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Tantric Dating: The Art of Building Passion and Intimacy by Taking Sex Slow

Tantric Dating: The Myth of Fast Sex Revisited

“Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved.”

- Peter Ustinov

I am sitting here at my kitchen dining table as I write these words. My new friend is serenading me, singing with his guitar, rehearsing for a performance he has tomorrow by Lake Tahoe. He played for us all day yesterday, and I asked him to play again today. The soulful music is helping me tap in to my desire to write again after a long hiatus.

From across the room, I am inhaling his musky scent, mixed with leather from the couches and earthy rain outside and the hot fire burning in the wood stove. Last night, we soaked in the hot tub endlessly again, talking talking talking. Then we stood in the rain shower, one spigot hot and one cold as has become our ritual, talking talking talking, as the delightful contrast of hot and cold water pours down our faces and bodies. Our conversations light me up inside, because unlike so many people on this planet, he is alive.

Like me, he walked away from the trappings of “success” – prestige, extreme athleticism, the relationship house and business – and reduced his life to absolute simplicity and essence. That’s why it’s so easy to connect. We are both stripped down, naked to our values. There’s not a lot of bullshit in the way. ;)

Our second chakras connected last night. It happened suddenly, when I turned my hips toward his pelvis while we were cuddling. “Wow,” I said, “do you feel that?” He did. Like star bursting from the second chakra on up to the heart in kundalini fire. It felt so intense, it took my breath away. There was no penetration. I can still feel the glow of our connection.

He’s definitely the kind of man with whom I have an intense soul connection. My soul partners are always musicians, athletes, storytellers, with high need for freedom, and their right brain fully engaged. They often live on the fringe of society, like me. They are tuned into the intuitive flow of the Universe, which creates the delightful river of conversation, the outpouring of music, the touch on the skin that brings my whole body and soul alive.

This is how I want to live, where life becomes music whether a guitar is serenading me or not. The conversation is music, the touch is music, the flow of coming closer and moving farther apart, and inviting each other deeper … is all music … and the sex, when it comes will be … well, you get the idea … ;)

(He just looked up from his guitar and asked “is the music helping your writing?” I laughed, because he has no idea what I’m writing. “Yes, it’s helping.” What do you all think, is it helping?)

I’ve had amazing sex in my lifetime. There’s nothing mechanical about it. It doesn’t require a lot of role-playing or pretense … it’s definitely not strained imitation of porn flicks … The more stripped down we both are, emotionally and spiritually naked, the better it is. Amazing sex is always like being carried away in powerful music, losing oneself in the flow of Love and Life. I really don’t see a reason to settle for anything less. That’s why I haven’t had sex, again, for two and a half years.

It would have been easy to rush into sex. The second time we soaked in the hot tub, in the bright sunshine under the towering firs and Jeffrey pines that surround my home, and he touched me for real for the first time … it was pure electricity, and it was mutual. Over the next 24 hours, I felt everything in me opening and coming alive. (Want a glimpse of this aliveness? check out the Facebook video from the next day here, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.)

It would have been easy to let one thing lead to another … and rush in, without taking the time to get to know each other on a deeper level.

It would have been easy to be carried away with passion, and forgetting about having all those oh-so-important conversations about what kind of relationship we might enjoy, monogamy and polyamory, about keeping the house clean, about money … It would have been easy to rush in without first having some tough situations arise to see how we navigate conflict or anger together … without talking about mistakes we have made in relationships in the past, and how we intend to avoid repeating those mistakes.

It would have been easy to have sex quickly, and it would have been a mistake.

A year or so ago, I made the decision that I would not be rushed into sex, no matter how strong a connection with a man. I feel relieved about how strong I’ve been the past couple of years, as I consistently turned down the sexual opportunities that arose. I said no because it did not feel good. I could see clearly having sex in those situations would leave me in pain and anger. I never want to do that again.

So the connection is building slowly. No more being swept off my feet. Tonight we are going to yin yoga for more flow and presence. Then perhaps we’ll repeat our ritual of making creative moonshine cocktails, soaking endlessly in the hot tub under the stars, and allowing the waterfall of the rain shower to pour over us … Perhaps we will lie naked together on the bed again, breathing deeply and allowing the sexual tension to build and build and build … without acting on it …

And I’m so, so happy we are doing it this way. How could anyone argue that rushing into sex is better than this slow building of connection, intimacy, and sexual tension?

For years, I taught men in the seduction community about authentic connection with
women. In that community, I was a lone wolf voice in favor of not rushing into sex. I myself have practiced celibacy for extended periods of time, as long as nearly five years.

When I wrote about slowing things down, I felt puzzled to be on the receiving end of so much hostility, criticism, and resistance.

