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Sexual Framing and Calibration: please no, this is not the way

My girlfriend, Player Girl, and I were approached last night by a guy who attempted to do “sexual framing,” but who ended up doing something more along the lines of what Cameron Teone is always on his soapbox about: scary community guy. More on that in a bit …

All right, before we get started today, a few anecdotes ranging from the sweet to the humorous to the ridiculous.

A big kiss to GoneSavage. Last night, I had a bad dream and woke up feeling unsettled. I texted him at 3 am or so, and lo and behold, he was still awake writing. He called me immediately, and we had a nice little chat. He didn’t seem to mind that I was only semi-conscious. He has a very sexy voice and phone presence. I felt so much better. It reminds me how being there for each other in the smallest little ways can mean so much.

I have talked about Player Girl before. She is a consummate female player and commitment-phobe (and a really beautiful, petite, vibrant girl) who is constantly juggling a large number of suitors, all of whom think that she is The One. She has been dating a guy we’ll call “the Doc.” Naturally, he thinks she is The One.

Earlier in the week, she told me how wonderful Doc is, and asked me why is it she never likes the “good guys.” You know, the kind of guy who sends flowers when she’s having a bad day. After hearing the whole story, I said, “hmmm, he needs to break up with you.”

Well, thank goodness the Doc actually has some common sense. I never conveyed my advice to him, but he followed it anyway and broke up with her over lunch on Thursday. This was the best move he could possibly make. Why? Because Player Girl has dated “good guys” before and has discarded them left and right without a second thought, but I can tell she actually has some feelings for this guy. Yet, as long as he was there at her beck and call, she couldn’t really appreciate him. She was feeling guilty that she was not reciprocating the feelings at the same level. Now … she’ll have a chance to miss him. It wouldn’t surprise me if she ends up wanting him back. You heard it here first.

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Ok, now a short post on Sexual Framing, Calibration, and What Not to Do.

Cameron talks a lot in his articles about guys who find the seduction community and then lose the forest for the trees. They get so obsessed with some concept, like negging or DHVs or sexual framing, that they forget that everything needs to happen in a congruent and relatively normal social context.

Last night was a perfect example of this. Player Girl and I were out at Americano, minding our own business, deeply engrossed in our own conversation about her dating life, when she left for the bathroom, and a guy approached me.

It started off just fine. He approached me with more confidence than the average guy and made some direct compliment that I can’t remember. But it came off fine. I told him that I liked his directness.

For the first five minutes, I thought, hmmm, this guy could actually have something going on.

Then Player Girl came back to our table, and the guy’s friend (who by sheer coincidence sat on an airplane next to me five months ago and remembered me) came over as well.

All of a sudden, things took a sharp turn downhill. The first guy says, out of nowhere,

“I like to lick ass.”

Yikes. I felt the dip in energy immediately in my body, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the venue. We all tried to laugh it off, but the guy was on a mission.

He proceeded to tell us, repeatedly, how much he likes to lick ass. In case we didn’t get it the first time. He talked about all four of us going home together, and how he likes to lick ass but wouldn’t want my friend’s dog to be there. (No, I am not making this up.) Pretty soon, every second sentence out of the guy’s mouth included the phrase “lick ass.”

I thought I had entered the twilight zone. Player Girl’s body language had shifted dramatically, so she was turned as far away from the guy as she could be without actually falling off of her chair. Finally, he left.

We then witnessed him cold approaching every other “set” in the bar, presumably using the same “I like to lick ass” approach.

Need I point out the obvious, that this is not an effective use of sexual framing? Yes, of course it’s great to get the girl wondering what it would be like to get intimate with you. No, it is not great to say “I like to lick ass” forty times in the span of five minutes.

After he left, I said to Player Girl,

“The problem for that guy is that he found the seduction community, but he doesn’t ‘get it’ yet. He’s not calibrated.”

In non-violent communication, a similar process happens actually. People get in touch with feelings and needs and start sticking up for themselves in situations where they once were a doormat. Which is great, because they are finally being liberated from the constraints of the ego. But not always effective because they are not yet calibrated. Marshall Rosenberg says that, between being a “jackal” and a “giraffe,” a person usually goes through a phase called being a “jerkal.”

We had met the seduction community’s equivalent of a jerkal. Bless his heart. He’s on the right path, I only hope he finds some good guidance.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I thought that, too — that he was doing an exercise to confront shyness.

    Hard to believe, otherwise.

  2. The Petros says:

    Are you sure he wasn't just on some mission to overcome anxiety because this if he wasn't serious he is hilarious hh :)

  3. Manwhore says:

    Why does everyone assume when someone says something dumb they've got to be community? lol

    Plenty of dudes just naturally weird out there.

    And he should have said "I want to lick YOUR ass" ;P That's a personal connection..

    Cheers,
    MW
    http://www.manwhore.org

  4. Dan says:

    Maybe the guy had a bad interaction – I definitely can't say that I haven't.

  5. Michael says:

    OMG that's frikkin hilarious!!!

    Now I'm seeing these girls going "Did you say … ASS???"
    "Yes."
    "You like to lick WHAT?"
    "Ass!"
    "You like to what???"
    "Lick ass!"
    "Did he say LICK ASS?"
    "I'm not sure but I think that's what he said!"
    "What was

  6. Justin says:

    I still have no idea what sexual framing is. Can someone explain it using small words?

    Appreciate it!

  7. SMoKeLioN says:

    "I like to lick ass."

    haha

    I hope you pointed him in the right direction.

    "Nonono, you're too silence of the lambs with it, you need to be more Howard Stern with it"

    —> "So (name), how long has it been since you licked ass?"

  8. Anonymous says:

    Yes I agree with you Erika that is horrible sexual framing…but to be fair that is hilarious…that is one of the funniest things ive read today…"I like to lick ass" hahaha priceless…usually when gurus talk about sexual framing they mean inject it through humor…granted that is hilarious but not clever or witty…for example girl: did you play football? guy: no they didnt have a

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