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My Doubts about Traditional Marriage

Sorting out my mixed feelings about traditional marriage

This is something I’m playing with right now, sorting out my very mixed feelings about traditional marriage.

Here’s the thing: I really do want a permanent primary relationship because I’m excited about the co-creational aspects of it.

And yet, when I think about the idea of a traditional marriage, I feel claustrophobic. Seriously, if I envision myself living in a house with a man with a couple of kids and that being our main focus, I can already feel myself one foot in the grave with cobwebs starting to grow over me. Feels like stagnation and restlessness and boredom. This is one of my greatest fears about traditional marriage.

Whereas when I think of this blog and all the adventures I’ve had since starting to write it, I feel liberated and free, like anything is possible and the world is my oyster and so forth.

So … I must not be cut out for traditional marriage. I want to feel emotionally safe with my partner, but let’s be honest, too much safety is boring.

I’m pretty sure this is why I’m so drawn to the idea of an open relationship rather than a traditional marriage. Fresh air would always be circulating :-)

So what would my ideal look like?

Mmmm, I’m still sorting this out, but it definitely involves having a large stream of passive income so that we are financially free. It may involve a lot of traveling. It may or may not involve having a home base that we always come back to. It probably involves co-creating products and websites and, in one form or another, teaching and setting other people free. It definitely involves other people, some form of polyamory. It’s definitely unconventional. It definitely evolves as we go along, based more on our connection to each other than on any rules about what the connection should look like.

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About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Marriage isn’t easy but God created it w for a reason. I personally haven’t been bored in my marriage but I know that it takes experimenting and doing things to keep the spice alive.

  2. Chrysalis says:

    I have had an insane past two years.

    After 17 years of marriage to someone I have known nearly thirty years, I experienced the maddening experience known as “falling in love.”

    I told both my wife and my friend how I felt, but other than that did nothing.

    My marriage nearly ended – it had been on the way down for a long time. My heart exploded. I experienced an explosion of creativity that I thought I had lost the potential for and my life changed completely. Every day for two years it often has felt like I could not endure. It still feels this way some times.

    I was honest to everyone and I kept to my vow and the reward is that feel I am a man of honour.

    My relationship with my wife has improved markedly but I can no longer see my friend. It has been too intense. I love her as much as I ever did but I now know my wife loves me and I can’t leave my family – we have kids – and I love my family in a way that is different but no less important to me. And given that, my friend has her life to live.

    But I will love her still and send her my prayers every day…

  3. Funnest says:

    Hi Erika,

    Having visited the strange terrain of a marriage myself I can appreciate your concerns.

    I am curious about the unknown ahead. What can work without introducing more problems than forced monogamy might? That's what marriage is after all, except for the small percentage of people that have a glow about them well into their eighties recently reported.

    Or maybe forced is the wrong way for me to look at it. Maybe spiritual makes sense. We give up complete sexual choice, like monks, to focus on a relationship. They have it with divinity, and the rest of us have it with a partner.

    The most important thing I'm learning is that there is no guarantee. A marriage is no guarantee of permanence, nor is polyamory a guarantee of freedom.

  4. Erika says:

    Smiles.

    And I would say that anyone who doesn't hear the Voice is not yet of sound mind.

    We all have access to It, but very few of us listen.

  5. Anonymous says:

    "I strongly recommend you read the Course. You need it more than anyone."

    Spoken like a true cult member.

    My favorite part of the article is where it details how one of the course creators claims that jesus was speaking to her in a voice that only she could hear, and told her she should take notes. Ha!

    Most rational & mentally sound people would rightfully believe someone who claims to hear the voice of jesus is not of sound mind.

  6. Erika says:

    Lol, Anonymous. I strongly recommend you read the Course. You need it more than anyone.

    :-p

  7. Anonymous says:

    "You never hate your brother for his sins, but only for your own."

    What kind of b.s. is this? Does it come from A Course in Miracles, which you seem to revere like an evangelical reveres a bible?

    Here's an interesting little bit of history behind A.C.I.M. and the story behind its creation. Sounds to me like the authors were at best suffering from a delusional mental illness, and at worst perpetrating a fraud on the masses.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Course_in_Miracles

    At the core it is just another cult, really not much different from Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the like.

  8. Erika says:

    Lol, Anonymous 10:52 am, I do feel rather obnoxious after reading your comments. If you had what you want in life, you most likely wouldn't feel the need to criticize other people. I don't mind you commenting here. I would encourage you to post your comments in feeling messages, like on Rori's blog. And take ownership for your own feelings instead of blaming them on me.

    "You never hate your brother for his sins, but only for your own."

  9. Anonymous says:

    "I would encourage you to look into the mirror that you are holding up:"

    How obnoxious. I do have what I want, thank you very much, and if I had followed your philosophy & example I would never have found it.

  10. Anonymous says:

    In my very personal opinion… I too have my hesitations on this subject… Mainly because I believe that traditional marriage comes with too many implications/expectations that I am not sure I want to integrate into my life… I may yet change my mind but for now, I am a firm believer in open relationships…

  11. Benedict Smith says:

    to the anonymous poster: it's not that we're selfish in the developed world, we're just not forced to stay unhappy if something's not working, b/c we have the financial freedom to change our romantic status. "this above all, to your own self be true". you can only be honest with yourself babe. good luck. sounds like your more honest with yourself and those around you than most people walking around.

  12. Erika says:

    SMoKeLioN,

    Lol :-) I still am holding out for my permanent, primary partner. I'm just sayin' that my idea of a permanent, primary relationship has little to do with conventions.

  13. Erika says:

    Anonymous 3:29 pm,

    I would encourage you to look into the mirror that you are holding up:

    "Your [comments] show you have a distinct history of complaining about not having enough of what you want, then refusing to go out and try to find what it is you want."

  14. Anonymous says:

    Blah, blah, blah. This is just more KJ'ing from someone who will never put her money where her mouth is.

    Your postings show you have a distinct history of complaining about not having enough of what you want, then refusing to go out and try to find what it is you want.

    I wish I had a dollar for every Community guy I've met like you. You're no different than 95% of them.

  15. Anonymous says:

    "well, I don't exactly see traditional marriage working in practice.

    I'm ready to try something new."

    what you want to say is that you cannot be monogamous, you have to be serially monogamous and/or polyamorous.

    Back in the days when women chose their spouses it was til death do you part unless the guy was abusif, neglectif, insane or had a major fault.

    Now people divorce because their husbands flosse too much!( larry david's divorce).

    people in the developed world have become so individualistic and selfish. it's all about me me me.

    I'm sure you can try new things while being monogamous

  16. SMoKeLioN says:

    Erika, did you just see the movie Up or something? heh

    Anyways now that you have freed yourself from marriage bullshit, you could consider putting a dating application (with photos attached) on your site hehe

  17. J. Pitts says:

    I feel the same way… but I don't count out that my feelings might change in the future.

    Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

  18. Anonymous says:

    My wife and i have been married 35 years. Some of the time "open" (though that's not really what we call it) some not – all depending on the flow of our lives. I suggest that the choice is exactly that – and involves the two (well, okay 2+) unique individuals involved … and ALSO their uniqueness as it expresses at any single moment in time. I believe the "fine in theory" comment is embedded in collective consciousness. Is true for them — or so they choose to believe. I think increasing numbers of people are ready to explore/create new paradigms. Dialogue will always help! Namaste.

  19. Erika says:

    well, I don't exactly see traditional marriage working in practice.

    I'm ready to try something new.

  20. Anonymous says:

    good in theory, won't work in practice.

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