Over the past month or so, I’ve had the opportunity to attend several bootcamps offered by several different companies. This has been a lot of fun and also a great learning experience for me. It really helped me hone in on guys’ sticking points and how to alleviate them.
Entropy once said something on his blog that seemed spot on to me:
You can’t run before you can walk, and as we say in Texas, you can’t put the horse before the wagon. If you are incapable of holding a pleasant and normal conversation with a stranger for more than five minutes, then how the fuck are you going to make them attracted to you? Changing what you say around isn’t going to do dick, it’s just going to make things more weird and more awkward.
It’s paramount that before guys try to become “pimps” and “players” that they know how to carry on a functioning conversation with a hot girl without freaking the fuck out — stammering, stuttering and yammering all over the place about stupid shit.
This was really driven home to me when I saw the guys in one of the bootcamps. They were doing a drill where the goal was to improvise conversation based on a word that was thrown out to them. So the instructor might say “dog” or “toaster oven,” and the guys were supposed to riff off of that.
Well, what was happening is that the guys were talking and talking but not really saying anything. They were rambling. And it was the kind of conversation that creates zero connection with girls.
Imagine a guy walks up to a girl in a bar and starts rambling on about toaster ovens:
“You know, my friend’s toaster oven broke the other day, and he took it into the shop. The shop couldn’t fix it. He took it to another shop. Toaster ovens are cool.” Blah blah blah.
Is the girl going to connect with that guy? NO. Not because there is anything wrong with the guy either. He’s just not saying anything that she can connect with.
So this is when it hit me. The reason these guys are rambling pointlessly on and on and not connecting with girls is that the guys are not connecting with themselves. They are not grounded. They have absolutely no idea why they are saying what they are saying. They are out of touch with their own feelings and their own motivations.
To his credit, the instructor helped ground the guys by asking them to start relating what they were saying back to themselves and the girl, and to say how toaster ovens make them FEEL.
I’ve talked a lot on this blog about Non-Violent Communication (NVC), and it really hit me during bootcamp how valuable NVC can be for guys learning to connect with women. NVC grounds our communication by tuning us in to the motivations underneath what we are saying. NVC consciously focuses our awareness on what we are feeling and needing, and on what other people are feeling and needing.
To connect with a girl, a guy needs to ground whatever he is saying in feelings and needs.
So if he’s telling a story about toaster ovens, maybe it would go like this:
“So my toaster oven broke this morning. That *really* bummed me out.” (expressing feelings, creates a natural curiosity in the listener as to why he felt the way he did)
“It bummed me out because that toaster oven is the center of my morning ritual. It’s the reason why I jump out of bed in the morning all excited and alive. I get out a fresh bagel, smear it with butter, pile on the raspberry jam that my grandmother makes every year, and it just tastes so good. I’ve been doing it since I was thirteen, so it reminds me of lots of happy memories of being a kid. I felt so lost without my grandma jam bagel this morning. *pouting playfully*” (says something about himself that she can relate to)
“You seem like the kind of girl who would have a morning ritual.” (cold/warm read, engages her and lets her share something about herself)
This is what we call “vibing.” It is the heart of connection. But guess what? It’s never going to happen unless the guy first connects with himself and understands his own motivations and aliveness.
What makes you happy? What makes you sad? And why? What basic human needs are met or unmet? Go deep within yourself. As the Oracle said, “Know Thyself.” Knowing yourself gives you the key for unlocking the door to knowing others in a deep and intimate way.
So that was my realization: connecting with girls begins with self-connection. And NVC is one of the most powerful tools out there for learning self-connection.
By the way, Erika’s Woo Woo Blog is starting to get noticed, and that makes Erika very very happy! Why? Because she feels like she is fulfilling her soul’s purpose, finally. There’s some NVC for you right there :-)
Check these out:
Doc Holliday’s blog
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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