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More on How Much We Want Men to Be Men: Revisiting Chivalry

This is the second article in a series about Hristiyan’s workshop that I participated in this past weekend.

I have written about chivalry before, and its importance to a feminine woman, and have been on the receiving end of much skepticism.

After Hristiyan’s workshop, I am even more in touch with my feelings about this, and even more aware of the fact that I am only sexually attracted to men who are chivalrous. Let me tell you why.

We did an exercise during the workshop where the intention was for the man to find the place within himself to say a clear “yes” to his woman.

So each man in the workshop would approach me or Lisa (the other woman) and say “How may I serve you, my lady?” Hristiyan had already taught them that a man who is deeply connected with his masculinity wants to serve his woman. This is not about being submissive. This is about being the giving, protecting, masculine energy in a relationship.

So Lisa and I were allowed to ask for anything we wanted, and the man was to check in with himself and find the place inside where he could say a clear “yes” to what we were asking. Then Lisa and I were instructed to tell him how much we believed that he really meant what he said. This is something we could sense and feel in his vibe, in his voice, in his body language, etc.

One of the men had already deeply connected with me earlier in the workshop. He approached me, and I felt in his whole being, before he ever opened his mouth, how much he wanted to give to me as his woman. This felt so comforting. It opened up a space where I could feel relaxed about asking for what I truly wanted. There was no urge to hide myself.

So I said, “oh, I’m really hungry. And I’d love to go to that beautiful little romantic Italian restaurant that we both loved. Remember that one? Can we go there honey?”

And he took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, with his whole being, YES.

Now Hristiyan interjected and explained to the guys something along these lines:

“Now, after you’ve said yes to this, you go and make the restaurant reservation. You take care of the parking and all the logistics. That way, she can go run up to her room, get dressed up, put on her makeup, and feel feminine. She doesn’t want to worry about that stuff. If you take care of it, she can surrender into her feminine energy and into the relationship with you.”

Amen, Hristiyan. On an earlier post, someone commented that it wasn’t the chivalry that matters to me as much as it is the guy’s willingness to do something that I’ve said is important to me. And that is true. It’s also true that it absolutely is not about the money. Even if I were married, and all of our money was in the same pot, I would still want my man to pay for everything on dates. I would still want him to take care of logistics.

What I realized at Hristiyan’s workshop is that the chivalry thing really goes much deeper than many guys realize. We are not talking about a man being chilvrous in a needy, approval-seeking way (believe me, Hristiyan has no tolerance for men being needy and approval seeking). We are talking about a man being so in touch with his masculinity that he WANTS TO GIVE to his woman. It makes him feel like a man. It allows her to be a woman. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes there is no loss in giving, only gain. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes that a woman can only surrender to him completely if he is willing to take care of those aspects of the relationship. And at some deep subconscious level that most people have lost touch with, he realizes that she will be FAR MORE SEXUALLY RESPONSIVE with him because she trusts him. Without trust, there can be no full surrender.

What was really fascinating in the workshop was to see what happened when “bigger” requests were made. For example, Lisa asked this:

“John, I know you’re only 22, but I’m ready to have a baby, and I really want to have a baby with you. Can we do that?”

The guy paused, checked in deep within himself, and ultimately said YES. And the entire room believed him. Later, he told us he had felt an initial hesitation but that when he was in touch with that masculine core, he was able to say an authentic yes.

And isn’t that the kind of world we want to live in? A world where a man is so confident and centered and in touch with their masculine, giving energy, that he wants to give his woman everything. As Hristiyan asks them, over and over again in the workshop, “Would you die for her?”

So this is what I look for in men. Is he giving in bed? Is he willing to be chivalrous? Do I believe him when he says yes? Do I understand him when he says no? (Lisa and I found, as women, that we were able to hear a man say “no” to our requests if we could sense that he really wanted to give us what we had asked for but that in that moment his desire to serve us was being trumped by his need to be on his path.) Does this man care about my happiness? Can I trust him? Can I surrender to his masculine energy? Does he have what it takes to lead me?

At a subconscious level, these are the questions that a woman is always asking herself. For me to feel safe in a relationship, the man needs to lead consistently. He needs to hold space for my feelings rather than arguing with them. He needs to be developed enough as a man that he is giving to me for the sheer pleasure of giving, and not with the worry of what he is going to get in return.

Of course, he will receive plenty in return. He will be with a woman who feels liberated to be her most feminine, radiant self. She will inevitably give back in many other ways (most men, for example, would be financially better off with me as their partner than without me — money is not and never has been the point of all this). And she will be turned on by him, and she will trust him and feel safe with him.

It’s so challenging to describe all of this in a blog post. I wish every one of my blog readers could have participated in this workshop. Then it would be easy to see that asking for chivalry is not about “taking advantage” of men. It’s about creating and living in a world where the divine masculine and feminine energies have space to play.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Chivalry has nothing to do with it. Leadership has everything to do with it.
    Relationships are like a dance. When the man is unable to be a strong lead for a woman, they will trip and step on each others feet.

