I want to add some more to yesterday’s answers about how to keep a guy around. Most of what I’ve written on this blog so far is advice for guys, or directed at inner game. Although much of it applies equally to girls, I’m still finding ways to articulate my own experience and knowledge in a way that other people will find helpful.
One of the commenters found the “intuition” answer a little unsatisfying, so let’s say this:
Attraction is not something you do, it’s something you are or become.
Here’s the paradox. Attraction is of the heart. It is the natural magnetism of one heart for another heart. The very moment that a girl (or guy) starts thinking about what is going to be attractive to another person, she has moved out of her heart and into her head, and has disconnected from the very source of attraction itself, which is love.
This is why I focus on inner game. We are not adding tricks and gimmicks. We are stripping away layers of mind chatter and nonsense so that our inner essence of femininity will naturally shine through. We are not wearing sexy clothes and standing in strategic locations to attract attention. We wear clothes that feel good. We sit in places that feel good. We clean up our belief system about men so that men can FEEL that we love and adore them.
Honestly, I have way more guys randomly walking up to talk to me now that I don’t focus on it at all than I did a few years ago when I was focused on meeting a guy.
Now, if you are an outside observer, here are some of the qualities that a girl is going to have if she does the inner game work I talk about on this blog. But again, if I “try” to do these things in order to attract a man, they won’t work. These are qualities that come about naturally when a woman is in tune with her intuition:
Unpredictability/sense of adventure: Following rules and decorum is very predictable and … BORING. When following intuition, a girl is never going to be predictable. Thus, she is more interesting and challenging.
Radical authenticity: This is a key part of congruence. When a girl is willing to say things out loud that most people are too scared to say, she becomes more attractive. Guys love honesty, especially when it has a tiny bit of an edge to it.
Positive beliefs about men: I love guys, and that is obvious to everyone around me. Our belief systems are telegraphed to other people. Probably the absolute most important thing a woman can do is clean up her belief system as it relates to men.
Clear sense of what she wants and doesn’t want: A woman who is acting from presence is deeply in touch with her own feelings. Thus, for example, if she’s on a date and the guy wants to go “Dutch” (which happens to be one of my own pet peeves), she will immediately register this at the level of feelings and speak up. A lack of chivalry kills romantic attraction for me, pretty much immediately and completely. For example (this goes back to radical authenticity), I might say: “I don’t mind paying for myself, but chivalry in dating is really important to me, so that will mean this is purely platonic for me.” (Note I make it all about me, and not about him. It’s still his choice to do what he wants, I’m just letting him know how that is going to affect my choices.)
Another example is sex. A woman who is acting from presence knows what she wants and doesn’t want. For example, I have zero interest in casual sex. I have zero interest in having sex with a guy who is not committed to me. Guys find it way more attractive that I speak up about this and don’t just “go along with things” so as “not to make waves.”
Eye contact and smiling: The intention behind an action is more important than the action itself. Eye contact and smiling are a perfect example of this. When I make eye contact with a guy, it’s not to “manipulate” him into coming to talk to me. But I do make eye contact with lots of people, men and women, everywhere I go, as a way of feeling connected with my world. And if I know a guy, then I make eye contact and smile as a way of refreshing that connection. So at the superconference, I saw a lot of guys that I had met before. Making eye contact and smiling feels like a very natural way of saying, non-verbally, “oh hello, it’s good to see you again.”
Passionate life purpose: Having something other than men that fires the girl up. The best way to connect at a deep level with guys, in my experience, is to share a passion with them. For me, for example, the seduction arts is a huge passion. So I naturally connect with guys who share that passion.
Sincere interest in other people: This can’t really be faked, so it’s related to “passionate life purpose.” When a girl is deeply interested in what the guy is talking about, she can vibe with him for a long time and the energy will never drain out of the conversation. It’s more challenging when talking with people where a shared passion is not immediately identified, or where the other people are so out of touch with their own aliveness that they don’t even know what their passions are (sometimes referred to as “the walking dead”). But those aren’t guys I’m going to be interested in dating anyway. In those situations, I do as much as I can to help the other person get in touch with some aspect of their own passion.
Femininity: The willingness to be a woman. To be soft and warm. To wear soft, flowing clothes. Skirts and long hair and lipstick and perfume. To let a guy pay for dinner and make plans.
Receptivity/openness/inviting vibe: The willingness to let a guy’s energy come toward her, whether that’s in the form of touch or romantic interest or flirtation, etc. A lot of women have tons of defenses without even realizing it, and men bounce right off them. A woman who has cleaned up her belief system about men has a natural curiosity and openness.
Playfulness/laughter: This comes naturally once the belief system has been cleaned up. The willingness to play and laugh with men is incredibly important. This generates chemistry and shared bonding experiences.
Internally validated: The woman’s self-esteem is not dependent on what the guy says or does. Period.
Observing ego: When I get upset, it’s never the guy’s fault. It’s important that women learn how to communicate negative feelings in a non-accusatory way. As a relationship deepens, this may in fact be the MOST important quality of all that a girl can have.
For all of this, nothing is more important than the belief system. Cleaning up a person’s belief system is going to be a big part of my upcoming e-book Spiritual Seduction.
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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