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Casual Sex or Committed Sex: The Two Paths and Expectation Management

Gone Savage posted an excellent article about polarizing your game. It speaks to me at a very deep level. I’m going to publish excerpts (in italics) here with my commentary.

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You have to polarize your ‘game.’ This is to say, when you go out, know what your intention is.

This reminds me of a passage from A Course in Miracles, which — in talking about the Holy Relationship — goes like this:

“Without a clear-cut, positive goal, set at the outset, the situation just seems to happen, and makes no sense until it has already happened. Then you look back at it, and try to piece together what it must have meant. And you will be wrong. …

“The value of deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it.”

“The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful.”

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Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.

I’m going to go ahead and say it because this is key… there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That’s it. Don’t come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That’s not how it works.

Chose one path now. Here are your choices:

1) I am looking for “the one.” I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship “potential.” I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.

2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I’m looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and bed as many women as possible in the process.

So … two paths. Note that this is very different than what most PUAs preach. They say have sex first and decide what it means later. I think this is a recipe for disaster, because it will not ensure that intentions are aligned. It also allows for tons of incongruity … relationships where no one is clear on what they want, leading to wishy-washiness and a lack of purpose.

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Now, understand there is no judgment with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, ‘LTR game’ is remarkably different than ‘SNL game.’ More on that in a minute.

The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be…

“What I offer is exactly as it appears.”

The whole point is that what you offer — what you embody and present — is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.

Honesty, honesty, honesty. It is so key.

Even beyond that, I would venture to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to manage expectations effectively with a woman unless he is clear and honest with himself at the outset about what his intention is with her.

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The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It’s tepid, weak, and ineffective. I’m here to tell you that it’s also precisely why you’re not getting what you want.

I agree completely. I meet so many guys who haven’t got a clue what they want from a relationship or from a woman. How can I be turned on by that? If a guy has clear sexual intent and is honest that sex is all he’s looking for from me, I’m not going to go for that because it’s not what I’m looking for, but at least I can respect his clear intentions and honesty.

How can I possibly respect or trust a man who doesn’t know what he wants?

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Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:

–”Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough.”

–”I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn’t work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes.”

–”I’d like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I’ll go for that.”

Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It’s an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.

Yeah, I’ve never heard anyone in the community articulate this, but I think you’re right.

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All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It’s not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice — you’re settling — perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher ‘quality’ than you would have had before, but you are still settling.

Agreed. If the guy doesn’t know what he really wants and instead “falls into” a relationship with a woman, it can often get complicated and entangled and be a huge time waster even though it wasn’t what he really wanted in the first place. Then he may start using it as a crutch and not be getting clear about his purpose.

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Stop that. I’m making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find “the one” or you’re out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.

Yes. Or you can find “the one” and share a multitude of thrilling experiences WITH her. But you’ve got to commit to her first. The intention (e.g., of who the primary partnership is and what the peripheral relationships mean) always needs to be clear. Otherwise things are likely to get messy and painful for everyone involved.

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You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it’s more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she’s at is fundamentally unattractive. It’s disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don’t reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.

You said this very beautifully. I expect radical honesty from guys I date. Please know, men, that if you are talking about wedding rings, doing tons of future projection, saying “I’ve met my match,” saying you want her to be your primary, etc., you are creating very long-term relationship expectations. Own it.

Much of what we refer to as “deep comfort game” depends on these sorts of future projections, but you must understand and take responsibility for the intentions that you are communicating to the woman.

There are some women out there, including many high self-esteem women and most of my hot girlfriends, who WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU unless you use future projections and create long-term relationship expectations. But if you create LTR expectations and do not follow through on them, it will BITE YOU IN THE ASS. Don’t do it. If what you want is casual sex, accept the fact that some women are going to protect their own sexual and emotional health by not sleeping with you. Respect that boundary. It is not something to fuck around with.

The top guys in the community, guys like Zan, don’t fuck around with this. They don’t pretend they are going to be around to be the “boyfriend.” That leaves the woman truly at choice about whether she wants to have casual sex or not. Many women do, but some won’t. Respect her choice.

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And here’s how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.

If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things — they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the “man that doesn’t count.”

I never heard anyone put it quite like this, but YES.

- Future projection is for LTR intention.

- Being spontaneous and in the moment and hyper-sexual is for casual sex intention.

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And I remind you — either path — you are to embody 100% congruence. “What I offer is exactly as it seems.” You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.

I like the “You should get this printed on your shirt.” I wish men were walking around with shirts that say either LTR or Casual Sex right on them ;-)

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Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points — most of which you aren’t even aware of if you are following typical community dogma — out of your ‘game’ ASAP.

This is another excellent point, which goes along with the Course in Miracles quote that I noted at the beginning. It’s hard to identify sticking points without having a clear intention. As I noted in my recent article on Emotional Freedom Technique, we often start out with the clear intention (called an “Ultimate Truth Statement”), and that is what helps us identify all the “yeah buts” that are standing between us and the fulfillment of that intention. If we don’t know what our intention is, we are mired in chaos.

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To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.

This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I’ve recently outgrown it. But — I will tell you this much — I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she’s ever had, and I don’t just mean in the bedroom — all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.

Tons of sexual experience is not a prerequisite for me in a LTR, but I do want a guy who is able to connect with me deeply, both emotionally and sexually. I’ve found that guys who have been in several LTRs can be just as good at this as guys who’ve had many lovers.

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Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don’t settle for anything in the middle.

That’s savage. That’s real. And that’s the only thing I teach these days.

I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of “the one” — without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.

I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex — without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.

I like it, Savage :-)

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. SMoKeLioN says:

    "I like the "You should get this printed on your shirt." I wish men were walking around with shirts that say either LTR or Casual Sex right on them ;-)"

    Heh I think for guys this is where cologne, tight clothes, and not wearing underwear comes into play.

  2. Erika says:

    Anonymous,

    I appreciate your comment, as I noticed when GS said that too.

    As for my own inconsistencies, I am acknowledging, as openly as I can, my own fears and sticking points. I believe that honesty with self and others is one of the quickest ways to overcome sticking points.

    For me, having casual sex would run counter to my intention of facing my fears of

  3. Anonymous says:

    savage you claim these lines are ambiguous

    –"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."

    –"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."

    but then you say that until you meet "the one" your bed open.
    <

  4. Erika says:

    GS said:

    "This whole concept came to me because I saw too many community guys dicking around in field, playing game half-throttle (well really like 10%), without commitment to anything, and no idea what they wanted their lives to look like. They come to me and say "I don't know what I want." Well, I certainly can't help you get what you want if you don't know

  5. GoneSavage says:

    Continued…

    Dan, you say:

    "The one difficulty I can see is for guys that aren't sure what they want. Or guys who are comfortable with casual sex but want a relationship mostly."

    Well, you're not going to get what you want until you decide what you want. The point of my post is to force a decision out of you — critical if you are hiring me as a

  6. GoneSavage says:

    Erika, thanks for dissecting this and relating it all back to expectations management.

    Dan, thanks for the Steve Pavlina link…

    I had no idea anyone else was using the concept of polarity in any context. To me, it's about commitment, conscious choice, personal empowerment, congruence, and leading by clear intent.

    What Pavlina is talking about polarizing did

  7. Dan the Man says:

    Interesting thoughts. The one difficulty I can see is for guys that aren't sure what they want. Or guys who are comfortable with casual sex but want a relationship mostly.

    And also, doesn't this remove spontaneity from the universe's plans for you? I know guys "on the prowl" who picked up a one night stand and it turned into their soul mate.

    Also,

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