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The Emotional Process of Physical Escalation, From A Girl’s Perspective

For purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that the guy has already created Attraction.

Here are a few things I’ve said elsewhere but not yet on the blog:

* Last Minute Resistance (or LMR, as it is known in the community) is always a question, and the question being asked depends on the girl, where she is in her life, and what she wants. What I want are rock solid win/win emotional connections (not necessarily monogamy though). Some girls are looking for validation or a high enough level of attraction to rationalize a night of fun or any other number of things. For the girls reading this blog, I’d love to hear what it is you are looking for when you decide whether to have sex with a man …

[A little aside here: I probably can’t get fully into this issue in this article, but the escalation model works a little differently depending on whether the girl is internally or externally validated. Much of what is taught in pickup will ONLY work on an externally validated girl. Most of the perspective in this article assumes an internally-validated, centered girl who feels good about herself and is looking for a man who is going to enhance that.]

* What most women want is a combination of excitement (Attraction) and emotional safety (Comfort). A lot of guys are really good at creating one or the other. The trick is creating (and sustaining) both at the same time.

* The Condensation of Time into the Moment of Escalation: When a guy starts to escalate, assuming Attraction is already there, the questions that are front and center for me are: How strong is my emotional connection to this guy? How is he going to treat me AFTER sex, after the endorphins have worn off? That’s why I call it the “condensation of time” because past, present, and future become condensed into present-moment intuition and gut feeling based on every little nuance of my interaction with the guy.

[A little aside: This is why I would almost always disqualify a guy who is already in a committed partnership, unless his emotional capacity is really phenomenal. How likely is it that he’s going to be there for me emotionally AFTER sex?]

* Time is on My Side. As far as I’m concerned, I have nothing to lose by waiting to have sex. If a guy doesn’t stick around after I say “no” to sex, then he wasn’t someone who fits into what I’m looking for in a man.

[A little aside: I find it hilarious that after word got out — and apparently it got out fast — that I might have broken celibacy, I started hearing from guys who hadn’t bothered to make the effort before. Is that going to work? Ummm… no. I appreciate men being up front about their sexual interest. But if a guy can’t be bothered to invest in me as a person aside from sex, be chivalrous and a good friend, read my blog occasionally (which essentially gives step-by-step instructions on how to seduce me for the few who actually listen), and in general make at least a somewhat believable showing that he’s after something more than sex, then quite frankly I can’t be bothered to have sex with him. What I am looking for in my life are rock solid emotional connections that are steady and that feel good before, during, and AFTER sex.]

Some of the factors that lead me to consider becoming intimate with a man:

* He clearly has the capacity for enduring relationships with women.
* He does NOT already have a committed partner.
* His interest in me does not wax and wane based on his evaluation of the likelihood that we’re going to have sex.
* He has the capacity for lots of empathy and gives it freely.
* He reads and interacts with my blog or facebook or whatever (seriously … I read the blogs and articles of guys I’m interested in … for me this is a basic part of getting to know someone at a deeper level).
* He has a win/win mindset.
* He has moved beyond judgment and criticism.
* He is honest and authentic.
* He has a sense of humor.
* He is committed to practicing Presence.

[Another aside: A lot of what is taught in pickup is designed to distract a woman from the above considerations. I have a long track record of being able to resist that sort of short-term distraction, even with some of the best players in the world. Sure, I sometimes feel the attraction spikes that such tactics are designed to create, but the deeper awareness part of me always keeps the above considerations central in my intuitive decision-making process. In other words, I’m not going to be bluffed out of the non-negotiables.]

And after intimacy, the main thing I look for is:

* He treats me just as well AFTER intimacy as he did before. This is also non-negotiable.

You can’t fake this stuff. Intuition can feel it from miles away. As Tyler Durden says, the Self is always shining through.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Infinity says:

    This is so interesting. You bring up concepts of pick up, being a gentleman and being effective, a combination that is hard to put together consistently well.

    The concept of win/win is something that I personally love! It needs to be a compelling experience for both parties.

    What it comes down to is your ability to begin and manage a relationship that you want to pursue. If you really feel like the interaction is worth it, then you will treat it as well as you can.

    Neglect is NOT an option. And when it comes down to it, you’d want to be treated the same way.

    It really doesn’t take much thinking. Just enjoy the experience and live it up! Things naturally fall in place anyway. But on the flipside, don’t wait for things to happen. Make them happen.

    Erika has some very good points here so please take serious note. They could be the difference in your elevated success with women.

  2. Erika says:

    I’m loving the comments, guys. Kisses to all of you :-)

    @ Halffull, yes, as you know I am a fan of your “raising her value” approach. I view all interactions as “holy encounters” that help both people.

    @ David, thanks for articulating it so beautifully. The magic happens when an internally validated woman comes together with an internally validated man. I hope you will comment more often. :-)

    @ Entropy, well, you know I love you honey.

    @ John, you always keep me on my toes.

    and @ Justin, welcome to the blog, I look forward to your continued input here. As for your question, I personally find in person interactions to be much more fun because of the spontaneity. That said, online dating can be a good place for people to practice flirting. I have more to say about online dating but will save it for another time.

  3. Justin says:

    Hey,

    Just wanted to say I love the blog – you have a lot of really good insights. Also, you put me onto A Course in Miracles, which sounds intriguing.

    Let me ask you, what is your opinion of those who “meet” women through online dating sites? I think the two activities might be similar in principle but are actually quite different. There is a lot of talk that it not unnecessary, but I do see some benefits in the activity, but not to the point where it replaces going out.

    Anyways, great blog. I have added Awakening the Dream to my Google Reader and anxiously await the updates.

    Justin

  4. John~ says:

    We come to this naked.
    We learn scaffolding to build a new us.
    Our new us grows, we rip down scaffolding.
    We’re naked again before you know it.
    Only this time, it doesn’t matter.

    Try that.

  5. Entropy4 says:

    Some very practical advice in here but from a completely different perspective. I like how you describe a lot of stock PUA techniques as “distractions” from a girl’s point of view. Very cool.

  6. David Shade says:

    Erika,
    I am happy to see you championing the path to attracting internally validated women. I continually tell men to seek internally validated women. Such women are the only ones who are going to make for a successful long term relationship, and it is going to be far more rewarding. Of course, it requires a man who is himself internally validated.

    David Shade

  7. Halffull says:

    One final point… it is possible to move a girl from externally validated to internally validated, at least while she’s around you.(over time, as you develop a relationship, this should spill over into the rest of her life.)

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