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Do I need to have sex with her to know whether we’ll be sexually compatible?

Do We Need to Have Sex to Know If We Will Be Sexually Compatible?

sexually compatible

Do we need to have sex to know whether we will be sexually compatible?

This is one of my pet-peeve issues, one of the biggest baloney lines that guys say to women to get them in to bed, so I feel compelled to address it. Someone suggested on an earlier thread about last minute resistance (LMR) that, if a guy doesn’t have sex with a girl prior to committing to her, he may run the risk that she won’t be good in bed.

Gone Savage left this comment, and thank God, because I rarely hear guys in the community owning up to this:

>>>”what if SHE sucks in bed after I commit to her?”

I used to think this way. After you get a couple hundred notches on your belt, you’ll know if woman is expressive/enthusuastic/good before you’ve penetrated. It’s just not at issue — you know.

So true, GS.

And let me just say, as a woman with a pretty low “number,” it *really* does not require 200 notches to know this. I have NEVER once not been able to tell whether the sex would be good BEFORE having sex.

I can tell by the kissing, by the foreplay, and by the level of connection. I could tell whether or not we would be sexually compatible.

Please, guys, stop using this excuse. It’s complete and utter baloney.

Likewise, I have been able to rule out guys based on these seven seduction tips before having sex with them because I KNEW the sex would be bad. I knew we would not be sexually compatible because other things were OFF.

Love,

erika awakening

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Dale says:

    This is mind boggling. Do you even know what you're saying? Basically you're saying the guy needs to get several dozen notches under his belt so he'll have enough correlational experience to tell whether you'll be a good lay, and this knowledge qualifies him to commit to you before having sex with you.

  2. tsf says:

    I really don't get the point out of this whole discussion. There's a man, there's a woman, both are attracted to each other. Then why the hell shouldn't they have sex with each other? Is there anything bad in it? Of course, no.
    That's only natural ;-)

  3. Anonymous says:

    "
    Pressure is the enemy of pleasure. "

    so true, this is why the first time I'm with a women I accept that it is not gonna be the best because the best sex comes with time, comfort and knowing one another. the first time you are just fumbling and discovring each others so the first I dont focus on her orgasm nor mine, I just want to enjoy it with no expectations or

  4. Allison M. Saad says:

    GS:

    I think the scenario you describe is taking the theory to extremes. I have probably been on both sides of that scenario, but you sort of have to visit both sides to get to the right place… The scenario I am talking about is where both people are equally interested in pleasing each other and being pleased. Of course this doesn't happen all the time and it can't really. <

  5. Erika says:

    "There's no way to be 100% certain, ever. And no matter how present you are, how much you feel her vibe, or how genuine you are emotionally, you can't predict the future, you can't change this."

    With all due respect to Entropy, let me explain why I still think this is BS.

    I hear Entropy saying that, in truth, you never know whether the sex will continue

  6. GoneSavage says:

    "There's no way to be 100% certain, ever. And no matter how present you are, how much you feel her vibe, or how genuine you are emotionally, you can't predict the future, you can't change this."

    Thank you for your persistence here. I feel a sense of premonition when I read this. Thank you.

  7. GoneSavage says:

    "When you become more concerned with the woman's pleasure than your own, you will enjoy sex much more."

    This is an important distinction of the 'like attracts like' principal. The above is true in LTR situations — you both are seeking long-term connection and devotion.

    If you are on the path of having mutually satisfying casual sex — it is better to

  8. Anonymous says:

    "When you become more concerned with the woman's pleasure than your own, you will enjoy sex much more."

    I do not think that this is 100% true. of course he should take her input into concern and pay attention to her verbal and most importantly non-verbal reaction, but a people-pleaser in bed is not sexy at all.

    just imagine the guy "did you get an orgasm?

  9. Jason Miller says:

    Allison,

    I very much appreciate your feedback. With very little information I can see how you reached the conclusion you did. The example I gave was at the micro level. And I do agree that the two of us were very self-involved at the time and not doing a great job of pleasing each other.

    I do believe most of my significant girlfriends were satisfied, but honestly, I

  10. Erika says:

    Allison and Daria, thanks for chiming in.

    Allison, yeah, that resonates with what I wanted to say to Jason M. It sounds like they are mirroring each other, each coming to bed with an "agenda."