Why are we so scared to slow down this process? Do we really think a relationship that is meant to be will fizzle out while building connection, intimacy, and sexual tension?

Just what is it that people are so scared of, they rush into sex … often drunk … before ever talking about anything real? Isn’t talking the real foundation of all of it?

For me, great conversation is so exhilarating that it’s right on a par with amazing music, with amazing sex, with transcendent enjoyment of every kind … Why are we not all starting there? I call it Tantric Dating. It’s time to slow the f*ck down and build it …

What do you think?

Love,

erika awakening

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Mark Bennett says:

    It could be the same reason for kissing, equilalize mouth
    bacteria – but for aura / em fields.

    microbiomejournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/2049-2618-2-41

    time.com/3587838/bacteria-spread-kissing/

    I’ve discovered my white coat hypertension is a reaction to _people_ – some no reaction at all. Like another form of muscle testing as if my body know who is a threat.

    M

  2. vesc says:

    I would call that Natural Romance.

    (Dating still produces not so wholesome images in my mind of two Dates, the fruit, doing stuff to each other ;-) )

    Yes, coming back to the slower pace at which Nature moves always feels right. It’s strange how long it takes for us to realign ourselves to a more natural rhythm.

    These periods of “celibacy” are very necessary. Often because the body/mind/soul/spirit needs to cleanse itself. Often that is a purging of the frantic romancing. Especially in a woman’s body which is simply not designed for anything frantic.

    I heard it recently, from one of those deeper, maybe even original, sources of Tantra, a tradition not available in the west. That a Woman’s Soul needs the warmth from a Man’s Soul. That there are draughts in a Woman’s Subtle Body which are meant to be closed by a Man’s Embrace, and sometimes just by a Man’s Presence.

    I heard that and it clicked. And it clicks with everybody I have mentioned it to since. It clicks because it rings true on a deep level within.

    So, yeah, a Woman’s Soul must be warmed up by a Man’s Soul if they are to connect and co-create/co-evolve. From this perspective it is easy to see and accept how a relationship can only evolve and enrich itself and grow and grow over time.

    It is obvious that a big deal is made out of slowing down in the article above. Which is fine … yet, no need to create any hard and fast rules. But in general women prefer that slower pace. And most men never experience the deeper, wider and wilder turn on a woman enters when a man seduces her with his presence rather his lust.

    Reminds me how when I occasionally give trainings to men about how to relate to and touch women, my most repeated phrase is “Slow down …. No, slooow down …. Did I mention to slow down ?! “.

    And ties perfectly with one of my most favourite Tantric Sutras, “Anything slowed down becomes sacred.”

    So Sacred Romancing seems just as appropriate. And even more Tantric … As Tantra is really just a method to get us beyond, just a bridge to helps us cross over. Yeah, it has that huge interest in the west these days, but it really is time to deconstruct the misconceptions and just get real. And there is no need to be slow about getting real … ;-)

    So, is it possible to slow down without indulging too much in Tantra-tinted fantasies ? – that is the question.

    There is an aliveness that comes with slowing down that is like nothing else. It just happens that last Monday I decided to do a really slow session in a martial arts class I lead. It was a bit of an experiment. My concern was they may get bored. But I really wanted to try it with a group. (Maybe that slowing down is in the air lately).

    It ended up being one of the most amazing classes I have ever given. They huffed and they puffed but eventually they got it. And the moment the deeper tensions begin to release and especially when a related emotion is softened and melted away and let go, and when the new freedom and spaciousness appears, the feeling is undescribable. I kept thinking that it is better than sex … though the situation was not appropriate to be voicing that.

    I am thinking lately that Slowing Down is the Royal Road to Self-Knowing. And, of course, there is nothing original about that one but it is a kind of an important insight for myself personally. Especially as men want that Self-Knowing at any cost, while for women Loving will always be the higher priority.

    Anyway, hopefully some of this thinking aloud is helpful.

  3. Patrick "Rad" Dague says:

    Powerful post. And a really interesting bio. So… if I may ask, are you “awakening” or actually and honestly awake, Erika? (There is of course no wrong answer – LOL!)
    Rad

  4. Sal Gasol says:

    Long time reader, first time commenter. As a guy, I couldn’t have possibly told you to hold out for 2 1/2 years. What I can tell you is that you two seem to have a connection on an emotional and metaphysical level. Electric shock with your genitals is a really good sign to me especially when it happened on your and his terms without judgement in an environment where only the two of you were the ultimate judges.

