This is something I have heard often in the seduction community:
Have sex with a woman as soon as possible because that will give you the most options about where the relationship goes from there.
I’ve then heard dating coaches go on to talk about how the woman will be more invested in you, she’ll “backwards rationalize” why she’s in love with you, etc. I’ve heard dating coaches tell men, if she has sex with you, you then hold all the cards. You can turn it into a long-term relationship (LTR). Or you can turn her into a f**k buddy or “friend with benefits” if that’s what you want.
Probably no one who reads this blog regularly will be surprised to know that I disagree with this approach completely.
Indeed, having sex too early can easily cause a relationship to self-destruct. Similarly, having sex without a clear alignment of both parties’ expectations about what that means can easily lead to all kinds of misunderstandings and unhappiness.
My advice is very different from the conventional wisdom: if you care about the girl and where this is going, do NOT have sex until you are sure that you both agree wholeheartedly about what it means.
Let me tell you how this happens emotionally for most women. Having sex triggers a hormonally-based emotional response that reduces her outcome-independence. So, yes, most women will become more invested in you.
Now at first glance, that may sound great for the guy. “Oh, yippee, now I can call the shots in this relationship,” he may think.
But remember the immutable spiritual truth: there is no such thing as win/lose. Anything that is win/lose will ALWAYS, one hundred percent of the time, become lose/lose.
Sometimes this will result in a relationship that is not satisfying for either party: Maybe on the outside it looks great for the man because he’s got a “harem” and lots of sexual options. But in truth what he has are a bunch of not-so-happy women in his life, which ultimately will drag him down too. (And, remember, many women have not yet learned to be authentic about their feelings, so they may go along with it for a while, but ultimately he’s going to hear about it, probably in ways that don’t feel very good. Women with lower self-esteem and hazy boundaries will stick around longer but not in a way that’s going to be satisfying to either the man or the woman.)
Often this will simply result in losing the girl. If a man were to seduce me with what I perceive to be implications of a LTR and then tried to convert me into a friend with benefits, I’m gone. I hold men accountable for what they say and subcommunicate to me, even if it’s not convenient for them. In fact, this is about the fastest way I can think of to lose a high self-esteem girl.
Of course, I love hearing other viewpoints. Why else would I write this blog? But I’m here to tell you that the “have sex as early as possible” school of teaching has all kinds of downsides that are never discussed, and that there is a LOT of value in waiting.
There are lots of ways to continue to build chemistry with a girl without having sex with her. The truth is that going about things the slower way ultimately will result in a more satisfying experience for both parties. And, wow, you had better make sure the intentions are aligned if you want to keep the girl around.
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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