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How a girl keeps a guy around – response to SMoKeLioN

One of my readers, SMoKeLioN, submitted a comment on the Dare to Feel blog entry. He had asked me how I “go out of my way to get a guy.” To which I responded that I don’t “go out of my way to get a guy.” I flirt and connect, and things develop organically.

Then SMoKeLioN clarified what he was asking with this comment:

What I meant by that is I’d like to read about you yourself either opening or baiting him into opening. And then making it known to him that he’s able to proceed through the doors you’ve opened for him without fear … you know, making sure he is still leading and the man, even though you might be pulling some of the strings to help things along. The girls that can do that… those are the girls that have game.

Thanks for a great question, my friend. And thanks for being one of the few people who recognizes that girls need “game” just as much as guys do. Now, to answer your question …

First of all, I left behind all forms of manipulation eons ago, so the whole “baiting him into opening” is not in my repertoire. Once upon a time, I used to think “if I do this, then he will do that.” But think about it: there’s no presence in thinking like that. It’s all about some future outcome. Being present means “I have no idea why, but I feel like doing this or saying this right now. So that’s what I’m going to do or say RIGHT NOW.” Without regard to how the other person is going to respond.

Next point. This is related to the last point. The answer to all of this, the answer to every guru and every e-book and every master DVD series that any guru has ever issued is one word: INTUITION. Unfortunately, most men and women who seek dating advice get buried in information overload and mind chatter. And mind chatter is the one and the ONLY thing that will actually prevent men and women from being able to hear their intuition. Thus, in short, DISASTER.

Third point. How do I “make it known to him that he’s able to proceed through the doors you’ve opened for him without fear.” I face and erase my own fears. If I see fear in someone else, I recognize it as the mirror that it is, and I address it within myself. Some gurus poo poo inner game, but ALL game is inner game. “Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world.” The more fear I dissolve within myself, the more people move toward me.

Fourth point. As for him leading, yes, he tends to lead the initial seduction and he tends to lead in the sexual arena. Later, as the relationship develops, it tends to get more blurry. We are walking a path together, and the way it stays alive is when there is a really balanced give and take. I still like it when a guy leads, but I don’t want to be too rigid about that as the relationship develops. Even more important than leadership, as the relationship develops, is presence. Attentiveness. Connection.

Fifth point. Back to intuition. I stay grounded in my feelings. When going out, I tend to get myself in a very playful mood. I love verbal repartee with guys. It turns me on. A lot of the skills that PUAs learn are equally applicable by girls. Playful reframes and high octane flirting. Sincere interest in other people. None of this is really possible until the mind chatter has been cleared out. People with mind chatter are not present because their “inner committee” is pulling them in 50 different directions, most of which are not here and now.

Sixth point. Radical authenticity. Gurus teach a myriad of techniques for injecting life into relationships. The easiest one is to be daringly honest. Instant excitement in your relationship just by challenging yourself each day to be a little more honest about how you feel, about what you like and don’t like, about what you want, without making it “about” the other person.

And finally … back to:

Intuition, intuition, intuition. There is a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do, in every moment. It knows how to flirt and how to attract and how to have deep, beautiful relationships. Because it is tapped into the Divine Intelligence, it requires no planning. The past disappears, the future disappears. Everything is reduced to this moment. Whatever flirtation is going on becomes the only thing going on. And its sole purpose becomes enjoyment of the moment, come what may.

So how does a girl keep a guy around? By forgetting that she cares about keeping him around. By moving evermore into the present moment and her feelings and her intuition.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Michael says:

    Hey Erika … when you’re talking about intuition that comes from divine intelligence, wouldn’t you say that it’s not so much social intuition – honed through many interactions – that you mean … as much as it is a transrational intuition?

  2. GoneSavage says:

    When you read advice like this, I believe it is useful to return to the original meanings of words.

    Manipulate – to skillfully handle
    Intuit – to have an immediate awareness

    Manipulation – skillful or dexterous treatment
    Intuition – a way of noticing directly

    Manipulation – from the Latin manipulus, meaning “of the hands” or “to hold.”
    Intuition – from the

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hi Erika,

    I think your points about how to keep a guy are a little too ambitious. I would like to see another title… like… how to stay in connection over time authentically or something more congruent to the time line we’re talking about here of your path.

    Then, as a woman, it sounds dreamy what you are sharing! So dreamy and so easy… but it isn’t an overnight recipe and

  4. Vince says:

    Hey Erika,
    You seem like an enlightened woman and I’d like you to give me a little advice.
    Ok, I went on a date with a beautiful woman a couple of weeks ago. We got on great. Six or so hours just flew by. We’ve been too busy to see eachother for a while but we manage to set a date. Something comes up and I have to cancel. I don’t recieve her texts until much later. The first is a

  5. SMoKeLioN says:

    Thanks for the response, I’ll try and dissect it.

    Saying that baiting him into opening is manipulation… you could then say that any form of communication is manipulation. Even if it is, is manipulation of one’s environment necessarily bad/evil? Id say no.

    Baiting into opening for example is like, wearing a low cut top and standing at the bar with your girlfriend while

  6. Pstar says:

    I’m not sure what game you have as a girl. I guess end game for a girl would be ‘keeping a man’. And long term relationships as we all know must be worked at.

    But this post doesn’t really address any issue’s other than developing inner game. Having a strong inner game does not keep men around. When women have a strong inner game, they develop a strong persona. Ugh, I’m running a

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