    My response which is going to sound typical to you is: make love first slowly as you both have been anticipating this for a while (at least as far as I can tell) and then do it again twice on Sunday. The only problem with this is afterwards. If there is emotional hangover/bangover or if that feeling wears off yet again, there might be a void from that time in between the sheets (or the floor/fireplace/air mattress/office den/coffee table/whirlpool) and that point in time where you both try and figure out where the relationship stands. I know you don’t have most of those typical hangups because of your EFT program which is a huge turn-on (and the reason you got so many guys in lust AND love with you even though I’m probably overstepping my boundaries by writing so).

    With whatever little experience I have I don’t know if any amount of EFT tapping or mental conditioning can prepare you for that. This last sentence might be exposing my own naivéte. Hope this helps to the slightest degree…
    Love you. Love your stuff.

  5. Myron says:

    Very good post, Erika. I am constantly amazed at how practitioners of various spiritual traditions consistently display a complete lack of understanding of the symbolisms found in those traditions, and the very important lessons to be learned from those symbols regarding our relationships with God, the universe and each other. I speak from the Judeo-Christian perspective because it is what I study most and understand best, but I often find because of blindness in that perspective I must go to other traditions to learn some of their interpretations because Christians and Jews simply ignore many of their symbols or claim they are of Pagan origin and to be avoided at all costs. Thus many of the lessons in the Bible are lost on them and upon questioning they deny that stuff is even there.

    One thing that I have found to be unique to Hebrew scriptures but ignored almost completely by both Christians and Jews is the very nature of people. Christianity and all the Pagan religions I have studied see no difference between between the soul and spirit. In the ancient Hebrew teachings we are made up of three parts, and unless all three are functioning together we are not really alive. These three are body, soul and spirit — soul and spirit are separate entities each with its own separate consciousness. This concept is found in both the Old Testament and the New Testament, but is completely absent in modern Christianity and from most, if not all modern Jewish teaching, both having replaced this with the Babylonian, Persian and Greek views, all of which seem to believe soul and spirit are exactly the same thing.

    By this old Hebrew teaching the soul is our feminine nature and the spirit is our masculine nature. The marriage and sexuality is a very common theme in these writings, applying no only to our relationship to God, but also to the relationship between the soul and spirit housed within the house of our body. In the New Testament the soul is also referred to the old man of the flesh, or the old man of sin, and the spirit is referred to as the new man of the spirit, so there is a certain lack of consistency between the various sets of symbols, indicating that none of them alone is adequate to properly illustrate the spiritual concepts. Also we find at times that the physical body, otherwise called the flesh, seems to be referred to as a third consciousness in this relationship and having its own agenda.

    What you have found and described here is the ideal with the “soul” and “spirit” communicating to bring about complete, and proper intimacy that we are to share with each other, and/or with God, in a proper relationship which keeps the flesh in submission to the proper order vs. the demands of the flesh for its own satisfaction with little or no regard for the proper order or true intimacy with the soul, spirit, God or our physical parnter(s).

    True intimacy takes time, and there are various levels illustrated in the symbols, most of which will never all allow the physical intimacy if they are to be done properly (parents/children, brother/sister, extended family), and all of them to be experienced by us in some form before we are ready for the total intimacy of the husband and wife which is the only relationship in which the physical intimacy plays a proper role according to the symbols, so we should never be in a rush to go to the physical intimacy, but it sure feels good, and in our society to day we would rather have the instant gratification available by ignoring true intimacy and go straight to a form of intimacy that is only fulfilling to the flesh and ignores the needs of both the soul and the spirit. We really are that shallow all too often.

  6. Salman says:

    First of all, I’m flattered the famous Erika Awakening is actually asking my advice. As a guy, I couldn’t have possibly told you to hold out for 2 1/2 years. What I can tell you is that you two seem to have a connection on an emotional and metaphysical level. Electric shock with your genitals touching is a really good sign to me especially when it happened on your and his terms without judgement in an environment where only the two of you were the ultimate judges.

    My response which is going to sound typical to you is: make love first slowly as you both have been anticipating this for a while (at least as far as I can tell) and then do it again twice on Sunday. The only problem with this is afterwards. If there is emotional let-down or if that feeling wears off yet again and there’s a void from that time in between the sheets (or the floor/fireplace/air mattress/office den/coffee table/whirlpool) and that point in time where you both try and figure out where the relationship stands. I know you don’t have those typical hangups because of your EFT tapping which is a huge turn-on (and the reason you got so many guys in lust AND love with you even though I’m probably overstepping my boundaries by writing so).

    With whatever little experience I have I don’t know if any amount of EFT tapping or mental conditioning can prepare you for that. This last sentence might be exposing my own naivéte with this e-mail advice I’m sending. Hope this helps to the slightest degree…

  7. Hans says:

    Tantric Dating. Interesting concept.

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