  2. WonderousWomanRetreat says:

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    on August 13,14,and 15

    The Wonderous Woman retreat program leads and encourages every woman to connect to all facets of her purpose and value. Our approach is to create experiential retreats in beautiful venues where you can connect to your mind, body and spirit.

  3. Daria says:

    Aaah I'm starting to feel really triggered by all the "biological crap."

    I fell for it before but no longer. Btw women don't need men to stick around any longer to help them raise children, if That Were Ever a Biological Imperative. Which I'm starting to think it was not. I think these things are made up to provide evidence for the beliefs we choose. They get

  4. Erika says:

    hi Jonathan,

    Thanks for commenting hon. I can't wait to meet you in person soon.

    "Connecting with a girl is super hot and makes penetrating her much more sexy."

    Nice.

    Taking a man off his path? What about a shared path for a man and a woman?

    And … I don't deny my desire to explore the physical as well. I'm

  5. Erika says:

    Justin,

    Thank you so much for that beautiful description of the difference between submission and surrender. It is really difficult to explain to people, which is why I'm thrilled that Hristiyan is creating these workshops so that we can all experience the difference for ourselves.

    xoxo,
    Erika

  6. Jonathan says:

    Hi girlie

    Looks like a heated discussion here. Wish I was interested enough to take a look

    Chivalry might not be the best choice of words for what you're describing. Some theories say "chivalry" was fabricated during the time of the crusades as a way of keeping women chaste while their husbands were away fighting. The knights came up with the idea of the code

  7. Hristiyan Atanasov says:

    Words and all the confusion that they cause us and all the joy that they bring us…

    http://hristiyan.blogspot.com/2009/06/words-he-said-she-said.html

  8. Poetry of Flesh says:

    Erika,

    I think I miscommunicated there. My desire to please is never going to change. I like to serve, I almost need to serve. It makes me happy, makes me content.

    However, I do want to change. Not my needs, but how I allow my partners to not put in as much energy and effort as I do. I'm sick of being with men who, yes, fulfill that dominant

  9. Justin says:

    I feel like the point of it wasn't actually about chivalry, though that's part of it. It's also not about how to pick up a woman.

    The point of it is learning how to surrender yourself to someone else. (your partner, whatever you call her) It was actually very difficult for me, because she was asking me to do something that I didn't want to do. I didn't want to do it

  10. Michael says:

    Dear Poetry of Flesh,

    I must say, that is a very memorable internet handle. Unforgettable.

    Allow me to suggest to you that if you are sub, then perhaps your Doms are not reading you as carefully as they could. I understand that exhausting you may be a result of reading you … though, it sounds to me that they could be exhilarating you much more than they are. If they are

  11. Hristiyan Atanasov says:

    Wow I am kind of getting who is saying what. But guys if what you are doing is working for you, if you are happy with what you are creating your world, if you are happy with the relationships in your life, then who the fuck care what I or Erika, or anyone has to say?

    And if you are not then try out what we are saying if it doesn’t work for you trow it out and go learn something else.<

  12. Erika says:

    Metalhaze,

    You keep talking about “exploitation,” which seems to imply “loss.”

    What I’m talking about is giving from the heart, like I did last weekend at the workshop, with no expectation of anything in return. Giving because there is a human being sitting in front of you who is equally valuable to every other human being walking the face of this planet. The kind of

  13. Erika says:

    Poetry of Flesh,

    How would it feel if you just stopped driving?

    And if a man asked you why, you said, “you know, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. I feel a little tired of making so much effort.” It’s not about him, it’s about you. And to throw a little humor in there — “I’ve decided that I no longer make house calls.”

    How would it feel to stop, and sit

  14. Erika says:

    Hey GS,

    This is what Hristiyan wrote on my Facebook wall after the workshop:

    “Erika I am deeply moved by your devotion and dedication to serve each man in my workshop from the depths of your heart.

    “I am also very glad to know that you felt save enough to share your pain, you laughter, your tears, your happiness and everything in between with us.”

    So,

  15. Tim says:

    WTF? I don’t have time to read thru all of your comments, but I hope all of you realize, the exercise came in the context of this being YOUR woman. She has already proven herself. I was at this workshop, and what it is really about has to do with learning to achieve the balance between doing what is best for ALL THREE: you, her, and the relationship.

    Even better, how could you

  16. Anonymous says:

    in the “olden” days of just a few decades ago, men called on women at their parent’s parlors, and attracted them with wit and charm. wining and dining is a relatively recent dating innovation that is in fact not chivalrous at all, since it turns a date into a material transaction, with an exchange of monetary equivalents such as food and wine for at a minimum pleasant company. this has

  17. Anonymous says:

    This is Anonymous 11:04 am – You make good points Erika, I just think things aren’t black and white.

    If I love someone and she asks for a baby but we can’t afford the baby, either financially, emotionally, or availability-wise, I’m not going to pretend that’s not true.