    Meanwhile, all my objections and belly-aching aside, please don't get me wrong here. The feminine (yes, I'm generalizing for a moment) longs to be filled up, with

  11. Daria says:

    I can't tell until it is happening. There are lots of hints, like generally how warm his skin is, and how magnetized are our sex zones to each other's.

    So far it's come down mostly to how he knows how to move and what spot is he reaching most of the time.

    So no, cannot tell really. Fun to guess though…

  12. Allison M. Saad says:

    Jason:

    I just want to point out that the "like attracts like" theory is certainly at work in your situation. You complain of rarely having a satisfying sex partner, I wonder if any of them found you satisfying? You mention a particular experience with a woman who was insisting on "HER rhythm and HER position" and that you would lead her to something else while she

  13. Erika says:

    Anonymous,

    I'm not even talking about handjobs and blowjobs.

    But whatever the truth is for you, it's different for me on this one.

    When I have actual penetrative intercourse with a guy, a level of connection and attachment develops that does NOT happen with the rest of it.

    Honestly, I think it has to do with chakra merging. My Reiki healer can

  14. Anonymous says:

    "If you have a method for figuring out which women are looking for sex that night, I'll be down for that too."

    That's easy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTVY0yqXpzs

    well not that easy, as there are a lot of kinky freaks who present themselves as wholesome (they look conservative…but deep down they are kinky).

    I would rather

  15. Anonymous says:

    "Seriously … After he and I have done everything else, why do I need his cock to penetrate me to know whether we match up?"

    well if you have done everything else except penetration then you have already done sex.

    sex is not just penis in vagina.

    If you really want to be abstinent then giving handjobs and blowjobs should not be on the menu.

  16. Erika says:

    Lol :-)

    Ok, first off, Gone Savage, thank you for being there for me in the middle of the night. Your voice is very soothing. I appreciate it.

    Second, if a girl's fantasy is to tie you up with diapers and spank you with a dildo, I hope you've already found that out BEFORE going to bed with her, or at least during the foreplay …

    Third, I don't

  17. GoneSavage says:

    "Anyway, consider yourself blessed you have the gift."

    I am also asserting that it is a learned skill…

    1) Have confidence in your own sexual ability
    2) Value connection over conquest
    3) Pay attention to feedback she is giving you, especially through touch
    4) Pursue women on your own level of introversion / extroversion
    5) Slow down if you want

  18. Entropy4 says:

    Still disagree. And GS, I think you're straw-manning our points by implying you can only feel this way if you're only going for conquests.

    In my experience the emotional connection is something that is quite separated from physical and psychological factors of sexual compatibility. I've been madly in love with women where we simply haven't synced up sexually at all. It

  19. Dan the Man says:

    GoneSavage,

    What a bunch of us are calling BS is that the assertion that the ability to know how others are in bed is a general trait of humanity in general

    You have it.

    Erika has it.

    I don't, Entropy doesn't, and neither do most other men.

    I do agree that most women THINK they know what someone will be like in bed, such as if they

  20. GoneSavage says:

    I'm not sure what people are calling bullshit against.

    That some people just know that they are going to have great sex before they do it?

    I think this may just come down to the difference between guys that see sex as conquest and guys that see sex as a way of deepening and continuing connection.

    Even when I think of the flirty and sexual girls that I've

  21. Nelia says:

    +1 for bullshit.

    I've made some mistakes (pre-marriage) in this arena. My evolving indicators hardly ever predicted performance accurately.

  22. Erika says:

    But I still say bullshit. I've never yet had a relationship die because the sex died. The last serious relationship I had, the guy said it was the best sex he'd ever had, right up until the end. He was experienced, and that was before I discovered all this amazing tantra stuff. The commitment needs to be there for it to endure. Otherwise it's just too easy for one person or the

  23. Erika says:

    Wow, now that's wild. I could totally feel your energy right before that comment came in …

  24. Entropy4 says:

    I call BS too. I've been with enough women to have a good sample size, and I'm still consistently surprised by the inconsistency of the sex.

    - There are the obvious situations of the women who you have great vibes and connections with but that simply doesn't translate over sexually. Any guy who's been with more than 10 women has probably experienced this.
    - Then

  25. Anonymous says:

    SMoKeLioN you feelin insecure about something laughing? cuz I sure as hell am not. I appreciate it ;-)

    R.

