what is going on, they may judge themselves, which only further deepens the downward spiral. They think they aren’t good-looking or charming enough, perhaps, or whatever other interpretation they put on it. That’s not true at all. Their fear is a vibe that is literally pushing other people away. Fortunately there are many ways of reducing fear. When fear is eliminated, attraction happens naturally.
How This Relates to the Ego Ambush the Other Night
This is actually how I caught myself in the middle of the emotional reaction that I was having the other night. I wish I had caught myself sooner, but we all do the best we can. When I’d gone on dates with this guy, he had told me some stories about his encounters with women, so I already knew he had a pattern of him feeling guilt and women feeling anger. When I suddenly realized that I was just playing right into that script, the emotional reaction I was having vanished. And I started laughing. I saw that it was just a “story” and not true.
That this guy and I met each other was not an accident. As soon as we made eye contact, we both “recognized” each other and knew we would be getting together. Immediately.
There are no accidents in salvation. Those who are to meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship. They are ready for each other. – ACIM
Remember that no one is where he is by accident, and chance plays no part in God’s plan. – ACIM
People are brought together because they have mirror-image “wounds” that need to be healed. The most amazing part is that one person can heal both. So if I become present with my anger and work on healing the unforgiving beliefs that triggered that reaction in this situation, I’m not only healing myself, I’m healing him too. And I’m also healing countless other people all over the world. So that’s what I’ve been focusing on the past few days.
And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who cross your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed. – ACIM
The good news is that good feelings are also reciprocal. So the more we heal ourselves, the better we feel. And then our good-feeling vibe is transmitted to everyone around us. We start noticing that people are actually magnetized to us because they feel good being near us. There’s no better feeling, IMO, than that.
p.s. A little comic relief here. I find it endlessly amusing that I now receive regular updates on Facebook advising me about how to “game porn stars.” I’m sure these new skills will come in handy soon ;-)
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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