    I would want the best devotion and love I could offer the child regardless of my love for her or myself

  18. GoneSavage says:

    “Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state of mind which disposes men to heroic actions, and keeps them conversant with all that is beautiful and sublime in the intellectual and moral world.” — Kenelm Henry Digby

    I’m all for that. And this is pretty close to what Erika is talking about whether you realizes it or not.

    What I can’t get behind…
    <

  19. Poetry of Flesh says:

    Hey Erika,

    Please don’t worry about saying anything potentially triggering. If something gets me upset, that’s a good thing because I know I need to examine the cause of the upset and figure out exactly what’s going on within me.

    I do put out a lot of effort and energy to please. I always have. Much like your masculine chivalry and the idea of service, of giving, I have a

  20. Erika says:

    hi Poetry of Flesh,

    Thanks for chiming in and … I’m going on pure intuition here … and the image that comes to me is what you described before … of you driving to see all these different men. Always your energy going out to them, rather than receiving.

    And I wonder how that feels to you, deep down, and if you’ve been following Rori Raye’s blog (she’s linked to me here

  21. Poetry of Flesh says:

    The first time I read this, I was a bit derisive. Chivalry in men… it isn’t a draw for me.

    And then I thought about it for a few hours.

    To me, chivalry is a learned behavior. In my opinion, men do not naturally behave in a chivalrous fashion (even though some are raised in households where it is an expected behavior and, in my logic, more understandable), which means

  22. Anonymous says:

    I’m not talking about being a cheap tightwad I’m talking about not being exploited.

    women are like us, mere humans , a mix of good and evil.
    metal.

  23. Erika says:

    I'm going to let Hristiyan answer your questions if he would like to do that.

    Meanwhile, I wanted to let you know that all three of the "PUAs" you mentioned bought me drinks and/or dinner the first time they met me. Their chivalry went a long way in my book. It was not taken for granted. It was noticed and deeply appreciated. It was received as a sign of their sincerity

  24. Erika says:

    Anonymous 11:04 am,

    Yes, I agree with you about some indecisive situations. Sometimes being honest means saying we are torn and expressing both sides of what's going on. The more internal clarity we get though, the more we'll have clear yeses and nos.

    As to your baby comment, I would like to invite you to open your heart a little more to the possibilities. If you

  25. Dan says:

    Perhaps this is because ultimately, women need to have validation from the man they've chosen.

    Sometimes I'm in such a great mood that ideas like "giving value" and "confidence" seem moot – granted, this doesn't happen all the time but when it does, I can feel the liquid gold coming out of my mouth and my eyes, to her eyes and ears, straight to her heart

  26. Anonymous says:

    “Hi man, I was just curious to know how do you know “IF she is worthy of it and earns it (not just by sleeping with me but by proving that she is worthy of being treated like my gf)” and how do you know if she is not?”

    Well hrystian (you sound turkish by your last name), since you are a master seducer so you should know ;-)…but of course you do, I guess you want to hear my take well

  27. Anonymous says:

    cool post, just curious – how is this different from the authentic man program?

  28. Benedict Smith says:

    it takes time to learn how to be giving without being needy about it. another great post. your blog always proves very insightful, esp. coming from a woman.

  29. Anonymous says:

    The ability to lead makes sense, and the ability to say no and yes and be firm sounds like solid advice for either gender, but there has to be an allowance for indecisiveness as long as it’s not at every turn. If someone says, “this is important, let me think about it.” That’s got to be cool with a woman.

    The Baby request sounds like a request most men should say no to and not yes.

  30. Terrance Thames says:

    Hi Metalhaze. I am also curious as to if you feel you are able to sift through a woman’s request of chivalry to see if she is authenically asking you or testing your authenticity? Or is all chivalry considered blatant exploitation?

  31. Hristiyan Atanasov says:

    Hi man, I was just curious to know how do you know “IF she is worthy of it and earns it (not just by sleeping with me but by proving that she is worthy of being treated like my gf)” and how do you know if she is not?

  32. Matt C says:

    Interesting post. I find though that no matter what my intention (giving without expecting anything back) people assume I’m kissing their asses. But I bet this perfectly fits for some.

  33. Anonymous says:

    I have no problem asking a women to a fancy restaurent and taking care of all arragements and treating her like a queen IF she is worthy of it and earns it (not just by sleeping with me but by proving that she is worthy of being treated like my gf)

    what I object is these two statements

    “Then it would be easy to see that asking for chivalry is not about “taking advantage” of

  34. Rup says:

    Sounds like an amazing Workshop…and much needed type of workshop as well…cuts through all the bull..
    I wouldn’t call this stuff mumbo jumbo…
    I have a new respect for Hristyan – thanks for telling us about him.

  35. Anonymous says:

    I would love to hear feedback on your post from other known so called puas:

    -Zan
    -entropy
    -sinn

    i.e. endorsement of this post from other guys you endorse.

    let’s be real for once and drop this mambo jambo new age thing.

    Best,
    Metalhaze

  36. Erika says:

    Ah, metalhaze, what I would give for you to have participated in this workshop.

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