  26. SMoKeLioN says:

    "I've never had sex before… but I just know I'm going to be a great love maker. "

    lmao

  27. GoneSavage says:

    Great commentary here. I'm reminded of several things.

    1. One reason that I'm fascinated with sex is because sexual experience is so subjective. Sex with me might be merely ‘great’ for one woman and an absolutely over-the-top unforgettably fantastic and filthy experience for another. To me, good sex is based primarily on only two things. First, you need excitement, enthusiasm

  28. Dan_Brodribb says:

    I'm having a hard time picking a side on this particular issue. I agree with Erika NOW, but I wonder if I'd felt the same way a few years ago, when I had almost no experience.

    In any case, I'd agree with Erika that you don't need an exceptionally high number of partners to be good in bed. You just need enough to start to get a feel for what works and doesn't for you

  29. Jason Miller says:

    I'm sure I have not always been the most present when screening a woman, but I don't think your list of things to notice is very useful when it comes to actually enjoying sex with a particular woman.

    - how it feels in your body being with her
    - how she breathes, how she talks
    - how she expresses her preferences
    - how your bodies fit together
    - how she

  30. Erika says:

    "What I mean by that is you'll never know whether you were right or not with the guys you chose not to have sex with."

    Yeah, I don't see how this fits in here at all. I'm talking about commitment. I don't give a rat's ass whether the guys I chose not to have sex with (who number in the hundreds if not thousands) would have been good in bed.

  31. Erika says:

    Hmmm… I am quite intrigued by this … it seems like an area ripe for inquiry.

    I'm intrigued by Jason Miller's comment.

    I'm very curious now how "open" people are being with each other before they have sex …

    I'm also wondering if some guys are screening out sexually compatible girls as long-term mates …

    This actually

  32. GoneSavage says:

    "If you have a method for figuring out which women are looking for sex that night, I'll be down for that too."

    That's easy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTVY0yqXpzs

  33. GoneSavage says:

    I can make a pretty good guess early on based on vibe. The fun part is then finding out if my guess was right.

    If you're including intimacy and foreplay, well, you should know beyond a doubt at that point.

  34. Justin Carnahan says:

    To Dan,

    When you're with someone and kissing or making love, it isn't the techniques that they know. It's much more like dance than it is Street Fighter; you have to feel the rhythm of the moment more than you need to know all the moves. You don't have to sleep with someone to know if they have rhythm or not. ;-)

  35. Anonymous says:

    I've never had sex before… but I just know I'm going to be a great love maker.

    However, what does one consider "good" or "bad" sex… or good or bad anything? That's subjective.

    I've mentioned before that a certain celebrity who's sex tape got leaked totally turned me off after watching her. She was (seemingly) TERRIBLE in bed.

  36. SMoKeLioN says:

    I dont think its entirely bullshit. What do you guys mean by "commit" anyways?

    You can guess-timate whether the girl will be good or not, but its not always the case. Some partners that you have a lot of chemistry with otherwise simply dont hold up in bed. Others whom you barely have much to talk about with can surprise you and you both can share a huge amount of sexual

  37. Jason Miller says:

    I have had the experience many times where the chemistry was on and once we got physical it was a disappointment. In fact, I've only had one significant long term girlfriend that I would consider a satisfying sex partner. The rest have been the range from terrible to just OK.

    I clearly either have very high standards or I don't know how to screen. Probably some of both. I

  38. Erika says:

    David,

    Thanks for commenting. You are, after all, the expert on this. And it is always a pleasure to have you on the blog :-)

  39. Erika says:

    hey Dan,

    GS may be better qualified to write that post than I am, and you're right, even with two people it can vary and go up and down.

    But I find it difficult to believe that you can't gauge the basic chemistry/energy of the pairing.

    If you really can't, are you really being present during the encounter?

  40. Dan the Man says:

    I … in as friendly, respectable manner as possible, call…. BULLSHIT! :-)

    Erika, look at this thing you said:

    "And let me just say, as a woman with a pretty low "number," it *really* does not require 200 notches to know this. I have NEVER once not been able to tell whether the sex would be good BEFORE having sex.

    I can tell by the kissing, by

  41. David Shade says:

    Correct Erika. There are ways to tell in the first few minutes of conversation if a woman is going to be sexually compatible.

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